OT: When do you stop inviting extended family to birthday parties?

[jeepgirl30]

well DH and I had a heated discussion last night. Little background, his brother's wife does not believe in disciplining "her" girls. BIL has occassionally tired to step in and reprimand the youngest and has been really reamed out by SIL. The girls are completely out of control when they visit. DH is very OCD with our home and it is completely spotless. We do not allow our children to eat throughout the house, they eat at the kitchen table or the dining room table, we all do. We do not allow them to carry drinks throughout the house either. When we go to other people's homes, we expect our children to use their manners and follow the same rules as we have at home. We teach them to respect other people's property. My neices do not. Everytime they've been to my home they have broken something or have spilled food/drinks on my couch. I have tried saying we do not eat in other rooms but SIL has completely ignored me and taken them into the living room and allowed them to eat there. The girls are young, 4 and 7 now but has always done this with them.

We now have parties out of the home for our kids. At my son's last bday party my SIL allowed the youngest to crawl up on the table and strip the cheese off 2 of the 3 pizzas I had set asside for the adults. She watched as she dumped a pitcher of soda on the plates of 2 other children. I turned and just missed by said "oh no you don't" and went to grab the pitcher. SIL said "oh honey, its okay" to the daughter and shot me a very nasty look.

Bottom line, I'm tried of paying for them to come to birthday parties! They are very misbehaved.

Last night we were trying to set a budget for DS's bday. I want to keep it around 10-12 children. I think he should be able to choose and not be forced to have 2 slots taken for these girls. Now my DD is an automatic but I do not feel I need to pay for my neices.

DH said "well we have to invite neices" i said, well we do not "have" to invite them at all, we could have them over another time and celebrate with the family.

So all that to ask, when do you stop inviting cousins to attend birthday parties?

 

[PrincessNoelle'sMom]

OMG - I can feel your pain. I think we all have some relatives that we'd rather not share occassions with.

With that said, we did family parties for our children until they were 5. On their 5th birthday, they got to start having "kids" parties. We usually decide on a location together and then based on the price per child, they get to invite x amount of friends. They choose who they want. If our family wants to see them for their birthdays, we pick a convienient day for relatives to "stop-by" for cake or something - nothing big and NOT another party or prolonged visit.

Good Luck deciding. This is always a touchy subject in families. I am sure you will make the right decision for yours

 

[mjkacmom]

When they are old enough to invite classmates, you can do separate family parties, or not do a family party at all (at least that is the unwritten rule around here).

 

[arminnie]

It's not your nieces that you need to correct - it's your SIL.

I would not allow someone to take their young children with food and drink into a room where I didn't allow food and drink anymore than I would let them to give their children my good china to play with. A firm (very) "we do not allow food in the LR" directed at your SIL not the children.

It would probably be easier just not to just invite her than to confront her about her atrocious actions, but that is your decision to make.

 

[a1tinkfans]

well DH and I had a heated discussion last night. Little background, his brother's wife does not believe in disciplining "her" girls. BIL has occassionally tired to step in and reprimand the youngest and has been really reamed out by SIL. The girls are completely out of control when they visit. DH is very OCD with our home and it is completely spotless. We do not allow our children to eat throughout the house, they eat at the kitchen table or the dining room table, we all do. We do not allow them to carry drinks throughout the house either. When we go to other people's homes, we expect our children to use their manners and follow the same rules as we have at home. We teach them to respect other people's property. My neices do not. Everytime they've been to my home they have broken something or have spilled food/drinks on my couch. I have tried saying we do not eat in other rooms but SIL has completely ignored me and taken them into the living room and allowed them to eat there. The girls are young, 4 and 7 now but has always done this with them.

We now have parties out of the home for our kids. At my son's last bday party my SIL allowed the youngest to crawl up on the table and strip the cheese off 2 of the 3 pizzas I had set asside for the adults. She watched as she dumped a pitcher of soda on the plates of 2 other children. I turned and just missed by said "oh no you don't" and went to grab the pitcher. SIL said "oh honey, its okay" to the daughter and shot me a very nasty look.

Bottom line, I'm tried of paying for them to come to birthday parties! They are very misbehaved.

Last night we were trying to set a budget for DS's bday. I want to keep it around 10-12 children. I think he should be able to choose and not be forced to have 2 slots taken for these girls. Now my DD is an automatic but I do not feel I need to pay for my neices.

DH said "well we have to invite neices" i said, well we do not "have" to invite them at all, we could have them over another time and celebrate with the family.

So all that to ask, when do you stop inviting cousins to attend birthday parties?

OMG! what a horror!

I think that when the kids decide to have a party with kids JUST THEIR AGE OR with kids, JUST their sex (boys going to some "boy" thing or girls getting mails done) its time to cut out the relatives, unless they also "fit the bill"

If your DH insists on a party with the FAMILY, why not tell him you'll have a simple CAKE and COFFEE for the H*Birthday celebration and HOLD YOUR BREATH your HOME survives. How GROSS that your SIL is so INCONSIDERATE!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your CHILD and Good Luck too!

 

[4Seasons]

When they are old enough to invite classmates, you can do separate family parties, or not do a family party at all (at least that is the unwritten rule around here).

That's what we've always done.

 

[pigget74]

Since all of my kids are born in September we have 1 big family party. Even when I had only the older two we still did this. I would definitly have a family party that way for their friend party you do not have to worry about anything but having a good time. Good luck.

 

[TupperMom7]

Here is what I would do. I would have a kids party at the party place of your choosing and have your kids invite their friends. Then I would have a cake for the family party. To avoid having the kids eat in other rooms, set the table in the diining room with a tablecloth and the one in the kitchen too. Maybe have some balloons and streamers up, so it looks like the "party place". If nothing fun is going on in the living room, why would your neices wnat to be in there? If they make a move for the other rooms with food or a drink, say "sorry, but all food and drinks have to stay where the party is happening". The kids won't think a thing of you telling them - it is your house afterall!

 

[C.Ann]

It's your son's BD - I would allow him to invite "friends only" - and that's the end of that..

If there "has" to be a family party, have your DH ask his mom to host it there..

 

[mdsouth]

It's your son's BD - I would allow him to invite "friends only" - and that's the end of that..

If there "has" to be a family party, have your DH ask his mom to host it there..

Exactly! If your DH insists that family members attend a celebration, I would encourage you to hold the party somewhere else! You could even hold it at a local pizza place, restaurant = therefore, the food is not an issue!

If you do end up having them return to your home, I agree, direct your instructions to the SIL and tell her that she may allow certain things at her home, but she and her kids are at YOUR home and they have to follow your rules. If the she or the kids don't, I would follow them into the LV and take away the food and drink. If she is that rude and disrespectful than she can just take it! The worst thing that could happen would be she would get mad and decide not to return to your house again!

 

[gillenkl]

When they are old enough to invite classmates, you can do separate family parties, or not do a family party at all (at least that is the unwritten rule around here).

I agree. Once your children are in school you can just concentrate on their class friends. In fact in my daughters school none of the parents really do kid parties - we send cupcakes into school on their birthday. That's it. Once my kids hit kindergarten the family parties ended

 

[newtodis]

I have a nephew like this and his parents are pretty "checked out" (he spends a lot of time with Grandma). When we lived closer, he was always invited to the family parties and the "kid parties". When we started the kid parties (which we started out with them at our house and when we moved to outside locations) I always sat the kids down when they got there and share the rules-at my house or not. When you're dropping your kids off for my kid's party, I think I can make the rules right?? I did the same for family parties-not so much sitting them down but just saying "remember the rules at Aunt Lynn's" and that usually took care of everything. Praising my kids for following the rules also helped too. My DS4 isn't afraid to tell you that you're breaking the rules so he'd tried to help keep everyone in line too!

I would suggest a "kids only" party-the adults can drop their kids off but cannot stay. Get a couple of impartial volunteers to help (a neighbor, Grandma, someone that will help enforce your rules) during the party. If your SIL feels she must be there, give her a specific job (something important but something you won't care if it's screwed up) so she's focused on that instead of you talking to her kids.

Maybe trying taking your neices out for a girl day-just you and them. That gives you a great chance to take them somewhere fun for the day and reinforce good manners. If they ask, explain that everyone has different rules and when they're with you, you expect certain things.

If worse comes to worse, slap a "house rules" chart up somewhere noticable but not out in the wide open. Then if anyone's breaking the rules, just point out the chart and that those are the rules at your house.

If you're comfortable, sit down with the parents and let them know your house rules. Just simply explain that you want your visitors to show respect to your things and want to be sure that everyone's on the same page.

If none of those things work, move across the country, change your number and go that route!

Good luck!

 

[lisadr]

I don't want to hijack your thread so I won't explain my out-laws to you. But needless to say we decided to let my DD decide who comes to her party and for the family and friends party we just don't invite them.

If your SIL asks why they didn't get an invite I would be very forthcoming and tell her exactly why not. If she can not control her children and respect your home then she should know that she will not be welcome.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

My SIL (DH's sister) has twins, boy and girl, 2 1/2. DD just turned 5. She had her birthday at a local gymnastic place 2 weeks ago. I didn't invite the twins.

She had a bunch of kids from the neighborhood and school she wanted to invite plus my DS who is 9, had one of his friends.

The place I had it at said the twins could attend but since they were under the minimum age of 3 , the parents would have to be in the gym ad there may be stuff too advanced for them.

Seriously, I didn't want them disrupting my DD's party and people yelling watch out for the twins etc. So I didn't invite them. Selfish maybe, but it was DD's party and I paid alot of money . I wanted her to get the most out of it.

They came to the family party last Sunday.

 

[bmoncher]

you are not obligated to invite anyone... go with that
Beth

 

[HamTown]

How old is your son? I think that if there is more than a 3 year age difference in your son and your oldest niece, then that is more than enough reason to exclude them from a "friends" party. They will probably not interact with the other party-goers, so why take up the valuable spots with the girls when your son should be allowed to invite one of his peers.

 

[dmiller882]

I know what you mean my DD birthday is coming up to and last year we had her very first sleep over she said it was the best party she ever had but I had some family member upset that they were not invited so I didn't know what to do I think I going to do what was said earlier to ask the family memebers over for cake and coffee and then have DD party another night. because I don't want anyone upset. Because they our family and they will always be family.

 

[JimmyJr'sMom]

You state DH is OCD about the home- but YOU are the one complaining about the food outside the DR and kitchen. Food is just food, but FAMILY is FAMILY. How often do you really see these people? SUCK IT UP. MAN UP. Don't drive a wedge between him and his family- you'll regret it later. In my family we have a saying- "Your parents wil be dead and gone but your brothers and sisters will be there forever."
It's kinda morbid- but it is what it is.
Don't be rude- invite the girls and don't stress over it- the only ones who look bad when they misbehave are your BIL & SIL.

 

[sk!mom]

For us it depends on the age of the cousins and the size and location of the party. DD12 has had a swim party the last couple of years and all of our extended family was invited along with a large group of friends. DD hung out with her friends and near age cousins but her much younger cousins were still able to come and enjoy an afternoon of swimming. A few years ago, she had a slumber party. For that, only her two near age girl cousins were included.

In this case, my DH's feelings would be most important to me. If he was concerned about starting a family fued over a child's party then I would defer to him. I doubt that it matters to the birthday child as long as he gets to invite his friends.

Are you sure that you don't just dislike your SIL and want to exclude her?

 

[mookie]

well DH and I had a heated discussion last night. Little background, his brother's wife does not believe in disciplining "her" girls. BIL has occassionally tired to step in and reprimand the youngest and has been really reamed out by SIL. The girls are completely out of control when they visit. DH is very OCD with our home and it is completely spotless. We do not allow our children to eat throughout the house, they eat at the kitchen table or the dining room table, we all do. We do not allow them to carry drinks throughout the house either. When we go to other people's homes, we expect our children to use their manners and follow the same rules as we have at home. We teach them to respect other people's property. My neices do not. Everytime they've been to my home they have broken something or have spilled food/drinks on my couch. I have tried saying we do not eat in other rooms but SIL has completely ignored me and taken them into the living room and allowed them to eat there. The girls are young, 4 and 7 now but has always done this with them.

We now have parties out of the home for our kids. At my son's last bday party my SIL allowed the youngest to crawl up on the table and strip the cheese off 2 of the 3 pizzas I had set asside for the adults. She watched as she dumped a pitcher of soda on the plates of 2 other children. I turned and just missed by said "oh no you don't" and went to grab the pitcher. SIL said "oh honey, its okay" to the daughter and shot me a very nasty look.

Bottom line, I'm tried of paying for them to come to birthday parties! They are very misbehaved.

Last night we were trying to set a budget for DS's bday. I want to keep it around 10-12 children. I think he should be able to choose and not be forced to have 2 slots taken for these girls. Now my DD is an automatic but I do not feel I need to pay for my neices.

DH said "well we have to invite neices" i said, well we do not "have" to invite them at all, we could have them over another time and celebrate with the family.

So all that to ask, when do you stop inviting cousins to attend birthday parties?

OMG - Do you LIVE in my house? Are you my long lost twin?

I could have written this. WORD FOR WORD. Right down to the pizza!!! (I also have another story with hands in dip. Multiple times. But don't want you to lose your cookies...I know I did when I saw it, so repeating it is out of the question!)

Sorry, no advice for you. I've been fighting with DH on this for years. But I'll just let you know that I feel your pain, and I'll probably try to steal any advice you get off of this thread!