Parents, why did you decide to have children?

[Scurvy]

I have found that for those who put a lot of thought into the decision, there are many more concrete and tangible reasons NOT to have children than there at to have children. Becoming a parent is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. I have two kids. One of my girls has many challenges, which certainly wasn't part of the "plan". You are either willing to jump in the deep end or you aren't. Whatever choice you make is personal and doesn't in any way reflect on your value as a person. My girls are lucky to have lots of people in their lives who spoil them rotten, including good friends who chose not to have kids.

I have to agree with this. If you try to approach it rationally, the "cons" (or at least potential "cons") can really outweigh the "pros". The thing that usually tips the balance is the intangible "I just knew" factor. I sort of think if you don't have that - a desire for a child that you can't really rationalize, but instead you just feel it - you could be trying too hard to convince yourself to have one. I'm sure it doesn't work that way for everyone - I know some people do have more concrete reasons for wanting a child, and I'm not trying to discount those - but in my experience it seems to be that way for most people I've known.

On the other hand, even with that intangible desire for a child, there's still the question of when to have one. For some people, that part is easy to decide because they can look at their lives and plan out their goals and a child just fits in perfectly at some point. For other people, it just doesn't seem possible to choose the perfect time because they keep second guessing themselves and having doubts and concerns even though they know they want a child. People like that (like me!) just have to end up making that leap of faith at some point if they want a child, and then afterward they can't imagine having chosen any differently.

 

[Momvic5]

OT, but when I was a kid, I just loved spraying and wiping things--like furniture polish or windows. My mom got a ton of work out of me.

Unfortunately, I haven't found a way to convince my own kid that spraying and wiping is actually fun.

Just a thought...maybe you have lost the love of spraying and wiping and are giving off bad vibes.

 

[disykat]

IMO if it's all about intellectualizing it, you're not ready or simply aren't meant to have kids. Of course, you have to determine if you are financially prepared, etc., but if you don't feel the desire that's a big indicator. I think "I just knew" is what is missing in the OP's equation.

 

[MerMom60_94]

IMO if it's all about intellectualizing it, you're not ready or simply aren't meant to have kids. Of course, you have to determine if you are financially prepared, etc., but if you don't feel the desire that's a big indicator. I think "I just knew" is what is missing in the OP's equation.

I don't know Disycat. I think I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. There are personality types that base decisions on their feelings and there are other personality types that are more analytical. I am guessing Ember is more of an analytical type. To Ember I would say, be careful of analysis paralysis. I agree with those who say at some point you have to take "a leap of faith" rather than just keep analyzing. Take a look at what you want your life to look like down the line and determine how children fit into that picture, if at all. Not everyone has to have children. It's ok if you have other plans for your life. If, however, you think children fit into your life then at some point it is a matter of taking a chance.

 

[Wishing on a star]

IMO if it's all about intellectualizing it, you're not ready or simply aren't meant to have kids. Of course, you have to determine if you are financially prepared, etc., but if you don't feel the desire that's a big indicator. I think "I just knew" is what is missing in the OP's equation.

I TOTALLY agree.
Being a parent is not a pros-vs-cons, intellectual, analytical, type of proposition.
It is about feelings and heart and hard physical work and sacrificial love.

PS: I don't care how much one has always 'known' they wanted to become a parent.... I am not sure that anyone ever really feels that they are 'ready'.

While most would never feel 'ready'....
IMHO, one must feel that this is something that they want.

If one is not sure that this is something that they really want.
I would suggest that therein lies their answer.

 

[disykat]

I don't know Disycat. I think I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. There are personality types that base decisions on their feelings and there are other personality types that are more analytical. I am guessing Ember is more of an analytical type. To Ember I would say, be careful of analysis paralysis. I agree with those who say at some point you have to take "a leap of faith" rather than just keep analyzing. Take a look at what you want your life to look like down the line and determine how children fit into that picture, if at all. Not everyone has to have children. It's ok if you have other plans for your life. If, however, you think children fit into your life then at some point it is a matter of taking a chance.

I think you missed the "it can't be all about intellectualizing" in my post. There's nothing wrong with analyzing, but as you seem to agree there's a point when you have to take that leap. That leap has to do with desire. If the desire isn't there, why leap?

 

[harleyquinn]

But I love my husband and I want a piece of him to live on after him.

I can't believe there is someone else out there with the same reason as me.

I truly feel that in marrying DH it was my duty to carry on his genes, because he is that amazing of a person. His whole family is. And I owe it to the world to continue the love and vibes they put out.

OP you sound so much like me. In fact, I started a VERY similar thread a few years ago. I was very, very happy with our relationship before my DD. I loved spending time together, just being a couple and I would have really loved to just stay that way for another 10 years or so--traveling, buying a dream home, and focusing on our careers. I really felt too selfish to be a mom. I wanted DH all to myself (OP you haven't given off this vibe at all-don't let me offend you!). I was so afraid I'd be jealous of the baby.

As soon as I got pregnant, I realized those fears were stupid. I felt even closer to DH knowing we'd created a life together--that a piece of each of us would continue. And of course, he is an amazing daddy and my heart just swells watching the two of them together.

Do I miss my old life? Yes and no...things are still pretty difficult right now. Juggling my job and finding time to just relax is extremely difficult. But the funny thing is that all of the things I was REALLY worried about have been nothing. It's the things I couldn't conceive of that have thrown me for a loop. Looking forward to the future is so completely different than what it used to be. It's like living a whole new life. Not necessarily better than the old one, but just somehow MORE than the old one.

I'm really enjoying the stories!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I have found that for those who put a lot of thought into the decision, there are many more concrete and tangible reasons NOT to have children than there at to have children. Becoming a parent is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. I have two kids. One of my girls has many challenges, which certainly wasn't part of the "plan". You are either willing to jump in the deep end or you aren't. Whatever choice you make is personal and doesn't in any way reflect on your value as a person. My girls are lucky to have lots of people in their lives who spoil them rotten, including good friends who chose not to have kids.

I totally agree with you. It is a huge leap of faith! While pregnant it became quite apparent how little we control and that realization didn't end with delivery. Faith. Hope. Love.

to you, Freckles and Boo.

 

[bumbershoot]

My husband and I are not helpful for you. Each of us separately, from childhood on, just knew we wanted children. At 15, before I'd had a proper kiss, I was dreaming of having a homebirth and nursing a baby. It's just hard-wired in me. Hubby always dreamed of a wife and family, though I'm not sure he had actual dreams of it like I did.


On the other hand, my brother has always disliked children younger than him. Which was difficult as we have half siblings from our dad's second marriage. My brother would literally hide out if some kid came by (our street was tiny, but occasionally another kid would move onto the street). It has not been a surprise that he has NEVER been tempted to have a kid. When he met the woman who is now his wife, early on in their relationship he laid it on the line for her. Luckily she was already extremely career-oriented, and it was an easy decision for her to make. They have a wonderful life that would NOT be possible if they had children, and they are wonderful, caring, generous people. Who knew, from childhood and collegehood on that they didn't want kids.


I think more people fall in between, as you are, where actual thought needs to go into it. But no thought was needed for us. Lots of discussion of matching goals, etc...but those were done in our first couple of dates, so no further thought was needed.

 

[quentina]

I wanted to make a difference in someone's life....I wanted to be able to feel proud, experience unconditional love and experience the wonders and excitement of parenthood.

 

[KAMKIM]

I can't believe there is someone else out there with the same reason as me.

I truly feel that in marrying DH it was my duty to carry on his genes, because he is that amazing of a person. His whole family is. And I owe it to the world to continue the love and vibes they put out.

OP you sound so much like me. In fact, I started a VERY similar thread a few years ago. I was very, very happy with our relationship before my DD. I loved spending time together, just being a couple and I would have really loved to just stay that way for another 10 years or so--traveling, buying a dream home, and focusing on our careers. I really felt too selfish to be a mom. I wanted DH all to myself (OP you haven't given off this vibe at all-don't let me offend you!). I was so afraid I'd be jealous of the baby.

As soon as I got pregnant, I realized those fears were stupid. I felt even closer to DH knowing we'd created a life together--that a piece of each of us would continue. And of course, he is an amazing daddy and my heart just swells watching the two of them together.

Do I miss my old life? Yes and no...things are still pretty difficult right now. Juggling my job and finding time to just relax is extremely difficult. But the funny thing is that all of the things I was REALLY worried about have been nothing. It's the things I couldn't conceive of that have thrown me for a loop. Looking forward to the future is so completely different than what it used to be. It's like living a whole new life. Not necessarily better than the old one, but just somehow MORE than the old one.

I'm really enjoying the stories!

That is probably the best compliment I've heard someone give their spouse. I personally like to think my dd's got more of my DNA than his though

 

[Ember]

So, parents, (even those who "just knew") did you consider what you would do if the child had disabilities, either physical or mental, and the implications a disabled child would have on your marriage? Did you talk about what could happen if you ended up divorcing? Did you talk about how your relationship would change and when and what circumstances would require you to put the marriage first? Did you think about where the support would be in terms of family and friends? Could you see the whole future laid out in terms of being the parent to a teenager vs. having a baby? Did you ever consider adoption or was it biological or nothing? What about your goals for a child, did you think about what they were and how you as parents would nurture those goals? Did you look at other couples and think about their parenting and what you admired vs. didn't like? Maybe I'm the odd ball here, but there seems to be a lot to think about...

I get that at some point you take a leap of faith. I just think there are emotional, physical, and social consequences to be considered. If this means we are not meant to be parents, because we're thinking it through vs. just knowing it's suppose to be, then we'll arrive at that conclusion. As I said, I respect the people who "just knew." But I'm not one of them. And I don't think "just knowing" makes for a better parent, either. Just because you feel you want to do something, doesn't guarantee you'll be good at it.

Right now I'm facing the upcoming death of my mother. I don't want to just react to this by having a child, because I know that's where part of the desire is coming from (for both of us, my husband lost his parents as a young child and is very close to my mother). So we're talking about it, and all the implications. We're examining our feelings and being open and honest. I do apologize that this doesn't work for some people.

 

[look1angel]

Am I a horrible mom if I say I just got pregnant...it wasn't planned?? I will add I was married .

Yes, had lots of concerns...like OMG...how do I do this. Can we afford this, how are we going to....add 1 million things here.

You just do it. I was young and married, in my early 20's and I adapted. I did what I had to do as a mom . It worked too...he is alive and grown up and engaged (oh, he cooks, cleans, irons and does laundry too!!). The other 3 are ok too .

Oh, I will add that the past decision I made as a parent was to divorce my first husband. Yup...no regrets. Best thing I ever did for my 2 DS's and myself!!

Wow, What a coincidence as I would say the same except I have 3 all grown up with one married. And ditto on the divorce...

 

[KiminChicago]

For me, the decision to have kids was one of the easiest decisions I've ever had to make. Although I'm the oldest, two of my siblings had children before I did and I spent a lot of time with all of my nieces as infants and I just couldn't imagine never having one of my own. It helped that I seemed to have a natural ability to care for infants. My sister was not a patient mom, so I would often go with her when my first niece was a baby and needed to see a doctor. I can't even tell you the number of times my niece threw up or peed on me, and although I can't say I enjoyed the experience, it didn't bother me nearly as much as it would have bothered my sister.

DH and I definitely had to consider what might happen if we had a child with disabilities since I was 33 and he was 34 when we met. Since I was 35 with my first pregnancy, all of my pregnancies were considered high-risk. We decided from the very beginning that no matter what, we'd just take whatever came and deal with issues as they happened. Fortunately, both of my children are completely healthy, but after my DD was born when I was 39, we decided not to push our luck any further (although I think DH would have liked a third child).

 

[freckles and boo]

So, parents, (even those who "just knew") did you consider what you would do if the child had disabilities, either physical or mental, and the implications a disabled child would have on your marriage? Did you talk about what could happen if you ended up divorcing? Did you talk about how your relationship would change and when and what circumstances would require you to put the marriage first? Did you think about where the support would be in terms of family and friends? Could you see the whole future laid out in terms of being the parent to a teenager vs. having a baby? Did you ever consider adoption or was it biological or nothing? What about your goals for a child, did you think about what they were and how you as parents would nurture those goals? Did you look at other couples and think about their parenting and what you admired vs. didn't like? Maybe I'm the odd ball here, but there seems to be a lot to think about...

I get that at some point you take a leap of faith. I just think there are emotional, physical, and social consequences to be considered. If this means we are not meant to be parents, because we're thinking it through vs. just knowing it's suppose to be, then we'll arrive at that conclusion. As I said, I respect the people who "just knew." But I'm not one of them. And I don't think "just knowing" makes for a better parent, either. Just because you feel you want to do something, doesn't guarantee you'll be good at it.

Right now I'm facing the upcoming death of my mother. I don't want to just react to this by having a child, because I know that's where part of the desire is coming from (for both of us, my husband lost his parents as a young child and is very close to my mother). So we're talking about it, and all the implications. We're examining our feelings and being open and honest. I do apologize that this doesn't work for some people.

First of all, I am very sorry about your mom. I am sure much of this questioning stems from your worries and sadness. I am sure she will be dearly missed.

To answer some of your questions -
You can believe that you have all the answers and a good plan in place but life will throw you at least one or two nasty curve balls anyway.

Yes, I thought about many of the things you asked about. I was married for seven years (and with my husband for eleven) before we had our first child. We went through fertility troubles and considered adoption. I did watch others make parenting choices that made me cringe. The most important thing, in my opinion, is having a strong partner whom I trust to weather those storms with me and our kids. I wasn't worried about him flaking out or bolting if something went wrong. Divorce isn't something I have ever considered. I wouldn't have had a child with someone who I didn't think would be a good parent. THAT is far more important than having some kind of goal for my children. Our goal for them is to be strong, independent, kind, compassionate, and curious people. What really will matter is the goals they set for themselves. We can guide them but they aren't "ours".

And I do have a child with a disability. My younger daughter has autism. She is funny, very intelligent, and creative. She has very limited social skills and didn't talk until she was four (three years ago) but she can read like a fiend and she plays the piano beautifully. Having a kid who is so different has brought us closer together in an attempt to raise her well. Is that going to happen in all marriages? No. But after mourning our "loss" we got over it and made our family work. If you have unrealistic expectations you will inevitably be disappointed.

Kids do change everything. It has taken me a very long time to organize my thoughts and type this out because I have been side tracked a dozen times. I have to go get them in bed right now.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I knew I would not always feel like cleaning up the house alone

I did not have loving parents when I grew up ,( thank God for my Grandparents!)
I knew that I wanted at least one to love and to have love me back . When I married my 1st DH he wanted 4 We met in the middle with 2 of the best things that ever happened to me !
The ex Dh has 3 kids including our 2 and he wishes the old bag he was with now would have one for him but she is old bawwhwhaaaa

For the love of God we have a Grandchild now and the man still wants more children .

 

[monkeybug]

So, parents, (even those who "just knew") did you consider what you would do if the child had disabilities, either physical or mental, and the implications a disabled child would have on your marriage? Did you talk about what could happen if you ended up divorcing? Did you talk about how your relationship would change and when and what circumstances would require you to put the marriage first? Did you think about where the support would be in terms of family and friends? Could you see the whole future laid out in terms of being the parent to a teenager vs. having a baby? Did you ever consider adoption or was it biological or nothing? What about your goals for a child, did you think about what they were and how you as parents would nurture those goals? Did you look at other couples and think about their parenting and what you admired vs. didn't like? Maybe I'm the odd ball here, but there seems to be a lot to think about...

I get that at some point you take a leap of faith. I just think there are emotional, physical, and social consequences to be considered. If this means we are not meant to be parents, because we're thinking it through vs. just knowing it's suppose to be, then we'll arrive at that conclusion. As I said, I respect the people who "just knew." But I'm not one of them. And I don't think "just knowing" makes for a better parent, either. Just because you feel you want to do something, doesn't guarantee you'll be good at it.

Right now I'm facing the upcoming death of my mother. I don't want to just react to this by having a child, because I know that's where part of the desire is coming from (for both of us, my husband lost his parents as a young child and is very close to my mother). So we're talking about it, and all the implications. We're examining our feelings and being open and honest. I do apologize that this doesn't work for some people.

Ember I don't think that you are an odd ball at all! I think MOST moms think about all of those things you mentioned, especially during that first pregnancy. I was the kind of person that thought about most of those things long before I ever had Children, and my husband and I talked about many of them before we were married. My husband and I even made a sort of "mission statement" while I was pregnant (we are nerds!!) We decided the things that were most important to us to instill in our children, and when life gets crazy it honestly helps me to look at that and remember what we are striving for (did I mention I'm a total nerd?)
Just remember the what if game is never ending. Even the best planners can't plan for everything!!

 

[LuvOrlando]

So, parents, (even those who "just knew") did you consider what you would do if the child had disabilities, either physical or mental, and the implications a disabled child would have on your marriage? Did you talk about what could happen if you ended up divorcing? Did you talk about how your relationship would change and when and what circumstances would require you to put the marriage first? Did you think about where the support would be in terms of family and friends? Could you see the whole future laid out in terms of being the parent to a teenager vs. having a baby? Did you ever consider adoption or was it biological or nothing? What about your goals for a child, did you think about what they were and how you as parents would nurture those goals? Did you look at other couples and think about their parenting and what you admired vs. didn't like? Maybe I'm the odd ball here, but there seems to be a lot to think about...

I get that at some point you take a leap of faith. I just think there are emotional, physical, and social consequences to be considered. If this means we are not meant to be parents, because we're thinking it through vs. just knowing it's suppose to be, then we'll arrive at that conclusion. As I said, I respect the people who "just knew." But I'm not one of them. And I don't think "just knowing" makes for a better parent, either. Just because you feel you want to do something, doesn't guarantee you'll be good at it.

Right now I'm facing the upcoming death of my mother. I don't want to just react to this by having a child, because I know that's where part of the desire is coming from (for both of us, my husband lost his parents as a young child and is very close to my mother). So we're talking about it, and all the implications. We're examining our feelings and being open and honest. I do apologize that this doesn't work for some people.

You are trying to rationalize a desire to have kids which is as old as time. I have to wonder why? Having a family is about as reasonable as our collective love of all things Disney and our desire to fly there and drop thousands of dollars on fun and frivolity.

From a purely rational standpoint I suppose me having kids was crazy. I had never been near a kid before and knew nothing about them. My own family was a mess so I didn't have any idea what I was doing (so I just did the opposite of what I grew up with). Interestingly, other people's kids used to make me cringe when they were all messy and dirty and sick. Kids require a bigger house. Kids cost a ton of money. Kids keep me from partying all the time with my DH. Kids demand my attention 24/7. Kids are always testing boundaries so the parent is always in a battle of wills. Then there is the fact that they are not always perfect (both of mine have Asthma and I almost died bringing my preemie DD into this world). Nonetheless, I still consider myself the luckiest person on the planet that God gave me the family I have. There is nothing at all rational about it, but it's still the smartest most grounded decision I have ever made in my entire life. Human beings require love and kids, bless their little hearts, are the purest embodiment of love on this earth in my humble opinion.... but they are selfish and only do well with self-less parents.

Good luck in your choice, all I can say is be honest with yourself. You don't need to be honest with us or even your DH, but you must absolutely be honest with yourself.

 

[turkeymama]

So, parents, (even those who "just knew") did you consider what you would do if the child had disabilities, either physical or mental, and the implications a disabled child would have on your marriage? Did you talk about what could happen if you ended up divorcing? Did you talk about how your relationship would change and when and what circumstances would require you to put the marriage first? Did you think about where the support would be in terms of family and friends? Could you see the whole future laid out in terms of being the parent to a teenager vs. having a baby? Did you ever consider adoption or was it biological or nothing? What about your goals for a child, did you think about what they were and how you as parents would nurture those goals? Did you look at other couples and think about their parenting and what you admired vs. didn't like? Maybe I'm the odd ball here, but there seems to be a lot to think about...

I get that at some point you take a leap of faith. I just think there are emotional, physical, and social consequences to be considered. If this means we are not meant to be parents, because we're thinking it through vs. just knowing it's suppose to be, then we'll arrive at that conclusion. As I said, I respect the people who "just knew." But I'm not one of them. And I don't think "just knowing" makes for a better parent, either. Just because you feel you want to do something, doesn't guarantee you'll be good at it.

Right now I'm facing the upcoming death of my mother. I don't want to just react to this by having a child, because I know that's where part of the desire is coming from (for both of us, my husband lost his parents as a young child and is very close to my mother). So we're talking about it, and all the implications. We're examining our feelings and being open and honest. I do apologize that this doesn't work for some people.

I'll only address the things that I feel I can apply to my situation. My first child was born with life-threatening food allergies. I knew that there was a very good chance that my second child would have the same thing. Food allergies are a lot more stressful than they sound, especially when you have no experience with them (we didn't). But we took a chance anyway. We figured we learned what to do with the first one, we could figure out the second one. As it turned out, my second child does not have food allergies. Instead, we won the autism lottery with him. I won't lie and say it isn't stressful on a marriage because it can be at times. But ultimately, we have the same goal in mind and that is to get through the day. Speaking of goals, we haven't thought about that with either child. They are both good at different things, so we try to nurture each one with things they excel at. For example, my daughter is good at creative writing and softball. So we invest lots of time and energy in those things with her. My son is good at patterns, math, and soccer. So that's what we focus on with him. But those are immediate goals. We would love for both of them to be successful and go to college and have nice careers. However, we need to get through the school year first. Heck, we need to get through the rest of the week first. One day at a time. We never talk about "what if we divorce". I realize some people may do that and that's okay. This is a personal belief system for us, but we feel like speaking in those terms makes it seem like divorce would be a viable option if things don't turn out like we expect them to. My mom divorced my dad when I was young because he was extremely abusive. I see that as a viable reason to divorce. I recognize that there are many reasons why people would divorce. My husband is faithful to me and has never been abusive in our 11 years of being together. Since my husband and I still want the same things out of life and we still like each other, I don't see any reason to discuss it. I guess we are "cross that bridge when you get to it" kind of people about stuff like that. Sometimes I feel like that makes me seem like an oddball.

I don't think you are an oddball. I think you don't want to make a huge decision like this based on a knee-jerk reaction to your current life circumstances. That makes you seem a whole lot more rational and logical than most of the human population.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't think you are an oddball. I think you don't want to make a huge decision like this based on a knee-jerk reaction to your current life circumstances. That makes you seem a whole lot more rational and logical than most of the human population.

I agree!

Ember, I'm one of the people who was talking about "just knowing" and taking a leap a faith. I don't think you're an oddball, though. With my first child it was a very emotional decision. If I'd been relying purely on reason I wouldn't have had him, because I came up with so many more concrete reasons not to have a child (the changes in lifestyle, the possibilities of something going wrong, the fear that I'd be a bad parent. . .) and not that many concrete reasons to have one. It was that "just knowing" that tipped the balance. On the other hand, when we thought through whether to have another child the "just knowing" wasn't there. There were reasons we thought we should, and reasons we thought we shouldn't, and we finally decided that unless we both were sure about it we wouldn't have a second child. The fact that we never "just knew" about a second child sort of made the decision for us, if that makes sense. So for me, that lack of "just knowing" is a reason not to have a child.

You sound like you are more rational about this than I was, though, and I don't think the fact that you don't just know means that you would be a bad parent. I think the fact that you take it this seriously means you'd probably be a very good one. But of course if you decide it isn't for you there's nothing wrong with that, either. Different people process things differently. The fact that you think through things like this so much isn't a bad thing at all. But in my experience it is more common for people to decide to have kids based on emotion or intangible reasons, which means that others' experiences might not be as helpful to you as they might be if more people thought it through the way you are.