Parents of strong willed children support group

[Amg120499]

So is everyone's child behaving now???? I hope no one minds me digging this back up and I also hope somewill be around to H-E-L-P M-E!!!!!

DD has since turned 8 and is still difficult. Friday she had my mom in tears and Saturday it was me. What do I do? She had a screaming fit at a restaurant where I had to drag her out of there all because she refused to sit in the middle of the booth. She already knew she was on thin ice because of what she did to my mom just the day before.

I am broken and at witts end. I spent the rest of the weekend numb and wondering where to go from here. At this point it is all I can do to even look at her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So is everyone's child behaving now???? I hope no one minds me digging this back up and I also hope somewill be around to H-E-L-P M-E!!!!!

DD has since turned 8 and is still difficult. Friday she had my mom in tears and Saturday it was me. What do I do? She had a screaming fit at a restaurant where I had to drag her out of there all because she refused to sit in the middle of the booth. She already knew she was on thin ice because of what she did to my mom just the day before.

I am broken and at witts end. I spent the rest of the weekend numb and wondering where to go from here. At this point it is all I can do to even look at her.

When my dd was that little there was no gray area. You had to be black and white with her. If she saw an inch she took a mile.

So my advice to you is to do prep work with your dd and have plan when your dd does not comply when you are out.

It is like we expect "this" and if you do not do what we expect then "blank" will happen. Now they will test you and try and break you. However if you have a plan in place and do it always, they are going to be the ones with the consequences, not you.

Practice this skill many times with something that does not matter to get your system down. Do not wait to do it when you need to go out to eat with others for example.

It is kind of like dog training, if I had to equate it with something. Now I know kids are not dogs, I am just saying the training part is critical for you to get a rhythm.

You go for the setup, like we are going out for ice cream and I expect you to do "this". If you do not then we are going to do "that".

And fully expect your child to challenge you. Do this many times to build up those mommy muscles. Go to parks, grocery store, etc...and do it when you are not stressed or REALLY needing something. These trips are about your dd and not about what your agenda is.

However when she does comply, you give physical affection in the form of HUGS. I have found that it was my best weapon. Who knew?

Around middle school, I started hugging her a lot when she would start complaining and trying to incite a fight. It was the turning point for her.

Now she is a college freshman and she is on meds. Anxiety/depression runs in our families. I am not saying put your child on meds, I am just saying that is what was the final piece of the puzzle for helping my dd move forward in HS. For whatever reason, it keeps her anger in check.

 

[silicon61]

I am a grandmommy of a strong willed child. She has me anguished, her mom is anguished. I watch her all day every day. Now I'm educating myself as I don't want things to remain the same. I am changing and she has to change. Enough is enough. If you'll have me, you will be hearing a lot from me.

 

[shine87]

looks like this thread hadnt been active for a while but I sure could use some other moms with strong willed kids to talk to! I keep saying that dd4 is going to grow up to be a lot of people's boss because she knows what she wants done, when she wants it done, and how she wants it done. This coupled with her separation anxiety that she's developed since her father and I have split and it gets difficult at times. I don't think a day goes by without me being told "stop doing that! I'm dancing and you have to watch me!" or " Sit over here with me!"

 

[Mary•Poppins]

When my dd was that little there was no gray area. You had to be black and white with her. If she saw an inch she took a mile.

So my advice to you is to do prep work with your dd and have plan when your dd does not comply when you are out.

It is like we expect "this" and if you do not do what we expect then "blank" will happen. Now they will test you and try and break you. However if you have a plan in place and do it always, they are going to be the ones with the consequences, not you.

Practice this skill many times with something that does not matter to get your system down. Do not wait to do it when you need to go out to eat with others for example.

It is kind of like dog training, if I had to equate it with something. Now I know kids are not dogs, I am just saying the training part is critical for you to get a rhythm.

You go for the setup, like we are going out for ice cream and I expect you to do "this". If you do not then we are going to do "that".

And fully expect your child to challenge you. Do this many times to build up those mommy muscles. Go to parks, grocery store, etc...and do it when you are not stressed or REALLY needing something. These trips are about your dd and not about what your agenda is.

However when she does comply, you give physical affection in the form of HUGS. I have found that it was my best weapon. Who knew?

Around middle school, I started hugging her a lot when she would start complaining and trying to incite a fight. It was the turning point for her.

Now she is a college freshman and she is on meds. Anxiety/depression runs in our families. I am not saying put your child on meds, I am just saying that is what was the final piece of the puzzle for helping my dd move forward in HS. For whatever reason, it keeps her anger in check.

This is such good advice. The key is to be consistent, consistent, consistent. With a strong-willed child, you can't waiver because they just jump at the inconsistency.

I do have to say my strong-willed child is my "go-getter". Just as he was driven not to say he was sorry and would sit on the time out steps for 40 minutes when he was 2 or three, he now uses that persistence for school and sports. However, when he was little it was a tough road to follow. I ALWAYS felt like I was punishing him. But teaching him when he was little paid off.

Wishing you luck with your child. (And if all else doesn't work, I would highly suggest going to talk to a counselor.)

 

[Pigeon]

I've got one very strong willed child and one agreeable one. My strong willed one is now a 13 year old.

The book "1-2-3 Magic" saved me from checking into the asylum when she was little. I still use the technique on occasion. Your public library will have a copy. It's a quick read, but you have to follow it as described. Changed my life for the better.

 

[aaarcher86]

Count me in for strong willed children! My 5 year old is terrible! My 3 year old... easy as pie lol.

I have yet to find a punishment that works: taking away toys, missing activities... I end up feeling like I'm punishing myself since I end up missing out on doing fun things too!

I'll check into the book mentioned by a pp.

 

[shine87]

Count me in for strong willed children! My 5 year old is terrible! My 3 year old... easy as pie lol.

I have yet to find a punishment that works: taking away toys, missing activities... I end up feeling like I'm punishing myself since I end up missing out on doing fun things too!

I'll check into the book mentioned by a pp.

So true. There's been countless times where I gave DD a certain time frame to change her bahavior and when she wont we'll leave/not get something/not do something. Sometimes I just want to give in since I want to do it!! But I know they'll be another chance and you have to stay as consistant as possible.

 

[worm761]

Can anyone tell me the difference between a strong willed child, a stubborn child, and a "normal" two year old? Boyfriend's family was down recently. Nephew is what one would call a bit stubborn but is also just two years old. Boyfriends mother says he is SO bad. Boyfriends sister calls him strong willed. I thought he was just being two. Some things I completely understood. He is two and didn't want to leave the park. Neither did my 15 year old but he understood better therefore didn't throw a fit. He also insists on some things. I told Boyfriends sister that it is a good thing. He will never be a follower but rather a leader. It seems that everyone around this little boy keeps calling him bad, except his parents. Now, I am a firm believer that most kids will grow up to be what you expect of them. I really hope people stop expecting him to be bad. He is such a cutie and so sweet. This is only a snap shot of his behavior. It may be worse at home. I know he pitches a fit when things don't go his way per his mother. I just thought it was normal 2 year old behavior. I have no idea what it is though as DS has autism so nothing was ever normal with him. Well, except teen attitude. That seems to be universal.

 

[Jeniferdwn]

I was so excited to see the title of this thread. I too would love to have some other parents to talk to! My 3 1/2 year old son is so strong willed and stubborn. You almost cannot make him do something he doesn't want to do. DD9 was an angel and we were not prepared for ds. I love him to death, he is a sweet loving, snuggle bug, but when he decides he doesn't want to do something, that's the final word. He doesn't realize that it has become like a game to me. I won't let him beat me and I will get him to do what I want before it's over. I also realize that if I don't stop this behaviour now, I won't be able to do anything with him as he gets older and that scares me.

 

[bellebud]

I really, really, really, really want to recommend the book "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman, Ph.D, and Ross Campbell, M.D.

It helped me understand my ds9 better than anything else ever has. Both my kids (dd11 and ds9) have had their stages of being strong willed, and it was hard!

My dd11 was a typical strong willed toddler... "I DO!", running away from me in the mall, etc. She eventually outgrew that.

But with my ds, it was more than strong will. The actual fighting between him and I was getting extreme (punishments did nothing)... this book is what saved our relationship and now we have a great one, because I really understand him (and I didn't know before I read the book that I *didn't* understand him, knim?) I thought he was just being pissy and pushing my buttons. Not at all... we weren't speaking the same 'language' at all... read the book!

My dd and I happen to pretty much have the same love languages, so we didn't really "fight" like ds and I did. We connected naturally. He and I have very different love languages, but now that I know that, and know what his are, *wow* in the change in him and our relationship is all I can say.

Hope that helps someone

 

[LIDisneyFan]

3???

I have a strong willed 18 y/o. I can tell you - it's just been loads of fun.

I have exactly the same-it has ben a tough childhood/teenagehood.

BUT (wait for it....)
The adult my strong willed child has become is pretty incredible. All of those things that make you want to kill them as kids are what makes for very successful adults.

.....does that help?

 

[DisneyScraps]

I have one strong willed child.

When she was 3 I read a book called "The Strong Willed Child" one thing that really stuck with me was they said you don't just get to discipline they expect you to prove that you are worthy of that.

How I did that was I am strict but fair. It took a few tries but I used 1-2-3 at 3 her world stopped. She was put into time out immediately. Do that a few times and she got the idea.

I was creative with punishment, I would use whatever was her currency. Sometimes it was taking away a favorite toy. Sometimes it was losing a treat. She learned that she either did what I told her to do or she would feel it. The punishment might change but the consistency that I do what I say I am going to do and I NEVER give in. If I say she is going to lose TV for 2 weeks, she loses it for exactly 2 weeks. Bug me about it and I will add more time.

She is now 10 1/2 it's pretty easy now in that she knows a few things without exception. When I say something she is to do it, period. We can talk about it after but she understands that when I make her do something it's either to keep her safe or to teach her something. I always have a reason even if she doesn't understand it at the time.

I also had an rule. If you cry you don't get what you want.

Sometimes after a week with her Dad in the summer she comes home and she tests me. It's like she just wants to make sure the rules are still in effect. They are and it's almost like she wants to be punished. I understand that and I usually make that first one pretty light.

I am quite proud of how she behaves. She still does not like to be told what to do but she understands that when I say it, she has to do it.

 

[punkin]

What do you do when your child has no "currency"? When she is willing to give up everything and stay in her room for ever just to prove her point? The only leverage I possibly have is forcing her to give up her sport or her music. I will not do that, so the only thing I have left is moral persuasion. Fortunately that usually works with her better than punishment. However, school is still something we are working on since she just can't seem to understand the benefit of good grades.

 

[DisneyScraps]

What do you do when your child has no "currency"? When she is willing to give up everything and stay in her room for ever just to prove her point? The only leverage I possibly have is forcing her to give up her sport or her music. I will not do that, so the only thing I have left is moral persuasion. Fortunately that usually works with her better than punishment. However, school is still something we are working on since she just can't seem to understand the benefit of good grades.

Why wold you not take her sports or music? Those are privileges I would take a sport or music if that was what mattered to her. Not forever but a few missed games might get her attention.

I would set a standard for grades, get a report weekly. Decent grades or a weekend in her bedroom.

Every kid has something, currency could mean making her DO something. Sit through a lecture at a local museum. My mother used to make me hug my brother after a fight...ugh I would have rather been grounded than having to do that. Try getting creative.

 

[bellebud]

What do you do when your child has no "currency"? When she is willing to give up everything and stay in her room for ever just to prove her point? The only leverage I possibly have is forcing her to give up her sport or her music. I will not do that, so the only thing I have left is moral persuasion. Fortunately that usually works with her better than punishment. However, school is still something we are working on since she just can't seem to understand the benefit of good grades.

my ds9 also had no currency.

punishments didn't work for him... rewarding did, and as I mentioned the love languages book above, when I finally began to speak his love languages, his response was incredible, and he tries much more now to do the right thing (not always, of course), but so much better than it used to be.

 

[Jeniferdwn]

I have found 2 things that work for my 3 yr old. I will get a big black trash bag and make him pack up his favorite toys. then I leave it sitting in the den where he has to look at it, but can't touch it. He really hates that. This summer I will have the pool to use. They love to swim so I can use that as punishement all summer!!!

 

[Rora]

I think my mom would've enjoyed this group..

 

[loveysbydesign]

sign me up!