CaliforniaDreamin, hope your doctors have gotten things straightened out for you.
Hoping you and your doctor find what works for you!!! Keep the spirits up!
Driving to the mountains is a HUGE step, that is wonderful!!!!
Thank you so much for the advice. Since I lasted posted, I have sloooowly started taking small steps. Like you mentioned, I have MAJOR driving anxiety (how I drove roundtrip 60 miles to work everyday for 7 years, I'll never know). On a Monday, my psychologist and I were talking about the driving anxiety and the agoraphobia. She told me to try to drive a mile or 2 from my house every day. On Tuesday, I did just that. And I got t-boned by a guy who ran a stop sign. It totaled my car. No one was hurt, and I can actually look back and see the humor in it (although it did make my driving anxiety worse). I mean, what are the odds of that happening the very first time you try and drive after weeks of being unable to drive????
Anyway, over the past few months, since I left work, my meds seem to be working alot better (I had to leave my job April 9...I knew if I didn't do it then, I would wind up in the hospital any day). My depression has improved greatly, my xanax (4mgs) a day, is working.Apparently, I cannot handle work and thats why my meds quit working and I was having panic attacks that xanax wouldn't touch.
I would feel completely normal at this point if it wasn't for the irrational fears I have developed. Example: I was out on our deck 2 days ago, talking to my dad on the phone. We have a very large back yard. I saw a black snake slithering towards our basement door. So I'm one story above the basement, knowing the basement door was open and that there was no way I could beat the snake to the door. But thank God, a bird started picking at it's tail (it must have been trying to get to the birds nest and the bird went after it, which was pretty funny to watch) and this distracted the snake enough to give me a chance to make a mad dash to the basement and run to the door and slam it shut. Then I peeked out the window to make sure the snake hadn't snuck in while I was running downstairs. Thank God, the snake was in a coiled position with it's head in strike pose trying to scare the bird off. I am NOT afraid of snakes. But I freaked out.
I went upstairs and sat on the couch staring at the basement door that leads into the living room. I could not stop watching the door. My dad (who I was still on the phone with) told me to leave the room so I could stop watching the door. I told him the only way I could leave the room is to go back outside and look for the snake so I would know where he was. But then, what if I went outside to look for the snake and it snuck in the house while I was out? I mean, all of this was completely irrational, and I could even admit so at the time. Both the basement door going outside and the basement door that opened to the living room were shut tight. No way a snake could get in that way. This was NOT a panic attack, at least not the kind I normally have. But it did take 2 xanax before I could walk away from staring at the door (about 30 min later). Sorry to go on and on. I am going to go over this with my psycholgist this week. She seems to think I may have OCD as well, and I think thats what happened with the snake incident. It was an OCD thing.
Anyway, I have taken some trips outside the house. I'm still working on it. My MIL has been in the hospital for a few days, and she is probably not going to be around much longer. I had my daughter drive me to the hospital so I could visit her. I haven't seen my psychologist or psychiatrist in about 3 weeks because I couldnt make myself leave the house, even with DH taking me. But I know I HAVE to go this week to at least report the snake story. And there is one new symptom that I have a lot of questions about. I felt guilty for leaving my job, but now I know that I HAD to. No doubt in my mind. As I said, I would have been in the hospital if I had returned on the next Monday. It may have been 4 or 5 days later, but I know what would have happened. Thank God I don't feel that way now (I would NEVER hurt anyone. The only one in danger was me).