Parents of College Kids (Even If They Are Out of College)

[Christine]

At this age, she's trying to do things on her own and be her own person. yeah, it's kind of tough on us as parents, but really, it's a good thing that she's spreading her wings towards independence. She's not going to always agree with you and do things the way you want her to. She's becoming stronger. If it was me, and my college age kid didn't want to do the thing that I had paid for her to do, I would just ask to be reimbursed. Who cares if it doesn't bother her to give you the money. She'll get it eventually, or she won't. But it should be her decision. It's not necessary to have a "battle of the wills".
She's trying to become an adult, it's ok to start treating her like one.

I get what you are saying and I don't want to come off sounding like I am disagreeing and arguing because I'm not. But I know things don't come off well on a board and I tend to let things fly off the keyboard.

So...in tangent with what you've said: I want nothing MORE then for her to do things on her own and be her own person. The problem is: she won't. This particular activity is something that she certainly could have and should have planned weeks back to do it in such a way that she wanted. She did not do that and she refused to talk about it. This thing had to be done and she "didn't want to deal with it." I was sent information on this activity from the parents club at the school who was also hosting the activity in their fashion/manner for a fee. I said "Do you want to do it this way?" She said "yeah, that's fine." We have talked about it several times because there was a point that we could have gotten a refund on it. So, essentially, all the way through this she took no responsibility, was happy to have me do it and pay for it, and agreed with me. Until the day before the activity when someone approached her to include her in their plans. This "someone" is her supposed best friend and they talk everyday. They just never got around to discussing this.

Honestly, if I thought that taking the money from her would make her think, I'd do it. I don't want the money. What I want is for her to take some responsibility.

On top of this thing, she has managed to lose her dorm keys ($75 charged to her student account), and couldn't find the time to get to her counselor to get registered for next semester. So she had to do late registration and didn't get a few classes she needed. I kept my mouth shut about both of those things. I guess this was the proverbial last straw.

So coming from my view, do you still think it's just a matter of spreading her wings?

 

[NotUrsula]

When I was in college a good friend of mine screwed up on his schoolwork and ended up getting tossed out of school for a semester freshman year. His dad made sure that he got a rather unpleasant job. Six month of selling shoes (and the smelly feet that went with that) cured him of the tendency to blow off classwork.

The answer, unpalatable though it may be, is let her sink. If she manages to dog-paddle back, then she can try again, otherwise she can take her chances with the working world of the high-school graduate.

 

[Christine]

When I was in college a good friend of mine screwed up on his schoolwork and ended up getting tossed out of school for a semester freshman year. His dad made sure that he got a rather unpleasant job. Six month of selling shoes (and the smelly feet that went with that) cured him of the tendency to blow off classwork.

The answer, unpalatable though it may be, is let her sink. If she manages to dog-paddle back, then she can try again, otherwise she can take her chances with the working world of the high-school graduate.

I am at that point today. The positive aspect that keeps things going is that she DOES go to her classes, she does all her work, and for her (not the greatest student in high school) she's doing okay with her grades. It is everything else that she, in my opinion, is sort of being cavalier about. When she lost her keys I really tried to stay out of it and did. But I kept asking if she had reported them lost. She waited one month to do so.

 

[bimshire]

At her school, work-study is only available on a need basis and we don't qualify for need. Also, when I filled out the FAFSA, we were only eligible for student loans in my name and none in hers so she can't even access any money if I stop paying for her school. Not at least until she is no longer my dependent and she files her own FAFSA, but that probably won't work for her until she's been on her own for a year.QUOTE]

After the FAFSA is completed and regardless of the EFC, a student qualifies for a $2,000 unsubsidized Stafford loan (each of the 4 years in college) which does not require a co-sign by the parent. The student borrower is the only person responsible for paying it back.
















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[Christine]

At her school, work-study is only available on a need basis and we don't qualify for need. Also, when I filled out the FAFSA, we were only eligible for student loans in my name and none in hers so she can't even access any money if I stop paying for her school. Not at least until she is no longer my dependent and she files her own FAFSA, but that probably won't work for her until she's been on her own for a year.QUOTE]

After the FAFSA is completed and regardless of the EFC, a student qualifies for a $2,000 unsubsidized Stafford loan (each of the 4 years in college) which does not require a co-sign by the parent. The student borrower is the only person responsible for paying it back.

I wonder why there was nothing on the form in her name? There were two loans on my form (a Parent Plus and something called UNSUB). Was that the Stafford Loan?

 

[My sister's princess]

Yes the unsub is the stafford loan. And even once she is on her own for a year she isn't able to file the fafsa as independent. I wasn't going to go there lol but you asked. I work in the Financial Aid office She should have had to either sign on paper or esign for that loan. Many parents esign for their children on accident while doing the parent plus paperwork, or because the child doesn't do their own paper work.

 

[LindaR]

Christine, maybe she needs someone to talk to. The more you say, the more it sounds like she is not adjusting as fast/easily as some others do. Are there things going on with her that would cause her to "take it out" on you? As moms, you know we are the recipients of their stresses!

I raised my daughter by myself for 19 of her almost 21 years. We are/have always been closer than close and as a direct result of the way I was raised, I chose to raise her much differently.

So I was really surprised that my independent, intelligent, tough daughter had an awful first semester in college! It took LOTS of digging, talking, crying, yelling, etc to get to the REAL problems. Once we figured out what was REALLY going on, we could figure out a gameplan.

And my wonderful, funny, loving daughter returned........she is now a junior.

 

[Acklander]

Honestly, if I thought that taking the money from her would make her think, I'd do it. I don't want the money. What I want is for her to take some responsibility.

On top of this thing, she has managed to lose her dorm keys ($75 charged to her student account), and couldn't find the time to get to her counselor to get registered for next semester. So she had to do late registration and didn't get a few classes she needed. I kept my mouth shut about both of those things. I guess this was the proverbial last straw.

So coming from my view, do you still think it's just a matter of spreading her wings?

sure it's part of spreading her wings. and making mistakes is part of it, now your job is to make her pay for the mistakes - that's her part of taking responsibility. Have her reimburse you for the $150.00; have her reimburse you for the lost key, and have her reimburse you for the late registration. You say you don't want the money, but want her to take responsibility - that's how she takes responsibility - by paying for her actions. You don't have to harp on her for making wrong choices - you may not realize it, but she WILL come to that conclusion eventually. You're just letting her deal with the fall out from the choices she made. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Sparx]

At her school, work-study is only available on a need basis and we don't qualify for need. Also, when I filled out the FAFSA, we were only eligible for student loans in my name and none in hers so she can't even access any money if I stop paying for her school. Not at least until she is no longer my dependent and she files her own FAFSA, but that probably won't work for her until she's been on her own for a year.QUOTE]

After the FAFSA is completed and regardless of the EFC, a student qualifies for a $2,000 unsubsidized Stafford loan (each of the 4 years in college) which does not require a co-sign by the parent. The student borrower is the only person responsible for paying it back.

I wonder why there was nothing on the form in her name? There were two loans on my form (a Parent Plus and something called UNSUB). Was that the Stafford Loan?

i think the UNSUB was the stafford loan.

she needs to apply for scholarships via her school. they're not always need-based.

 

[Christine]

Christine, maybe she needs someone to talk to. The more you say, the more it sounds like she is not adjusting as fast/easily as some others do. Are there things going on with her that would cause her to "take it out" on you? As moms, you know we are the recipients of their stresses!

It's possible and whenever I see her we talk about what is going on. To be honest, she sounds so happy there, she's made a ton of friends, gets along well, and just overall loves it. I just haven't detected one negative thing. I've just noticed that she thinks she knows it all now. My coworkers who have older kids have all warned me of this to some extent. Told me that I will have to "deprogram" her on breaks and summers because they get so full of themselves. So, I expect that. What I don't care for is the temper tantrum and the absolute disregard for the expenses. She acts like she is some princess and that we must all bow to her wishes no matter what.

 

[Christine]

Yes the unsub is the stafford loan. And even once she is on her own for a year she isn't able to file the fafsa as independent. I wasn't going to go there lol but you asked. I work in the Financial Aid office She should have had to either sign on paper or esign for that loan. Many parents esign for their children on accident while doing the parent plus paperwork, or because the child doesn't do their own paper work.

Hey no problem.

I didn't realize that one loan came solely to her but here was my rationale on loans at the time. Right or wrong.

My DD was not a good student in high school. She is not a scholar. It is quite possible she may not even be college material. It is by the grace of a very good friend of mine that she is in the school she is in. She was not accepted to one college in our state. I was am not one to take on any debt and the thought of saddling my kid with college debt without a forseeable outcome to the stint in college made me very nervous. I was concerned about her borrowing money (and I didn't even think she could) and having to face that with the prospects of a low paying job. I would only get the debt as a last resort if I had to and I most likely wil have to face that when DS enters college in three years. I won't be able to pay for both. So, yeah, I had sort of made of my mind about the loans and decided to pay while I could.

 

[NMAmy]

I want nothing MORE then for her to do things on her own and be her own person. The problem is: she won't. This particular activity is something that she certainly could have and should have planned weeks back to do it in such a way that she wanted. She did not do that and she refused to talk about it. This thing had to be done and she "didn't want to deal with it." I was sent information on this activity from the parents club at the school who was also hosting the activity in their fashion/manner for a fee. I said "Do you want to do it this way?" She said "yeah, that's fine." We have talked about it several times because there was a point that we could have gotten a refund on it. So, essentially, all the way through this she took no responsibility, was happy to have me do it and pay for it, and agreed with me.

I think this was kind of the problem, Christine. If she won't take the responsibility for an activity, then let her miss it. Don't sign her up, don't pay for it unless she's taken all the responsibility for setting everything up and checked to make sure you're willing to fund it.

DD's in her first semester at college, too. It's a time of change for both of us, I think. In our case, she doesn't act like she knows it all but we have a few times when I have to push her to do what she needs to do. I refuse to do it for her. I tell her that she's an adult now, I'm happy to advise and I may not tell her what she wants to hear, but she's making the decisions. So far, she's done well but if she makes a mistake, then it's her job to fix it or live with it.

This is sort of a test run for real independence with the safety net of Mom in case of emergency.

I know it's hard.

 

[My sister's princess]

If you go to this website http://www.nslds.ed.gov and use the pin that was used to fill out her FAFSA, you can see exactly what kind of loans she has taken out. This however will not list private loans if you had to take any of those out. (private loans being SallieMae smartoption ect...) Also your daughter should take a look at fastweb.com it is a great scholarship search engine, and might have some that she is eligible for.

 

[Christine]

I think this was kind of the problem, Christine. If she won't take the responsibility for an activity, then let her miss it. Don't sign her up, don't pay for it unless she's taken all the responsibility for setting everything up and checked to make sure you're willing to fund it.

DD's in her first semester at college, too. It's a time of change for both of us, I think. In our case, she doesn't act like she knows it all but we have a few times when I have to push her to do what she needs to do. I refuse to do it for her. I tell her that she's an adult now, I'm happy to advise and I may not tell her what she wants to hear, but she's making the decisions. So far, she's done well but if she makes a mistake, then it's her job to fix it or live with it.

This is sort of a test run for real independence with the safety net of Mom in case of emergency.

I know it's hard.

Thanks. I know I didn't explain the details of the "activity" because I didn't really want to give out too much info. But this is an activity that she had to do in some form or another. If she could not make the plan on her own (which she didn't), the fallback was the plan that I had to organize with her. If she did not even do this thing, then it would actually end up being the parent's responsibility. So had I not led her along with this, she would never have gotten signed up and I would have had to become involved. I was not able to do so, so I had to ensure she was signed up so it didn't become my problem.

 

[Christine]

i think the UNSUB was the stafford loan.

she needs to apply for scholarships via her school. they're not always need-based.

Sparx,

Her high school GPA was too low to qualify for anything. She didn't meet the requirements for most of what we looked at.

 

[NMAmy]

Thanks. I know I didn't explain the details of the "activity" because I didn't really want to give out too much info. But this is an activity that she had to do in some form or another. If she could not make the plan on her own (which she didn't), the fallback was the plan that I had to organize with her. If she did not even do this thing, then it would actually end up being the parent's responsibility. So had I not led he along with this, she would never have gotten signed up and I would have had to become involved. I was not able to do so so I had to ensure she was signed out so it didn't become my problem.

Thanks for clarifying--I understand a little better now. I'm out of ideas then. Maybe make her sit in the naughty chair? It was so much easier when they were little, wasn't it?

 

[Christine]

Thanks for clarifying--I understand a little better now. I'm out of ideas then. Maybe make her sit in the naughty chair? It was so much easier when they were little, wasn't it?

Goodness, I just read my post and sheesh, the errors in it. That's what I get for multitasking.

I know I am being cryptic about what the activity is and it's really kind of a nothing thing. I know it stinks to give advice when you don't know the whole story.

She is in quite a snit about it and I don't know how I'll handle it when she gets home next week. Maybe it'll just blow over. She's already texted me about how the way she has to do things now is just BS and is awful for her (trust me, it's not) and that she hopes I'm happy!!! Just know, last weekend when she was home, we had a lengthy discussion about this event and what she was going to do after it was over and she was just as happy as can be. She just wants her way, wants to be with her friend, and doesn't care what the fallout is.

 

[sue1013]

Make her pay you for the activity and for the lost dorm key. That is making her take responsibility for her actions. You need to let her know that she is responsible for the decisions she makes don't bail her out you're not helping her. I know this is easier said than done but for her to be a responsible adult that needs to happen and that is the goal. I've been there with both of my kids sometimes we need to step back and let them fall.

 

[Christine]

Make her pay you for the activity and for the lost dorm key. That is making her take responsibility for her actions. You need to let her know that she is responsible for the decisions she makes don't bail her out you're not helping her. I know this is easier said than done but for her to be a responsible adult that needs to happen and that is the goal. I've been there with both of my kids sometimes we need to step back and let them fall.

She did pay for the dorm keys already but it really didn't bother her. She was all "whatever" about it. I already know to make her pay, it's just why doesn't it seem to work or make her think the next time? This really isn't the first time she's disregarded a commitment or a money issue. I do all the things the mom textbook says. They just don't seem to change her ways.

 

[nskjerven]

Why don't you let your adult child not make the plans and fail and then learn that your help and money is a gift rather than an entitlement?