OT How Would You Handle this?

[irishsharon]

I know this is not a budget question but I love all the great people on the budget board So here is the vent/problem ds is 10 and has ADHD and this is his 3rd year in the co-teaching class,he is friends(more so this year than the last two years) with a boy who has aspergers.First let me say we really like his friend! His friend just joined cub scouts and is in ds den.We went on a camp weekend, this boy and his parents came for the day.The parents.who I have only meet twice,started correcting both of my children.Later I found out when they left that they had talked about my boys to the other parents(we are a small den of five boys total).The other parents just meet these parents that day and my son has been in this den for 3 years!One parent told me she said that my child was the reason her son would get in trouble.The parent told her that she had a hard time believing that since she has known my child for 3 years and before my ds had even arrived her child was asked to leave the bebe gun area for not following the rules.It was a very frustrating day as anything my ds said or did was an issue with them.My ds does dwell on things and it can be annoying at times but my son is a people pleaser and not a behavior problem(never been in trouble in school EVER!)her son however has.I want to say dh and I where there and where on top of things but it did not matter they kept on my son for eveery word or action at one point my ds said to them I'm sorry I talk to much.I will now see at least one of these parents every week What would you do or say?really need adviceWant to nip this in the bud Thanks everyone for listening I needed to get this of my chest.

 

[nicki.momof3]

The next time they correct YOUR child you need to correct them - firmly. Let them know you are his parents and you will handle any issues that arise. If problems persist. I would confront it sooner than later. Point blank ask them if they have any concerns they would like to discuss. If they have nerve enough to tell you about your sons issues you need to make it clear that there comments are unwanted and inappropriate.

Good Luck - I hate when people think they are the parents of all children.

 

[lady9]

I completely agree with the previous poster. It sounds like they are trying to deflect their child's behaviors on to your child. If the problem arises again, I'd politely ask to speak to the parent away from the children. Tell them nicely that you will handle any needs or problems with you own child and they can do the same for their child. At that point, I'd hope you'd get an apology. Hopefully something can be settled for the sake of the boys.

 

[Gorechick]

I don't have any advice to give except to stick by and defend your child. On a side note, my ASD son wants to do cub scouts and we sat in on a meeting of the den a grade level above. The behavior was horrendous from the other boys, even with parents sitting there. My son was the only one who was well behaved. I'm a teacher in a tough school so I don't accept poor behavior. I left the meeting disgusted and I don't think we'll join. I think den leaders need behavior management training.

 

[clm10308]

I completely agree with the previous poster. It sounds like they are trying to deflect their child's behaviors on to your child. If the problem arises again, I'd politely ask to speak to the parent away from the children. Tell them nicely that you will handle any needs or problems with you own child and they can do the same for their child. At that point, I'd hope you'd get an apology. Hopefully something can be settled for the sake of the boys.

Generally I might agree with this except that it was a Cub Scout function. If you tell one Cub Scout parent that they can not correct your child, then you will have created a situation where no one can correct a scout that is not their child. That could make for some big problems in your den, and you end up with meetings as described above.
What I would suggest is that at the start of the next Cub Scout function, you or whoever is the den leader, review the rules and procedures for everyone who is in attendance which could include the consequences for behavior, but could also include a statement about what behaviors are acceptable especially if your son is just being annoying (to them) rather than not following the rules.

If you are not the den leader, then I would suggest that you talk to the den leader privately who could then talk to the other parents either privately or with you.

 

[mistysue]

I agree you need to confront them, but try not to be too rude sounding about it. If they are really convinced your child is the problem, they are going to look for anything in your behavior to "prove" that it's your family, not theirs, that is the problem.

Then try not to take it too personally if they still blame you for whatever their son's issue is. It's entirely possible they just can't handle it and need somebody to blame. I went to a private high school and met a girl my freshman year who was a little strange. Her parents decided it was my fault. Her mom complained to my mom and the school and at the end of the year due to a host of other issues she was asked not to come back. (I heard it was failing grades, but there was also a day where she was walking around in the halls during class talking about how she knew how to hack into the school's grading system.)
Years later, her family still blamed me even though she has been in locked up in mental hospitals a few times. But in their eyes, it's totally the fault of some random girl she knew for a couple months in high school.
Sometimes they want something to point to and your kid might just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am glad the other parents said something to you, that is a good sign that they aren't going to get everybody rallied up against your son. If you ever see signs of anything like that in his classroom, I would make a point of telling their teacher exactly what you have said here.

 

[irishsharon]

I don't have any advice to give except to stick by and defend your child. On a side note, my ASD son wants to do cub scouts and we sat in on a meeting of the den a grade level above. The behavior was horrendous from the other boys, even with parents sitting there. My son was the only one who was well behaved. I'm a teacher in a tough school so I don't accept poor behavior. I left the meeting disgusted and I don't think we'll join. I think den leaders need behavior management training.

The first year we joined scouts my ds troop was awful and after a few months we left.Then my ds soccer coachs wife(a special ed teacher) lead a den in a different troop and we joined and have loved it.I agree that there should be training but you should maybe look into another troop.Good luck...May ds has major anxiety and said he would never camp,never do the rock wall,never do archery or do bebe guns HE DID ALL OF THIS!!!!!! this weekend

 

[luvmy3]

I know this is not a budget question but I love all the great people on the budget board So here is the vent/problem ds is 10 and has ADHD and this is his 3rd year in the co-teaching class,he is friends(more so this year than the last two years) with a boy who has aspergers.First let me say we really like his friend! His friend just joined cub scouts and is in ds den.We went on a camp weekend, this boy and his parents came for the day.The parents.who I have only meet twice,started correcting both of my children.Later I found out when they left that they had talked about my boys to the other parents(we are a small den of five boys total).The other parents just meet these parents that day and my son has been in this den for 3 years!One parent told me she said that my child was the reason her son would get in trouble.The parent told her that she had a hard time believing that since she has known my child for 3 years and before my ds had even arrived her child was asked to leave the bebe gun area for not following the rules.It was a very frustrating day as anything my ds said or did was an issue with them.My ds does dwell on things and it can be annoying at times but my son is a people pleaser and not a behavior problem(never been in trouble in school EVER!)her son however has.I want to say dh and I where there and where on top of things but it did not matter they kept on my son for eveery word or action at one point my ds said to them I'm sorry I talk to much.I will now see at least one of these parents every week What would you do or say?really need adviceWant to nip this in the bud Thanks everyone for listening I needed to get this of my chest.

Were they correcting him while you were there? Why didn't you say anything to them if your ds wasn't doing anything wrong?
If you weren't there, how do you know your ds wasn't doing anything that needed correcting? (Not accusing your ds, just wondering if you actually witnessed everything that day)

 

[irishsharon]

The next time they correct YOUR child you need to correct them - firmly. Let them know you are his parents and you will handle any issues that arise. If problems persist. I would confront it sooner than later. Point blank ask them if they have any concerns they would like to discuss. If they have nerve enough to tell you about your sons issues you need to make it clear that there comments are unwanted and inappropriate.

Good Luck - I hate when people think they are the parents of all children.

Thank you,I feel that if this continues that I will have to talk to them which is such an uncomfortable thing for me.However my son should be allowed to play and have fun on a family camping weekend without be judged.

 

[irishsharon]

I completely agree with the previous poster. It sounds like they are trying to deflect their child's behaviors on to your child. If the problem arises again, I'd politely ask to speak to the parent away from the children. Tell them nicely that you will handle any needs or problems with you own child and they can do the same for their child. At that point, I'd hope you'd get an apology. Hopefully something can be settled for the sake of the boys.

They had a problem with another boy but I know that child did have many behavior issues.That child's family moved and he is no longer in the class.I am not a stick your head in the sand kind of parent and am very aware of my childs strengths and weakness.I dont want to sound judgemental but these parents seem to have trouble socially with adults.I would love this to be settled without any drama.Thanks for your advice

 

[irishsharon]

Generally I might agree with this except that it was a Cub Scout function. If you tell one Cub Scout parent that they can not correct your child, then you will have created a situation where no one can correct a scout that is not their child. That could make for some big problems in your den, and you end up with meetings as described above.
What I would suggest is that at the start of the next Cub Scout function, you or whoever is the den leader, review the rules and procedures for everyone who is in attendance which could include the consequences for behavior, but could also include a statement about what behaviors are acceptable especially if your son is just being annoying (to them) rather than not following the rules.

If you are not the den leader, then I would suggest that you talk to the den leader privately who could then talk to the other parents either privately or with you.

Thank you for your advice.I agree that it could create a situation which is the last thing I want.However my child has the right to not be picked on by two people who do not know him.I have expressed to the den leader my concerns and know that den meeting should not be a problem.I am more concerned about the pack nights and the many wonderful trips and activites the den has planned before the boys cross over to become boy scouts.

 

[pls5286]

I am a long time Cub Scout leader, as well as step mom to an Aspie. This is what I would do if I were in your shoes. In my pack, we tell the boys on camp-outs that they need to listen to any adult from our group, plus any adult in uniform. It makes it easier for them to know who to listen to.

I would talk to the boy's parent's and tell them that when your son is doing something that they have to correct him for, to please let you know so you can make sure the offensive behavior is stopped. Hopefully this would let you know if they are being overly nit-picky about every little thing or if it is just routine boy behavior. Your son could be doing something inadvertently that could cause the Aspie to overstimulate. Our 9 y/o DD has a very high pitched voice and if she squeals, it sends our 13 y/o Aspie into a full meltdown. I am in no way saying your son is doing this! This is just a thought from the other side.

If the parents keep correcting your son from walking the wrong way or just talking or in general being a kid, I would suggest talking with the den leader or Cub Master and having it so that only you and the leaders correct your son unless it is a dangerous behavior.

 

[irishsharon]

Were they correcting him while you were there? Why didn't you say anything to them if your ds wasn't doing anything wrong?
If you weren't there, how do you know your ds wasn't doing anything that needed correcting? (Not accusing your ds, just wondering if you actually witnessed everything that day)

Ds mentioned twice that this familes hot dog rolls where eaten by a small animal,after he said it the mom in a stern voice said you dont need to talk about it again.I told her that my child has a tendency to dwell on things and then I told him in front of her, not to mention it and he never did the rest of the day.Then her child threw leaves in the fire over and over again and when they finally asked him to stop and my child did it once they again very loudly corrected my child.The mom told my child to stop asking so many questions,told him he was the reason their son was not eating dinner.It was many small things that on there own no big deal but over seven hours on what is suppose to be a family fun weekend NOT fun.I did not witness everything that day I'm sure but I have known the other parents for three years and never had even one small issue with parents or their children.I am in no way saying that my child did nothing wrong that day,he was playing with other 10 year old boys who also including her child had to be reminded to stop doing certain things.The other parents told me what she said about my child which on top of the constant nit picking was when I started to feel I should deal with this if it happens again.My only question is how without drama for everyone.

 

[irishsharon]

I am a long time Cub Scout leader, as well as step mom to an Aspie. This is what I would do if I were in your shoes. In my pack, we tell the boys on camp-outs that they need to listen to any adult from our group, plus any adult in uniform. It makes it easier for them to know who to listen to.

I would talk to the boy's parent's and tell them that when your son is doing something that they have to correct him for, to please let you know so you can make sure the offensive behavior is stopped. Hopefully this would let you know if they are being overly nit-picky about every little thing or if it is just routine boy behavior. Your son could be doing something inadvertently that could cause the Aspie to overstimulate. Our 9 y/o DD has a very high pitched voice and if she squeals, it sends our 13 y/o Aspie into a full meltdown. I am in no way saying your son is doing this! This is just a thought from the other side.

If the parents keep correcting your son from walking the wrong way or just talking or in general being a kid, I would suggest talking with the den leader or Cub Master and having it so that only you and the leaders correct your son unless it is a dangerous behavior.

Thank you so much for your point of view.Maybe I can bring up my concerns by asking her if there is anything that ds does that overstimulates her son.I think what upset me is that many of the things he was doing was just being a kid.I was so proud of him overcoming so many things he feared and had anxiety about that weekend.This was a family fun weekend not a regular scout camp out and they took the fun out of it.They just joined so I dont want to deal with this all year long.

 

[luvmy3]

Ds mentioned twice that this familes hot dog rolls where eaten by a small animal,after he said it the mom in a stern voice said you dont need to talk about it again.I told her that my child has a tendency to dwell on things and then I told him in front of her, not to mention it and he never did the rest of the day.Then her child threw leaves in the fire over and over again and when they finally asked him to stop and my child did it once they again very loudly corrected my child.The mom told my child to stop asking so many questions,told him he was the reason their son was not eating dinner.It was many small things that on there own no big deal but over seven hours on what is suppose to be a family fun weekend NOT fun.I did not witness everything that day I'm sure but I have known the other parents for three years and never had even one small issue with parents or their children.I am in no way saying that my child did nothing wrong that day,he was playing with other 10 year old boys who also including her child had to be reminded to stop doing certain things.The other parents told me what she said about my child which on top of the constant nit picking was when I started to feel I should deal with this if it happens again.My only question is how without drama for everyone.

I think you should take the advice pls posted, its a great suggestion.

I would have had a hard time keeping my mouth shut if they were nit-picking about little things that my child was doing, but I can understand not wanting to cause drama for everyone else. If it is something more and their reason is because it may set off their child I would understand, but I'd want them to come to me with their concerns instead of just disciplining my child.
Good luck

 

[irishsharon]

I agree you need to confront them, but try not to be too rude sounding about it. If they are really convinced your child is the problem, they are going to look for anything in your behavior to "prove" that it's your family, not theirs, that is the problem.

Then try not to take it too personally if they still blame you for whatever their son's issue is. It's entirely possible they just can't handle it and need somebody to blame. I went to a private high school and met a girl my freshman year who was a little strange. Her parents decided it was my fault. Her mom complained to my mom and the school and at the end of the year due to a host of other issues she was asked not to come back. (I heard it was failing grades, but there was also a day where she was walking around in the halls during class talking about how she knew how to hack into the school's grading system.)
Years later, her family still blamed me even though she has been in locked up in mental hospitals a few times. But in their eyes, it's totally the fault of some random girl she knew for a couple months in high school.
Sometimes they want something to point to and your kid might just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am glad the other parents said something to you, that is a good sign that they aren't going to get everybody rallied up against your son. If you ever see signs of anything like that in his classroom, I would make a point of telling their teacher exactly what you have said here.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.Its funny you mentioned school because I started wondering what they may have said about ds to his teachers.However my child is a sweet kind boy and that is his teachers words and I have to agree with them most days

 

[kandb]

I hate to say it but it sounds like she can't deal with her own sons issues, so she is taking them out and blaming your son. You need to confront her.

 

[kirstenb1]

I hate to say it but it sounds like she can't deal with her own sons issues, so she is taking them out and blaming your son. You need to confront her.

Kind of agree. It sounds like these parents are overwhelmed with their own son's issues, and haven't figured out a way to communicate his needs/idiosyncracies, so that it's a win-win. Our younger dd has ASD, so I'm not unfamiliar with difficult social situations. In a new situation, I try to be very candid about dd to the adult in charge. This takes a lot of faith in others.

I wouldn't confront them per se, but I'd try to engage them in conversation about how to help both kids fit into the troop.

 

[irishsharon]

Kind of agree. It sounds like these parents are overwhelmed with their own son's issues, and haven't figured out a way to communicate his needs/idiosyncracies, so that it's a win-win. Our younger dd has ASD, so I'm not unfamiliar with difficult social situations. In a new situation, I try to be very candid about dd to the adult in charge. This takes a lot of faith in others.

I wouldn't confront them per se, but I'd try to engage them in conversation about how to help both kids fit into the troop.

What confused me is that her son and my son where having a wonderful time. What is funny is they seem to be the ones with behavioral problems.

 

[irishsharon]

I hate to say it but it sounds like she can't deal with her own sons issues, so she is taking them out and blaming your son. You need to confront her.

My ds is VERY social and was talking with the parents and their son many times during the day.I started trying to keep ds away from the parents.I really do not want ds talkiing to them at all, especially because they are so critical of him and ds being 10 does not see they are being unkind.I have no idea how I would even go about doing that except tell him he can no longer speak to them but that seems extreme.Just not sure how to deal with this.