Opinions on a sensitive subject, please

[krcit]

Not cool. I am not a jealous person but no way would I be ok with my DH having an 'email' realtionship with one of my friends. especially with the past history.

 

[A4Disney]

Okay, so I need some points of view from my fellow DISers. I know you will be honest, which is not something I can always get from friends, mainly because this is a sensitive issue.

My DH and I have been married for almost thirteen years, have children we adore and a fairly average lifestyle. We have been through our share of health issues, both involving us, our children and our parents. We have survived job loss and come out on top. I give you this background to show that we have survived many not so nice situations so I want to believe we can survive what I need your thoughts on.

A couple of years ago, during my pregnancy with my son, I constantly felt this distance between DH and I. I tried very hard to figure things out, despite being very sick for all of my pregnancy. I felt that whatever was bothering him had to do with the pregnancy or just me. No amount of talking would get him to open up to me. I was very hurt and began to suspect he was having an affair. Fast forward to a month before my son was born. I found out that yes my DH was stepping outside of our marriage for friendship, companionship, attention, chitchat etc., mostly on line. I beleived him when he said he had never slept with anyone else, that it was all on line. But let me just say, after being made aware of a great deal of what he did with these cyber girl friends, on line, it was just as painful as a physical affair. The communications between him and these women were daily, several times a day and not just limited to a website. They shared personal emails, photos, instant messages and phone calls. He was able to do this because he works an off shift so when I was at work he was at home and vice versa. Yes, he did stuff from work.

So, we worked things through, went to counseling and tried to keep the lines of communication open. It was hard for me to get past his betrayal. He has worked hard to convince me he is sorry and swears he would never hurt me again. I confided in my oldest and dearest friend when this was going on. I told her exactly what happened. Much to my surprise she shared with me her story about how SHE had an affair on her DH just two years earlier. She told me they did the counseling thing etc and of course they are still together.. The one thing she told me that really bothered me was that once a cheater always a cheater. She called me on my cell, after I left her home new baby in my arms, to tell me that. I was floored, but did not believe my DH was like her in that way.

In the past few weeks I have come to find out that this friend and my DH exchange personal emails on a weekly basis. My DH says it is nothing, no big deal. Yes he knows about her affair. He still says I am over reacting, that they are just friends. Now my so called friend hardly emails me. I work full time and she is a stay at home mom, whose husband, the one she cheated on, goes away for business on a regular basis. I will say that since this has come to light I have been avoiding her. I don't know what to say. I am good friends with her sister and mom and we have lots of friends in common. I am afraid of what this will do to all of those relationships whether they are sneaking around on me or not. Our families have been friends since kindergarten. Our children play together often. But she has always been "my friend". Heck, she even stood for us in our wedding!

So, am I wrong to be suspicious? Am I over reacting? Or am I being taken for a ride by both of them?

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

S

You are not overreacting at all. He shouldn't be carrying on any correspondence with females of a personal or "friendly" nature after what he did. It's completely inappropriate. I think you two should see a good counselor. Did you see one when this all first happened a couple years ago?

 

[kwelch10377]

Given their past I do think you have a reason to be concerned, but I would do a little more fact gathering. I think you need to find out exactly what they are talking about.

I will tell you that I have a texting relationship with my BF husband, but for the most part she knows what our conversations entail and it is all in good fun, neither of us hide the the fact that we talk to each other. Most of the time she is sitting next to him when we are texting. We have had some conversations where he has confided in me about somethings that he didn't with my BF, including some issues at work and some issues that he and my BF were going through. I have always been upfront with him though that she will always trump him and if he tells me anything that I feel she needs to know I will tell her.

 

[Buckalew11]

I am sorry you are going through this. The cheater I know cheated on his wife about 7 yrs. into their marriage (hmm, seven yr. itch?) and never again until at year 32 (that we know of). Anyway, he makes me now believe that "once a cheater always a cheater."

I myself have been friends with a friend's husband. Uh...let's just say he got a little too friendly and I immediately cut the friendship off. I'm still friendly with the wife and see him and her as a couple some times but I'll never feel comfortable with him again, never want him to call or text me again. Ick. Ruined. A nice enough guy but I wonder who else he does that to?

sorry, but your DH needs to shape up and STOP. As my dad always said, "you play with fire, you get burned."

 

[Pamlur]

Ask your husband to be "transparent"; to open his emails for you to read, to give you his passwords for email, phone, whatever. Everything. If he refuses, then there is a major problem.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

Okay, so I need some points of view from my fellow DISers. I know you will be honest, which is not something I can always get from friends, mainly because this is a sensitive issue.

My DH and I have been married for almost thirteen years, have children we adore and a fairly average lifestyle. We have been through our share of health issues, both involving us, our children and our parents. We have survived job loss and come out on top. I give you this background to show that we have survived many not so nice situations so I want to believe we can survive what I need your thoughts on.

A couple of years ago, during my pregnancy with my son, I constantly felt this distance between DH and I. I tried very hard to figure things out, despite being very sick for all of my pregnancy. I felt that whatever was bothering him had to do with the pregnancy or just me. No amount of talking would get him to open up to me. I was very hurt and began to suspect he was having an affair. Fast forward to a month before my son was born. I found out that yes my DH was stepping outside of our marriage for friendship, companionship, attention, chitchat etc., mostly on line. I beleived him when he said he had never slept with anyone else, that it was all on line. But let me just say, after being made aware of a great deal of what he did with these cyber girl friends, on line, it was just as painful as a physical affair. The communications between him and these women were daily, several times a day and not just limited to a website. They shared personal emails, photos, instant messages and phone calls. He was able to do this because he works an off shift so when I was at work he was at home and vice versa. Yes, he did stuff from work.

So, we worked things through, went to counseling and tried to keep the lines of communication open. It was hard for me to get past his betrayal. He has worked hard to convince me he is sorry and swears he would never hurt me again. I confided in my oldest and dearest friend when this was going on. I told her exactly what happened. Much to my surprise she shared with me her story about how SHE had an affair on her DH just two years earlier. She told me they did the counseling thing etc and of course they are still together.. The one thing she told me that really bothered me was that once a cheater always a cheater. She called me on my cell, after I left her home new baby in my arms, to tell me that. I was floored, but did not believe my DH was like her in that way.

In the past few weeks I have come to find out that this friend and my DH exchange personal emails on a weekly basis. My DH says it is nothing, no big deal. Yes he knows about her affair. He still says I am over reacting, that they are just friends. Now my so called friend hardly emails me. I work full time and she is a stay at home mom, whose husband, the one she cheated on, goes away for business on a regular basis. I will say that since this has come to light I have been avoiding her. I don't know what to say. I am good friends with her sister and mom and we have lots of friends in common. I am afraid of what this will do to all of those relationships whether they are sneaking around on me or not. Our families have been friends since kindergarten. Our children play together often. But she has always been "my friend". Heck, she even stood for us in our wedding!

So, am I wrong to be suspicious? Am I over reacting? Or am I being taken for a ride by both of them?

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

S

No you are not wrong to be suspicious. I have girlfriends who I would trust implicitly with my husband and yet I have an ex-bf that I wouldn't trust with my dog (if I had one).

 

[rigs32]

I would be willing to bet money that the reason your "friend" gave you the always a cheater line is because her secret relationship was going on with your DH that day. I might lose that bet, but I think she was giving you a clue.

If your DH wouldn't show you the emails in question, there's a darn good reason why. And "it's private" is not a good reason.

 

[Tiger926]

I would be willing to bet money that the reason your "friend" gave you the always a cheater line is because her secret relationship was going on with your DH that day. I might lose that bet, but I think she was giving you a clue.

If your DH wouldn't show you the emails in question, there's a darn good reason why. And "it's private" is not a good reason.

Exactly what I was going to say. She was warning you that she too will always be a cheater, and so perhaps it was a warning about the relationship between she and your husband?

I am sorry you are going through this. I would try and find out more info, but definitely call your husband on their relationship. He is getting something out of that relationship, or he wouldn't be involved in any capacity.

My prayers are with you to gain the strength you need to work through this hurdle.

Tiger

 

[dislaney]

I would be willing to bet money that the reason your "friend" gave you the always a cheater line is because her secret relationship was going on with your DH that day. I might lose that bet, but I think she was giving you a clue.

If your DH wouldn't show you the emails in question, there's a darn good reason why. And "it's private" is not a good reason.

I agree. Your friend is definitely not a friend. Too many red flags. I would ask my husband to see the emails and go to counseling with me again. Refusal of either of these would be the end of my marriage. Sorry your going through this.

 

[tink20]

I just wanted to say good luck. I know how you feel, my first husband cheated on me, and I know how it feels. I would hire a Private Investigator if possible, then you would know for sure. I use to hate "the not knowing" , I was driving myself crazy, wondering if I was just imagining things. I was searching for clues, I knew it was true, but I just had to find proof.

He is now married to the other woman(11 years) , and has cheated on her. She stayed with him.

I just have never understood how someone could treat the person they love this way. I would rather someone tell me they don't want to be married anymore, than lie, sneak around, and sleep with someone else....disgust.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

If I were in your shoes I would be worried. Not only would I cut off any and all relations with this woman, I would make sure that you and your husband go to counselling.

It looks to me like she saw a challenge with your DH and she is taking it. Like she said "Once a cheater, always a cheater", and she was once a cheater. Your DH may or may not be acting on it, but if he is not telling you about it, most likely he is liking the attention that he is getting, if nothing else.

Sending prayers your way.

 

[smb6]

You are not over reacting. Their relationship is inappropriate for the sole fact that it is being kept a secret for you. He needs to agree to stop contact with her..... I sincerely wish yall the best!

 

[bdcp]

I just wanted to say good luck. I know how you feel, my first husband cheated on me, and I know how it feels. I would hire a Private Investigator if possible, then you would know for sure. I use to hate "the not knowing" , I was driving myself crazy, wondering if I was just imagining things. I was searching for clues, I knew it was true, but I just had to find proof.

He is now married to the other woman(11 years) , and has cheated on her. She stayed with him.

I just have never understood how someone could treat the person they love this way. I would rather someone tell me they don't want to be married anymore, than lie, sneak around, and sleep with someone else....disgust.

I don't think she needs an investigator. It appears he's having an emotional affair which is no different than having a physical one and in some way it's worse. I still say tell them both to stop emailing each other. It's pretty simple. If her husband loves and respects her, he'll stop. If her friend is her friend, she'll stop, but I highly doubt her friend is really her friend as I said before.

 

[N&B'smom]

Oh my gosh...first off I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I think you already know in your heart that things are definitely not right.

How did you find out about the emailing with your so-called friend?

For your 'friend' who knows that you and your hubby struggled in the past to go and have a little behind the scenes email relationship with your hubby - well, that is just wrong. And this is the same woman that said once a cheater, always a cheater?? That should tell you a little something right there, first off...she is NO friend of yours.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't think she needs an investigator. It appears he's having an emotional affair which is no different than having a physical one and in some way it's worse. I still say tell them both to stop emailing each other. It's pretty simple. If her husband loves and respects her, he'll stop. If her friend is her friend, she'll stop, but I highly doubt her friend is really her friend as I said before.

I think that's jumping to conclusions. A man and woman can email eachother and not be having an emotional affair.

 

[sunnyday123]

First, .

However, when she called you back and specifically told you, "once a cheater, always a cheater" she was having major guilt for what she's doing, or she was throwing it in your face. Either way, I think she's having some sort of innapropriate relationship with your DH.

I'd go to her house, and make it crystal clear to her she was to no longer text, call, email, think about or speak to my husband. Then I'd have the same conversation with him. I think it's great you worked on saving your marriage the first time around, my ex cheated on me, and I don't give second chances when it comes to that. To me, an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.

This is what the rational me would do. She very rarely wins over the irrational me, which would prevail in this situation and would rip the door off my soon to be ex-friends house and beat her senseless with her computer keyboard. She knows your history with your DH, and she doesn't care. She's not a friend at all.

 

[nathalee81]

OP, I am very sorry for what you are going through and what you went through.

That said, I think you are right to be worried (mostly because women have pretty good gut instincts and it sounds like you have a gut instinct about this).

This woman is no friend of yours-she is just a woman who sounds lonely and unhappy and is going to use any means necessary to find a distraction from whatever is wrong in her life. That distraction is your husband. Please get this toxic person out of your life, for your own sanity and in order to save your marriage (if that is what you want to do, I am assuming it is). All of my friends adore my husband and think he is great, but if they started e-mailing him on a daily basis (and I am not talking about an infrequent e-mail asking a question or something), I would be more than a little perturbed.

As far as your marriage, I would say get back in counseling. However, and I don't want to be harsh or say give up on your marriage, but it sounds like your husband has a problem with emotional fidelity. Was that touched upon in counseling? Is there something in his past causing this? Until you find the root cause of WHY he keeps doing this, then he probably won't stop (and I am very sorry to say this and this is all just armchair psychology so I may very well be wrong, okay?). Really, I don't want to say "give up on your marriage"-you have two kids and a lot of years together and that is nothing to give up lightly.

At the very least, go to counseling yourself, okay? So you can have someone to talk to that will give you some good advice-someone you can trust and share your feelings with. Or, maybe you have a pastor or priest? Or just good friends that can be there for you right now (and I certainly don't mean this person calling herself your "friend")? Just don't keep this all inside and go through it by yourself, okay?

Stay strong and good luck.

 

[java]

I'm sorry if it's bothering you that should be a good enough reason for him to stop it. Why is he talking to her? I had a guy e-mailing me as friends. Really only friends,but I started to think he might be going down a different path. I stopped responding. I'm married, my husband is the one I should be talking to. He should know this a line that doesn't need to be crossed.

 

[sparklynails23]

My husband e-mails my friends and relatives, but they do so, openly and with my full knowledge. You need to confront your friend, preferably, in front of her husband. You can do it in a joking manner ("Did you know Jane and Bob e-mail all the time? I barely hear from her, but she keeps in touch with Bob. Ha. Ha."), but you need to do it. You will be able to tell from her reaction if she has something to hide.

 

[my3sonsagn]

I agree with the other posters - this woman is NOT your friend anymore (if she ever really was..). A woman who knowingly begins or continues an online relationship with the husband of a friend with your previous problems is not to be trusted.

As for your DH, that's a little harder for me. If you found out about their emails because he brought it up in casual conversation, then that, to me, indicates that he sees the emails as no big deal - he isn't trying to hide anything. If you found out some other way and/or there's an indication that he's tried to hide the emails from you, then there is a big problem there. I'd start out by mentioning that your "friend" made it a point to tell you about her affair and even called you after you left to tell you she was once and always a cheater, so you really don't feel comfortable with the two of them having a personal friendship; he knows how hard it was to regain your trust, so he should understand why this would bother you. Also, ask him to see the old emails - they should give you some clue as to what is really going on (as would his reaction to the request - if he pulls them up right away, then I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he tries to dodge the request or gets defensive, then it would be a huge warning sign to me). It could be that, on his part, there's nothing going on; in fact, the way your "friend" handled that whole conversation I wouldn't put it past her to try to manipulate this whole situation just to cause more problems for you and your hubby.

{{{hugs}}}