So, parents, (even those who "just knew") did you consider what you would do if the child had disabilities, either physical or mental, and the implications a disabled child would have on your marriage? Did you talk about what could happen if you ended up divorcing? Did you talk about how your relationship would change and when and what circumstances would require you to put the marriage first? Did you think about where the support would be in terms of family and friends? Could you see the whole future laid out in terms of being the parent to a teenager vs. having a baby? Did you ever consider adoption or was it biological or nothing? What about your goals for a child, did you think about what they were and how you as parents would nurture those goals? Did you look at other couples and think about their parenting and what you admired vs. didn't like? Maybe I'm the odd ball here, but there seems to be a lot to think about...
I get that at some point you take a leap of faith. I just think there are emotional, physical, and social consequences to be considered. If this means we are not meant to be parents, because we're thinking it through vs. just knowing it's suppose to be, then we'll arrive at that conclusion. As I said, I respect the people who "just knew." But I'm not one of them. And I don't think "just knowing" makes for a better parent, either. Just because you feel you want to do something, doesn't guarantee you'll be good at it.
Right now I'm facing the upcoming death of my mother. I don't want to just react to this by having a child, because I know that's where part of the desire is coming from (for both of us, my husband lost his parents as a young child and is very close to my mother). So we're talking about it, and all the implications. We're examining our feelings and being open and honest. I do apologize that this doesn't work for some people.
I'll try to answer there
1. Sure I thought about the possibility of having a child with disabilkities. I had worked with many children with disbilities over the years and I know those kids need loving parents at least as much, if not more than, "normal" kids. DH and I are the typed of couple who only get closer through difficulties so I was not really worried about our marraige. I will say the thoguht htat a severly disabled child could end up in my care for teh rest of my life (which could easily have been 40-50 or more years since I had my first at 24) gave me pause, but it was more of a well if that is what life throws me I will cope kind of thing. I worried more about this the second time around--the idea that I could have a very high needs child who might make it hard for me to be a good mother to the new child and my first was a little scary. But, I knew how much I loved my first and i knew we would be very concious of teh effect of the new child on her no matter what so I was not overly concernec about it. I also had the odds on my side. I was a young, non smoking, non drinking, very healthy mom. Chances were high I would have healthy babies.
2. Nope-- never think of anything from the what if we divorce angle. Many people would say I am naive, but I truly cannot picture my life/future without DH in it. FUnny, when we got married (after being together 5 years) SEVERAL people at our wedding randomly commented to me that ours was the frist wedding in a long time they had been to that the KNEW would work. My aunt asid we were both oging in with our eyes wide open and our hearts full of love and she could see we would last. Maybe people always say that kind of stauff to the bride and groom at weddings
I don't know. It struck me that so many people saw what we see and told me about ti that day though.
3. Did we talk about how our relationship would change? Aagin, not so much. We are on very muc hthe same page pretty much always. We talked about me staying home, we talked about finances, etc. AS far as when to put what first, our family always comes first. Sometimes that means us adults need thigns more than the kids and sometimes it means the kids (or one kid) neads things more than the adults. I do think it is a mistkae to focus on children to the exclusion of a relationship with one's spouse (we do think that is bad for chidlren too--makes them too self cetnered and does not model a healthy relationship and often ends up causing them to become chidlren of divorce).
4. We have never livecd near family. No real support there. Never expected it. We get along well with them, and my mother did come to help me the first few days after each child was born, which was nice.
5. Did I see the whole future? Well, yes I assumed the children would grow up and I would parente teens, etc. I really like teens and have worked with them a lot so that is good with me. I didn't have children becuase i wanted a baby--I had chidlren becuase i wanted to raise babies into adults.
6. We wanted children. Adoption would haev been a fine way to have them. We were going to give it no mroe than two years of trying (no expensive fertility treatments) before trying to adopt. It was a non issue--I was due with my first exactly 9 months from my wedding day!
7. Values (I saw the subsequent post)--Honestly I did not think a whole lot about this. It seemed like a no brainer to me. Treat my kids how I want them to treat the world, teach them what i believe more from example than ahything else, but talk about it to and and love them. It's working so far. Note: we do not believe in God and have only a loose affiliation with a very "open" (for lack of a better word--it is early) religion so taht did not really factor in for me.
8. Having worked with preschoolers and teens for a while (adn been the go to teen for many friends who had paretns they could not talk to, and having paretns who were more like kids than parents myself) sure I saw things I liked and did not like in other parents. I picked up a lot of good things that way (and knew to avoid some things) but I never tried to emulate anyone else--I have to be a paretn in my way, you know?
I get your point, but the thing is I'm not actually sure the feelings of wanting a child are because I really want one, or because I'm wanting to replace something that will be missing. I don't think it should be the job of anyone, particularly a child, to be a fill for a giant hole in my life. That to me is not a great reason for kids. But I can't deny that I'm (we're) thinking about it. Honestly, if at the end of the day all I can come up with is that I really want a baby to distract me from the pain of my mother's death, then you can bet I won't be going off my birth control any time soon.
On an unrelated note, giving Disney all my expendable income makes perfect sense.
Honestly, if that is what you come back to, then I agree do not have a child. If you need a distraction, get a hamster (or other pet with a shorter life span), coach a youth sports team for a season, redecorate your home or pour all your energy into planning a Disney trip. I am very, very sorry to hear baout your mother. That msut be truly difficult
I have never felt taht someone is less valuable to society or less fufilled or less of a family just becuase they do not have children.
