OT- infertility and depression

[juliebean]

I really am very sorry you have not been able to have that experience that so often is taken forgranted. I've had close friends go through the same thing and it is very normal to feel cheated.

One thing that I remember as an Ahah sort of moment was talking with an older woman friend who struggled to have one child and always wanted more. She said something to the effect of "we all have disappointments in life, but happiness is being able to still find joy in spite of those things". Maybe a little fortune cookie-ish - but it struck me that life doesn't always give you what you want and whether it is counseling, talking with friends, religion - it's good for all of us to come to terms with that.

Best wishes! No one ever warns you as a young woman that the path to motherhood is not all roses, but I hope you can find peace with your path...

 

[Andrew78]

Do you think that maybe because the oldest is graduating and the other is 14, it's making you feel to a degree as if they don't need you as much, so you have started to focus on losing something, if that makes sense? Which is reminding you of the loss of the children you dream of?

You have 3 children(I think) so of course there is a risk of twins with ivf, as happened to us, but we love having them. So in your situation there could be 5 one day. I proprosed to my wife in front of the Magic Kingdom and we decided we would try for children immediatley that night, it was so exciting, 5 years later, multiple cylces and miscarriages laeter, we had nothing to show for to the point I HATED Disney, kids, my family who had kids, just became a true wreck. We just didn;t know what to do. I told my wife if we gave up I could never die a happy happy person,as I would no be able to mourn the dream of our bio children, people would say "just adopt" well that doesn't cure that dream. Now that she gave birth, it's just been well worth it.

 

[sl_underwood]

I Think that may be part of it Andrew. We have only been a family since 2003 and my oldest is becoming an adult, my 14 year old is pulling away like any healthy teen would and I am feeling lost. I love being a mom and I love being with my kids. I am glad to have them and know if we could have conceived we probably wouldn't if we had conceived but I still can't help but feel like we have missed out on something wonderful. It makes it worse knowing that ppl who do not deserve kids have them everyday.

 

[Andrew78]

Well I certainly understand that and unless anyone has been through what you have, it's hard to understand. I think it's normal and healthy to have feelings of "why me" and" why does this person " who actually may not even be a worthy parent, not have issues.

But one of the best things you can do is to try to not compare yourself or focus on the women who do conceive. I am sure that there are many qualities you have that others would be envious of and wonder why do you have those.

Of course you always have the option to see the specialists and begin a cycle. Yes of course you may get your heart broken, but you can also look back and know you gave it your all. But thats something you 2 can discuss.

My wife had 3 months of bedrest in a hospital, she actually ended up having her shower in the hospital high risk section, not very fun, but like I said, would we do it all over again, yes

 

[deuceswild10]

OP, I'm so sorry you feel this way. Life can be incredibly unfair. But you have your Dh and three kids who I'm sure adore you. I like what someone else posted, in the end all that really matter is that you were loved and loved back.

 

[3pletprincesses]

My wife had 3 months of bedrest in a hospital, she actually ended up having her shower in the hospital high risk section, not very fun, but like I said, would we do it all over again, yes

That was me when I was expecting my triplets but would I do all over again, hell ya. Infertility sucks... really sucks and unless you have walked in those shoes, it's hard to understand. I think the feeling of not being able to fix it makes it the worse.

 

[barnaby1]

My husband and I have a wonderful dd5 but have tried for 3 years to have number 2 without success (I have just turned 42). I have done the 6 months of clomid - heck I couldn't even ovulate on the drugs let alone off!!!!
I find that I am annoyed and frustrated with my own body for not being able to do what I know it has already done once and for failing me. I also get really frustrated with people who constantly tell me that it "really is time to have number 2" and that "I don't want my dd to be an only child". If only they knew.

 

[crisi]

Go see a therapist and/or a doctor. Please.

 

[hannahdrewmom]

Only someone who has been through infertility can really truly understand. My husband loved me and tried to understand. My mother was there and she was willing to listen. But none of them dealt with the personal feelings of inadequecy each month when I would be weeks late only to finally get my period. At the time I was teaching high school in a low income area..... do you know how many low income teenage girls get pregnant? Let me tell... when you are dealing with infertility it seems like 100%. It felt like everywhere I looked I saw teenage mom's. I saw friends having babies and couldn't bear to even hold them. It was hard. It took 3 doctors, many different tries, and years of heartbreak. In fact 1 year (almost to the day) that I was told it was about 99% that I'd never have a child of my own... God blessed us with a miracle daughter totally Naturally! Only to be followed by a little boy a year later. Keep your head up adn know that sometimes you just need to throw a little pity party and have a little tempertantrum. It may not solve the problem but it makes you feel a little better.

 

[sl_underwood]

I am feeling much better this evening. No clue why it hits me like that some times, but it just does. I am grateful to have you all on the disboards who understand what it is like. To the person who suggested a psychologist, I am one so though I dont see one per say, I work with about 6 who I speak to regularly. None of them get it. In fact, my best friend who has more than 20 years experience suggested I find an online support group. Rather than search for one, I decided to post on the Dis, as it is my favorite online place to visit. I think sometimes I just need to vent, rage at the injustice of it all. Probably sounds juvenille to some but sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs about how life isnt fair! The situation still sucks but I am feeling better. Hopefully, I can get back to planning my disney trip.

 

[Ennazus8810]

Glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. I can totally relate to some extent. Prior to my daughters being born (I was 35 when the oldest was born) I had tried fertility treatments, surgery, you name it for 10 years. I was told by one of the top fertility Drs in the country to adopt. I avoided ALL baby showers, sending a gift card because I could not stand to go into the baby department. I worked with teens, and only worked with the boys because I could not handle teen moms (I was a social worker). My sister had 3 unplanned (although wanted) pregnancies during this time. I can remember telling a co-worker that I had an urge to run pregnant people over in the parking lot. She was very hesitant a few months later to tell me she was pregnant.

I now have 2 beautiful biological children from my second marriage. They truly are our miracle babies. But I can not forget that pain I felt for over 10 years. You are allowed to feel bad! The best thing I did was found a therapist who had experienced fertility issues first hand. It made a huge difference for me.

 

[tinytreasures]

I am feeling much better this evening. No clue why it hits me like that some times, but it just does. I am grateful to have you all on the disboards who understand what it is like. To the person who suggested a psychologist, I am one so though I dont see one per say, I work with about 6 who I speak to regularly. None of them get it. In fact, my best friend who has more than 20 years experience suggested I find an online support group. Rather than search for one, I decided to post on the Dis, as it is my favorite online place to visit. I think sometimes I just need to vent, rage at the injustice of it all. Probably sounds juvenille to some but sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs about how life isnt fair! The situation still sucks but I am feeling better. Hopefully, I can get back to planning my disney trip.

Unless they walked in your shoes they won't get it.
I have those days too

 

[crisi]

I am feeling much better this evening. No clue why it hits me like that some times, but it just does. I am grateful to have you all on the disboards who understand what it is like. To the person who suggested a psychologist, I am one so though I dont see one per say, I work with about 6 who I speak to regularly. None of them get it. In fact, my best friend who has more than 20 years experience suggested I find an online support group. Rather than search for one, I decided to post on the Dis, as it is my favorite online place to visit. I think sometimes I just need to vent, rage at the injustice of it all. Probably sounds juvenille to some but sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs about how life isnt fair! The situation still sucks but I am feeling better. Hopefully, I can get back to planning my disney trip.

I'm glad. I'm clinically depressed. I also went through infertility (I ended up with one of each - and adoption was a way better deal for me. I was not a good pregnant woman and ended up with a daughter where we can delight in all the ways she is just like us - and it drives us crazy that she is a bundle of all our faults as well). When people say they are depressed out on a message board, I get concerned - depression is a devastating and treatable illness - as you know.

In my city there are therapists who specialize in adoption and infertility issues. Or perhaps this is something that you are discovering a need for - a service you could provide in your area? You probably are not the only person mourning a child because they don't exist.

 

[sl_underwood]

Thank God that my depression is not so much a long term thing. I just have days and a couple of times a few weeks. I have done grief and loss counseling after my miscarriage several years ago and before adopting, dh and I did see someone who had us go through the grief process of grieving the loss of the idea of having a bio child. This did help but ocassionally I still get very angry, sad, etc over the fact that we just didnt get what seems so easy for everyone else. In our area, there are no counselors that specialize in infertility so we had to use someone who specialized in grief/loss. For me currently, I find that this is not helpful. I think I just need to vent to someone who gets it, someone who understands, someone who will remind me that its ok to be pissed! You guys have done that for me and I really appreciate it.

 

[3pletprincesses]

vent away girl. We all have days like that.

 

[DopeyDame]

I've been there. We have an amazing son we adopted after years of infertility treatments. Knowing him, it's so clear that he was meant to be ours, and certainly the only way that would have happened is if I couldn't get pregnant. One thing I remember reading, though, is that adoption is a cure for child-less-ness, but it is not a cure for infertility. They really are two different issues. So don't feel guilty for your feelings related to infertility - they really have no relation to your three awesome kids.
It's funny you posted this, because DS has been home for just over a year now, and I've been so much more at peace with him home than I ever was during all the infertility treatment craziness. However, my cycle has gotten really irregular lately, to the point where I have an appointment this friday and I'm going to ask for birth control pills. Now clearly, after nearly 9 years of not using protection, there is nearly 0 chance I'm going to get pregnant. Still... there's a part of me that really doesn't want to go on birth control. Crazy, huh?
Hang in there, and try not to let three teenagers in the house drive you too crazy!

 

[sl_underwood]

I completely understand. I think I would feel the same way if I had to go on BC. I think somewhere in the back of our minds, no matter how small, is this hope that maybe it will happen. I truly enjoy being my kids mom and I know that they were meant to be a part of our family. My son has autism and many people have asked why I chose him but I have no real answer. I knew he was meant for me. I do not know why but the moment I saw him I knew he was meant to be mine. If dh and I could have had kids on our own, he would not be with me now. Might make our extended families happier, but we couldnt imagine life without him. Still, there are times when I think it would be nice to add another one. Of course, ds senses this and today he brought me back to reality, lol. In reality, 3 is probably enough.

 

[ms_missy66]

I didn't read everyone's posts, but I wanted to send you *hugs*.

 

[lisaross]

we all need to throw ourselves pity parties at some time! i never come on this board but i happened to see the title of ur post and it brought me back - back to the days i tried and tried to have a baby. I now have two boys but prior to that i had 3 miscarriages, all my friends were getting pregnant around me etc etc. Looking back it was one of the hardest things my husband and i had to go thru. What helped me at the time was talking to others that have gone thru the same thing. I found forums on line that were so so helpful. I do understand how u feel...and god must have a reason - perhaps u willnever know it, but love the children u have and be thankful for them...hope u find peace..

After re-reading my post I think my thread title should have been welcome to my pity party! I am usually not this bad but lately I just can't help but feel so jealous, hurt, and angry. I just wish I could stop feeling this way.