OT-Tacky?

[kristilew]

I would then say "It's your birthday, sweetie. Not everyone cares about birthdays. Does Aunt Sally treat you well otherwise? Of course she does. Now stop this selfish pity party!" I probably wouldn't even say "sweetie"

Harsh!? Heck ya! I do NOT want to raise one of those teenagers that are filled with "Woe is me" drama. Lord knows, they then turn into "Woe is me" adults

AMEN!!!! My SIL is 40 and throws a hissy fit every year when she doesn't get special treatment on her birthday. It's in January, so we have to start listening at Christmas about how hard it is to be her, because no one makes a big deal out of a birthday so close to Christmas. And every single year, we have to be reminded of how much it sucked to always have school start back after Christmas break on her birthday. Did I mention that she is 40?

Her brother, my dh, moped the first year we were dating (20+ years ago) that he didn't have his birthday gifts at breakfast, like they always did at home. I told him to get over that right quick if he wanted to stay with me! (I guess he did )

 

[Neelloc]

OK... My DH has 10 sisters, 4 brothers, 13 sis/bro in-laws, 78 neices and nephews....thats not including MY family. Would you still find it grinchy to not send EVERYONE in the family a card?? How would you keep track of it? Christmas is bad enough for me. I am not a grinch, I just don't have the time or the money.

Wow, that's a big family! :lol:

Actually, I was referring to the situation mentioned in the OP. My family is a bit (okay, a lot) smaller than yours, so I don't have the logistical issues you have. However, I'd assume in larger families this is addressed somehow? A dear friend has a a very large family, and they talked about how they recogize birthdays and Christmas.....

I still don't see the harm in this instance with sending the kid a card. I have more to say, but I'll put it in a separate post because it's directed at the whole thread, not at you.

 

[Neelloc]

I still don't see the harm in sending a 10 year old a card for her birthday.

Apparently, the little girl was hoping her friends would still acknowledge her birthday with a card, so Mom sent out the email. I don't see it as helicopter parenting or the child being spoiled or demanding. The kid is 10! I'd like to think that a 10 year old is still innocent enough to think that birthdays are special and deserve to be acknowledged...heck I'm 35 and still enjoy getting a card on my birthday! It saddens me that she's being called "spoiled" and a "princess." Apparently, her birthday is a big deal to her. Why is this so hard for people to swallow? It's not like the mother was asking for presents? This kid will face a lot of harsh lessons and dissapointments in life, why does she have to be taught on her 10th birthday?

Seriously, I have to call my 2 (married, adult) brothers to remind them about my grandparents birthdays. They forget. But if getting a card from her grandkids makes my grandmother happy, then I'll be happy to do it. Nana is crushed if her birthday is forgotten. So, is she going to be called spoiled too?

Some people care about their birthdays, and some don't want the recognition. Obviously, the kid does. Not tacky at all.

 

[Neelloc]

I hope the child doesn't complain/worry about not having a date when she's a teen. Can you imagine the emails the mom may send out then?

Please ask your son to invite my daughter to the school dance. She's worried that she'll be the only girl there without a date

You know, if the kid in the OP was 15 or 16, then I'd feel differently about this. A 16 year old can mention to her friends that her birthday is coming up and hopefully by then a 16 year old would have the wherewithall to acknowledge it on their own, be it with a card, email, text, whatever. I guess I'm returning to the fact that the child in the OP is 10. 6 years is a big difference!!!!

When my DD turned 10 she got to go to the Rolex (world class horse show in Lexington).. If she was going to be crushed if I did not ask people to send her a card I would have questioned my parenting. She will have some disappointments in life...let her learn what the real world is about. This is VERY tacky! She sounds a little over the top in my opinion. My DD was so thrilled with the trip she would not have noticed who sent her a card. Kids don't neeed to be so spoiled.

Was your daughter actually on the trip on her actual birthday? I can see how it's easy to get caught up in the hoopla when you're celebrating while on the trip. The kid in the OP will be back for her actual day. So, maybe it's hard for a 10 year old to see it as "just another day." I don't think it's a parenting thing...again.....why is it necessary to teach kids about life's dissapointments at age 10????

 

[audrabolster]

Either way it's tacky. Who reminds people of a birthday?

 

[pearlieq]

Exactly! Now if you could only convince half the DIS board that they don't have to add little Johnie's or their own birthday ( even though it could be months away ) to every single ADR they plan!

AMEN!

I'll never forget this grown woman who was freaking out that her anniversary wasn't added to all 10+ ADRs she was making for a trip. She couldn't fathom why this taking things just a wee bit too far.

How much outside validation do people really need?

 

[hentob]

again.....why is it necessary to teach kids about life's dissapointments at age 10????

Again...I don't see why anyone (age 10 or 16 or 40) would be disappointed that they "only" got a trip to the Grand Canyon for their birthday

 

[disneyjunkie]

I still don't see the harm in sending a 10 year old a card for her birthday.

Who said it's wrong to give the child a card? Some of us think it's tacky to BEG for the cards.

I don't think it's a parenting thing...again.....why is it necessary to teach kids about life's dissapointments at age 10????

So that they don't grow into adults who aren't able to deal with life's disappointments.

 

[rentayenta]

I haven't read any but the first post. I don't think it's necessarily tacky but I mean really, why does the kid require a whole mailbox full of cards at 10 y/o? She made the fun choice to take a trip and skip having a party. The natural consequence to that would be that you wouldn't get a lot of bday wishes from your friends. I think the mom means well but it's a little much. I think it's okay for children to feel a little unhappiness. Let them learn to cope now at 10 y/o instead of later in life.


Can you say helicopter parent?


ETA: I also think that this is more about mom's guilt than little Susie's feelings.

 

[Neelloc]

Who said it's wrong to give the child a card? Some of us think it's tacky to BEG for the cards.

Where is the mom begging? I think this is just asking. (I added the bolding.)

Ashley's mom sent out an email that said:


"I wanted to ask if your daughters could send her a card for her birthday. we are not asking for gifts but would like her to know that her freinds are thinking of her on her birthday as we will be home on her actual birth date. Please do not send any gifts. Just a card wishing her a happy birthday.

Thanks!

Mona"

I wanted to quote a poster who said they "wouldn't send Princess a card" but it seems I can't find it (and maybe they edited it.)

 

[Neelloc]

Again...I don't see why anyone (age 10 or 16 or 40) would be disappointed that they "only" got a trip to the Grand Canyon for their birthday

You know, I'm not 10 anymore. I do remember being 10, and at 10, having a birthday and having it acknowleged with a card, a phone call, a "Happy Birthday" or whatever was more important to me then than it is now at 35. Kids are forced to grow up so quickly now (heck, I played with Barbie til I was 15 :lol: ) and are exposed to so much now at a younger age, that I don't see the harm in what the Mom did. My girls are 6 and 4, and if I can keep the magic of things alive for them (being birthdays, or Disney Characters, or what not) alive, then why not?

Again, yes, while I am sure a 10 year old can comprehend that that she got a fab trip for her birthday, she'd still like to hear it from her friends. At 10, the friends might forget the actual day of a party was not involved. Again, the kid is 10. It's not helicopter parenting, it's not putting them in a bubble, it's not lack of self esteem. It's childhood!

I'm in no hurry for my kids to "grow up" and face the harsh realities. Yes, life lessons can be learned at 10. But does "no one else but you cares about your birthday" have to be one of them? Save that for when they turn 15!!!!

 

[zazu1971]

She wanted a big trip instead of a party--not having your friends around for your birthday was the tradeoff.

Actually, what I want to know is did the DD want the trip instead of the party or did the family want the trip and since they were going decided no party because of the timing?
As someone who's family have a ton of summer bdays, I saw it happen all the time. My sis birthday always got overshadowed by a camping trip someone wanted to take, or a trip to do _______. It wasn't that those weren't nice events..but all the rest of us got to go too, and we got parties on our birthdays as well.

I don't think sending the little girl a card is a bad thing...especially if maybe she really in her heart of hearts is going to miss her friends terribly while she's gone. 10 is certainly old enough to realize the world doens't revolve around her, but she's still a little girl, and little girls have very tender hearts (middle school is looming and it's a tough summer for many kids)

 

[pearlieq]

Where is the mom begging? I think this is just asking. (I added the bolding.)

The term "begging" is in the eye of the beholder. Some see inappropriate "asking" as "begging". Or, it could have just been someone's attempt to use more colorful, evocative language.

The kernal of the nut, for most people that object, I think, is that the asking is inappropriate.

The child is not being deprived of anything and is in fact being treated to a vacation for her birthday. For her to receive that lavish gift and still want more, and for her mom to go out and solicit for her, is distasteful to many people.

No one here objects to cards and good wishes on a birthday. They object to people feeling entitled to them and shaking others down to get them.

I don't know how else to explain it. As is the normal way of these threads, folks usually have their own opinions and never the twain shall meet.

On that note, I just finished a big project at work yesterday. I think I'm going to send an email out to all of my co-workers asking them to send me a note to congratulate me on my accomplishment. After all, it won't take them long to do it and it won't cost a cent, and I totaly rocked that project. I'm sure they'll appreciate the reminder!

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

My daughter just turned 10. She is used to having that "summer birthday" that goes unnoticed by classmates since she obviously isn't bringing in cupcakes to school or having kids sing Happy Birthday to her. Personally, I would never ask anyone to send my daughter any birthday wishes. I also don't believe that this mother was in any way actually asking for presents. It's something I have never heard of anyone doing.......just different I guess. Maybe that is why it can be interpreted in so many ways.....because we aren't used to seeing anything like this.

 

[lovesmurfs]

My daughter just turned 10. She is used to having that "summer birthday" that goes unnoticed by classmates since she obviously isn't bringing in cupcakes to school or having kids sing Happy Birthday to her.

Actually, for my summer birthday DD (just turned 9), we've always been able to bring in cupcakes -- I just send word to the teacher we're celebrating it on XX day. Usually toward the end of the school year.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I usually balk at "etiquette" gaffes, but this one is a little different than putting a registry on a shower invitation or requesting monetary gifts only. It's just a mom, asking for a card for her kid's birthday. The child is afraid her friends will forget because she is not having them over for a party. What is the big deal? This is not an opportunity for the child to learn a lesson in disappointment, just a mom asking a favor. Jeez, some people are pretty harsh on these boards.

The mom said TWICE not to give a gift. There is nothing blatant about this, it almost sounded like it kind of embarrassed the mom to ask, guess she was thinking she might run into some of the mindsets like the ones posted here.

not a big deal, I would have my kid make a card and mail it so she had it on her birthday..41 cents to make a kids day..great deal!

 

[TotalSnowWhite]

Honestly, I have never had to

My children are 9,9, & 10. They are happy with the birthday cards they get and never keep a tally on those that didn't send one

Again, I would question my parenting skills if they did. Between trips to Build-A Bear, bowling alleys, restaurants, cake at home, etc.--I would think I was raising a total selfish brat if one of my children said "Hey--Aunt Sally didn't send me a card!"

I would then say "It's your birthday, sweetie. Not everyone cares about birthdays. Does Aunt Sally treat you well otherwise? Of course she does. Now stop this selfish pity party!" I probably wouldn't even say "sweetie"

Harsh!? Heck ya! I do NOT want to raise one of those teenagers that are filled with "Woe is me" drama. Lord knows, they then turn into "Woe is me" adults

That's great that your kids get to do those things!! I wish all kids were just as lucky. The truth is, we don't know the background of this family. The GC trip could have been a once-in-a-lifetime trip (great for a birthday, if that's what she wanted to do...well, even if not), but it still doesn't replace the thoughts of friends. I am 99% sure that mom asking for birthday cards once (again, don't know this family's background or if this has happened more than once) will not turn DD into a drama queen. Thinking everyone doesn't care about her birthday might, though.

Ok haven't read all the replies ( feeling guilty I have dirty dishes waiting for me) Anyway I think the sentiment was fine behind the e-mail the execution was off. Ok here is what I mean. I would have asked if people were willing to send birthday cards early so she could have a card shower on her birthday. This is the thought. You have everyone send cards, usually to a different address, stick them in 1 big envelope and give them to her on her birthday to open. We did this for my in-laws for an aniversary, they were going on a trip and leaving from SIL's house. All the cards were sent to SIL and when her DH dropped Mom and Dad off at the airport said. "Here this is for you" They spent their extra time in the airport and the flight opening up all the good wishes. They still talk about it today.

Oooh! Fun idea!

Either way it's tacky. Who reminds people of a birthday?

Isn't that essentially what invitations are doing? Here's little Ashley's Dora invitation, her birthday is coming, you know she likes Dora now, Dora presents are encouraged.

Also, I know the dates of my family's birthdays, and that's it. Does that mean I don't care about my friends' birthdays? Absolutely not, despite what hentob assumes. As ridiculous as it is, I rely on Facebook or reminders from others that so-and-so's birthday is coming up soon.

I haven't read any but the first post. I don't think it's necessarily tacky but I mean really, why does the kid require a whole mailbox full of cards at 10 y/o? She made the fun choice to take a trip and skip having a party. The natural consequence to that would be that you wouldn't get a lot of bday wishes from your friends. I think the mom means well but it's a little much. I think it's okay for children to feel a little unhappiness. Let them learn to cope now at 10 y/o instead of later in life.


Can you say helicopter parent?


ETA: I also think that this is more about mom's guilt than little Susie's feelings.

Again, we don't know that she made the choice to go on the trip and skip having a party. That very well could have been a family decision, and she had little say in the matter. I hope that's not the case, though.

You know, I'm not 10 anymore. I do remember being 10, and at 10, having a birthday and having it acknowleged with a card, a phone call, a "Happy Birthday" or whatever was more important to me then than it is now at 35. Kids are forced to grow up so quickly now (heck, I played with Barbie til I was 15 :lol: ) and are exposed to so much now at a younger age, that I don't see the harm in what the Mom did. My girls are 6 and 4, and if I can keep the magic of things alive for them (being birthdays, or Disney Characters, or what not) alive, then why not?

Again, yes, while I am sure a 10 year old can comprehend that that she got a fab trip for her birthday, she'd still like to hear it from her friends. At 10, the friends might forget the actual day of a party was not involved. Again, the kid is 10. It's not helicopter parenting, it's not putting them in a bubble, it's not lack of self esteem. It's childhood!

I'm in no hurry for my kids to "grow up" and face the harsh realities. Yes, life lessons can be learned at 10. But does "no one else but you cares about your birthday" have to be one of them? Save that for when they turn 15!!!!

Did we write the same post? I totally agree!

The term "begging" is in the eye of the beholder. Some see inappropriate "asking" as "begging". Or, it could have just been someone's attempt to use more colorful, evocative language.

The kernal of the nut, for most people that object, I think, is that the asking is inappropriate.

The child is not being deprived of anything and is in fact being treated to a vacation for her birthday. For her to receive that lavish gift and still want more, and for her mom to go out and solicit for her, is distasteful to many people.

No one here objects to cards and good wishes on a birthday. They object to people feeling entitled to them and shaking others down to get them.

I don't know how else to explain it. As is the normal way of these threads, folks usually have their own opinions and never the twain shall meet.

On that note, I just finished a big project at work yesterday. I think I'm going to send an email out to all of my co-workers asking them to send me a note to congratulate me on my accomplishment. After all, it won't take them long to do it and it won't cost a cent, and I totaly rocked that project. I'm sure they'll appreciate the reminder!

Congrats on finishing your project!! Especially on a Thursday! Makes Friday a little nicer, doesn't it?

My daughter just turned 10. She is used to having that "summer birthday" that goes unnoticed by classmates since she obviously isn't bringing in cupcakes to school or having kids sing Happy Birthday to her. Personally, I would never ask anyone to send my daughter any birthday wishes. I also don't believe that this mother was in any way actually asking for presents. It's something I have never heard of anyone doing.......just different I guess. Maybe that is why it can be interpreted in so many ways.....because we aren't used to seeing anything like this.

Very possible. People are scared of the unfamiliar.




So, I'm going to ask again if anyone thinks it's tacky that service men and women's families and friends ask that others send them cards for special occasions?

Also, would it make a difference if it was someone else that requested cards be sent to the birthday girl? Say, a sister or aunt? There seems to be a lot of criticism towards mom for potentially raising a spoiled brat (talk about jumping the gun based on one teeny, tiny snippet of their lives), so if someone not raising the child had asked, would it be different?

 

[zazu1971]

Again, I would question my parenting skills if they did. Between trips to Build-A Bear, bowling alleys, restaurants, cake at home, etc.--I would think I was raising a total selfish brat if one of my children said "Hey--Aunt Sally didn't send me a card!"

I would then say "It's your birthday, sweetie. Not everyone cares about birthdays. Does Aunt Sally treat you well otherwise? Of course she does. Now stop this selfish pity party!" I probably wouldn't even say "sweetie"


but honestly, what if the card from Aunt Sally was the one she was especially looking forward to? I know that I always loved the cards I got from my uncle Mark. THe one year it didn't arrive and I was disappointed. Turned out he was out of town on business, but it DID matter to me. I think I was about 8... and I wasn't a spoiled child, I was afraid he was mad at me for some reason.

 

[TotalSnowWhite]

but honestly, what if the card from Aunt Sally was the one she was especially looking forward to? I know that I always loved the cards I got from my uncle Mark. THe one year it didn't arrive and I was disappointed. Turned out he was out of town on business, but it DID matter to me. I think I was about 8... and I wasn't a spoiled child, I was afraid he was mad at me for some reason.

No, you were just a princess.


No, not really, but I wanted to comment on your name without being totally OT. DS loves Lion King, and for some reason he could never remember Zazu's name. He called him (and still does, occasionally) Azul for the longest time.

 

[zazu1971]

So, I'm going to ask again if anyone thinks it's tacky that service men and women's families and friends ask that others send them cards for special occasions?


I don't think so.. but I didn't think it was tacky of the mom either. I like sending cards, and my hubby is retired military. Believe me every snippet of life here is a big moment when they are so far away from home, especially when our military is so often very young. I say cards for everyone!!!