Parenting Help!!!

[ckmommy]

Hi there,

I need help! Our DS is 10. He is getting out of hand. He is constantly stealing food, lying, being a bully to his brothers, and just a plain mean kid. I am at my wits end and so is my DH. I do not know what to do. Grounding him does not help. He does not value or love anything. So taking things away does not help.
I understand that he is a boy who is growing. So, he needs to eat more. I always have fruit and other healthy snacks for him and his siblings. Last week, he decided that he wanted to eat all of the girl scout cookies though. I found one of the boxes in the trash. I asked all of the kids who ate it. No one confessed. So, i stared looking around for the rest of the wrappings--I figured that someone ate a few and maybe hid he rest??? Well, I found in my DS10's backpack another box--completely eaten. He finally confessed and brought me the other wrappings of the first box--all gone. He promised not to do that again. The next day, I went to get a granola bar for my lunch and there were only 2 left--out of 5. So I asked DS10 when he got home if he ate them--he tells me no. I tell him that I am sure it was him and 5 mins later he finally tells the truth and gives me the wrappers he had hidden. It seems to be getting worse every week.

I am worried that him hiding food and lying is just the beginning. What is going to happen next? I do not know how much more of his lying I am going to be able to take. He has very few friends, he is mean to his brothers, goes into his sister's room and destroys it. He is not mean or mouthy to me or my DH. That is a plus! I am very worried about him.

Any thoughts, or ways to help me ???

 

[Liberty Belle]

Hi there,

I need help! Our DS is 10. He is getting out of hand. He is constantly stealing food, lying, being a bully to his brothers, and just a plain mean kid. I am at my wits end and so is my DH. I do not know what to do. Grounding him does not help. He does not value or love anything. So taking things away does not help.
I understand that he is a boy who is growing. So, he needs to eat more. I always have fruit and other healthy snacks for him and his siblings. Last week, he decided that he wanted to eat all of the girl scout cookies though. I found one of the boxes in the trash. I asked all of the kids who ate it. No one confessed. So, i stared looking around for the rest of the wrappings--I figured that someone ate a few and maybe hid he rest??? Well, I found in my DS10's backpack another box--completely eaten. He finally confessed and brought me the other wrappings of the first box--all gone. He promised not to do that again. The next day, I went to get a granola bar for my lunch and there were only 2 left--out of 5. So I asked DS10 when he got home if he ate them--he tells me no. I tell him that I am sure it was him and 5 mins later he finally tells the truth and gives me the wrappers he had hidden. It seems to be getting worse every week.

I am worried that him hiding food and lying is just the beginning. What is going to happen next? I do not know how much more of his lying I am going to be able to take. He has very few friends, he is mean to his brothers, goes into his sister's room and destroys it. He is not mean or mouthy to me or my DH. That is a plus! I am very worried about him.

Any thoughts, or ways to help me ???

First, I'd make sure you're feeding him enough.

If your other children aren't like that and he truly values nothing that you can take away, I'd say you should take him to a counselor/therapist so she/he can get to the bottom of things and give you some ideas on how to parent a child with his personality and issues.

 

[golfgal]

How do you "steal" food in your own house?

Sounds like he needs more to eat, why not just buy more so he can eat what he needs?

 

[smb6]

He is not "stealing" your food. If you have a rule that the kids can not have a snack w/out permission, then yes- he is breaking a rule, but certainly not stealing.

Something does not feel right about this, I worry that there is a bigger problem and I might go as far as to say not only does the child need counseling but family counseling may be in order so that you can all evaluate your rules and be on the same page......

And just for clarity: is this your birth child/always lived w/you?

 

[Magpie]

I know it's not usually a suggestion that people like to hear, but...

I think a child psychologist/psychiatrist might be helpful. Even if it's just "a phase", a therapist can help you develop strategies to deal with it. And if there's something more serious going on, like an eating disorder, then the therapist can help you identify the problem and start the appropriate treatment. (As far as I know the basic difference between psychologists and psychiatrists is that psychiatrists are medical doctors and can prescribe drugs.)

You can ask your doctor for a referral. If you or your husband have insurance, it'll usually cover "psychological services" for your family.

Good luck! It sounds like a very difficult, complicated, situation.

 

[ckay87]

My boys can and do eat whole boxes of granola bars. If I didn't want them to eat granola bars, I woudn't buy granola bars. When I buy food, it's for my family, I wouldn't consider that stealing.

Sounds like you have other concerns, you just didn't provide the greatest example.

 

[mrsv98]

First, I'd make sure you're feeding him enough.

If your other children aren't like that and he truly values nothing that you can take away, I'd say you should take him to a counselor/therapist so she/he can get to the bottom of things and give you some ideas on how to parent a child with his personality and issues.

Yes, I would make sure he has access to all the good food he wants/needs. DD is 10, almost 11 and she has been ravenous for months. She has developed that pre-adolescent belly that means a BIG growth spurt is coming. I make sure I have yogurt, fruit, cheese sticks, goldfish, granola bars, bagels, you get the idea. She is really good about asking for "treats" and knows she can just help herself to anything I listed.

The last week or two she has slowed down so I think the stocking up stage has slowed and the part where I am going to have to buy her a lot of new clothes is looming!

In terms of the anger and meanness to his sibs I agree with a therapist. It is often easier to talk to a friendly stranger than your parents, especially if you think you will get in trouble.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

It sounds like he is eating compulsively which may just be a growth spurt or it may be a sign of some other problem. I don't think that it necessarily means your child is headed for juvenile hall....I do think that maybe you just need to ask him why he is eating things and then hiding the fact that he is eating? Does he feel bad about it?

Growing up, a good friend of mine used to do things similar to this. She wasn't "allowed" to eat sweets, so she would "steal" change from the household change jar and pig out on any kind of candy she could buy. Unfortunately for her, this led to the development of bulimia (which boys can have too....contrary to popular opinion).

Yes, his attitude with his siblings is not positive, but sometimes when we're mad at ourselves we lash out at others. I know with my DS if I want to have a good conversation we go for a walk...it's amazing how good a walk can be.

Good luck. Parenting is hard! I know I struggle too from time and time and message boards like this help me to get some "anonymous" advice.

K

 

[ckmommy]

He is not "stealing" your food. If you have a rule that the kids can not have a snack w/out permission, then yes- he is breaking a rule, but certainly not stealing.

Something does not feel right about this, I worry that there is a bigger problem and I might go as far as to say not only does the child need counseling but family counseling may be in order so that you can all evaluate your rules and be on the same page......

And just for clarity: is this your birth child/always lived w/you?

Wow!! Just asking for a little help here!! Yes this is our child that I birthed! Yes, I consider it stealing food--the things that he is taking what is considered sweets. They are for Dessert only. This is a known rule in our house. We have 5 kids and he is the only one that does this! We have fruit and veggies that are free food--they can have as much as they want of those things. We are trying to instill a healthy lifestyle for our kids.

 

[lizabu]

Is he at a healthy weight? Is he eating all his regular meals in addition to these snacks? I've heard of cases where a bully is stealing a child's lunch and he comes home starving and eats quite a bit. The acting out against siblings can happen if he's being bullied. Being bullied can cause frustration and the child can then act out on other kids and even family pets. If he is over weight there are eating disorders that cause people to consume large amounts of food and never being satisfied. That being said the occassional box of cookies or granola bars seems like a lot of food but for a teen or preteen boy is not unheard of. The best thing you can do is see a Dr to rule out any medical causes and once medical causes are ruled out counselling would be the next option to look into.

 

[golfgal]

All the "healthy" food is fine and good but kids this age also need food that will fill them up. They need snacks with protein in them to hold them longer. A bag of fruit snacks just isn't going to cut it for a growing kid-a BOX of fruit snacks, maybe.

DH made the comment this past summer about how "fast" the kids went through a box of Swiss Cake Rolls. He had one, I had one and each of the kids had one-that is 5 out of the 6 in the box--how long does he think they will last

 

[luvmyfam444]

Hi there,

I need help! Our DS is 10. He is getting out of hand. He is constantly stealing food, lying, being a bully to his brothers, and just a plain mean kid. I am at my wits end and so is my DH. I do not know what to do. Grounding him does not help. He does not value or love anything. So taking things away does not help.
I understand that he is a boy who is growing. So, he needs to eat more. I always have fruit and other healthy snacks for him and his siblings. Last week, he decided that he wanted to eat all of the girl scout cookies though. I found one of the boxes in the trash. I asked all of the kids who ate it. No one confessed. So, i stared looking around for the rest of the wrappings--I figured that someone ate a few and maybe hid he rest??? Well, I found in my DS10's backpack another box--completely eaten. He finally confessed and brought me the other wrappings of the first box--all gone. He promised not to do that again. The next day, I went to get a granola bar for my lunch and there were only 2 left--out of 5. So I asked DS10 when he got home if he ate them--he tells me no. I tell him that I am sure it was him and 5 mins later he finally tells the truth and gives me the wrappers he had hidden. It seems to be getting worse every week.

I am worried that him hiding food and lying is just the beginning. What is going to happen next? I do not know how much more of his lying I am going to be able to take. He has very few friends, he is mean to his brothers, goes into his sister's room and destroys it. He is not mean or mouthy to me or my DH. That is a plus! I am very worried about him.

Any thoughts, or ways to help me ???

Hang on tight - my parenting help threads got pretty rough... put on your thick skin

I would however, make sure you are giving him enough food. maybe you need to lock up the other non healthy food. I'd probably serve him his meals (maybe he's not eating @ school) & then a healthy snack & then something filling - like peanutbutter

As far as the way he's treating his siblings rooms - I don't know - I think I'd start taking away from him whatever her destroys in thier room - so if he ruins the pillow then he doesn't get a pillow anymore.

Or the total opposite - try positive behavior modification? Give him something when he's caught being good that he can trade in for more time with you - the movies - something he enjoys.

Other than that little bit I have no idea....sorry

 

[golfgal]

Wow!! Just asking for a little help here!! Yes this is our child that I birthed! Yes, I consider it stealing food--the things that he is taking what is considered sweets. They are for Dessert only. This is a known rule in our house. We have 5 kids and he is the only one that does this! We have fruit and veggies that are free food--they can have as much as they want of those things. We are trying to instill a healthy lifestyle for our kids.

As soon as you many ANY food off limits they are just going to want it more. It is all about moderation. We put no limits on the food our kids eat and 9 times out of 10 they chose a healthy snack. They are all healthy kids at appropriate weights for their heights. I think perhaps your views on this is causing the problem more than anything if you really think that it is stealing to eat food in your own house. Perhaps it would be best to lock you cupboards so kids can't take anything and dole it out as you see fit.

 

[sparks19]

Sorry... it's not normal for a child to sneak food like that. He hides the wrappers so he knows he's not supposed to so that obviously isn't the issue. He seems like maybe he can't help it... and I DOUBT that it's because you don't feed him enough. My Nephew had this problem actually. He would sneak food all the time. He had plenty to eat but he HAD to have the sweets. He's sneak out of his room in the middle of the night and then in the early morning and raid the cupboards. It was really a problem and he was really starting to put on too much weight because of this. They stopped buying sweets all together but then he just went for the next best thing. He just couldn't help himself.

Counselling really helped him. I do think they should ahve done family counselling too but they just went with his own counsellor.

I'd say a Psychologist may be in order. I went to one when I was younger to deal with issues with my sister. she didn't go but it really helped to have someone to talk to (someone neutral) and when I didn't want advice he didn't give me advice but he did make me talk about why I was feeling that way and what I thought would help. It was nice.. it wasn't someone telling me what to do it was someone that helped ME figure out what I needed to do to deal with the problems.

I think this might really help him... and if you guys also do a family counselling session too I think that would help even more. then you guys can all be on the same page about how to help with this and how to help each other most effectively.

Good luck. It is a tough situation to deal with. I know it must be very stressful for you

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Not sure about the bullying of his siblings. But I was a compuldive over-eater. To this day, I can binge as your son as done. The only difference is that I can purchase replacements. The lying might be due to shame and guilt over it. I knew it was wrong, but could not control myself.

Anyway--it may not just be about "hunger".

I could eat a dozen donuts, polish of a box of cookies---anything really. I'm trying to deal with it. The only thing I do know is that it fills any emptiness that I am feeling.

You may try counseling and looking at his activities and school to see if there are any issues.

I got in trouble all of the time for scarfing my mom's Vienna finger cookies. She could eat just one. I was constantly sneaking into them. One here, one there and before I knew it, just one was left. Shameful of me.

 

[Bkk40in2011]

I read your post and wondered - has he always acted this way?

Biologically - could he have sugar inbalances? I know I have a nephew who was REALLY mean hitting people, etc. Found out his blood sugar was dropping - hypoglycemia and he would lash out because he was feeling "out of balance" OR Could he be going through a growth phase and feels embarrassed that he is "eating you out of house and home". My eight year old is hungry all the time. He is very lean and possibly has a really high metabolism.

His world - Could he be having problems at school? Bullying, bad grades, doesn't like teacher, etc. Are your other kids treating him like the bad apple? Do your other children seem to do things effortlessly but for him things are more of a struggle? All of this could cause him to lash out. If he isn't treating you all with disrespect then that tells me that maybe he is going through something and "needs" you on his side but doesn't know how to tell you what's going on.

I don't know your situation and the only way to respond is to be presumptive, but could you sit down with him and say "I love you but it seems you are struggling with something. You are hiding food, lying to me, being disrespectful to your brothers and sisters. Is there something you want to talk about because this isn't the person you really are. Something seems to be stealing the hero (telling the truth, peacemaker, adventurer, etc.) part of you and as your Mom I want to know what that is and how I can help?"

Boys like to know that they are looked at like the good guys. They want to know you care about them and believe that they are better than what they are producing. Think of a husband that comes home frustrated from his job - he wants to know that he is better than his circumstances. Same with young boys I think.

Hope that helps. My 10 year old daughter and I prayed for you because I know it isn't easy raising kids. I also live in Texas so have an affinity for a fellow Texan mom!

Be encouraged. Kids do like boundaries and they DO want their parents involved when life gets overwhelming.

 

[lizabu]

As soon as you many ANY food off limits they are just going to want it more. It is all about moderation. We put no limits on the food our kids eat and 9 times out of 10 they chose a healthy snack. They are all healthy kids at appropriate weights for their heights. I think perhaps your views on this is causing the problem more than anything if you really think that it is stealing to eat food in your own house. Perhaps it would be best to lock you cupboards so kids can't take anything and dole it out as you see fit.

I had this thought too. Forbidden foods are so much more tempting than something they can have whenever they want. My kids are allowed to help themselves to whatever they want too. They usually choose a good mix of healthy food and sometimes snacks.

 

[ckmommy]

Maybe I am just overreacting.

Maybe I need to buy a cow.

Maybe i need to buy stock in Girl scout cookies.

Maybe it is the fact i am a girl and never, ever would have thought about eating a whole pack of cookies.

Maybe I have no ideas about boys--guess I am going to learn a lot in the next few years.

Maybe he is just growing.

Maybe i just needed to hear some advice that is positive from other parents who are going through this or have gone through it

As this boys get older i can say for sure my grocery bill is going to go up--no Maybe about that.

 

[sparks19]

Yeah I wouldn't blow this off as just normal growing boy behaviour. This really can be a problem and people suffer with this all the time. Everything in moderation... but they just don't GET moderation. they can't eat JUST ONE.

This type of behaviour is usually more than "I want what I can't have". I know it's hard for people to imagine what you are describing but it really does get out of control. Then we get kids with weight problems and heart problems at 10 years old who can't run around and play because they've become obese and can't control their eating without some sort of intervention.

 

[luvmyfam444]

BTW - girl scout cookies don't count - EVERONE eats the whole box of those in one sitting!