Parenting Advice for letting teens ride with friends

[InnerTink]

I have 4 teenagers at home. We have had a set rule that they can not ride with other teen drivers unless they are Seniors and are pre approved by us.
This is to ensure that they have had their license awhile and have some experience, and because it is a small town if they are a reckless driver there is a good chance I have overheard someone mention them.
I just want my kids to be safe. A couple that my husband works with lost one son and almost the other in a car accident, it really had an effect on me.
It has been a constant battle with our teens them begging to ride with what I consider newbie drivers. Now that one of my boys is halfway thru his Sophmore year most all his friends have their license, he is the baby of the class he won't get his till summer.He came to me upset that he doesn't really have friends anymore because he can't ride with them anywhere.He said they don't even bother asking him to go places because they know he can't so they are leaving him out and he says they hardly say "Hi" in the hallway at school. This broke my heart. He has always been a pretty popular boy. So now I'm torn. Do I let them go a PRAY for the best, or stick to my rule and hope the friends drift back after he gets his license?
I need some outside input. Any parents out there been through this? How did you handle it??

 

[summermac]

I can understand your senior reasoning but I knew lots of seniors (my sister included) who didn't have their license yet. I think the best approach you can take is to encourage your son to be a responsible passenger and to always always always call you if ANYthing is fishy. I was a (fairly) responsible teenage driver. I was NEVER allowed more than two other passengers, one of which was normally my sister.

But..what do I know? My kids are only 4 & 2. LOL!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

As a mother of a 16 year old, I know exactly where you are coming from. My daughter just got her permit, yes a late bloomer, but some of her friends are already driving. For me, I have to know who it is that she is riding with. She can't go far and I check up on her but it's scary. There are some kids that she is not aloud to ride with too.

It's different with boys though. It seems like they are a little more daring while driving. It's a tough call either way.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

Ahhh.... speaking from a teenager's perspective.... I know how he feels.

I'm a junior, and I still don't have my license. (Just because I haven't felt the need yet and my dad isn't being very cooperative with a car.) It is a little awkward still being dropped off for school when all of my friends are coming from the parking lot. Then I have to wait by myself for my mom to come and pick me up.

However, I don't think you should cave in. A lot of teenage drivers are recklace.... and even if they are careful, they still don't have a lot of experience. Now, you might want to consider bending your rules a little bit. Maybe if you know and approve the driver (and only if your son has your permission ahead of time), you can let him ride with a friend (but I suggest starting with juniors..... I don't exactly trust the maturity of sophomores, and I definitely wouldn't want to get in the car with one) every once in a while.

And sorry to say this, but if his friends are ignoring him just because he can't drive, they probably aren't really his friends. Are there not other "babies" of the class who are waiting to get their licenses? If transportation is the only thing preventing him from being "in," then maybe you could drop him off at a friend's house. Also encourage him to invite friends over.

Although it's not always cool to ride with mom and dad, it's a lot safer - and I think life and good health comes before popularity. Sorry your son feels left out - just a little bit longer, and he'll be driving, too. I hope he gets his friends back (now)!

 

[dis-happy]

I had this rule and it actually worked both ways. Not only were they not allowed to ride in cars with other teen drivers they weren't allowed to carry passengers either (we kept the graduated license restrictions on until she turned 18).

Read a huge long article a couple of years ago about the statistics of teen drivers...age of driver plus number of kids in the car can astronomically raise the chances of a fatal accident. I guess I'd rather have a slightly less popular child than a dead one. Any reason you can't offer to drive your child to meet his friends places? Ever see how some of those friends drive when they don't know you're behind them? I happened to follow a tennis friend of my son's drive a couple of times after leaving practice. It was no surprise to me that he has now had 2 accidents plus one car totalled (thankfully, he was unhurt).

 

[disykat]

I don't know any sophmores who can drive people yet! My son has a November birthday and still has several months on his restricted license. We'll have some decisions to make at that point, but will probably do it on a case by case basis.

Most of the sophmores who are older than him don't have their licenses yet. Any of his older friends who do have licenses are also still driving family vehicles and have restrictions placed on them by their parents.

 

[kacaju]

my daughter is a freshman and I have had to already set down ground rules. As of right now she is not allowed at anyt ime to go with anyone in their car. With the exception if she is even in danger of staying in the area, then I do trust her judgement to go with a friend instead of staying and being in danger.
Her boyfriend got his license in Nov and right now she is not allowed to be in the car with him for 6 months. After the 6 months are up I told her we'd revisit it and talk about whether or not she could drive someplace with him.
She gets her permit in Oct. She is the oldest of her friends, and I have already told her not to think about driving her friends around!!
SIGH.... remember back when they were being potty trained... it was so easy back then!!

 

[nessz79]

I'm not a parent of a teenager, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. When I was in high school, most of my friends got cars before me (I didn't get one until I was graduating). My parents allowed me to be in their cars as long as it was someone they knew. There were accidents- one could have been serious as I decided to not wear my seatbelt (something I never did, but was trying to impress a boy...*sigh*). So there certainly are dangers.

However, I know where your son is coming from in a way. My curfew was 11:00 even on the weekends, whereas my friends' curfews were midnight. They would drop me off even earlier so they could have time to go out and do something before their curfew. When I was 17, I was allowed to stay out later and it was such a relief for me. I felt left out and ignored by my friends pretty often with the earlier curfew. So I kind of know where your son is coming from.

I have 2 young children and I wont' be there for another 10 years. I plan on allowing them to ride with their friends with a LOT of advice and lecturing on safe driving and when to call me, etc. I think if I knew that someone was a bad driver, I wouldn't allow them to ride with them. However, unless you're around them 24/7, teens will do things behind your back, no matter how wonderful of a child they are. So I would allow them to ride with their friends to prevent sneaking around behind your back, load them up with advice, and be open so they'll come to you if they are in trouble.

 

[kellyg403]

Mom, I know how you feel. Your rule has always been our rule as well. Its hard for them to understand their safety is our number one concern. Depending on how flexible you are with the rule you will have this issue I think. I don't have any great advise for you, we still struggle with it. I have one dd whose friend that drives, her parents think like I do. She is allowed one friend in the car and no more and that was just in the last month or so, before that no one. DD is 16 and I let her drive with this senior in the last month after talking to the mom and finding out she has had her license for about 18 months. I felt comfortable with that. I really don't want the kids in the car with an inexperienced driver any more than I have to. Meaning, still on the provisional..no. Full license yes. No matter the age. I do give my dd the third degree, sometimes I feel bad about it. But, I can not stop myself. I also had a child pass away and I am hyper sensitive to these issues. I try to tell her all the time that it has more to do with me than her and I am trying to get past it and loosen up. But, in the driving in other teens car that have had their driver's license since yesterday...well it will never happen for me. Never. They need more experience before I can let her get in the car.

You know your child best. You know if this rule is something your family can reevaluate and you can maybe loosen a little. You know if your child is using 'lack of friends' as an excuse to get their way or if it is really happening. I would take all of that into consideration and go from there. I do know this, I have 5 teens in the house. Some rules have to be across the board. My stepdd has trouble with the car issue because she thinks its a stupid rule. My dh has caught her getting out of people's cars at the top of the block so it appears that she is getting off the bus. Her edit button is a little different. Dd16, she whined and groaned and hated it but when she turned 16 and became a jr I started letting her ride with people I met that had their license. Sometimes, they have to see that you will make good on your promise. So far, no accidents for her but dsd has been in 2 car accidents riding with people. One of the girls had just gotten her provisional license about 2 hours before, the parents presented her with a new car (literally) and she flipped the car going to fast on a corner on a country road. What are the chances of that happening? So, my gut instinct says that if you think his friends are grounded, he is responsible you may be able to be loosen the rules a bit. Otherwise, the rule has to stay in place so that all the other teens understand what the rules are.

At this point dh has said stepdd17 may never be able to drive or ride in another person's car because she consistently breaks the rules. I don't neccesarily agree but he is the dad. So far, dd16 has only been given permission to ride with the one friend. Not sure how it will work out in the end.

Kelly

 

[mjkacmom]

I feel fortunate living in NJ, where you can't get your license before 17! That said, my oldest has a July birthday, so she's one of the youngest, and I remember being a teen driver, and driving with other teens, and it's scary! So, no advice - I really want to freeze my children now!

 

[Rylee]

How we handled it...

1) We had a "general" 1 year rule. Driver must have 1 year driving experience, (or have driven through one of our Syracuse, New York WINTERS, and since we've had snow on Halloween and Mother's Day, that's almost a year! )

2) We were also willing to consider different drivers and situations, and give permission in certain circumstances, after talking it over.

Due to rule 1, the kids always knew they had to have our permission to ride with a friend. They knew there would be no calling at the last minute, and saying, I'm riding with Johnny over to Susie's, I'll be home later, etc.

We did, at times, grant permission, depending on the who, what, and where. It was never for the pupose of a joyride or just hanging out.

Our children are... girls, ages 27, 23, 18 and boys, 10 & 7, so we have only gone through this with the girls.

Sometimes the "right" decision won't be the popular decision. Our 18 y/o used to hang with the popular crowd, from kindergarten - 10th grade, then her friends started drinking at parties. She would get invited to parties, but wouldn't want to go. When I questioned why she didn't spend as much time with her friends, she told me about the alcohol. Eventually, they stopped inviting her. I felt bad for her, but was proud she made the right decision, all on her own. Since then, she has found other friends she has stuff in common with.

 

[DVCLiz]

Here's my experience, with a daughter -

In NC you can get your license at 16, but you are restricted to having one passenger with you for the first six months. So, as DD and her friends got their licenses, I knew I had a built-in six month period that was enforced by law limiting the new driver to that one person. That made a lot of difference to me - I was much more willing to let DD drive with one friend as opposed to a whole bunch piling in a car.

During those six months, I first asked the friend to drive me to a fast food restaurant to get a drink. My rule was that you had to be willing to do that for me so I could make sure you were a safe driver. All of my daughter's friends knew me well , so they were happy to do that for me and they also knew I was treating everyone to lunch!!

Once I made sure they had basic sense on the road, it was a case by case basis. I made sure to include my daughter in conversations about who was a good driver, who she thought wasn't careful enough, etc. That seemed to help - she knew I wasn't just being arbitrary. That may be part of the issue your son is having - you aren't really making a decision based on who is actually a good driver and who isn't, but bunching everyone together under the heading "teen driver."

The other thing I did was to make sure DD had her own car to drive - that way if she needed to go somewhere and the issue of riding with someone came up, she could say, "Oh, I'm driving too, do you want a ride?" She had control then and could avoid driving with people she didn't know well, etc. And there was always the ever popular, "Sorry, I have to follow my mom's rule or I get my car taken away!"

The bottom line is that at some point your son is going to be driving with teens, whether they are brand new drivers or have had a year or so of experience. That year might make you feel better, but statistically there are still lots of incidents until drivers have had several YEAR S of experience.

Personally, I don't think your son's friends will just "come back" - I think the smaller groups of friends are being established now and I don't think kids change them when they are seniors - too many bonds have been formed.

If you can, I would lighten up and make a different decision. If you won't change your mind about it, then I would be prepared to help your son try and make some other friends.

 

[teresajoy]

I don't think you should cave in, you are doing what is best to protect your child. Corey is 16 and does not want to get his license until he is 18. We have read the statistics on teen drivers, and if that doesn't scare you, nothing will! Corey has several friends who feel the same way. He is actually picked up for school by his friend's Mom and rides the bus home. I'm glad this doesn't bother Corey, because he knows when it comes to his safety, I don't bend the rules for anything.

 

[disneynewbee]

I think your rules are good ones. I know they don't make him happy now but he may thank you for them later. It's sad that his friends would abandon him because he can't drive with them but I wouldn't risk his life to save his popularity. My dd is 15yo so we will be dealing with this soon and dh and I have already been talking about it. She is the baby in her class so most of her friends will get their license before her. She won't be driving with them but I'll be more than happy to drop her off wherever they are going so she doesn't get left out. A lot of the boys around here love to 'hotrod' it's so dangerous. I was taking my girls home from dance class a few wks ago and one almost hit me head on because they came around a corner too fast and lost control of the car and were swerving all over the place. Luckily they ended up in a small ditch on the side of the road rather than head on into my car. The car was packed full of young boys it was a very tiny car and there were 6 boys in it. Would the driver have been driving like that if he wasn't showing off for his friends? Who knows. About a wk ago we came to the bottom of our road to see cops and ambulance. There was a car upside down on the field. Found out later from a paramedic friend that it was teenagers speeding. Not a risk I want to take.

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I just want to say that it's not always the OTHER kid you have to watch out for. You have to be very diligent with your own as well. Our oldest DS (18) was killed in a car accident last year. He was driving. There were no alcohol or drugs involved and the police report says he was only going 5 mph over the speed limit.

I have went over and over the scenario in my head trying to make it make sense. I even got all his cell phone records just to make sure he wasn't on the phone at that time (he wasn't). He was also the kind of kid to call home for a ride when he didn't like something that was going on, so he was pretty responsible in that way.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say here other than life is short. You can't make your children prisoners to your fears. If we had never let him go anywhere and participate in things with his friends...I think it would make the situation now much more sad and depressing.

As hard as it is to sometimes accept, I do believe that it was just his time. He could have slipped and fallen or choked on something at home. You just never know.

We have a 15 y/o (16 in a few months) who is currently learning to drive and will be getting his license this year. You can believe I am a nervous wreck about that...but I cannot keep him prisoner here forever. As for currently letting him ride with friends, it would only be people I know really well (as in any situation). We live in a small town and I know all of their vehicles and I know who drives crazy....but he could also be with the best driver in town and get hit by another reckess driver. There are just so many things you can think of when you get started thinking that way.

I can only teach them as well as I can at home and hope they have the good judgement to know when a situation is dangerous.

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh Scrapper, I'm so sorry.


*******


"he doesn't really have friends anymore because he can't ride with them anywhere.He said they don't even bother asking him to go places because they know he can't so they are leaving him out and he says they hardly say "Hi" in the hallway at school."

That just seems REALLY unlikely. And if riding in the car with each other is really that important, what on earth are they doing in that car? If getting to the place is the important part, you can drop him off there. If the ride is important, it sounds like more than just careful driving is happening, and there's just no chance I'd want to be in that car (or let my kid in that car).


My mom always trusted the guys that drove me on dates more than she trusted my friends...with friends she knew we'd get silly, start laughing, etc. And she didn't know who would end up driving (though there was only one person with a big enough car for all of us, until I was driving and could use the '55 Chevy (retrofitted with seat belts by my stepdad, whose dad owned a towing company and saw horrific things while working for his dad). But with dates, they came into the house, she could look them in the eye, tell them what she expected from them, etc. They were accountable while my friends were not so much.

And lastly, since I had a late birthday and tehrefore had VERY late driver's ed, she bought me professional lessons over the summer BEFORE the free driver's ed. So I got double the training, and ended up a pretty good driver if I do say so myself. Once I was driving, and driving well, she trusted me to drive people and encouraged that instead of being at the mercy of my friends.

 

[DWFan4Life]

As a mother of a 16 year old, I know exactly where you are coming from. My daughter just got her permit, yes a late bloomer, but some of her friends are already driving. For me, I have to know who it is that she is riding with. She can't go far and I check up on her but it's scary. There are some kids that she is not aloud to ride with too.

It's different with boys though. It seems like they are a little more daring while driving. It's a tough call either way.

Yes, it's really scary. If I would be, I'll check her every minute. I'm glad my DD is still baby.

 

[jakoky]

hi there, i have 3 teenagers right now...a 17 yr old dd(18 in may), 15 1/2 yr old ds, and 13 yr old dd....this issue is one i have had to deal with and it is a scary one...i think our rules here in canada are much tougher for licensing than in the US, so it is one thing that makes me feel a little better...here, the kids drive around with a big red L(learning) for a year, always with an adult...they are not allowed to get their license for at least a year after passing their written exam...after they pass their driving test, 1 full year later, they now drive around with a big green N(new or novice) for 2 years...in this 2 years, they are allowed only 1 passenger other than family...the police watch out for these N's and are all over the teenagers in our town...I truly believe that having to practice for a full year before being able to drive on their own is great...and i love that they can only carry 1 passenger...After the N(so 3 years after starting), they have to take another test and they are a real driver i know they break the rules sometimes, but they caught a lot too...today my daughter and 3 friends came home for lunch and they had to bring 2 vehicles ...anyways, i do know the stress involved in kids getting in other kids vehicles...i know have one driving and i still worry like crazy ...Good luck in your decision!!!

sharon

 

[InnerTink]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I will also have to really think on this but for now the rules stick. I offered for him to have a big Superbowl party next weekend to maybe help connect back with some of his buddy's.

To answer one thing a few people mentioned. The boys' favorite pass time is usually to run to a nearby town and restaurant hop (Sonic, Micky D's, ect...)
So no unfortunately it isn't just a matter of a ride, they travel. I know they do this because it is a new freedom for them and to get to put their License to use. I completely understand and I being from this same town I did the same thing at their age.
The other thing they like to do, also understandable follow the basketball teams.They drive to the away games to support the teams. This is usually a few times a week at least.So he is getting left out alot and as much as I want to help him I don't have time to drive him that far and then turn around to go get him.
I made a mental note to try to let him go to as many of the home games as I can though.(After homework and chores that is LOL.I am such a meany Mom or so they think ) As a matter of fact that is where he is now.

It will be a bit easier when he gets his own license because I trust him. It will then be worrying about other drivers and passengers.(LOL a mother's job is never done)

 

[dyna]

My DD's are 32,31 an 18 yrs old. We've not only looked at how much experince a kid has at driving but what kind of car they have.

When I was 15 yrs old I watched my best friend burn alive in an old VW bug when an on coming car crossed center line an hit gas tank. Front passengers was able to get out but my friend did not. 2 door VW she was trapped in the back ENOUGH SAID I won't go into anymore details.

Some PP have said sometimes it's not the kid driver but another driver who causes accident VERY TRUE but more experinced drivers is more apt to know how to avoid the collision or to make the collision less of an impact.

Mine could have gotten their license at 16 an 1 month but DH an I chose to make them wait till they was 17 or close to it the 2 that had August bdays got their license in June so they'd have the summer to practice a bit before driving to school. Even then they was only allowed to drive to school an back for the 1st few months. Then we added a couple of fast food resturants that was in less busy parts of town. We live in a very small town of 3,000 ppl but the traffic can still be a nitemare at times.

Even at 18 DD has only driven on the interstate to a bigger town 30 mles away twice by herself. So it's not how long the kid has been driving but how long have they been driving to where they are going?