Parents of strong willed children support group

[eliza61]

3???

I have a strong willed 18 y/o. I can tell you - it's just been loads of fun.

You mean they come in other varieties? I pretty much thought that was the definition of teenagers.
I truly love my child but boy was I happy when he picked an out of state college.

 

[golfgal]

I had such a hard time with DS and his stubborness from infancy that by the time he was 5 his doctor was discussing possible ODD (Obstinate Oppositional Disorder). It started very young when he would scream anytime I placed him in enclosed (think strapped in) areas such as high chair, car seat, crib, etc. Some of you might have read how he was out of his crib before a year old Now, I'm not sure if they actually treat this but I did not, just hoped for the best

Well, high school was no laughing matter and I didn't think I'd make it but I did and he's off to the Air Force learning how to take orders without question. Actually, he's loving it, always needed lots of structure and black and white rules so perfect place for him. He is smart and independent, has a heart of gold, and stubborn to no end

DD12 on the other hand is the sweetest most pliable child. She has always been easy-going and anxious to please...I only hope it lasts through the teen years.

Good luck to all of you with the toddlers going through this, it can be difficult finding the imaginary line of independence and being naughty.

Interesting--I hadn't thought of it that way before. DS has always been a stickler for everyone playing by the rules and never handled it well if they changed the rules mid-game, like kids tend to do (backyard games, etc.). He has also always like to have his routine-from birth. If you told him ahead of time that things were going to be different he was fine but if things changed last minute he was a bugger about it. For example, going to a doctor's appointment-if I told him that the dr was going to check his ears, nose, belly, etc. and he was going to get a shot, he was fine but if he went in and they did something out of the ordinary, he would not cooperate. I wonder if the military would really be a good place for him after all--the problem being he would have to tough it out for 4 years if it didn't work out.

 

[PatsGirl]

Golfgal, I'll admit that I was apprehensive when DS choose the military over college but decided I couldn't force him to study so why throw money out the window When he started talking about the service (about the same time I started bugging him about PSATs) I decided to do some research on the available options. I am very pleased that he chose the Air Force. Each branch offers something a bit different but the Air Force (and the Navy) IMHO offer more educational/training opportunities. My first choice was the Coast Guard but hey, again, not my life...

And he loves it! Sure, he complains occasionally about early morning PT or having to walk a block to get wireless internet at his new base, that sort of thing, but he gets paid well, has been in tech school for 14 months and will not deploy for at least another year. I don't have to worry about him, I know he is getting three meals, a bed, and the structure that he craves

BTW, DS signed up for 6 years so its a good thing that he's happy

 

[mariolatry]

Can I join? My daughter, Iris (2 1/2), can blister paint when things don't go her way. When she wants something, she is beyond tenacious. She will an issue to the absolute end. Someone on here said they originally wanted 3 or 4 kids but their strong-willed child convinced them otherwise? That's us to a T. I feel bad for my older daughter. I think she feels that she has to be so good all the time to make up for her sister.

On the plus side, I think have a strong personality is a good quality in a woman.

She's the little one in this picture.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Can I join? My daughter, Iris (2 1/2), can blister paint when things don't go her way. When she wants something, she is beyond tenacious. She will an issue to the absolute end. Someone on here said they originally wanted 3 or 4 kids but their strong-willed child convinced them otherwise? That's us to a T. I feel bad for my older daughter. I think she feels that she has to be so good all the time to make up for her sister.

On the plus side, I think have a strong personality is a good quality in a woman.

She's the little one in this picture.

Oh my goodness, both of your daughters are so cute and the little one definitely has that spunky sparkle in her eye.

So, here is our latest issue. DS is going through a phase where he will ask for something, say juice, and when you hand it to him he says, no juice, and so you take it back and then he says, please juice, so you hand it to him again and he says no juice. It is driving me INSANE! My rule is if he says no twice he doesn't get whatever he's asking for which always leads to a screamfest.

Did anyone else's LOs do this? Any tips for me?

 

[Mandychelle79]

Oh my goodness, both of your daughters are so cute and the little one definitely has that spunky sparkle in her eye.

So, here is our latest issue. DS is going through a phase where he will ask for something, say juice, and when you hand it to him he says, no juice, and so you take it back and then he says, please juice, so you hand it to him again and he says no juice. It is driving me INSANE! My rule is if he says no twice he doesn't get whatever he's asking for which always leads to a screamfest.

Did anyone else's LOs do this? Any tips for me?

Depends on the rules at your house. My kids are allowed to have a drink everywhere so if they tell me no I put the cup on the counter and tell them it will be there when they want it.

 

[Wall-E1]

Hi, another parent of a strong willed child here. Here's his history and how I deal:

I adopted him when he was eight years old. I think that because of his years in foster care, he was kind of wise beyond his years. This has nothing to do with maturity. He was and still is proudly immature. He was very strong willed in the foster care system and was bumped from several homes because of his attitude (Side note: His behavior was absolutely warranted in those situations. Some of those foster families really did wrong by him and treated him awfully. It's a long story for another time). He basically was forced to stand up for himself and become stubborn because of his experiences in the state's system and he did as best a job as he could. He had to be an advocate for himself. I was very happy that I was getting such a strong willed independent child. Of course, after living for six years with my strong willed child, I really feel it may be time for me to either start drinking or smoking. What I have learned from raising him is that both punishments and rewards have no effect on his behavior. I have tried several different techniques and stuck to them. Nothing works with him. That's where my childhood comes in handy. Strangely enough, I grew up in a two parent family and was exactly the same as him. Rewards or punishments didn't work with me either. So, I think back to how I was. If I thought that I was right, I wouldn't back down. I didn't care about the punishment or reward. If I was wrong, I would learn the hard way. If a teacher rubbed me the wrong way, I had a way of completely getting under their skin. I really owe my parents an apology, as they only wanted me to listen to reason. Oh well, every family needs a black sheep.

So, I have come to understand that I cannot win in some instances with my son. I know, based on myself, he won't back down. So, I just try to end disagreements in a draw. This is going to sound bad, but here goes - I can't win against him. The force is too strong in him. He is my equal. I let him make mistakes and learn the hard way. I try not to lie awake at nights stressing about his behavior. I try to put things into perspective. As stubborn and strong willed as he is, he is also extremely funny. He is an honor roll student. He never gets into any real trouble at school, except for clowning around and acting immature. He does have a good conscience and knows the difference between right and wrong in all the important issues. I look at myself and think that for all my stubbornness, I grew up to be fiercely independent in my thinking. I hope he does the same, especially since he is putting me through all of this pain along the way.

So, there really is no solution to the strong willed child in my opinion. I don't think we can "break" them. We just need to accept them and know that they are not always going to do as we would want them to do. And the infrequent victories that we sometimes get - enjoy them because they are few and far between.

 

[taximomfor4]

Golfgal, I'll admit that I was apprehensive when DS choose the military over college but decided I couldn't force him to study so why throw money out the window When he started talking about the service (about the same time I started bugging him about PSATs) I decided to do some research on the available options. I am very pleased that he chose the Air Force. Each branch offers something a bit different but the Air Force (and the Navy) IMHO offer more educational/training opportunities. My first choice was the Coast Guard but hey, again, not my life...

And he loves it! Sure, he complains occasionally about early morning PT or having to walk a block to get wireless internet at his new base, that sort of thing, but he gets paid well, has been in tech school for 14 months and will not deploy for at least another year. I don't have to worry about him, I know he is getting three meals, a bed, and the structure that he craves

BTW, DS signed up for 6 years so its a good thing that he's happy

MY very strong willed (to the point of out of control) brother joined the USMC. He re-upped, and re-upped...got into the MSEP program and went to college, which allowed him to become an officer the day he graduated from Ohio State (with high honors). He KNOWS he never would have made it to a college degree without what being a Marine gave him. He did make the switch to Navy, due to some strange circumstances. He is finishing out his career, and will retire with full pension with a college degree (probably a Masters as well, by then).

He was so strong willed, he was destined to be a soldier/cop or a thug. I firmly believe the military was his only option.

 

[Chris2597]

Mom to a 22 yo strong willed child...who has been that way since birth. I agree with the other poster, the "Strong Willed Child" was a book I could related too in many ways and she is also not one to apologize but she is one who will try to fix what she does or make it better. Its something we are STILL working on!

I always tell her she could be President of the United States, she can argue like a lawyer, she believes her point of view is always right...even with proof it might not be..if she applied all of that stubborness to goals she would be a millionaire.


Kelly

Kelly, I have the male version of your dd. My ds is 23 and is the exact same way and has been this way since he was a little guy.

 

[Chris2597]

Can parents of young adults that have been strong willed since childhood join?

 

[robinb]

I have heard it said that 3 and 13 are a lot alike. If so, I am in deep trouble!

My DD still is a strong willed child. To make matters worse, no "traditional" parenting tricks (like time outs) worked with her when she was younger. I was at my wits end and coming here to the DIS and reading parenting threads was almost torture when people would say things like: "I just give my 3-year old 'the look' and it puts him right back into line!" I tried everything, including spanking. Nothing worked. I didn't get any traction with her until she began to value things and play dates and I finally had something to hold over her head to gain compliance.

FWIW, I believe that many of the traits that drive me crazy as a parent will serve her well as an adult. At least that's what I tell myself .

 

[Wall-E1]

Wow, this thread is really reminiscent of the old Village of the Damned movie. We're all coming together and realizing that something just is not right. Did we all fall unconscious at the same moment and wake up pregnant?(If you have never seen the movie, the previous statement will make no sense whatsoever) Perhaps this theory should be explored.

 

[paintnolish]

Can I join? My daughter, Iris (2 1/2), can blister paint when things don't go her way. When she wants something, she is beyond tenacious. She will an issue to the absolute end. Someone on here said they originally wanted 3 or 4 kids but their strong-willed child convinced them otherwise? That's us to a T. I feel bad for my older daughter. I think she feels that she has to be so good all the time to make up for her sister.

On the plus side, I think have a strong personality is a good quality in a woman.

She's the little one in this picture.

That's kind of what is going on between my 2. DS has always been pretty easy going and low maintenance. I have actually overheard him telling dd "how" to be good- Don't talk back. When mom says "no" say "ok". They are only 15 monthes apart snd dd constantly competes with her brother over anything and everything, even when he is not competing. She has to do it better, faster, neater, etc.

 

[ogreenlee]

Did the disclaimer really keep those folks from coming in to express how these children can be "fixed"? Good going, Clovergirl! LOL

My DD6 is beyond "strong-willed". The pp that spoke about her DD's seat in the classroom being right beside her teacher's desk... that's my kid exactly! She was moved to her own table, and when she was allowed to move back after a few weeks, she refused the opportunity and asked to remain where she was. She knew it was better for her, and she knew that she was progressing at that table.

It's hard to punish her because nothing seems to work. I have stripped her playroom down to nothing, and I don't mean that lightly. I mean, we walked in with boxes and took everything out of her room, including the stray crayon wrapper left in the corner. The only thing left was a table. We even took the chairs. She shrugged it off.

We have figured out that her favorite thing to do is spend time with the family, so when we punish her, we pretty much have to ignore her or banish her to her room. She HATES that, and it seems to be pretty effective. It's sad as hell, though.

I refuse to "break" her spirit. That is who she is, and it is her personality. I got flamed for that yesterday, but I want my daughter to be who she is, and if that is an opinionated, strong-minded person, then GOOD. She needs to learn respect, and I'm working on that, but I want her to learn that she can have that within the realms of being who she is.

She is tenacious, and if she sets her mind to something, she goes after it.

On the plus side, I have a daughter who never begs, never gets caught up in what other kids are doing, and is loving and thoughtful. She's extremely thoughtful.

The pros far outweigh the cons in this household of our strong-willed child.

 

[phamton]

I had such a hard time with DS and his stubborness from infancy that by the time he was 5 his doctor was discussing possible ODD (Obstinate Oppositional Disorder).

I think the exact term is Oppositional Defiant Disorder but I think your description is better because kids with ODD are extremely obstinate.

 

[taximomfor4]

Did the disclaimer really keep those folks from coming in to express how these children can be "fixed"? Good going, Clovergirl! LOL

My DD6 is beyond "strong-willed". The pp that spoke about her DD's seat in the classroom being right beside her teacher's desk... that's my kid exactly! She was moved to her own table, and when she was allowed to move back after a few weeks, she refused the opportunity and asked to remain where she was. She knew it was better for her, and she knew that she was progressing at that table.

It's hard to punish her because nothing seems to work. I have stripped her playroom down to nothing, and I don't mean that lightly. I mean, we walked in with boxes and took everything out of her room, including the stray crayon wrapper left in the corner. The only thing left was a table. We even took the chairs. She shrugged it off.

We have figured out that her favorite thing to do is spend time with the family, so when we punish her, we pretty much have to ignore her or banish her to her room. She HATES that, and it seems to be pretty effective. It's sad as hell, though.

I refuse to "break" her spirit. That is who she is, and it is her personality. I got flamed for that yesterday, but I want my daughter to be who she is, and if that is an opinionated, strong-minded person, then GOOD. She needs to learn respect, and I'm working on that, but I want her to learn that she can have that within the realms of being who she is.

She is tenacious, and if she sets her mind to something, she goes after it.

On the plus side, I have a daughter who never begs, never gets caught up in what other kids are doing, and is loving and thoughtful. She's extremely thoughtful.

The pros far outweigh the cons in this household of our strong-willed child.

If it helps any, dd recently (at age 16) said that she actually DID mind when we took allher belongings except plain tshirts and jeans, and made her earn it all back over several weeks. She just never let on. I ALWAYS new she could out-stubborn me. Just like I knew (after seeing my brother do as he pleased from age 6 on) that if I let her "win", it would all be over. So I dug in the best I could. I am NOT a stubborn person, in fact I was a teacher-pleaser. The OPPOSITE of my oldest dd. She is a WONDERFUL teenager. I don't worry about peer pressure, I trust her to keep her word, and she doesn't try to "keep up with the Jones." SO I guess she kept enough of her strong will to not bow to teenage pressures, but bows to authority enough (or at least FAKES it well enough) to not be in trouble ever anymore.

She uses her powers of strong will for good, rather than evil.

 

[ogreenlee]

If it helps any, dd recently (at age 16) said that she actually DID mind when we took allher belongings except plain tshirts and jeans, and made her earn it all back over several weeks. She just never let on. I ALWAYS new she could out-stubborn me. Just like I knew (after seeing my brother do as he pleased from age 6 on) that if I let her "win", it would all be over. So I dug in the best I could. I am NOT a stubborn person, in fact I was a teacher-pleaser. The OPPOSITE of my oldest dd. She is a WONDERFUL teenager. I don't worry about peer pressure, I trust her to keep her word, and she doesn't try to "keep up with the Jones." SO I guess she kept enough of her strong will to not bow to teenage pressures, but bows to authority enough (or at least FAKES it well enough) to not be in trouble ever anymore.

She uses her powers of strong will for good, rather than evil.

It does help! LOL

I do notice that her behavior is worse during growth spurts. I only recognize the phase once it's over and her jeans are an inch too short.


I love the Irish Dancing photos, btw. I'm all about celtic music! Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[Mandychelle79]

See I kinda know what im in for since my kids are my clones.

One thing is to never ground them from the phone. My mom did this and I refused to answer it even when it was right beside me. I was a pro at getting out of groundings early because I would push it to the extreme. I was grounded to the house, fine well you dont want to leave me alone because I may do something but I cant go anywhere since Im grounded so looks like you are grounded to type of thing.

 

[clovergirl5]

Hi everyone! Looks like we got a good little group going here. Looking forward to getting to know you all better and keeping this place lighthearted with lots of supportive shoulders to lean on. Thanks Gabesmommy for starting the thread.

We had Sears Portrait pics today. Hayden dd2, wasn't wanting to participate in the beginning, but she started having fun after awhile. The lollipop I bribed her with worked wonders! Pics turned out great. I'll post some next week. Here is 2 of my favs from today....

I want to wish everyone a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING...Here's to a quiet, joyful, uneventfull long weekend.

 

[clovergirl5]

Just giving us a bump...looks like no one is around?

Hope everyone had a great, noneventful Thanksgiving. Ours was good. Just at home with just us. Dh worked and got home at 7pm so we ate late.
Hayden-dd2 had been into everything the last few days. Cupboards, drawers, etc. She is getting into ds8 crayon box the last 3 mornings and getting out all his erasers. I mean whole erasers, peices of erasers, and lines them up on the bed Don't know whats up with that. Shes going through an eraser faze I guess!