Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[Dadof3inNH]

In reality they are not offering help to you, they are offering a trip for your son to hang out with their son. Which the offer is for their son too, you more than likely would be doing them a solid as at this age kids want to be around their peers.

I would kindly suggest you might just want to take a step back, and look at it for what it really is... An offer to take your kid to Disney with their kid, it's really not more than that.

They said early on that they are offering in part because they know we don't vacation.

 

[mco65]

This is one of my concerns. But, for me it's more about feeling guilty that I wasn't able to take all three kids and my wife(when she was alive) on a very nice vacation.

how guilty will you feel when the kids are grown up and you don't have a ton of 'fun' memories when they were kids?

I have a very good friend who reminds me to take time off and enjoy my kids while they are kids because it doesn't last long. That doesn't mean you have to take them to Disney or allow one of them to go to Disney with a friend. Just cherish the time you have with them as kids because you will wake up tomorrow and they will be grown and moved away.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I didn't say anything about completely depriving my kids of opportunities such as scholarships. I said that I didn't want them to depend too much on financial aid, grants, and scholarships and that's why I'm saving. My younger two don't do extremely well in school. They are mostly B students and I can't see either one doing extremely well on an ACT. I've said that I'm also saving money in case they go to trade school.

Financial aid - which is NOT charity or handouts or whatever - is available for trade schools, too https://money.howstuffworks.com/per.../financial-aid/financial-aid-trade-school.htm

The child has a sister that is a year older.

Doesn't mean the siblings are best buddies. It wouldn't surprise me if the sister is also bringing a friend.

So if there are 4 of them now, then adding another person would take them out of the value resorts... perhaps they intend to stay at a moderate or deluxe resort regardless so adding another child doesn't add much to the tab

or a Family Suite, or a DVC two bedroom...either reservation would mean ZERO additional cost to them for the room.

One of the things that would concern me more would be the fact that one of my children was getting a thrill of a lifetime by visiting Disney and the others were not. Depending on they dynamics in your family, that could become a big issue down the road.

Eh. Reading this reminded me my brother got to go to Paris with the French Club in junior high. It would have been an issue if my parents made it one, sure. But i wasn't in the French Club, and the rest of the kids were way too young, some not even in grade school yet.

 

[mco65]

They said early on that they are offering in part because they know we don't vacation.

eek. That's kind of a guilt trip right there.. But still it comes down to how well you know the family and how your other kids will feel about being 'left out'... if you will... i think that would be the kicker for me... how will this effect my other kids. Will they resent me or my son for going to Disney.. will they even care? And what happens next year when another of your children is asked by a friend to go on a trip and you do know the family and you know them well enough to NOT let your child go.. eesh. that could easily happen. There are more dynamics to this than simply 'don't deprive your child'...

 

[Nancyg56]

This is one of my concerns. But, for me it's more about feeling guilty that I wasn't able to take all three kids and my wife(when she was alive) on a very nice vacation.

You and how many other people? We all want to give our kids wonderful experiences, but if our financial reality is such that we cannot afford expensive trips, we plan something else.

As I shared earlier, my finances were abysmal at times, but we managed. I found discounts for local attractions offered at the library. I bought seasons passes to our local amusement park and took them all for a few hours at a time, we ate either before or after the visit.


I partnered with my sister so together we could reduce the overall expenses, and when her kids cake along I returned the favor. We did day trips, lake afternoons, and matinee movies.

I am not judging your decision in regards to the Disney trip. A parent needs to make hard choices thstvtake into account the entire family and not one member. What I am questioning is your reasoning, which seems to center on your own feelings, wants and needs. As a parent whose spouse died when the children were very young I found I had two choices:
1. Wallow in my own pity party
2. Accept our circumstances and look for ways to ease my children’s situation

I chose to keep living, consider how losing a parent affected my children, and then try to find alternative ways to make life not just bearable, but enjoyable for them.

As adults they often share with me their feelings as kids and how my parenting decisions affected them. I admit I do not score a perfect A+, but I figure that a B is okay given that no kid has a perfect life.

I am not at all sure why you posted here, however your posts have drawn people to share difficult memories in order to help you and your family. I would encourage you to at least consider that while you say you have your family’s best interest in mind, you may be hiding behind your financial situation in order to stay in a safe zone. If so, all your good intentions may backfire when you need those children to understand a difficult decision the most.

 

[emer95]

Ok, I thought I was out too, however...

OP, you need to stop feeling guilty about not taking your kids on vacation. My parents never took my 3 siblings and I on vacation- not once! Not even camping. They worked opposite schedules and alternated their vacation time so that one of them was always at home with us. They couldn’t afford child care, so that’s how they made it work. They took us to a Six Flags once, and we thought it was the experience of a lifetime. We lived in a tiny house and each kid shared a bedroom. Guess how much money they gave us for college? Zero dollars. My parents loved us and provided for our needs, and they don’t have a bit of guilt about our childhood. We lived in an affluent area, where our classmates were far more privileged than we were. Did I have jealousy about some of their vacations/gifts/clothes? Yep! But I survived and persevered. I’m so grateful to my parents for the wonderful, loving upbringing they gave me. Your kids will be too. Especially considering all you’ve been through. They’ll appreciate you in an even deeper way.

Also, my brother got to go to Canada with a friend for a trip to Canada’s Wonderland. I was incredibly jealous, but I didn’t resent my parents for allowing him to go. It gave me hope that if I got invited to go somewhere, they’d say yes. And it happened! Senior year my friend and her family invited me to go camping at Cedar Point in Ohio. I had the best time. So glad my parents said yes.

If you say no to your son this time, you’ve pretty much set the precedent that you’ll have to say no to the other kids if they get an opportunity to go somewhere with a friend.

 

[Southernmiss]

Life can not be lived on guilt, what ifs, it's not fair, 'if I can't no one can'.

That kind of constant thinking is so unhealthy, contagious and detrimental a family's well being.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Financial aid - which is NOT charity or handouts or whatever - is available for trade schools, too https://money.howstuffworks.com/per.../financial-aid/financial-aid-trade-school.htm

Doesn't mean the siblings are best buddies. It wouldn't surprise me if the sister is also bringing a friend.


or a Family Suite, or a DVC two bedroom...either reservation would mean ZERO additional cost to them for the room.

Eh. Reading this reminded me my brother got to go to Paris with the French Club in junior high. It would have been an issue if my parents made it one, sure. But i wasn't in the French Club, and the rest of the kids were way too young, some not even in grade school yet.

You may not view financial aid as a handout or charity, but to a large extent I do. I had to take government assistance when my wife had a stroke and later on when she had cancer and ended up dying. It was embarrassing and humiliating. I'm doing better income wise these days because of a promotion and raise. The shame and embarrassment having to apply for assistance still haunts me and I don't like burdening others when it comes to money.

 

[mco65]

or a Family Suite, or a DVC two bedroom...either reservation would mean ZERO additional cost to them for the room.

Eh. Reading this reminded me my brother got to go to Paris with the French Club in junior high. It would have been an issue if my parents made it one, sure. But i wasn't in the French Club, and the rest of the kids were way too young, some not even in grade school yet.

We are staying at the All Star Music Family Suite in a month (5 of us). We usually stay at a mod but my wife and daughter are getting to a point where 2 bathrooms are almost a necessity. If they are DVC members and are staying in a 2 bedroom, an extra kid adds zero to the room cost... just the tix and the food.. the food? Geez, if i didn't have to feed these kids we could go to Disney 3 times a year and in fact we did that when they were younger and didnt' eat as much!

Kids are different... some kids could care less what the other kids are getting and some could be very jealous. My sons could care less but my daughter would expect reciprocation in kind if one her brothers got a special trip and she was left out...

 

[Southernmiss]

This vacation may not even be on site. It could be a budget vacation for the inviting family. The other family might be Disers from the budget board who have scrimped and saved to allow their kids the joy of inviting a friend to share in the magic with them.

Gifts are usually freely given without expectations.

Denying a gift can be denying someone else the opportunity to be a blessing to others.

 

[Southernmiss]

You may not view financial aid as a handout or charity, but to a large extent I do. I had to take government assistance when my wife had a stroke and later on when she had cancer and ended up dying. It was embarrassing and humiliating. I'm doing better income wise these days because of a promotion and raise. The shame and embarrassment having to apply for assistance still haunts me and I don't like burdening others when it comes to money.

And that is why you pay taxes. A society has a responsibility to help people who need a little help through a tough time. You are not living for years and generations with assistance.

I cried when after child #4 we qualified for children's health insurance through our state. Dh and I were both professionally employed and had consistently been all our working years, but our low pay allowed us to qualify.

It was temporary. Dh got his Master's degree, a pay raise, etc. And we moved off it as soon as we could and now look back gratefully that we could use that $ to help dh get his education and move on.

 

[gwynne]

You may not view financial aid as a handout or charity, but to a large extent I do. I had to take government assistance when my wife had a stroke and later on when she had cancer and ended up dying. It was embarrassing and humiliating. I'm doing better income wise these days because of a promotion and raise. The shame and embarrassment having to apply for assistance still haunts me and I don't like burdening others when it comes to money.

Why do you think assistance was available? To embarrass you? To shame you? Let me be clear here. It wasn't about you.
The assistance was given to help your wife obtain care. IMO that was a blessing. Kindness was given in your need, and hopefully you remember that with appreciation.

 

[ronandannette]

This vacation may not even be on site. It could be a budget vacation for the inviting family. The other family might be Disers from the budget board who have scrimped and saved to allow their kids the joy of inviting a friend to share in the magic with them.

Gifts are usually freely given without expectations.

Denying a gift can be denying someone else the opportunity to be a blessing to others.

Even on a bogus thread like this one, I heartily agree with this post!!

 

[kaytieeldr]

Regardless of whether or not you send your son on this trip (totally your call, and I understand what a frustrating position you are in), I really really hope you will consider counseling of some kind for you and for your children if they are also experiencing these feelings of hopelessness and grief.

I upvoted this post, but it needs emphasis.

They said early on that they are offering in part because they know we don't vacation.

Nothing about affordability. Just "...you don't vacation". It annoys me when nouns are used as verbs, but it's appropriate here. Like, "you don't swear." Not whether you can or can't, simply whether you do or not.

And what happens next year when another of your children is asked by a friend to go on a trip and you do know the family and you know them well enough to NOT let your child go..

You explain that in an age-appropriate manner.

You may not view financial aid as a handout or charity, but to a large extent I do. I had to take government assistance when my wife had a stroke and later on when she had cancer and ended up dying. It was embarrassing and humiliating.

Financial aid is NOT NOT NOT charity or a handout. It is earned.

You, personally, need counseling. Talk to your priest. No charge.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

We are staying at the All Star Music Family Suite in a month (5 of us). We usually stay at a mod but my wife and daughter are getting to a point where 2 bathrooms are almost a necessity. If they are DVC members and are staying in a 2 bedroom, an extra kid adds zero to the room cost... just the tix and the food.. the food? Geez, if i didn't have to feed these kids we could go to Disney 3 times a year and in fact we did that when they were younger and didnt' eat as much!

Kids are different... some kids could care less what the other kids are getting and some could be very jealous. My sons could care less but my daughter would expect reciprocation in kind if one her brothers got a special trip and she was left out...

My oldest daughter would probably be envious as she has expressed feelings of missing out on things. My youngest occasionally gets excited when Disney commercials come on TV and has asked if we could ever go.

 

[mco65]

My oldest daughter would probably be envious as she has expressed feelings of missing out on things. My youngest occasionally gets excited when Disney commercials come on TV and has asked if we could ever go.

Thats tough.. how do you explain to your daughter that your son simply has better friends? it would be different if you took your kids to Disney or at least knew you would in the near future but if your sure you will never get to take them as a family, man thats tough. But, that's what being a parent entails.. tough choices... and in the end, that's what it is.. a choice that only you can make and no matter what you choose, there will be good and bad consequences.

 

[Hrhpd]

I'm not a previous poster.

says every sock puppet. People in NH don't cite the ACT as the test for their children, that is mostly a midwest thing. SATs are the test talked about.

You still haven't said what you want out of this thread? People have made some wonderful suggestions to make memories with your children that do not include an expensive vacation. They have made suggestions how to help your children achieve higher education. They have made wonderful suggestions on how to help your children have friends at home.

Nothing is good enough for you. You have an excuse why every single suggestion won't work for you. If you can't have the most expensive, the best, the biggest, then your children are going to have nothing. Since none of the advice is good enough for you, what do you want from the DIS?

IF this is real, although I am firmly convinced this is a particular sock puppet, send your child or don't send him. That is a very personal decision that only you can make and as you can see here, everyone has their own comfort level with sending children with friends.

But make the decision for the right reasons, not reasons that are all about you and how it makes you feel. That is selfish, be selfless. Sometimes being a parent is not taking the easy way out and you are taking the easy way out of life right now. You won't even let your children have friends because it is all about you. You have pre-judged everyone in your orbit believing that they will embarrass you or be embarrassed by you. You won't even give people a chance.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed about and is to be expected with the tragedy you have experienced. They only thing that should embarrass you is that you won't get help for you or your family.

 

[ShayBells]

Get rid of cable and that bill alone could be saved to earn you and your whole family a trip to Disney or wherever you want to go. There problem solved.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

When I was 11, I had a friend that was an only child. Her parents used to invite me along when they did something fun.

I saw Star Wars with them. I went to Hershey Park with them, staying in a hotel. I went on numerous weekend trips, albeit none to Disney.

My parents certainly couldn't have afforded to do all that they did with me. And every time we did it, my sister missed out.

But, my parents never said no. Not unless there was some compelling reason to say no. They let me run off and have fun. If they felt guilty, they swallowed it. If they felt shame, they never showed it.

And I had a grand time. And great experiences. I'm so grateful that my parents allowed me those experiences. They didn't hold me back, simply because my sister couldn't go too. Or because they didn't want to accept that they couldn't pay for it.

Sorry, this is blunt, but get over yourself. Allow your son to experience life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I'm a single father of three kids and my middle child who is 13 got invited on a trip with friends. I'm undecided on whether to let him go as I don't want to accept such an extravagant gift from non-relatives that we can't pay back in any equal way. My wife passed away two years ago and it's been hard and I don't like taking help all the time unless for necessities. This past year I've done well financially as I've had a raise and a promotion. But, I can't afford to take my kids on trips and when my wife was alive we couldn't afford it as she was disabled due to a stroke that she suffered after our youngest was born. Growing up myself my family never did any trips and the first time I ever rode in plane was when I was 35 and that was the only time since then.

I've looked at Disney hotel sites and various blogs and see that Disney parks are very expensive and I'm now hesitant to allow my son to go. Like I said before, we can't pay this family back in any way. I feel like a failure that I can't give my kids extra. I'm looking for any advice on how I can pay the family back in some way or if my son can work for the trip. But, I also might not allow my son to go because it's too expensive for another family to pay for him. I'm very torn on this.

They do not need payback so take that off the table. That is your excuse to say no. They are not asking you for money, correct?

13, Disney with a friend. How fun.

As long as you trust your child of course. That is the key thing. Is kid mature enough?

And you can't be "fair" with every kid. Fairness comes at odd times. Another child might get a different opportunity and then you say NO to "be fair".

Anyway it sets off a whole sibling rivalry thing on down the road.

Meet the parents for a lunch with the kids or something. Time to widen your sphere of influence.

GL on your decision.