Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[sunshinehighway]

She views counseling as embarrassing.

You taught her that.

 

[Colleen27]

Growing up, I often went places my mother couldn't afford because my best friend asked me to. They were a relatively well off family with an only child. My mom was a single mom to two. But my friend hated not having someone her own age to enjoy vacationing with, and the world is so geared around the family-of-four that it was a relatively simple matter for them to allow her to invite me.

Now that I'm a parent, I see how difficult a question that must have been for my mom, though I can say with 100% certainty that my friend's family never thought of it as a burden or expected anything in return (they're still family friends now, 25 years later, and they love that I've become the mom who takes extra kids on trips). But I'd like to think that if I was in her shoes, I'd have allowed my child to go just as she did. Because those trips were wonderful experiences and remain great memories.

 

[Colleen27]

And purely philosophical, maybe it would help to keep an eye out for opportunities to pay it forward rather than feeling you need to pay back. It doesn't have to be money, just lend a hand now and then as others did for you. Sometimes in life we need a bit of help, other times we are blessed to be the helper.

That's been my view. There's no turning back the clock and it would be silly to try to do things for the people who helped me when I was young and living in a just-getting-by family. But I enjoy the fact that I've been successful enough as an adult to do things for my kids' friends who don't have our advantages now (not that we're wealthy - far from it - but we have what we need and enough left for some good times).

A small part of me wants to let him go. I know if he goes that means that the only vacation he had during his childhood was with another family. It kills me inside that my kids will never know what's it's like to have a family vacation with both parents and all kids. Cheap stuff like camping gets boring after awhile and my oldest has expressed this to me.

What the kids say now isn't what they'll be saying in a decade or two. I whined All. The. Time. as a tween/teen about how our only vacations as a family were tent camping or staying with my mom's sister. As an adult? I mostly take my kids camping *because* of those memories, and I cherish all that time in the ocean during our boring, low-budget summers staying in my aunt's guest room in Virginia. I think if you talk to most adults, especially those who grew up without a lot of extras, you'll hear similar stories. Kids can be unappreciative in the moment, just because that's how kids are. With maturity, perspective changes even in retrospect.

I even get bored with camping, state parks, and fishing. There are times I wish I could just take my kids to a resort and have others wait on us. I would love a vacation where I didn't have to pitch a damn tent or go days without bathing. Honestly, my kids have never even been to an amusement park or a fancy hotel.

I wouldn't do one on one trips with my younger two kids because I wouldn't want to make my oldest feel bad.

But remember, the kids get the fun of those camping trips without the work of setting everything up! I loved camping as a kid. I hate it now. If I had my way, I'd never pitch a tent again. But the kids think it is great, so I still do it from time to time.

And as far as traveling with your younger children after your oldest leaves the nest, that's something you should really talk to the oldest about when the time comes. I had my son when I was 18, and his younger sisters have had advantages he didn't because we were more financially stable by the time they came along. He doesn't resent that. He understands that we've always done the best we could with the circumstances of the moment, and he's glad they have it better than he did, especially about things I'd consider frivolous (second-hand clothes, haircuts at home) and about educational experiences.

 

[Hrhpd]

I wouldn't want my kids when they are grown to spend money on a vacation for me when their focus should be their spouses and kids. The guilt of not being able to give them a decent vacation will always be with me. I don't think my younger two are happy with camping just like the older one.

A decent vacation is not based on how much money you spend.

We are comfortable, not rich, but comfortable. We can take some ok vacations if we wanted.

However, when our children were younger, all the way up through high school, we always gave them the choice of Disney vs. camping/fishing. They always, always chose camping and fishing at a friend's fishing resort because we enjoyed the family time. The days out on the borrowed boat fishing, the evening campfires and fish fries with the day's catch still is way more nostalgic than running around after fast passes.

As high school boys, their favorite thing was pitching a tent in the backyard with all their friends. They would come after dinner so I didn't have to cook for anyone. They would talk and play games all night long. I would wake up and throw a few dozen donuts and a couple of gallons of orange juice into the front of the tent and that would be the extent of my involvement. Our house, even amongst friends with private jets and 2nd and 3rd houses, was always the go-to house.

My college age son and his very wealthy friends like nothing better to backpack into the back country and camp for days on end. He would LOVE to go camping in Franconia Notch State park. It is awesome.

You need to stop assuming what other people think (because you are very wrong) and stop putting yourself down because you can't afford expensive stuff. It is just stuff. A good vacation is family, however you make that happen. A day at the beach, a night in the woods, the memories are there to be made.

I am also curious what you want out of this thread. You have shot down EVERY SINGLE SUGGESTION and show of support by saying how terrible you are and you can't do this or that. What do YOU want people to tell you?

By the way, we used to have a poster that would post the same type of stuff. Ask a dramatic question and then have excuses for why nothing would work. She lived up around your area too. Also had 3 children. You wouldn't happen to be a canine police officer would you?

 

[Colleen27]

As for you oldest dd telling you how she has missed out on so much, etc. She is a teen ager. ALL teen agers think they have the worst life possible and EVERYONE else has it better than them. Even the rich teenagers.

True story. My son has a friend who comes from money. Not one-percenter territory, but it might as well be for our area. He lives in a huge house, grew up with ATVs and dirtbikes and boats and jet skis (with extras of the single-passenger vehicles so he could invite friends to ride with him), has a pole barn converted to a gaming/man-cave space that was a 13th birthday gift, has traveled all over the world with his parents. Yet he spends his weekends in the "dungeon" - my son's gaming room in our unfinished basement - griping to my son about how his family never does normal things like drinking beer around a backyard bonfire, taking road trips, or wasting an evening playing board games. Last year, he stayed home from a post-Christmas trip to the Virgin Islands and spent NYE here, playing Cards Against Humanity and watching the annual Twilight Zone marathon.

But for as much as he gripes about the things his family doesn't do, I'm sure my son does just as much griping about all the big toys his friend has that I can't afford! It is just how teenagers are, even the good, mostly grateful ones. The grass is always greener.

She views counseling as embarrassing.

That's what kids have parents for - to make them do the things that need done, even when they're unpleasant or embarrassing. She's dealing with major grief at a time when she's also expected to make big decisions about her future. Counseling can only be a benefit to her (as it would to any kid who has lost a parent!). It is your job to help her see that.

 

[chrissy92972]

To be honest you are depriving your kids. Just because you did not have it doesn't mean your kids shouldn't.

Try saving less for college, let them apply for scholarships, student loans, grant's, etc and use the money to create family memories.

 

[kimblebee]

You taught her that.

Say it louder for the people in the back!!

 

[DeniseJH]

If this is real, I'd say to the OP: Your kid has been through a lot. This would be nice. Let him do it. (As long as you've met the parents and are convinced that your kid would be safe with them.)

 

[bellebud]

OP, you can certainly reciprocate to the family by being nice to their child. Have him over for tent camping in the backyard. Make a fire, roast marshmallows, let them watch a movie on your computer out there. Have pizza and chips. If thats not something the boys would like, you can still have him over and do fun stuff. Invite him a few times for a sleepover, or a whole weekend. It will give the parents a break. We all can do things for each other that don't require money.

 

[disykat]

This thread has been so disheartening since I seem to have such a different philosophy than most people here. I think I'm pretty much the only one who told the OP it's okay not to let his child go. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong by having those feelings. Every parent parents differently, but pretty much every parent has some things they say no to. His children will be just fine if they don't go on fancy vacations. They'll be happy if he can help them have less debt for college.

Reading this thread tells me that most people here would disagree with my priorities. I would have said no to my child with no guilt whatsoever if it didn't feel right to me because I just don't "get" the need for extra people on a family trip. I still maintain there is nothing wrong if OP simply isn't comfortable with it. Sure, if everyone is all for it, but why the "how dare you not let your child go" stuff? The "don't save money for their future, go on fancier vacations" thing absolutely floors me. My adult kids thank me regularly for their lack of student loans. While we had the ability to do both, we most certainly sacrificed some vacations for post high school education funds. It would have been fun for my kids to do Disney every year, but that would have meant no education fund that year resulting in loans now. They enjoyed the years we camped or just visited grandparents as our only vacations. If it had meant we camped for all our vacations, I would have been fine with that. I'm a big proponent of NOT giving my kids everything, but for education I'd sacrifice.

The OP is fortunate enough to be able to save for an education fund. He takes his kids camping. Those are things to celebrate. It absolutely floors me that people seem to think his children will be missing out if they aren't allowed to go on someone else's family's vacation.

I know this is a message board that focuses on an expensive vacation destination, but when, using just one example, someone is talking about how they paid all expenses for another child to come on their trip and they "only" brought $100 spending money. Yikes! Have we really lost perspective that $100 is A LOT of money for most people?

 

[gwynne]

This thread has been so disheartening since I seem to have such a different philosophy than most people here. I think I'm pretty much the only one who told the OP it's okay not to let his child go. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong by having those feelings. Every parent parents differently, but pretty much every parent has some things they say no to. His children will be just fine if they don't go on fancy vacations. They'll be happy if he can help them have less debt for college.

Reading this thread tells me that most people here would disagree with my priorities. I would have said no to my child with no guilt whatsoever if it didn't feel right to me because I just don't "get" the need for extra people on a family trip. I still maintain there is nothing wrong if OP simply isn't comfortable with it. Sure, if everyone is all for it, but why the "how dare you not let your child go" stuff? The "don't save money for their future, go on fancier vacations" thing absolutely floors me. My adult kids thank me regularly for their lack of student loans. While we had the ability to do both, we most certainly sacrificed some vacations for post high school education funds. It would have been fun for my kids to do Disney every year, but that would have meant no education fund that year resulting in loans now. They enjoyed the years we camped or just visited grandparents as our only vacations. If it had meant we camped for all our vacations, I would have been fine with that. I'm a big proponent of NOT giving my kids everything, but for education I'd sacrifice.

The OP is fortunate enough to be able to save for an education fund. He takes his kids camping. Those are things to celebrate. It absolutely floors me that people seem to think his children will be missing out if they aren't allowed to go on someone else's family's vacation.

I know this is a message board that focuses on an expensive vacation destination, but when, using just one example, someone is talking about how they paid all expenses for another child to come on their trip and they "only" brought $100 spending money. Yikes! Have we really lost perspective that $100 is A LOT of money for most people?

I think it is reasonably possible to save $100.00 between now and spring break 2019.
Lots of us have many priorities, and work on all of them at the same time.
FWIW, I think the issues OP has outlined over multiple posts are deeper than just a yes or no to a kind friend's family.

 

[luvbwv]

Not sure if this is real but I will respond I’m case it is.
I am a widow, luckily our kids were out of high school before their dad died.

DH was diagnosed with cancer when our youngest was a baby and fought it off and on until he died. We had medical bills, LOTS of medical bills and DH was off of work a lot so I know about money issues.
DD started dating a guy when she was 14 and dated him all through high school. His parents had lots of money. Their house was 5 times the size of ours, all of her friends had nicer houses, cars etc. she vacationed with her boyfriend’s family. She spent lots of time visiting friends with huge houses. We could have said no to all of this in fear that her friends would make fun of her and our tiny house. We let her enjoy her friends. Her friends spent time at our house as well. No one laughed at her or acted bored because we didn’t have a cool house. They were her friends, they liked her, it did not matter that we were not rich.
If you are only saying no based on your lack of money and not being able to repay them then you are saying no for the wrong reason. You are teaching your kids that they should be ashamed of where they come from. That is not fair to your kids.

 

[disykat]

I think it is reasonably possible to save $100.00 between now and spring break 2019.
Lots of us have many priorities, and work on all of them at the same time.
FWIW, I think the issues OP has outlined over multiple posts are deeper than just a yes or no to a kind friend's family.

I agree with you that a teen could earn $100 before Spring Break. $100 was not deemed enough spending money in the instance I spoke of.

I agree that most have many priorities and work on them at the same time. However, most of us also need to make some sacrifices and don't get everything we want at the same time. it seems odd that so many people here think it's okay to criticize OP's priorities.

I was only discussing the issues I mentioned in my post. It is certainly generous to invite another child on their trip, but I wouldn't describe it as "kind." That word would sort of validate OP's concerns IMO. I think the child was invited as companion not as a kind gesture.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

To be honest you are depriving your kids. Just because you did not have it doesn't mean your kids shouldn't.

Try saving less for college, let them apply for scholarships, student loans, grant's, etc and use the money to create family memories.

My goal is to have them not rely so much on scholarships, loans, or grants. As I said before, I don't want them to depend too much on government programs or education funds from private sources.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

OP, you can certainly reciprocate to the family by being nice to their child. Have him over for tent camping in the backyard. Make a fire, roast marshmallows, let them watch a movie on your computer out there. Have pizza and chips. If thats not something the boys would like, you can still have him over and do fun stuff. Invite him a few times for a sleepover, or a whole weekend. It will give the parents a break. We all can do things for each other that don't require money.

I've said before that I don't like to have my kids' friends over due to past issues with one of my kid's friends. Tent camping in the backyard wouldn't equal their offered gift of a Disney trip.

 

[Southernmiss]

My goal is to have them not rely so much on scholarships, loans, or grants. As I said before, I don't want them to depend too much on government programs or education funds from private sources.

Our three boys have earned above full or full 4 year merit scholarships from their colleges based on ACT scores.

Depriving your kids of these opportunities is flat out crazy and wrong. These are offered to students who earn them, it's not a charitable act.

I would lead my kids again down this route and have a daughter who we are hoping follows suite in 2020.

ETA in state college costs can be well over 20,000 per year at even modest schools.

My kid's alternative plan would have been community college or trade schools. Even our community college offers scholarship based on ACT scores.

 

[DeniseJH]

My goal is to have them not rely so much on scholarships, loans, or grants. As I said before, I don't want them to depend too much on government programs or education funds from private sources.

Well, with the cost of college today it doesn't sound like you (or most people, for that matter) are going to be able to make even a small dent in those costs. It's wonderful that you want to save for that, but be realistic - they're going to still have to find outside sources of some kind.

 

[Colleen27]

My goal is to have them not rely so much on scholarships, loans, or grants. As I said before, I don't want them to depend too much on government programs or education funds from private sources.

Reducing loans is an admirable goal, but I don't quite get why you wouldn't want to rely on scholarships or grants. We're college "shopping" right now for our middle child and if a school or organization looks at her resume and wants to give her money towards her education, I cannot imagine a single reason not to take that. She's looking mainly at schools with massive endowments and meets-full-need policies partly because they give away so much in grant aid that they're likely to cost less in the final balance than sending her to the local public university. Turning it down feels to me as foolhardy as turning down employer-sponsored benefits in favor of paying full price yourself on the individual market.

 

[EveDallas]

If any part of that is true (and I really doubt that it is), nothing anyone says is going to make a difference. The OP seems dead set on playing the "poor, poor me" card.

 

[luvsJack]

My goal is to have them not rely so much on scholarships, loans, or grants. As I said before, I don't want them to depend too much on government programs or education funds from private sources.

You do realize that scholarships are something they earn? Scholarships can be given for GPA, ACT/SAT scores or for service like choir, sports, cheer, or a dozen other things in a school.

Additionally there is work study that can give them some extra money while in school.

And to not use Pell doesn’t make any sense. The money is there for kids who can’t pay for school. It’s not a handout, it’s a hand up.

With her scholarships (that she earned by her ACT score and being in choir) Pell and work study we paid for nothing for Dd to complete her first two years.