OT....BFF Marries on my Birthday

[Tink_fanatic]

I know this may not be in the right forum but you guys are awesome at giving advice so here goes.

My ex-bff and I had lost touch from high school. She had started dating my boyfriends best friend at the time and became so involved with him, I got pushed to the side. Anyways we re-connect 5 yrs later (last year) and they have decided to get married. We were talking and and trying to catch up and never really discussed the date of the wedding. Turns out they decided to get married on October 11th. Now this is before the Save-the date cards or the invitations went out. It may sound selfish of me but I tried, really tired to get her to change the date. I wanted to be able to celebrate my birthday with her and not have to celebrate her wedding day also. She wouldn't, flat out refused too. I held resentment for it but I did my thing and was hostess at her wedding. Now, months after the wedding and the major drama that she went through with her new husband...I drifted away still mad that she got married on my birthday and mad that she wasn't really happy but forcing herself through the marriage because her parents paid for it.

My question is should I let bygones be bygones and try to reconnect again or just let it be? I do miss her but do not miss the drama or the fact that she wouldn't push her wedding back on Saturday or forward one Saturday. I'm still mad about it. What should I do?! Sorry so long but thanx for reading my rant.

 

[kpm76]

For real??? You are a grown woman and you got mad because your friend got married on your birthday?? Wow! You even went so far as asking her to change the date? I cannot even imagine that. I think you are better off keeping the distance between you. Real friends do not get upset over such petty things as getting married on a birthday.....

 

[Steve's Girl]

I think you need to get over it. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event. A birthday comes every year. I don't think she should have changed her wedding just because it was your birthday. Now, if you want to avoid all the other drama, that is one thing. But, staying away just because she chose to get married on your birthday seems a bit silly in my opinion.

 

[lindsmom]

I agree with the previous posters. I see you're 25, so maybe with time you'll get to the point where birthday DATES aren't that crucial. My sister got married the day before my 15th birthday, and I find it easy now because I can remember her anniversary. Haha! My husband happens to share his birthday with my other sister's wedding anniversary. And I'm due to deliver my second child two days before my birthday. Seriously, it's no big deal. And you'll get to the point some day of realizing that. If she is truly your BFF, then be her friend. If this is such a huge problem for you, I would suspect there is some other underlying reason, and maybe she isn't quite so "best" of a friend.

 

[J3nn78]

You cannot be serious?!?

 

[marlynnp]

completely nutters

Make an appointment with a therapist.

 

[finallygoingtoWDW]

No you should not try to reconnect. If you have to ask, then you're not ready to have a real adult friendship. Sounds like you might get along better with your daughter and her friends.

 

[crashbb]

Hopefully she can forgive you for trying to force her to move her wedding date.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

I know this may not be in the right forum but you guys are awesome at giving advice so here goes.

My ex-bff and I had lost touch from high school. She had started dating my boyfriends best friend at the time and became so involved with him, I got pushed to the side. Anyways we re-connect 5 yrs later (last year) and they have decided to get married. We were talking and and trying to catch up and never really discussed the date of the wedding. Turns out they decided to get married on October 11th. Now this is before the Save-the date cards or the invitations went out. It may sound selfish of me but I tried, really tired to get her to change the date. I wanted to be able to celebrate my birthday with her and not have to celebrate her wedding day also. She wouldn't, flat out refused too. I held resentment for it but I did my thing and was hostess at her wedding. Now, months after the wedding and the major drama that she went through with her new husband...I drifted away still mad that she got married on my birthday and mad that she wasn't really happy but forcing herself through the marriage because her parents paid for it.

My question is should I let bygones be bygones and try to reconnect again or just let it be? I do miss her but do not miss the drama or the fact that she wouldn't push her wedding back on Saturday or forward one Saturday. I'm still mad about it. What should I do?! Sorry so long but thanx for reading my rant.

Too much drama all around. Move on.

 

[Scrapfriend]

Forgive my directness, but you need to be less self-centered! The world does not revolve around YOUR birthday and as you mature you will (hopefully) realize this! Consider all the posibility of REAL problems in this life and realize that it is just a day in the year. Does your friend realize the resentment you hold toward her? I bet this would be a shock to her, and SHE may be the one to reconsider the relationship.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Wow! Just wow!

 

[Tink_fanatic]

I agree with the previous posters. I see you're 25, so maybe with time you'll get to the point where birthday DATES aren't that crucial. My sister got married the day before my 15th birthday, and I find it easy now because I can remember her anniversary. Haha! My husband happens to share his birthday with my other sister's wedding anniversary. And I'm due to deliver my second child two days before my birthday. Seriously, it's no big deal. And you'll get to the point some day of realizing that. If she is truly your BFF, then be her friend. If this is such a huge problem for you, I would suspect there is some other underlying reason, and maybe she isn't quite so "best" of a friend.

Thanks BirthDATES are huge with family and friends I associate with. They come in handy a lot of the time. We use them for everything from license plates to passwords. It's the dates that's important not necessarily the year

completely nutters

Make an appointment with a therapist.

Can't afford a therapist. But on the serious tip there are tons of things I have not and are not capable of dealing with and I bottle it up. I guess this is one of those things.

No you should not try to reconnect. If you have to ask, then you're not ready to have a real adult friendship. Sounds like you might get along better with your daughter and her friends.

I have plenty of adult friendships ALL of them date back to either elementary, middle, or high school. I've known these people my whole lives and we all know each other boundaries.

Hopefully she can forgive you for trying to force her to move her wedding date.

Didn't try to force her. I asked her...once, she said no. I left it alone. haha Didn't want to spoil HER day..



I do want to say thank you for all the advice and/or criticism. You guys think I am wonkers. I knew that already. I can say that I am a good mom and a good friend most of the time. Even though this post doesn't seem like it, yeah that's me.

 

[smkiya]

It may sound selfish of me but I tried, really tired to get her to change the date. I wanted to be able to celebrate my birthday with her and not have to celebrate her wedding day also. She wouldn't, flat out refused too. I held resentment for it but I did my thing and was hostess at her wedding.

I do miss her but do not miss the drama or the fact that she wouldn't push her wedding back on Saturday or forward one Saturday. I'm still mad about it. What should I do?!

I had a bff for 13 years. She came from a broken family (mom an alcoholic, dad forgot about her) so for the life of our relationship I let her selfishness and frequent mood swings slide because she had no family (I witnessed their antics, very sad) and very few friends (go figure), and I considered her a sister (I still do, I love her). Anyway it got to the point that as an adult with my own family and problems, I thought that as adults we need to act as such and not remain a negative product of our past. I spoke with her about my feelings, and the way I felt when she treated me like crap and she became very defensive. Needless to say our relationship ended.

The following comments are to be taken as criticism and are not attacks on you personally.

I think it is very selfish of you to expect another person (friend, family, or otherwise) to alter their special life changing event, to accommodate you. I would've refused also.

I would not want to continue a relationship with you, because our relationship would be for your benefit only. Relationships should be give and take, and from what I've read, you did not apply this.

From what you say of her current relationship with her husband, she is the type of person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, as it seems she may have done with you while you two were bff's (just as I did with my ex-bff). Let her live her life and you live yours, you certainly have a lot of growing up to do. I hope this thread helps you realize this. Good luck!

 

[Tink_fanatic]

Forgive my directness, but you need to be less self-centered! The world does not revolve around YOUR birthday and as you mature you will (hopefully) realize this! Consider all the posibility of REAL problems in this life and realize that it is just a day in the year. Does your friend realize the resentment you hold toward her? I bet this would be a shock to her, and SHE may be the one to reconsider the relationship.

I do I understand I was being selfish. But for reasons I am not willing to spill or rather bore you guys with, I hold my birthday sacred. Yes she does. We do not talk at all anymore. I do tend to hold a grudge but get over it after a year or so. I do have a lot of issues you know....but nevermind....it's deep-rooted and i thought she would understand.

 

[tjbaggott]

Is it not possible to get a point across here without name calling? No needs to be as critical as many previous posts have been.

To the OP, I too was once 25 and know how things that are small to me now seemed SO huge back then. Yes in time this may not matter much to you, but as you've indicated it did bother you, and you do still struggle with it.
Something that happened back when I was much younger, ruined the friendship I had with my BFF. It was a huge deal to me back then, and I let it be a big deal. Now many years later I realize what it cost me, and how things could have been so different if only I hadn't reacted the way I did. My friendship with the former BFF was re-established a few years after the incident, but we were and have never been as close as we once were. I don't dwell on it as the past is the past, but it was a learning lesson for me about life. Let it go, and as you said you miss her, maintain some contact and let it go where it will.
All the best to you.

 

[MichelleVW]

For real??? You are a grown woman and you got mad because your friend got married on your birthday?? Wow! You even went so far as asking her to change the date? I cannot even imagine that. I think you are better off keeping the distance between you. Real friends do not get upset over such petty things as getting married on a birthday.....

Seriously I can't imagine asking someone to change their wedding because it was on my birthday...

 

[crashbb]

Didn't try to force her. I asked her...once, she said no. I left it alone. haha Didn't want to spoil HER day..

That sounds very different from:

It may sound selfish of me but I tried, really tired to get her to change the date. I wanted to be able to celebrate my birthday with her and not have to celebrate her wedding day also. She wouldn't, flat out refused too.

I have trouble believing that you are still trying to equate her WEDDING DAY (which, hopefully, only happens once) with your BIRTHDAY (which happens every year).

I can only assume that there is actually some other underlying issue between the two of you. It happens - the "event' that causes the break isn't actually the real issue. You need to figure out what the real issue is and decide if you can work through that issue, before you can decide if you should reach out to her again.

 

[lil mermaid]

What should I do?! Sorry so long but thanx for reading my rant.

You should grow up. You should move on.

Funny...years ago, my good friend got married on my birthday. I thought it was kind of cool.

 

[gladstoneganderfan]

I'm sure your friend won't lose any sleep if you don't reconnect with her.

 

[Tink_fanatic]

That sounds very different from:



I have trouble believing that you are still trying to equate her WEDDING DAY (which, hopefully, only happens once) with your BIRTHDAY (which happens every year).

I can only assume that there is actually some other underlying issue between the two of you. It happens - the "event' that causes the break isn't actually the real issue. You need to figure out what the real issue is and decide if you can work through that issue, before you can decide if you should reach out to her again.

You know, you are absolutely right. There were some underlying issues with the way the marriage went afterwards. Don't want to put her marriage problems out there. She was like a sister to me and I didn't like seeing her so unhappy after the what was suppose to be the happiest day of her life. Plus we both have something that the other wanted, so you know. She has a husband (for better or the worst of it) and I have a child, which for some reason they can't conceive.

Oh, and trying for me is a one time shot. I don't like rejection.