Parents, why did you decide to have children?

[JerseyJanice]

OT, but when I was a kid, I just loved spraying and wiping things--like furniture polish or windows. My mom got a ton of work out of me.

Unfortunately, I haven't found a way to convince my own kid that spraying and wiping is actually fun.

 

[kimmar067]

OT, but when I was a kid, I just loved spraying and wiping things--like furniture polish or windows. My mom got a ton of work out of me.

Unfortunately, I haven't found a way to convince my own kid that spraying and wiping is actually fun.

[....Janice, is it ME, or do we both seem to be in an incredibly GOOD MOOD today??? ]

 

[JerseyJanice]

[....Janice, is it ME, or do we both seem to be in an incredibly GOOD MOOD today??? ]

Hmmm...you're onto something there, Kimmar. You don't suppose it could have something to do with the Yankees' win?

 

[kimmar067]

Hmmm...you're onto something there, Kimmar. You don't suppose it could have something to do with the Yankees' win?

....nahhhhhhhh.......

 

[castleview]

I knew I wanted to have kids since I can remember. I was always envious of kids who had large families and loving parents - my parents divorced much later than they should have.

Having said that, deciding when was a totally different story. I liked having extra cash, sleeping, and being able to come and go as I pleased. After a few years of marriage, DH and I decided to risk not using birth control and I got pregnant. I have to admit, even though we were getting ready for baby - we savored being a couple. Even after my water broke, I was like "ok, I'm not ready for this!" But it all changed once DD was born.

I compare the desiring of a baby to contractions. After you get married, you only think about it once in a while if at all. Then you start thinking about it a little more and let it go. Eventually, the time you don't think about it gets shorter. Sounds weird, I know.

 

[Ember]

Why are those comments unhelpful? It actually describes my experience. Some people just "know" they are going to be parents and be good at it. Some just "know" they will never be parents (like my teenager who hates kids).

It is a personal decision people who want kids should marry those of a like mind and visa versa.

Well, they're unhelpful because replies of "we just knew" imply there was no forethought, it was a forgone conclusion. I've never had anything in my life be a forgone conclusion. Everything I was told, "you'll just know" about hasn't been that way.

I also, to be 100% honest, I can't imagine not having concerns going in. Regardless of the social expectation that everyone is a great parent, as a teacher I can tell you that just isn't true. I've seen a lot of examples of average parents and many examples of parents who should have been sterilized at birth. That sounds harsh, but it's true. There's a very heavy evolutionary pressure to have kids and I've heard some very silly reasons to have them. (Example: I thought it would save my failing relationship.)

I'm at a point right now where I'm examining my own motives. I have no deep need to have a child. No biological clock is ticking for me. But my husband and I are talking about it and thinking it though. We're asking why we are thinking about it and what those thoughts mean. In an effort to get a different perspective, I thought I'd put the question out there. The comments on this thread will not make me decide to procreate, but I hope they will provide a starting point for further conversations with my husband, to help us look at things we my not have otherwise considered. So with that end in mind, "we just knew" doesn't help.

Thanks to everyone who replied, though. It's interesting to see everyone's thoughts.

 

[pearlieq]

Why are those comments unhelpful? It actually describes my experience.

I'm sure the OP didn't mean to offend at all or to diminish anyone's experience. It's not that there's anything wrong with people who "just knew" it's just doesn't help her make the decision she wants to make because she doesn't "just know".

It's a little like asking for career advice. If you go to a career counselor and ask them for help in deciding on a possible career and all they tell you is "I just knew I always wanted to be a career counselor" it doesn't really help you make a decision! I'm sure that's all the OP meant.

I'm sure, given the number of "my pregnancy was a surprise" and "it just seemed like that what you're supposed to do" stories on this thread, that lots of people arrive at the decision in different ways.

 

[monkeybug]

Well, they're unhelpful because replies of "we just knew" imply there was no forethought, it was a forgone conclusion. I've never had anything in my life be a forgone conclusion. Everything I was told, "you'll just know" about hasn't been that way.

I also, to be 100% honest, I can't imagine not having concerns going in. Regardless of the social expectation that everyone is a great parent, as a teacher I can tell you that just isn't true. I've seen a lot of examples of average parents and many examples of parents who should have been sterilized at birth. That sounds harsh, but it's true. There's a very heavy evolutionary pressure to have kids and I've heard some very silly reasons to have them. (Example: I thought it would save my failing relationship.)

I'm at a point right now where I'm examining my own motives. I have no deep need to have a child. No biological clock is ticking for me. But my husband and I are talking about it and thinking it though. We're asking why we are thinking about it and what those thoughts mean. In an effort to get a different perspective, I thought I'd put the question out there. The comments on this thread will not make me decide to procreate, but I hope they will provide a starting point for further conversations with my husband, to help us look at things we my not have otherwise considered. So with that end in mind, "we just knew" doesn't help.

Thanks to everyone who replied, though. It's interesting to see everyone's thoughts.

I think the fact that your husband and you are putting so much thought into this decision is a good sign as to what kind of parents you might be (if you decide to have kids!) I know a couple who struggled with this decision. They ended up fostering and eventually adopting a foster child. They are amazing parents! So intelligent and thoughtful! Fostering an older child who had a rocky start was the perfect thing for them. They were able to travel with him and show him places he had never seen, share their love of books with a child old enough to appreciate them, and really take the time nurture and mentor a young man who really, really needed it. He was 8 when he first came to live with them, he is a senior in HS now (and an Eagle scout and honors student) They weren't a young child type of family. I don't think they would have enjoyed having an infant or toddler in the home, but man are they rock star parents!!!

 

[mickeyboat]

I think maybe what you are learning through this thread is that many people just don't put that kind of thought into whether or not to have children. And just because many of us didn't debate whether or not to do it, doesn't mean that we thought we would be perfect parents, or that we didn't have concerns. It's just that those concerns did not change our desire to have children.

Did you put that kind of thought into whether or not you would get married?

 

[MerMom60_94]

When I was growing up (in the 60s and 70s) I just always wanted to get married and be a mommy. I constantly played with baby dolls and never considered that I could be anything else. Then, during those years, women started having other options. They could continue their education and aim toward any kind of career. Therefore, when I hit adulthood it went out of vogue to be "just a mommy". I was in the workplace and I would say where I was that was somewhat looked down on. I'm not saying that was right, I'm just saying that is how it was where I was. Therefore, there was pressure to want a career and be a company "man". On top of this, of my five brothers and sisters, four had divorces. This impacted my ability to trust whether my marriage would always be forever. So, in my twenties I was very skeptical and not sure if I even wanted kids. I was used to a certain lifestyle and afraid I would give it up to have a child and if I didn't like being a mother there would be no going back. Then, when I was in my mid-thirties, my mother got diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a bit of a wake up call and it got me thinking if I were to keep putting off motherhood my child might never know my mother. I finally decided to take my chances and had my daughter when I was 34 years old. I have never once regretted that decision. All those "things" that I thought were so important and that I couldn't do without just totally left my radar screen. The career thing? Well, I still work. I have a good job but I don't take it nearly as seriously as I did back then. Certainly having a child hasn't cut into my ability to survive corporately. Lots of people hold a job and raise a child and I have the advantage of a husband with a funky firefighter schedule and two retired moms who helped out when we both were working. My only regret is that I waited as long as I did because I ended up having only one child and I think being a mom is really my forte after all. Also, I am feeling the squeeze of having a teenager and elderly parents which oftentimes causes me to have to make tough choices on who needs my attention more at any given time.

This is such a personal decision. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[skuttle]

DH and I were married 2.5 years when we found out I was pregnant with DS. He was a complete surprise. I was in my last year of law school and DH was still in college (didn't finish the first time around and decided after 3 years off to go back). I'm not sure if we ever would have felt ready for it. I'm very glad it happened the way it did. Of course we freaked out, didn't know how we would afford it, especially after DS arrived 4 weeks early and BEFORE I was supposed to take the bar exam so I wasn't able to take it. It all worked out though. DS is now 6 years old and in 1st grade!

We've been trying for baby #2, unsuccessfully, for over 3 years. I'm an only child and I really don't want DS to be an only. I really never had a problem being an only growing up. It was once I hit adulthood (getting married, having a baby, parents getting older, etc) that I realized how much I wish I had siblings. I know there is no guarantee that DS would be close to his siblings, but I just don't want him to be an only. Plus, I loved being pregnant and we have had so much fun with DS that we want to do it again! Unfortunately, so far it hasn't worked out for us.

 

[freckles and boo]

I have found that for those who put a lot of thought into the decision, there are many more concrete and tangible reasons NOT to have children than there at to have children. Becoming a parent is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. I have two kids. One of my girls has many challenges, which certainly wasn't part of the "plan". You are either willing to jump in the deep end or you aren't. Whatever choice you make is personal and doesn't in any way reflect on your value as a person. My girls are lucky to have lots of people in their lives who spoil them rotten, including good friends who chose not to have kids.

 

[turkeymama]

I think maybe what you are learning through this thread is that many people just don't put that kind of thought into whether or not to have children. And just because many of us didn't debate whether or not to do it, doesn't mean that we thought we would be perfect parents, or that we didn't have concerns. It's just that those concerns did not change our desire to have children.

Did you put that kind of thought into whether or not you would get married?

I've been reading through responses, and I've been hesitant to jump in. I think you summed up my experience.

My husband and I didn't think about it. Having children was part of our plan, just like some couples plan on not ever having children. We never talked about what kind of parents we would be and we never debated it. We knew we agreed on many aspects of raising children since both of us had similar upbringings that didn't leave us psychologically scarred. Seriously, though, we discussed and settled the matter of whether or not to have kids before we ever got married. My only condition was that I wanted to be done having babies before I turned 30 (personal reasons).

 

[fimac]

We decided to have kids after looking at the long term picture. Would we regret it if we did not have kids ? We both decided that we would. Both of Dh sisters are in long term relationships without kids and we would not trade places with them. Nobody is a perfect parent, but generally the good days out weight the bad.

 

[NotUrsula]

Why are those comments unhelpful? It actually describes my experience. Some people just "know" they are going to be parents and be good at it. Some just "know" they will never be parents (like my teenager who hates kids).

...

Good luck with your decision

I'm not the OP, but I'm guessing that it is unhelpful because if she felt that way she wouldn't be asking for reasons. This is obviously a person who is looking for a logic-based decision, and gut-feelings, however useful, are not logical.

When you don't "just know" (either way), then it really is a decision, and one that is difficult to work through.

In my case, I never really made the decision for myself re: my first child. My DH had a near-death experience, and shortly afterward, told me that as a result of his experience it was now very important to him to have a child. It was not important to me, and in fact I had some serious reservations, but I agreed to give up BC because I loved him and I wanted to be able to give him that child that he wanted so badly.

As it turned out, the pregnancy and birth were quite traumatic for me. I ended up with PTSD as a result, and it was a LONG time before I was ready to consider doing it again. However, I did it the second time because of the first time -- I wasn't really getting over the PTSD, and it eventually became something of a mission for me to be able to get through another pregnancy and birth WITHOUT trauma. Three miscarriages later, I finally did, and I was finally able to put that first traumatic experience into perspective and get past it.

I've got 2 children 10 years apart, and though I love them, it is their father who is the natural parent. I have to work at it, and to be honest, it's very hard work for me. I will be very glad when they are finally self-sufficient adults.

 

[Ember]

I think maybe what you are learning through this thread is that many people just don't put that kind of thought into whether or not to have children. And just because many of us didn't debate whether or not to do it, doesn't mean that we thought we would be perfect parents, or that we didn't have concerns. It's just that those concerns did not change our desire to have children.

Did you put that kind of thought into whether or not you would get married?

Yes, I did actually put a lot of thought into getting married. We were together 10 years before getting married. We were in high school when we got together and I wasn't getting married until I knew I was doing it for the right reasons. NOT because it was expected, or because I was just following a path blindly, or because I needed someone else to feel complete... And we talked about it a lot. We still talk about it a lot, what various things mean to us and how we feel about them. I love these quiet conversations.

 

[KAMKIM]

I think its odd some would say they just knew they would be good parents. Most good parents will tell you they second guess themselves all the time.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I just started really wanting a child of my own in my late 20's after DH and I had been married a few years. I think a lot of it was being around my niece and nephew, who I adored. I had a burning desire to have a child of my own.

My DS will be 3 next month and I love being a parent. Even my DH, who only agreed to have a child because he knew it was important to me, loves it. He is so glad that we had DS.

We differ from a lot of people though because we don't have any desire to have another. We decided we would just rather focus all our attention on our one child.

 

[Ember]

Seriously, though, we discussed and settled the matter of whether or not to have kids before we ever got married. My only condition was that I wanted to be done having babies before I turned 30 (personal reasons).

We've always leaned towards not having children, but with the idea that it wasn't a closed book. It's been talked about it the past, but only as a possibility, not a reality. The discussions these days are more reality, if that makes sense.

 

[HomeSweetDisney]

My son wasn't planned. At all. I always knew I wanted to be a mom but I always planned on being married and settled into a career. But sometimes life is just unpredictable that way. I'm now a proud single mom to a little boy and working on going back to school so I can provide for him. I'm 23 so it's not as if I am a young high schooler but I was still ill prepared I freaked out about everything in the beginning. How could I provide for him? What if I am a terrible mom? But once they put him in my arms I just somehow knew everything would be okay, as cheesy as that sounds I'm taking it day by day but my son is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I wouldn't change how things turned out for anything