Parents of College Kids (Even If They Are Out of College)

[Christine]

I have a question for all you parents who either have kids in college know or have dealt with it in the past.

In the beginning, did you have any issues with attitude from your child (I really hate using "child" in this context but what else?). I don't want to get into details at this point; however, it mainly has to do with them acting too big for their britches, thinking they are totally on their own, and somewhat disrespectful of me if they can't do what they want? Historically, I have not had these types of issues with DD and there have been "things" lately that are really starting to get to me. One major incident today. It's really just becoming a battle of wills. I'm at a point where I'm about ready to pull it out from under her. Not sure what to do. Any experiences?

 

[Darcy03231]

I have children in college and children still in high school (a senior and a sophomore). When they start to get "too big for their britches" I pull the rug out. If you want to give me the I'm an adult and can do what I want speech, then its time for you to pay your own way. Find a new place to live, hand over the car keys and cell phones. Once I tell them that the 'tude changes pretty quickly.

 

[My sister's princess]

My mum did that the summer I spent at home between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college, I never went back. It may be an issue of time to move on, not that the child is too big for their britches. I don't know how old your daughter is, but is it possible it is time for her to spread her wings and make a go of it on her own? (DISCLAIMER: I paid my own cellphone bill, for my own car, gas and insurance, pretty much everything long before college)

 

[Christine]

My mum did that the summer I spent at home between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college, I never went back. It may be an issue of time to move on, not that the child is too big for their britches. I don't know how old your daughter is, but is it possible it is time for her to spread her wings and make a go of it on her own? (DISCLAIMER: I paid my own cellphone bill, for my own car, gas and insurance, pretty much everything long before college)

She is 18 right now and is in her first semester of college. I pay her college costs and cell phone. She has no money except what she saved from her job for her weekly expenses. It averages out to $25 per week. She has no intent on getting a job and I haven't required it until she gets her bearings at school and she determines if she can handle the workload along with a job. She lives about 4 hours from home.

What has happened today is actually not that big of a deal, it is just her attitude. She is supposed to be doing something that I paid for her to do tomorrow. She found another way to do it that is "more fun" and wants to ditch the paid thing to do it this way. I told her no, she better do what we paid for, and she had a major, major meltdown. Believe me--this is such a STUPID thing. I'm just sick of the immaturity, the lack of planning on her part, and the attitude that it's okay to waste $150. I didn't raise her that way. Oh, and she really has no means to pay me back if she does skip it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If she has money saved up, tell her to pay you back from the money from her job. That would be my "rug".

 

[My sister's princess]

In that case I say pull the cell phone for a few months to pay for what she missed. Most students can work 2-10 hours a week no problem, and many campuses offer work study programs that allow them to do this between classes, and study while they work. That would more than cover a cell phone bill if she wanted it back. I wish I had someone to help me cover the costs of school, and the extra things like that. She is lucky to have you as a mom

 

[Christine]

If she has money saved up, tell her to pay you back from the money from her job. That would be my "rug".

Well, you see, she doesn't care about that money or if it goes. She really doesn't care.

What I am upset about is that I have told her about this thing for weeks. She could have planned to do what she wants to do, all along, and I would have never paid the money for this. But no, she cannot plan a thing or think 5 minutes out of real time. This *has* always been an issue. No planning on her part and she often suffers repercussions. She still doesn't learn. All along she has agreed to do the $150 thing even though there were options to do it for free if one PLANS it. She didn't. Didn't even concern herself with it. Now something came up and she wants to ditch the plan. This is what irritates me. She just has no regard for what is set in place. This was $150. She really does not care if I take it from her account. She has enough money to get her through the semester. The point for me is that, we are all tight on funds. I don't think it's okay to just waste money on a whim like that. I have told her that if she doesn't do the "thing" as planned, that I've had it, and she is cut off. She then hung up on me. So, tomorrow we'll see what her decision is. But I'm so angry...

 

[Christine]

In that case I say pull the cell phone for a few months to pay for what she missed. Most students can work 2-10 hours a week no problem, and many campuses offer work study programs that allow them to do this between classes, and study while they work. That would more than cover a cell phone bill if she wanted it back. I wish I had someone to help me cover the costs of school, and the extra things like that. She is lucky to have you as a mom

I will cut the cell if I have to. Sadly, it won't save me anything because I'm in a contract and will have to continue to pay for her line.

At her school, work-study is only available on a need basis and we don't qualify for need. Also, when I filled out the FAFSA, we were only eligible for student loans in my name and none in hers so she can't even access any money if I stop paying for her school. Not at least until she is no longer my dependent and she files her own FAFSA, but that probably won't work for her until she's been on her own for a year.

I am very fortunate to have a decent income and I have been able to "pay as you go" on the college tuition. But I am not rich by any means and the payment has been rough on the finances. That is why I am so angry and just dismissing the $150. But I don't really want the money back. I want her to "suffer" through on this thing and hopefully she will think out her next situation a little better.

 

[Christine]

On to another example of the "attitude".

Last weekend we got into a discussion about off-campus housing for her sophmore year. The places are already starting to take leases. I asked her if she's given it any thought. She said that she would probably be renting a house with four other people. She then tells me that it's cheaper than the dorm. I told her that my cousin's son rents in this same town, that his mother investigated all the rentals, and it looks to be about $500 per month. She said "No way, I've looked around and it is about $300 per month. Then you split that $300 between the 5 people." Yes, that's what I did in the car. Laughed my butt off. I told her "No, honey, it is $300 per person." We went back and forth, she is just sure she's right. She finally started yelling at me "You don't know. Have YOU talked to these people? No you haven't. *I* have talked these people and you don't know what you're talking about."

This kid has never acted like this before. So I'm really looking forward to that $60 a month rent payment. It really is cheap. She has not a CLUE. I'm just getting tired of the attitude.

As I said, there's nothing BIG going on, but it's just irritating the crap out of me.

 

[Rose&Mike]

Christine--I don't think this is a winnable situation. It sounds like she's going to do what she wants, cause she's not getting "it" yet. I think I'd take the cell phone and put it in a drawer, even for the Thanksgiving break and maybe she'll learn to be a little more respectful of your money. 18 is such an in between age. Money stuff drives me a little crazy, too.

 

[LindaR]

Have you given any thought that maybe she is "acting out" because she is trying to adjust to being an "adult" and being away from home and being a college student and having "freedom" and that there are ALOT of pressures that she is facing and maybe, just maybe she has not adjusted yet?

This is kinda like the terrible twos. They want to do things by themselves but yet still need you.

You also need to realize that she IS an adult. Think about this. Would you ever talk to one of your friends the same way you talk to her? No. If they make a decision that you don't agree with/like, you have to accept it. Not demand. Not threaten.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to respect that she is an adult and that you don't/should not control her. This is as much a learning experience for YOU as it is for her.

 

[Tiggeroo]

It is a difficult time. I have three college kids. One of them has moved out so he can spend time on his, ahem, professional music career. He is only going to school very part time now. He is on our family cell phone plan and has not paid me the money for the bill for three months, since he left. I am sorry if he can't afford it. He wanted this move and should work a second job if he needs to. I am going to call the cell phone company today to see if they can shut the phone off for a week or two to shake him up and see if he gets my point. If not it will be off and I will eat the cost I guess. But he was being a butt like your dd before he left about stupid stuff. It's part of trying to prove they are adults. I also think it's to make us feel a little less bad about the empty nest.

 

[My sister's princess]

On to another example of the "attitude".

Last weekend we got into a discussion about off-campus housing for her sophmore year. The places are already starting to take leases. I asked her if she's given it any thought. She said that she would probably be renting a house with four other people. She then tells me that it's cheaper than the dorm. I told her that my cousin's son rents in this same town, that his mother investigated all the rentals, and it looks to be about $500 per month. She said "No way, I've looked around and it is about $300 per month. Then you split that $300 between the 5 people." Yes, that's what I did in the car. Laughed my butt off. I told her "No, honey, it is $300 per person." We went back and forth, she is just sure she's right. She finally started yelling at me "You don't know. Have YOU talked to these people? No you haven't. *I* have talked these people and you don't know what you're talking about."

This kid has never acted like this before. So I'm really looking forward to that $60 a month rent payment. It really is cheap. She has not a CLUE. I'm just getting tired of the attitude.

As I said, there's nothing BIG going on, but it's just irritating the crap out of me.

I gotsta get me one of them apartments!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Christine]

Have you given any thought that maybe she is "acting out" because she is trying to adjust to being an "adult" and being away from home and being a college student and having "freedom" and that there are ALOT of pressures that she is facing and maybe, just maybe she has not adjusted yet?

This is kinda like the terrible twos. They want to do things by themselves but yet still need you.

You also need to realize that she IS an adult. Think about this. Would you ever talk to one of your friends the same way you talk to her? No. If they make a decision that you don't agree with/like, you have to accept it. Not demand. Not threaten.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to respect that she is an adult and that you don't/should not control her. This is as much a learning experience for YOU as it is for her.

Linda,

Actually I do realize that this new attitude probably does stem from the sudden and exhilirating freedom she has. I do realize she is an adult and I pretty much let her do her own thing. But, a fact of life is that she is financially dependent on me and also dependent in other ways (she has no car at her college, she has to be under my health insurance, etc). This episode has to do with that. This was something that we jointly had to sign up for because she couldn't pay. I had to fork over the bucks. I asked her at least three times if she was SURE this was what she wanted to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I said, we even discussed this last week and she was fine with it. Something better came along and now she wants out. If I let her out with no fuss and no nothing, what does she learn? Just that she can continue to take advantage of me and that's just not right. I felt in this case I had to come down on her. I understand what you mean about letting them make their decisions. I do. She will decide where she is going to live, who she will room with, what classes she will take and when, and so on. I don't get involved in that at all. But when she involves me and then totally disregards her commitment, I just can't believe it is okay to let that pass.

ETA: Also, I wanted to clarify that I didn't threaten or demand of her today. Maybe my anger in my post came off as that. We had a conversation while I was at work, therefore, I had to be VERY quiet because I'm in a cubicle farm. I was very calm and told her that she must stick with her commitment. If she couldn't do that then we were going to have to rethink her staying because she was taking advantage of things and not sticking to her decision. She was ranting and yelling--even a person in the dorm with her stopped her and said "Is everything okay?" That's how out of control she was. I stayed calm because I didn't want to scare my coworkers. I repeated my mantra to her so it wouldn't escalate and she just hung up. VERY immature.

 

[Christine]

It is a difficult time. I have three college kids. One of them has moved out so he can spend time on his, ahem, professional music career. He is only going to school very part time now. He is on our family cell phone plan and has not paid me the money for the bill for three months, since he left. I am sorry if he can't afford it. He wanted this move and should work a second job if he needs to. I am going to call the cell phone company today to see if they can shut the phone off for a week or two to shake him up and see if he gets my point. If not it will be off and I will eat the cost I guess. But he was being a butt like your dd before he left about stupid stuff. It's part of trying to prove they are adults. I also think it's to make us feel a little less bad about the empty nest.

Ah, yes. I remember your posts about your son... It's just a tough thing because when you read about yourself cutting off the phone and doing this and doing that, it feels so "controlling" but I think I know and you know that's not what it is about.

My deal with her is that I will support her financially while she goes out to make her way. Her part is that she must put her best efforts toward her studies, try to help out with some of the expense, and be respectful of our home while/when she is at home. She's been in violation a few times.

 

[Acklander]

At this age, she's trying to do things on her own and be her own person. yeah, it's kind of tough on us as parents, but really, it's a good thing that she's spreading her wings towards independence. She's not going to always agree with you and do things the way you want her to. She's becoming stronger. If it was me, and my college age kid didn't want to do the thing that I had paid for her to do, I would just ask to be reimbursed. Who cares if it doesn't bother her to give you the money. She'll get it eventually, or she won't. But it should be her decision. It's not necessary to have a "battle of the wills".
She's trying to become an adult, it's ok to start treating her like one.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Ah, yes. I remember your posts about your son... It's just a tough thing because when you read about yourself cutting off the phone and doing this and doing that, it feels so "controlling" but I think I know and you know that's not what it is about.

My deal with her is that I will support her financially while she goes out to make her way. Her part is that she must put her best efforts toward her studies, try to help out with some of the expense, and be respectful of our home while/when she is at home. She's been in violation a few times.

Yep, that's why I waited so long. It does feel controlling and I know he will think it's only because he moved. It's not. You want to be an adult then don't ask mom and dad to work overtime to pay your bills. I hate to do it so badly because I don't want him working in bars, living in the city, no car and no phone. I am hoping that if I cut it off for a week he'll come up with some kind of plan to pay me. He has bought beer more then once during the past three months.

 

[Planogirl]

It sounds like a kid who is spreading her wings and doing so in a difficult way to me. Sure she is dependent on you but she is also trying to grow up and gradually be less and less dependent. She reminds me a bit of myself at that age and I did move out. I found a good job and eventually finished college too but I don't recommend this path.

Just remember that this too will pass.

 

[agnes!]

Have you given any thought that maybe she is "acting out" because she is trying to adjust to being an "adult" and being away from home and being a college student and having "freedom" and that there are ALOT of pressures that she is facing and maybe, just maybe she has not adjusted yet?

This is kinda like the terrible twos. They want to do things by themselves but yet still need you.

You also need to realize that she IS an adult. Think about this. Would you ever talk to one of your friends the same way you talk to her? No. If they make a decision that you don't agree with/like, you have to accept it. Not demand. Not threaten.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to respect that she is an adult and that you don't/should not control her. This is as much a learning experience for YOU as it is for her.

It doesn't sound like the parent in this instance is controlling the college student or that they want to control the college student. The two of them had an agreement, the parent paid for the student to be able to do something and now the student has changed their mind about the already paid-for activity. The student wants to not participate and the money will be be wasted. The student is, in effect, saying by their actions "Go out and burn that $150 up, I don't care."

Well, the college student who is in college on their parents' dime has a job, so to speak. Their parent is their employer, they are paying for certain things to happen(dorm, books, tuition, food, etc) and the person receiving those benefits could (should?) start thinking about the 'employer' a little differently. If you are not fulfilling your obligations to your employer, you suffer the consequences - you get written up, you don't get that bonus, you get fired.

It goes both ways...would this college student act this way with their college professors, with any real-life employers?

I think not.
agnes!

 

[disneyfan007]

It doesn't sound like the parent in this instance is controlling the college student or that they want to control the college student. The two of them had an agreement, the parent paid for the student to be able to do something and now the student has changed their mind about the already paid-for activity. The student wants to not participate and the money will be be wasted. The student is, in effect, saying by their actions "Go out and burn that $150 up, I don't care."

Well, the college student who is in college on their parents' dime has a job, so to speak. Their parent is their employer, they are paying for certain things to happen(dorm, books, tuition, food, etc) and the person receiving those benefits could (should?) start thinking about the 'employer' a little differently. If you are not fulfilling your obligations to your employer, you suffer the consequences - you get written up, you don't get that bonus, you get fired.

It goes both ways...would this college student act this way with their college professors, with any real-life employers?

I think not.
agnes!

I agree!