OT: MIL hate your kids?

[momto3inmn]

I think we have the same MIL! We have 3 kids, and since they they were born, the handfull of times we have asked MIL and FIL to watch them, MIL always had some sort of excuse to why they couldn't (FIL doesn't like to go out on weeknights, or how they can't watch the girls beacuse MIL has to go get her hair done, etc.) I told DH that MIL just doesn't like the kids. He finally agreed with me when he asked her to babysit a couple years ago and she said, "I don't like to beacuse it is too boring and there is nothing in it for me!" It is sad beacuse the kids are starting to notice her behavior. Glad the rest of the family isn't like that!

 

[bwatlas]

I am the OP. Thanks for all of the input, and for those of you in similar situations, I am sorry.

We are not taking DD for a number of reasons. She was going to stay with my mom(who absolutely adores her grandkids) for 5 days and MIL for 3 days. DH and I wanted to give MIL a chance to watch DD.

Anyhow, plans have changed as of this morning. My loving parents will be keeping DD for the entire week and are thrilled.

I don't think MIL is maliciuos(sp), she is just bitter and self absorbed.

Glad your plans have changed to make you more comfortable and hopefully you'll enjoy your trip now!

 

[MICKEY4EVER!]

Yep, I can totally relate here!

My MIL lives 10 MINUTES away from us, and we only see her two or three times a year, at best. She doesn't have the desire to come and see us or call us, and if we want to see her, we have to go to her home. That's not a problem, but we want her to feel welcome in our house, as well.

She keeps DSIL's two girls nearly every weekend, and passes right by our house to get to theirs, yet she doesn't stop to see DS4. When we do talk to her, she doesn't ask about him or how he's doing. We send her pictures of him by email, she doesn't comment or respond. She's very self absorbed also and feels sorry for herself most of the time.

I don't have any pity for someone who cannot or will not make an effort to improve their life. It's her fault she doesn't see DS4 and she can make the effort to be a part of his life, or she can sit back on her fanny and wait for him to come to her. That's laziness, as far as I am concerned. She makes the effort to spend time with her two grand-daughters. Why isn't DS4 good enough for her time? I will never know the answer to this question. I've accepted her for who she is - frankly, not someone I care to be around.

And yes, she does question DS4 and why he isn't doing some things yet that she thinks he needs to be doing. Hello! Some kids develop at different rates. She has criticized me and my parenting, she has lit up a cigarette in his face, knowing full well he has a touch of asthma and I don't approve. She has never done that in front of her other granddaughters, but she has respect for their mother (her daughter). She has no respect for me.

I'm sorry you're going thru this, too. It stinks, it really does! But you have to remember, it's her loss, not yours. If she can live with it, then you can live without it. That's my motto!

 

[disney_family_1247]

I feel your pain.

My sister is very loud and in-you-face. My son is shy and reserved. He has disliked being around her since he was six months old. He would cry whenever she held him, and still acts serious and nervous around her (he's six years old now). One New Years Eve at my parents' house, the older kids were going outside with dh to use firecrackers. My son doesn't like the noise, so he stayed inside with me. Since his aunt was there, he was being extra shy. She leaned across the table and said loudly, "Don't you think he might be "special"?" I was so angry that I didn't know what to say. What kind of person thinks it's okay to imply that a child is special needs like that? It would be one thing to have a serious conversation about real symptoms, but to say it like it's a terrible thing that only she has noticed was beyond obnoxious.

Family can suck sometimes. If your MIL doesn't cut it out soon, tell her not to come over. You don't want your son to pick up on her feelings towards him. I would also never let someone like that babysit my baby...

 

[badblackpug]

Some people are just not "kid people." It may not be personal. Maybe it has just been so many years since she had little ones under foot, that she just forgets what it was like.
Believe me, my mother has very different "memories" of our childhood than we do! Nothing malicious, she just seems to remember things as being "better" than we think they really were. We remember being holy terrors, (1 ADHD, 1 ADD! ) but she seems to remember us as saints!

"My kids NEVER did that!"

 

[naomi78155]

Yep, I can totally relate here!

If she can live with it, then you can live without it. That's my motto!

Love your motto, and may need to adopt it as if it were my own.

DFIL completely adored DS and even though he did not live close, he made it a point to be a big part of DS life. He passed last summer and I feel so bad that DD did not get to know him.
I agree that MIL is missing out, the sad thing though is that she doesn't even realize it.

 

[SLK1]

We can ALL learn from these situations!!! We can learn to NEVER behave this way toward our own kids' kids. But, never say never either...

 

[MICKEY4EVER!]

Love your motto, and may need to adopt it as if it were my own.

DFIL completely adored DS and even though he did not live close, he made it a point to be a big part of DS life. He passed last summer and I feel so bad that DD did not get to know him.
I agree that MIL is missing out, the sad thing though is that she doesn't even realize it.

I have to remind myself of this motto from time to time in many situations, not just MIL. Sometimes you just can't help what other people do. It's sad b/c if you're like me, you try to do what's right and be kind, but some people don't want it that way.

I'm sorry DD didn't get to know DIL. He sounds really wonderful.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Yep, I can totally relate here!

My MIL lives 10 MINUTES away from us, and we only see her two or three times a year, at best. She doesn't have the desire to come and see us or call us, and if we want to see her, we have to go to her home. That's not a problem, but we want her to feel welcome in our house, as well.

She keeps DSIL's two girls nearly every weekend, and passes right by our house to get to theirs, yet she doesn't stop to see DS4. When we do talk to her, she doesn't ask about him or how he's doing. We send her pictures of him by email, she doesn't comment or respond. She's very self absorbed also and feels sorry for herself most of the time.

I don't have any pity for someone who cannot or will not make an effort to improve their life. It's her fault she doesn't see DS4 and she can make the effort to be a part of his life, or she can sit back on her fanny and wait for him to come to her. That's laziness, as far as I am concerned. She makes the effort to spend time with her two grand-daughters. Why isn't DS4 good enough for her time? I will never know the answer to this question. I've accepted her for who she is - frankly, not someone I care to be around.

And yes, she does question DS4 and why he isn't doing some things yet that she thinks he needs to be doing. Hello! Some kids develop at different rates. She has criticized me and my parenting, she has lit up a cigarette in his face, knowing full well he has a touch of asthma and I don't approve. She has never done that in front of her other granddaughters, but she has respect for their mother (her daughter). She has no respect for me.

I'm sorry you're going thru this, too. It stinks, it really does! But you have to remember, it's her loss, not yours. If she can live with it, then you can live without it. That's my motto!

Your MIL sounds like mine. If we dropped off the face of the Earth, she wouldn't know it until Christmas. At one point when our younger ds was 2 and had many ear infections, dh asked her to babysit as we had missed so much time from work. They've both been retired for many years so it's not like they're soooo busy. I had already been suspended and couldn't miss another day. When asked to babysit, MIL told dh, "You know I already raised my kids." She still did babysit but he never told me until I overheard him chatting with his brother one New Year's Eve, dBIL's fam was visiting our house. They couldn't understand how their parents loved being grandparents right up until our kids were born, BIL's kids included. These 4 grandchildren just don't excite them like the earlier ones. It's not like I asked them to babysit full time while we work.
I was so stunned to hear dh say this and later that night told him I will never, ever burden his mom with babysitting her grandchildren. If I lose my job and we have to live in a cardboard box I will still not ask her to babysit!
It's been 7 yrs since I overheard that comment and still haven't asked.
When we get together for family events, we get along fine but I can't help but feel bad for my kids, missing out on a relationship that could be so good.

Thank God my parents would kick our door down if too much time passes w/o seeing them. They take them to the shore on weekends, fishing, beach, etc. They love dad's lawn tractor and he rides them all over the yard.
My parents come on Disney cruises with us and to WDW w/us. My dad even rode Space & Splash Mountain and Mission Space with ds's, just to not hurt their feelings by saying no. I begged him not to as he's mid60's w/ back and neck problems.
After all these years I finally asked dh why not invite his parents on our next Dis. cruise as I know they like to cruise. They said they would but not a Dis. cruise. Fuggeddaboudit!!!

 

[MICKEY4EVER!]

ruadisneyfan2:

I'm glad that your parents are so good with your children. They will thrive in the undeniable love and attention they get from their GP's. My parents are some better by DS4 than MIL, but they think he's not very well behaved, given our trip in March with them. And after spending that time with him in WDW, I can see that they have shied away. Perhaps that is just my imagination, but I feel that they have backed off some. He behaved HORRIBLY while we were there. This is not normal behavior for my child, but he was overwhelmed and a bit jealous of DNiece, I think.

They even suggested therapy for anger issues, but I don't think its come to that yet. He's four, he needs to grow out of the tantrum stage.

I think it will pass in time, but I think sometimes DP's expect more from their children and grandchildren and are disappointed to realize that they aren't perfect. I think MIL's can be jealous of their DS's wives and it is negatively reflected onto the grandchildren. At least I think that's what happened in my situation. I married MIL's favorite son. She tried to make me pay for taking her favorite boy away, instead of embracing me as an addition to the family.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

ruadisneyfan2:

I'm glad that your parents are so good with your children. They will thrive in the undeniable love and attention they get from their GP's. My parents are some better by DS4 than MIL, but they think he's not very well behaved, given our trip in March with them. And after spending that time with him in WDW, I can see that they have shied away. Perhaps that is just my imagination, but I feel that they have backed off some. He behaved HORRIBLY while we were there. This is not normal behavior for my child, but he was overwhelmed and a bit jealous of DNiece, I think.

They even suggested therapy for anger issues, but I don't think its come to that yet. He's four, he needs to grow out of the tantrum stage.

I think it will pass in time, but I think sometimes DP's expect more from their children and grandchildren and are disappointed to realize that they aren't perfect. I think MIL's can be jealous of their DS's wives and it is negatively reflected onto the grandchildren. At least I think that's what happened in my situation. I married MIL's favorite son. She tried to make me pay for taking her favorite boy away, instead of embracing me as an addition to the family.

Let's hope we're not that way with our DILs.

 

[MICKEY4EVER!]

Let's hope we're not that way with our DILs.

I've always said that I would never be this way, but as one poster said "Never say never!"

I can tell you that no matter what I felt about my DIL, I would stop at nothing to see my grandbabies.

 

[disneybridetobe]

I am the OP. Thanks for all of the input, and for those of you in similar situations, I am sorry.

We are not taking DD for a number of reasons. She was going to stay with my mom(who absolutely adores her grandkids) for 5 days and MIL for 3 days. DH and I wanted to give MIL a chance to watch DD.

Anyhow, plans have changed as of this morning. My loving parents will be keeping DD for the entire week and are thrilled.

I don't think MIL is maliciuos(sp), she is just bitter and self absorbed.

I'm glad your parents are going to have your DD the whole week. I think you'll miss her a ton, but I'm glad she'll be with your parents!

I don't think my grandmother liked me a whole lot, either. My mom and aunt keep making excuses about it, but her world revolved around my cousin. She definitely favored my aunt over my mom, too. Sad.

Your poor little dude. I'd try your best to put a stop to it asap.

Have fun on your trip! Glad you won't have to worry about DD!

 

[disneybridetobe]

I've always said that I would never be this way, but as one poster said "Never say never!"

I can tell you that no matter what I felt about my DIL, I would stop at nothing to see my grandbabies.

Exactly!! Even if my DIL (if I ever have one!) was the wicked witch of the west I'd still love my grandbabies to pieces. I'm still a fairly new mom, and I can't wait to have grandbabies!!

 

[sueh]

I swear up and down that my ex mil doesn't like my kids.

Well she didn't like me from the start but I thought that things would be different towards her grandchildren. When I was pregnant with dd1 she didn't even come to my baby shower. We got a that's nice when we told them the news that I was pregnant. My ex thought that she would be delighted to know that we were having her 1st granddaughter. Nope. Then when I was in labor with dd2 we asked her to watch dd1 and she told us no and bring her to the hospital with us . She would complain to everyone how we never asked her to babysit. I really didn't and won't leave my kids with her anytime. She would drive out of state at the drop of a hat to see her grandsons but would never come 20 minutes to see her granddaughters.
The straw that broke the camels back was last July. It was my girls 1st trip to Disney and my ex came. He invited his mother. She was jerk. She was miserable. By day 2 I was in tears. When we got home she told my ex how my girls were animals and disrespectful. What? My kids are no angels but she hardly saw them all week. She stayed at the pool or she was at the bar
My ex's Aunt & Uncle have been an active part in my girls life. They do not have any grandchildren so they treat my girls as such.

I am sorry that you have to deal with that kind of behavior.

The crappy part for me is that my mother died when I was young so that is the only grandmother my girls know and she is a real pill.

 

[stahshee]

I have to say this makes me normal


My mom is this way. She is a holiday (if that) grandma.. She could give 2 hoots about her grandchildren. She spends no time with them and then turns around and complains that her grandchildren do not call her(the youngest is 2) The oldest is 18... So I dont know what her issue is. She is 70 but she acts like shes 100. I do not think she likes kids She had a fit when we had more than one child she acted like it was the worst we could do. She treats my one brother who has one like he is great (kind of gives a hoot about that child but not really)...We have been told many times that we can not come over because her cats get scared.. My dh is like what is wrong with your mom

My dad loves his grandchildren always goes with us to Disney loves to spend time with them. He will alwys help out for my sisiter.

 

[2disneyboys]

I agree w/ several posters about some GP just not being "kids' People as I see that on a regular basis.

However, I'm mostly concerned w/ the favortism parts of it. You & DH need to have a discussion about what your (the 2 of you) expectations are and assuming you are on the same page, have a discussion w/ your MIL making sure it is clear to her that you will not tolerate favoritism. It's great that FIL steps in and takes up the slack, however, your children will both sense MIL's attidude as they get older and it's just an unfair situation for them to be in, however, it's something that you & DH have to settle. She may or may not be doing it intentionally, however, it needs to be CLEAR on what you will accept and not accept. Then back up your choice.. don' just state it and let it go. g/l to you as family issues are the worst ones.. all that "blood" makes things messy at times.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I am the OP. Thanks for all of the input, and for those of you in similar situations, I am sorry.

We are not taking DD for a number of reasons. She was going to stay with my mom(who absolutely adores her grandkids) for 5 days and MIL for 3 days. DH and I wanted to give MIL a chance to watch DD.

Anyhow, plans have changed as of this morning. My loving parents will be keeping DD for the entire week and are thrilled.

I don't think MIL is maliciuos(sp), she is just bitter and self absorbed.

I think that's probably the right choice, you'll enjoy yourself a lot more.

My MIL does her best, but does not like to watch our DD's at all. I can count on one hand the times they've babysat. FIL tows the party line and is currently in hot water with her for volunteering to watch the girls for a friday afternoon-sat-sun morning this fall for our 16th wedding anniversary. At every opportunity MIL mentions what an imposition it is that FIL "has" to do this for us (he volunteered). At this point we figure it's 50-50 she manages to bully him out of it and we bring the girls with us, which is fine, we're prepared.

Once, when we lived about a mile away, I drove by her house to ask her if she could take older DD to her dance lesson (about 3 miles away) while I brought younger DD to the pediatrician because she was running a high fever and was miserable (she had strep). MIL paused, (she was raking the front lawn) and said, "No thanks, I want to finish working on the yard."

At the time I was really mad about it, now I just don't care that much. The bummer thing is, I don't think my DD's particularly care for her, either, and from my perspective, that's the *real* tragedy, because I LOVED my grandma, and she was the best. But I do understand that MIL has her limitations, and I don't punish her for those-she does her best and we appreciate what she is able to give.

I just hope to be a fantastic grandma myself, someday .

 

[MICKEY4EVER!]

At the time I was really mad about it, now I just don't care that much. The bummer thing is, I don't think my DD's particularly care for her, either, and from my perspective, that's the *real* tragedy, because I LOVED my grandma, and she was the best.

I feel that way about my MIL, too. My DS4 doesn't seem to care for MIL, either. When she does get around my son, she tries to hug on him and kiss him, and seems irritated when he pulls away. Hello! He doesn't know you!

It's her own fault. And it is sad that he doesn't like her (he says so) because I, like you, loved my grandmother dearly. It broke my heart when she died. I was pregnant with DS4 and it saddens me that he never got to meet her.

 

[pianogirl73]

My in laws do love both kids but they have done some really questionable things. They don't live near us and have to take a plane ride to see us and FIL hates coming to visit during DS's birthday because it is too cold. I wouldn't have a problem with it except that they insist on coming for DD's birthday. This is not a money issue since they usually come 2 to 3 times a year to visit. I explained to them how it would make DS feel and he could not understand. Finally, DH had to tell them if they didn't come for one they were not welcome for the other. He told him that we understood his reasoning, but if he couldn't come for both birthdays, to come at a completely different time so that neither child woud feel bad. As I said, DH had the talk with them but FIL chooses to throw in a snide comment to me all the time about how I think he is traumatizing my children.