Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[Dadof3inNH]

I’ve been hesitant to respond to this, because I don’t want to come across as uncaring. If this person is legit, his situation is heartbreaking. He, as the dad, has every right to decide if his child goes on the trip or not, even if we don’t agree with his decision or reasons.

However, two things keep bugging me.

1. For a single father of three who is working overtime (when he can get it) he has an awful lot of time on his hands to come and repeat his position over and over again on this thread.

2. If I was a real person (which I am) discussing a difficult situation in my life, and people were insinuating that I was a troll, I’d be livid. I would address that from the very start. He has completely avoided that topic.

I hope it’s not a real scenario, because it’s so sad.

I said that I took overtime when it's offered. I'm off for the next four days.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

It's a shame a handout is so anathema, because it sounds as if needs based aid might be just the ticket for all three kids to be able to attend college. It's strange school counselors haven't delved into this with the 16 year old, because this family situation is precisely one that's normally on their radar.

Financial aid and pell grants don't cover everything and I've heard this from nieces and nephews who recent college grads or are currently in college. I also want to put money towards my children's educations just so I can have some relief that I didn't depend too much on the government or the programs. My 16 year old is set on the military.

 

[cabanafrau]

Financial aid and pell grants don't cover everything and I've heard this from nieces and nephews who recent college grads or are currently in college. I also want to money towards my children's educations just so I can have some relief that I didn't depend too much on the government or the programs. My 16 year old is set on the military.

I've been quite clear about what you want from the start of the thread. Absolutely no need for you to explain anything to me.

 

[DisneyFansInNYC]

I didn't get the memo that children sharing bedrooms was a sign of extreme poverty and worthy of despising but then I grew up in NYC where frugality in living space is the norm.

I agree - we are in NYC too and at one point we had 3 of our girls sleeping in one room. We had an extra bedroom but they all wanted to be together. No one ever made fun of them and if they did then they weren't invited back. I wouldn't call someone a friend that makes fun of kids for sharing a bedroom.

 

[amberpi]

I said that I took overtime when it's offered. I'm off for the next four days.

Since the older one(s) can look after the youngest, could you drive for Uber or Lyft to generally start making some more money? Especially if there are any shows/sporting events happening in the next 4 days? Surge pricing is pretty crazy.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

I agree strongly with this statement. The parents should've come to you first. They've denied you the option of declining gracefully, and they've put you in the position of being the bad guy.

People who are piling on this dad for "depriving his child of an experience" are coming on too strong. I absolutely see reasons why I might say no to my child going on a Disney trip with another family. The strongest reason is that these three kids haven't had many traveling experiences, and -- yes -- I would not want to pit my other two kids against this one.

First, I do think therapy is a pretty good idea. You do sound depressed. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

Second -- no -- kids may've made fun of your daughter's room, but friends did not.

No, no. This is a defeatist attitude. You have two years 'til your oldest is out of the house /in the military, and while you might not be able to manage a week at Disney, I'm sure you can provide your kids with a couple long-weekend trips -- probably more than camping, too, since you don't seem to be interested in that.

Look around at what you might do for a low cost. For example, we often rent cabins in state parks; in our area, we can get a 2-3 bedroom cabin on a lake for less than $100/night. Does your bank or credit union offer local theme park tickets for a discounted price? Does your local museum offer a free afternoon once a month? You'd have to be pretty destitute to be unable to afford anything in the way of a small vacation for your kids.

Of course I am in favor of saving for your kids' educations, but if you're really doing THAT badly financially, your kids are going to get enough financial aid to cover a lot of their college educations. Having lost a parent, aren't they getting their mom's Social Security until they turn 18? If you're living that close to the financial edge, don't they qualify for all sorts of financial help?

No, no, that makes no sense. Say you mess up at work today; do you just give up and say you'll never have a good day at work again? Of course not. I don't believe you're unable to take some small trips while your oldest is still at home, and once your oldest is done with basic training /settled in, you can take the younger two to visit the oldest.

Going into the military doesn't necessarily mean she'll be in combat. The military needs every job that exists in the civilian world: She might end up working in Human resources, she might end up working in the commissary, she might end up doing something medical. For what it's worth, if I could go back in time and be 18 again, I'd go into the military. I had no help financially with college, and paying for school was incredibly hard for me. Also, those military benefits that last a lifetime are nice. I don't think the military is an easy life, but what job is easy today?

You say you want to give your kids more. I was a kid in a difficult, disfunctional family. Looking back, I don't resent that they couldn't pay for college -- but I do resent that my parents didn't have time /didn't make time to help me make college choices, didn't provide me with a shred of guidance for college, made it clear that I was not their priority as a teen. I know you say you want to help your kids with college, but I strongly suspect they're feeling like I did. Why? Because to a teen, right now is what matters. I don't mean buying them things; I mean talking to them and spending time with them.

Agree: balance.

We don't qualify for a lot of programs because I make a little too much these days. I still have a house to pay off and a car payment and I'm saving my kids' future as well.

 

[Floridaman999]

Bummer OP. Good luck in the future.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

You know there is a saying "Work to live, don't live to work". You are living to work so you can save. Being careful with money is great but not at the expense of living a life. Now, that life does not have to include expensive travel and certainly not Disney but a local waterpark outing or the movies; enjoying the time and moments with your kids is living.

I hate that your daughters won't have their Mom on their wedding day too but you cannot change that. My niece is getting married soon and she has had some tough times in the planning because she won't have her father here to walk her down the aisle or have a father/daughter dance with. Its tough on anyone when they are missing a parent. But you cannot let that define your children's lives.

I do agree with this statement to a certain extent. I spend time with my kids which is why I'm very frugal to avoid getting a second job.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Since the older one(s) can look after the youngest, could you drive for Uber or Lyft to generally start making some more money? Especially if there are any shows/sporting events happening in the next 4 days? Surge pricing is pretty crazy.

Driving for Uber and Lyft isn't something I would do for variety of reasons. I make it point to spend time with my kids and I live frugally to avoid needing a second job. Also, driving for those companies would add additional wear and tear on my truck, which I plan to have for at least 15 years granted that nothing goes wrong with it.

 

[Sarah'sMomfrom PA]

Financial aid and pell grants don't cover everything and I've heard this from nieces and nephews who recent college grads or are currently in college. I also want to money towards my children's educations just so I can have some relief that I didn't depend too much on the government or the programs. My 16 year old is set on the military.

Ok I am going to bite on this but accepting financial aid and Pell grants that you are entitled to is not accepting charity. You are obviously trying very hard to make ends meet but saving all of whatever money you can to pay for college is not the greatest thing to do. The more money that you have saved, the less the government will give to you. You work and pay taxes so it is obvious that you are not lazy and not trying to scam the system. Loosen up a little and don't be a Debbie downer. Not all kids (even rich ones) need to go to Disney to have fun...maybe you are making an assumption that the rich kid wouldn't want to camp or go fishing and that might be just what that child would love to do. I am not rich by any means but my husband and I work full time and our bills are paid and there is food on our table. My daughter received her doctorate of Pharmacy (in Boston) and trust me, she has the student loans to prove it but she knew going in that we couldn't afford to pay her tuition and the expensive rent in Boston. I was willing to sign for Parent Plus loans but she is paying them back every month along with her own student loans.

I am very sorry for the loss of your beloved wife but you need to put a smile on your face even though it must be difficult and enjoy life with those wonderful children (who by the way have also suffered a great loss). Whether you let your son go or not is irrelevant at this point but please lighten up and accept things that people want to give to you to lift you up. God wants us to do good and you should never be ashamed to accept help and therapy. My daughter is so blessed to have a wonderful career and she is not married and for Christmas, she went to her local Wal Mart and went to the layaway counter and paid off over $750.00 layaways for people who may have never had been able to pay these off. Was she looking for a pat on the back..heck no but she said it made her Christmas so much nicer to be able to give back. She has no idea whose layaways she paid off but told the clerk to call and tell them that the layaway was ready to be picked up and have a wonderful holiday. Please allow people like my daughter to give back to society and smile that she may have made someone's day. Some people just feel blessed for the bounty that God has given them and just want to give back and there is no reason to feel guilty about being the recipient of that blessing. Please get yourself some therapy or see a physician for meds because you seem like you are very depressed (and God knows you have reason to be). Hopefully you will be sprinkled with some good fairy dust which will make all of you feel better.

 

[Southernmiss]

OP, if you are strictly following Dave Ramsey's baby steps, lighten up and live a little.

Your kids are young for the blink of an eye and I'm afraid you're holding them too tight to see them and live.

My father died when I was a senior in high school. Mom was overly protective anyway. It really affected my ability to easily fly and leave the nest. I so wish I would have had the going away to college experience and been given the ability to spread my wings and try more experiences in my late teens and early 20s.

I was always responsible and never carefree.

I've so tried to give my kids the chances to spread their wings and try many new experiences with us and with friends. They are all more well rounded than I was.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Her having to 'resort' to joining the military to travel is honestly rubbing me the wrong way. Many, many people never travel, never see places outside their immediate area. Some don't want to, some can't (or think they can't... as others have pointed out, there are other ways to see other places). Join a church group and go on mission trips, join the Peace Corps, Red Cross or other such organizations. Get a job that requires travel (ones that pop into my head - airline stewardess or working on a cruise ship, teaching English in other countries). The way you've made it sound, it's like martyrdom (definition: a display of feigned or exaggerated suffering to obtain sympathy or admiration). She does not HAVE to join to military to travel. Just google jobs that allow you to travel.

My daughter has researched the military branches on her own. She probably wouldn't want to work as airline stewardess, ESL teacher, or on a cruise ship as she doesn't feel like she would like being a teacher or having to work in airplane serving food or drinks. Part of the reason she wants to join the military is for education benefits and also to possibly learn skills repairing planes.

We attend a Catholic church and the youth group in the parish doesn't do trips and also my oldest daughter has gotten to the point where she doesn't really believe in God because of the bad things that have happened to us. I try to keep my faith that things will get better.

 

[Floridaman999]

Hot points. Hot points everywhere.

 

[Southernmiss]

My daughter has researched the military branches on her own. She probably wouldn't want to work as airline stewardess, ESL teacher, or on a cruise ship as she doesn't feel like she would like being a teacher or having to work in airplane serving food or drinks. Part of the reason she wants to join the military is for education benefits and also to possibly learn skills repairing planes.

We attend a Catholic church and the youth group in the parish doesn't do trips and also my oldest daughter has gotten to the point where she doesn't really believe in God because of the bad things that have happened to us. I try to keep my faith that things will get better.

I bet there are opportunities through neighboring Catholic churches, or the Diocese for her. And there are counseling services, too through many Catholic social services agencies.

 

[ShayBells]

Hot points. Hot points everywhere.

Rules are rules. I’m outta here.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

I bet there are opportunities through neighboring Catholic churches, or the Diocese for her. And there are counseling services, too through many Catholic social services agencies.

She views counseling as embarrassing.

 

[MrsPete]

Travel isn't nearly as expensive as it once was and there's lots of ways to travel on the cheap. There's also lots of great places to visit which aren't expensive.

Financial aid and pell grants don't cover everything and I've heard this from nieces and nephews who recent college grads or are currently in college.

We don't qualify for a lot of programs because I make a little too much these days. I still have a house to pay off and a car payment and I'm saving my kids' future as well.

Have you personally investigated the cost of family vacations, financial aid, college costs, Pell grants, etc. -- or are you assuming they're tremendously expensive because of word-of-mouth conversations? I ask because I think you're deep in depression (no shame -- if I'd lost my husband, I'm sure I'd be there too), and you're assuming that everything good is beyond you, that nothing will ever be possible without serious sacrifice.

Either you can afford a bit of modest travel for your kids now -- in these few years while they're still all at home -- or you qualify for some pretty good financial aid. To claim both negatives doesn't seem true (even in the face of financial responsibilities). I don't think you're doing it purposefully, but I think you're automatically saying, "This is beyond us." "We can't afford that." "We'll always be in this awful position." And then you're making it come true.

As for fear of relying on government programs -- aren't you a taxpayer? Aren't these programs for hardworking people who find themselves in a bad place? Nothing about your posts makes me think you're a lazy layabout! I was a poor kid -- a free lunch kid -- and I had a Pell Grant. It was a lifesaver, and in the 30 years I've been out of college, I've returned that money to the government many, many times through my taxes. A Pell Grant is an investment in children who will become productive citizens. No, I wouldn't count on it paying everything, but you can find LOTS of ways to lower the cost of college -- especially where financial need exists.

Incidentally, I just googled "Scholarships for kids who have lost a parent" and got pages of results. Life took from you -- find a small silver lining in that.

Driving for Uber and Lyft isn't something I would do for variety of reasons. I make it point to spend time with my kids and I live frugally to avoid needing a second job. Also, driving for those companies would add additional wear and tear on my truck, which I plan to have for at least 15 years granted that nothing goes wrong with it.

Okay, this is a good example of what I just said. If you're really hurting financially, a second job is a pretty good idea -- and a person who's being more reasonable wouldn't say, "Oh, no, I could never drive for a second job, so that whole idea is totally impossible." A person who's thinking reasonably would say, "A second job ... hmmm? No, I don't want to drive, but what else would work for me? Is there something in which I could involve the kids? I need to brainstorm." Could you grow tomatoes and sell them at the farmer's market? Family time plus a small extra income. Could you resell items on ebay? As a family, could you do yardwork? Instead of bringing in more money, could you as a family focus on spending less? Learn to coupon together? Learn to can? I don't know the right answer, but something will work!

I'm all about keeping vehicles for a long time, but 15 years for a truck you already own may be stretching things. Again, I think this is an example of your "nothing will ever work out for me" mentality. I do agree with people who say you're probably in depression. Don't let this be how your children remember you when they think back to their childhood. Get help, Friend.

My daughter has researched the military branches on her own. She probably wouldn't want to work as airline stewardess, ESL teacher, or on a cruise ship as she doesn't feel like she would like being a teacher or having to work in airplane serving food or drinks. Part of the reason she wants to join the military is for education benefits and also to possibly learn skills repairing planes.

We attend a Catholic church and the youth group in the parish doesn't do trips and also my oldest daughter has gotten to the point where she doesn't really believe in God because of the bad things that have happened to us. I try to keep my faith that things will get better.

Good work on your daughter's part -- kids who get out there and search for career information tend to be serious about their futures and tend to make good choices. For what it's worth, I think the military is a great option.

I'm horrified that your daughter has fallen away from her faith because of her mother's death. You said your wife died -- yes, that's horrible for you, but worse for a child -- but what other awful things have happened? Is your attitude rubbing off on her? She needs you to be a positive example. She needs you to show her that the world goes on, and you move forward, and you keep living. She needs you.

 

[Southernmiss]

She views counseling as embarrassing.

If she had a chronic, severe female pain and fever that wouldn't go away, would you let her get by with it's embarrassing or would you take her for help?

 

[MrPTato]

I'm out...hope you can get yourself the help that you truly need...I hope only the best for your kids, as well.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Have you personally investigated the cost of family vacations, financial aid, college costs, Pell grants, etc. -- or are you assuming they're tremendously expensive because of word-of-mouth conversations? I ask because I think you're deep in depression (no shame -- if I'd lost my husband, I'm sure I'd be there too), and you're assuming that everything good is beyond you, that nothing will ever be possible without serious sacrifice.

Either you can afford a bit of modest travel for your kids now -- in these few years while they're still all at home -- or you qualify for some pretty good financial aid. To claim both negatives doesn't seem true (even in the face of financial responsibilities). I don't think you're doing it purposefully, but I think you're automatically saying, "This is beyond us." "We can't afford that." "We'll always be in this awful position." And then you're making it come true.

As for fear of relying on government programs -- aren't you a taxpayer? Aren't these programs for hardworking people who find themselves in a bad place? Nothing about your posts makes me think you're a lazy layabout! I was a poor kid -- a free lunch kid -- and I had a Pell Grant. It was a lifesaver, and in the 30 years I've been out of college, I've returned that money to the government many, many times through my taxes. A Pell Grant is an investment in children who will become productive citizens. No, I wouldn't count on it paying everything, but you can find LOTS of ways to lower the cost of college -- especially where financial need exists.

Incidentally, I just googled "Scholarships for kids who have lost a parent" and got pages of results. Life took from you -- find a small silver lining in that.

Okay, this is a good example of what I just said. If you're really hurting financially, a second job is a pretty good idea -- and a person who's being more reasonable wouldn't say, "Oh, no, I could never drive for a second job, so that whole idea is totally impossible." A person who's thinking reasonably would say, "A second job ... hmmm? No, I don't want to drive, but what else would work for me? Is there something in which I could involve the kids? I need to brainstorm." Could you grow tomatoes and sell them at the farmer's market? Family time plus a small extra income. Could you resell items on ebay? As a family, could you do yardwork? Instead of bringing in more money, could you as a family focus on spending less? Learn to coupon together? Learn to can? I don't know the right answer, but something will work!

I'm all about keeping vehicles for a long time, but 15 years for a truck you already own may be stretching things. Again, I think this is an example of your "nothing will ever work out for me" mentality. I do agree with people who say you're probably in depression. Don't let this be how your children remember you when they think back to their childhood. Get help, Friend.

Good work on your daughter's part -- kids who get out there and search for career information tend to be serious about their futures and tend to make good choices. For what it's worth, I think the military is a great option.

I'm horrified that your daughter has fallen away from her faith because of her mother's death. You said your wife died -- yes, that's horrible for you, but worse for a child -- but what other awful things have happened? Is your attitude rubbing off on her? She needs you to be a positive example. She needs you to show her that the world goes on, and you move forward, and you keep living. She needs you.

My wife was disabled due to a stroke and my oldest saw how bad that was for years. I'm doing my best for my kids and it will probably be awhile before things ever get better.