OT: MIL hate your kids?

[naomi78155]

I swear my MIL can not stand DS 4. He is the absolute sweetest, kind-hearted and caring boy ever. He is very smart, and a wonderful big brother to DD 1.

He does very well in preschool and will be starting kindergarten in the fall. He can get "excited" and sometimes act a little rambunctious (what 4 year old boy doesn' every once in a while?). He sits through church and has a great attention span.

Every time MIL comes over (lives 30 mins away and we see her once/month) she suggests that DS should be medicated for hyperactivity!
My DSis is a school nurse and MIL told her "Don't you think there is something seriously wrong with Dnephew?" DSis said, no he is just 4 and has a few roudy moments (one per week).
MIL raised 2 DS and I know that they were not statues, but typical boys.

I think MIL doesn't like DS and it really makes me mad. She hardly knows him. She doesn't know who he is, what he likes, what he eats or anything.

MIL is supposed to keep DD 1 when we leave for Disney and now I want to tell her to just forget it.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks.

 

[susykt4]

This isn't quite the same, but my mother has serious issues with my six-year-old son. DD8 was her first grandchild and my mom was furious with me for "ruining DD's life" by having a second child when she was two. Mom was crazy about DD, but pretended to be afraid of DS from the moment he was born. It blew my mind because she would literally flinch in "fear" every time she saw my darling baby boy. She would babysit DD, but not DS. She would bring DD souvies from vacations but didn't start bringing DS anything until he was ~3 and she "had" to. She has gotten a little better over the years, but whenever she wants to have a special day with grandchildren that means she takes my daughter only.

It took a few years, but my dad finally picked up on mom's weirdness toward my son and took it upon himself to try to make up for it. He takes my son out for special days and makes sure that if DD has a gift DS has one as well. It drives me nuts because I know my dad would like to have more special alone time with my daughter also, but kind of holds back on her because he knows my mom will never have any one-on-one time with my son.

DS is sweet and cuddly and generally better behaved than his sister. Mom is crazy about all three of my brother's children (including one boy) so her awful weirdness is directed only at my son. It sucks.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I could not enjoy a trip knowing that someone with that perspective was caring for my child. Take her along. Protect your children from her negative view of little boys.

 

[Lorix2]

I could not enjoy a trip knowing that someone with that perspective was caring for my child. Take her along. Protect your children from her negative view of little boys.

I agree. I think you should take your youngest, you'd probably miss her too much to enjoy yourself. Besides, sounds like MIL would love to tell you what's wrong with DD when you get home after spending so much time with her.

Sorry you've been made to feel this way. Hope you have a great vacation

 

[brymolmom]

WOW - I am SO SORRY for your situation. And the other posters' as well. That must be awful. It would almost be fine if a grandma just didn't 'take' with any young children - but to specifically single one out!!! HORRIBLE!!! I honestly don't know what I would do but I would have a very difficult time spending much quality time with her.

I thought I had it bad - but not nearly as bad as some of you. My MIL is older (my grandmother's age) - my dh is 11 years older than I am party atttibutes to that. Anyway - my kids are her 19th and 20th grandchildren. We tried for over 2 years to get pregnant with ds - and were ECSTATIC when we could share the news with everyone. Well...let's just say 'that's nice' was about the extent of her enthusiasm. She lives about an hour away and we don't see her as much as we should (just due to busy schedules, not intentionally), but she does LIKE to see the kids, but she is pretty obvious that she truly wants to see my dh (her 'favorite' son ). It is kind of funny because my own mother and stepfather(who live 10 min away and we see several times a week) - LIVE FOR the kids. If they never saw me it wouldn't hurt them - as long as they have my babies. So I guess at least they get that kind of 'grandparent love' on one side.

Let me also add that my MIL isn't a bad or mean person - she is just from a VERY different generation. And her actions just don't make sense to me sometimes.

 

[crisi]

Some people don't like kids - it might not be anything personal about your son - she probably didn't enjoy her own at that age. She may turn out to be a great person for your son when he is fourteen because she clicks with teens. Some people LOVE babies, hate preschoolers. My mother in law had little interest in my kids as toddlers, but has much more fun with them now as elementary school kids. Or maybe she will just be one of those self absorbed people who just doesn't ever really like her grandkids.

I grew up with a self absorbed grandmother. And my advice is for you to learn to just deal with it without resentment - your kids will pick up on the resentment and start resenting the behavior themselves. Accept it for what it is. She isn't likely to change and resentment doesn't make it any more pleasant.

You have my sympathies.

 

[2Kds2K9]

Are we related?

Sounds just like my MIL. She would criticize everything my kids did. Yet, my SILs kids, her DD's kids, could do no wrong. Very frustrating. I would cringe everytime she'd comment that I needed to "train" my kids. (You teach kids, and train animals.) ARGH.

My MIL used to comment that her kids were always good and never got into any trouble. (wrong. DH told me ALL the stories.)

I came up with a theory. Ya know how they say that if you experience something in life that is just so horrible, you block it out? Well, I think it was so horrible for her to raise five kids that she's blocked it out!

The only advise I have is to make sure your DH is behind you in how you are raising your kids. If mine wasn't, I would have left a long time ago.

Good luck!

 

[a1tinkfans]

I do not think I would leave behind a child with someone that already had issues with my family. In addition, I would not even consider leaving one family member behind, I have friends that do it all the time and think it is so odd. I just don't get it. If the family can't travel/vacation together why are they going? They say it is too much to watch both kids (yeah they have 2) Well, thats what kids are...KIDS!!

Anyhow, sorry to OP who apparently is feeling angst with the MIL. You do not need to justify your childs behavior to her/us and don't think I would.
In the same token, MIL is "nice enough" for you to ask/give your child too while you go on a vacation, so I guess you have to take the bad (as you see it) with the good. Maybe she "sees" something that you don't, maybe she says it wrong but is truly concerned ??? or maybe she is just too old or stuck in her ways to deal with young, healthy kids that "act up" in front of her, who knows, boys will be boys and I think I'd rethink my plans with her.....
Best of luck in your situation, family.....can't live with'em and can't live without'em

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why would you leave your child with this person? I would never leave my child with anyone who treats any of my children badly. That is just reinforcing the person's behavior and if you don't think your children will pick up on it then you are wrong. The same goes for the other poster with the MIL who was mean to her son. Why would you even allow this behavior to continue? Trust me, those kids know that Mom and Dad think it is okay for them to be treated that way no matter how you tell yourself differently.

My grandmother was never nice to my sister. Never. Not from day 1. To this day we have no idea why. My parents did their best to keep the peace and not rock the boat but we all knew that grandma liked me better. I hated that and so did my sister. Thankfully we stuck together and never blamed each other for it. We concluded that she was nuts. To this day, even though we know why Mom and Dad never stepped in to stop it and we understand why, (and don't blame them)we still wish that they did. It just got worse over the years. We both no longer speak to our grandmother. (due to many things)

So no, I would never ever tolerate anyone treating my children in such a way. I certainly would not be letting them babysit.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I do not think I would leave behind a child with someone that already had issues with my family. In addition, I would not even consider leaving one family member behind, I have friends that do it all the time and think it is so odd. I just don't get it. If the family can't travel/vacation together why are they going? They say it is too much to watch both kids (yeah they have 2) Well, thats what kids are...KIDS!!
Anyhow, sorry to OP who apparently is feeling angst with the MIL. You do not need to justify your childs behavior to her/us and don't think I would.
In the same token, MIL is "nice enough" for you to ask/give your child too while you go on a vacation, so I guess you have to take the bad (as you see it) with the good. Maybe she "sees" something that you don't, maybe she says it wrong but is truly concerned ??? or maybe she is just too old or stuck in her ways to deal with young, healthy kids that "act up" in front of her, who knows, boys will be boys and I think I'd rethink my plans with her.....
Best of luck in your situation, family.....can't live with'em and can't live without'em

I bolded. I agree with this 100%. I don't understand why you can't or won't take the child with you?

 

[Mickeypooh99]

Please don't leave your baby with her. A 1 year old will have a wonderful time at Disney. We took my boys when they were 1 and 2. It was the best trip we have had yet. I would never leave my child with someone like that. I would be worried the whole time, and I would want my kids with me anyway. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. My own mom seems to favor my niece over her 4 grandsons, but she still loves all the kids. I think its just that DN is the only girl.

 

[DISNEYNV]

My parents love both of my kids ( they are their only grandchildren), but they do call them wild and hyper! I know that they are both spirited kids at times (especially my one and a half year old DS). They prefer my DD who is four though. I feel bad everytime my mom says I have to control them or punish them when I try my best to discipline them without punishment (smacking is just not my thing as a parent). They smacked us and I guess they feel I should do the same?

They are in no way mean or resentful to my kids though and in my opinion they spoil them to death and feed in on their behaviors that they critize us for at times! I feel sorry for your situation with DS but it us really your MILs loss! If she does not want to be a part of your sons life I feel bad for him also though especially if DD is doted upon by her. I would make sure he knows that he did nothing wrong and that it's not his fault. Sometimes kids will blame themselves and I would hate to see that happen.

I Would not leave your DS with them while you are on vacation! Take him with you and you will have a much more relaxed time without wondering how MIL is handling things while you are gone. I wouldn't want to have to stress out like that on vacation. It would be better if you take both of your kids and have a great time with your family and forget MIL!!!!!

 

[tmarquez]

I think my grandmother was like this towards my brother. I am 10 years older than him and we have different fathers. I didn't really notice when I was a kid too much...but looking back I can see it now. I think in her case she just didn't like his father AT ALL and so he ended up paying the price for that.

She also favored me to my cousins (we all spent a lot of time at her house). They got blamed for everything...while I could do no wrong. I got more gifts, more attention...I can't explain why. I am the youngest.

Sorry you are going through this as a mom. Sadly, she probably won't change.

 

[ncmomof2]

My MIL has not met two out of our three kids and I am pregnant with a fourth! We are only three hours away (for the last two years before that we were a 20+ hour drive). She has canceled numerous trips to meet them. Oh, and then she planned a six month vacation to Washington in an RV when this one is due.

Sorry about your situations. Don't you just love IL's?

 

[Kit'smommy]

Your child sounds like a normal 4 year old.

I grew up in your little boy's shoes and my advice would be to keep both children well away from your MIL as much as possible if she truly doesn't like your son.

I am the only grandaughter on my dad's side. The 5 boys could do no wrong, but nothing I ever did was right in the eyes of my grandmother. Everything she did was always subtle, but I grew up with a lot of resentment that no child should have to feel. My brother disliked her for the way I was treated even though she practically worshipped him.

I would consider bringing your littlest on vacation anyway. She will have a wonderful time even though she is very young.

Good luck to you.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

This isn't quite the same, but my mother has serious issues with my six-year-old son. DD8 was her first grandchild and my mom was furious with me for "ruining DD's life" by having a second child when she was two. Mom was crazy about DD, but pretended to be afraid of DS from the moment he was born. It blew my mind because she would literally flinch in "fear" every time she saw my darling baby boy. She would babysit DD, but not DS. She would bring DD souvies from vacations but didn't start bringing DS anything until he was ~3 and she "had" to. She has gotten a little better over the years, but whenever she wants to have a special day with grandchildren that means she takes my daughter only.

It took a few years, but my dad finally picked up on mom's weirdness toward my son and took it upon himself to try to make up for it. He takes my son out for special days and makes sure that if DD has a gift DS has one as well. It drives me nuts because I know my dad would like to have more special alone time with my daughter also, but kind of holds back on her because he knows my mom will never have any one-on-one time with my son.

DS is sweet and cuddly and generally better behaved than his sister. Mom is crazy about all three of my brother's children (including one boy) so her awful weirdness is directed only at my son. It sucks.

JMHO but the one to stop all of this is you! Mention that your ds will feel left out and that you're seeing favoritism. Put a stop to it now.
I have 2 boys and could see my dad favoring my oldest ds. Mostly b/c he was the 1st grandson and being older could do more; go fishing w/o me having to go, etc. Little ds would be afraid to go on boat w/o me or to go out in the ocean vs. the bay, etc. Also little ds would get seasick so they'd have to turn back early. (My parents have a shore house w/boats and go every weekend in summer.)
It seemed to my dad, older ds was just more fun to be with. He's also an excellent student, very obedient and resembles our side of family. Little ds is a little more wild, has ADHD, school is much harder for him and needs to be reminded of things multiple times, frustrating my dad.
Little things too like just how I see my dad's face light up to see my older ds but not so much when I visit w/ only younger ds. Also could be seen in his body language; hard to describe.
I told my parents flat out. This can't continue and you must treat them equal; you are hurting little ds.
They're now 12 and almost 9. My dad's very careful and says outloud that whatever one gets, the other does too. even if it's just spare change or some little thing.
I think he just didn't even see it until I said something.

I'm the youngest of 3 and my sister is still scarred from memories that our older brother was soooo favored by our paternal grandparents. They would take my brother to Phillies games, buy him the whole mini Phillies uniform, zillion photos, etc. Took him to WDW when he was 6 and sis was 4 and she remembers them telling her she was too little to come. Wouldn't be so bad if they did another 1 on 1 trip with her when she was 6 too but no; they were so focused on my brother us girls barely existed.
It lessened as we got older but my sis is still very upset in her 40's that my parents allowed it to happen.
She has no fond memories of our late grandfather who passed when I was 13. My brother has tons of great memories and even got gf's car after he died cuz my brother was 17 and could drive.

sorry this is so long.

 

[Colleen27]

My grandmother was that way. She just didn't like little boys, period. She had two granddaughters, and we could do no wrong. She took us shopping often, bought extravagent gifts, etc. But her 4 grandsons? They pretty much had a holidays-only relationship with her (even my brother, and we grew up living a block away from her), and she didn't know any of them well enough to give gifts they'd like. She just wasn't interested in spending time with little boys. She was much the same with her own kids. I don't think she did it deliberately, but she genuinely didn't seem to know how to relate to little boys, had little to no patience with noise and mess, just wasn't well-suited for the fact that boys will be boys.

 

[naomi78155]

I am the OP. Thanks for all of the input, and for those of you in similar situations, I am sorry.

We are not taking DD for a number of reasons. She was going to stay with my mom(who absolutely adores her grandkids) for 5 days and MIL for 3 days. DH and I wanted to give MIL a chance to watch DD.

Anyhow, plans have changed as of this morning. My loving parents will be keeping DD for the entire week and are thrilled.

I don't think MIL is maliciuos(sp), she is just bitter and self absorbed.

 

[whitneyNC]

Your son's teachers, pediatrician and you know best if he has attention issues. Do not leave your baby with her when you go to Disney. It doesn't sound like she enjoys your kids. Not everyone is cut out to be a grandparent, believe me, I know. Have a great time at Disney!

 

[torinsmom]

My sister used to say she thought DS was ADHD and maybe I should talk to the doctor about it. Then we got a kid at our church who WAS ADHD and she never mentioned it again, LOL. There are boys who are very calm and submissive, but most boys are active and loud and just BOYS! Maybe you MIL doesn't like boys as much as girls, but she shouldn't treat her grandchildren any different.

Marsha