Only children?

[horseshowmom]

Are there any well-adjusted only children out there?

Generally people imply that I’m being selfish and only children are socially awkward.

This post reminds me of when homeschooling parents say their kids are well adjusted socially and others say that they are not, yet the parents never see what their kids are like away from them so how do they know.

I've got to jump in here!

My daughter (23) is an only child and was homeschooled as well! This girl can talk to anybody of any age anywhere about pretty much anything and always could. She doesn't meet strangers. She's the total opposite of me (who is not an only child, went to public schools, and is very much of an introvert! ). She has always enjoyed being an only child and says she's satified as she is (I have a cousin who is in her 50's who is also an only child and has always said the same thing - she's one of the most social people I've ever known and always was).

I don't know that I would call only children not well adjusted but they are "different". MY experience with only children ranges from one of my roommates in college who had "her space" and "everyone else's space". Her things went in a certain place and you better not move them or crowd things into her space. We had an apartment and everyone brought some things for the apartment to share-dishes, pots/pans, etc. She bought glasses and oh BOY don't touch HER glasses-yet she had no problems using everything else. I would never again room with an only child, sorry.

Hey, that was my daughter's college roommate! She brought all of her own dishes, glasses, pots/pans, etc. No sharing whatsoever for any reason. She wasn't an only child though.

DS is an only, 17 years old and pretty well adjusted. He does have a lot of buddies, and most weekends I either have no kids or a houseful of them.

We have sometimes taken his friends with us on vacation, and I feel like some of them are "my kids", too.

That was us. She always had lots of friends around, and we generally took at least one on trips with us (cheaper to borrow them than to "own" them full time! ).

My DD is an only and I am told all of the time by parents and teachers how kind, generous and socially mature she is; DD is known as "the responsible one" amongst her friend's parents.

The onlies I know (both adult and child) tend to be some of the more creative, imaginitive people I know and tend to be more confident in themselves; probably because they often have to amuse and depend on themselves.

Frankly, most kids, no matter the sibling situation, turn out well adjusted and normal. Do onlies have individual quirks? Sure but so does everyone else. I agree with the advice that you need to do what is right for YOUR family and ignore everyone else. As for the persistant nosy Nellies? A good MYOB goes along way.

I could have written this myself and agree with it 100%.

 

[tar heel]

I'm an only child. I stayed with my grandmother while my mother worked. She also took care of two cousins, so I had regular sibling-like experiences!

I never longed for a sibling as a child, but I would love to have one or more now. Being the only child of aging parents is a huge responsibility.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes, a couple of these people are annoying but the others are very nice people. This post reminds me of when homeschooling parents say their kids are well adjusted socially and others say that they are not, yet the parents never see what their kids are like away from them so how do they know. Only children have never had siblings so they don't know if they really are well adjusted or whatever, do they, they can't be objective.

Wow you are just out to insult everyone today aren't you?
I am confused as to how having no siblings means you cannot see if a child is well adjusted but (assuming the opposite is true for you here0 having siblings means you can?

Well head on over to the college posts and the marching band posts where I mention the boys.

If you read my post I was the one that pointed out that being an only or having siblings isn't about being "well adjusted" just "different". I never said only kids were not well adjusted the OP did.

Two things (the first totally unrelated to this thread's topic)--I get where that post was coming from with the kids. I was stunned recently reading about your son in band because before that i also thought you had just the one girl (for years). I am kind of relieved I am not the only person who missed all of your posts about your sons
The real thing--Yes, you did SAY "different" and not "not well adjusted" but then you used examples of some pretty extreme behaviour that most people would consider not well adjsuted (like all of us only children are really going to refuse to share our dishes while using everyone else's OR have to buy 2 of every major item so we do not have to use the same as our spouse I mean seriously, that is NOT just different quirky behaviour-it goes a bit beyond and would generally be regarded quite poorly).

Traveling is a huge part of our lives. There is so much that DD can learn and experience through travel. I really don’t see how it would be possible with multiple kids.


It made me laugh, that you wanted a sibling as much as you wanted a horse.

1. If you really love to travel you can do it with multiple children too My 2 had passports as infants (they are on their third each now at 11 and 13) and have visited (big pause to count now--I do not think I am leaving anywhere out) 21 countries thus far as well as (coincidentally) 21 US states (including Hawaii). No, we do not count places we just pass through in airports, on trains or in cars. That is not a visit. It helps living in Europe now, but they had well over half of these before we came. When travel is a priority it can be with or without children.

2. Truth be told, I am sure I wanted a horse more than a sibling I just meant to illustrate it was not some huge gap in my life--just one of those things I "thought" I wanted from time to time but only thought of the fun aspects and never really expected to get.

 

[scrapbookworm]

I am an only, and I have an only. She is 10, and people STILL ask me when we are going to have another one. I have a bad back, my house is too small, and we are very content as a family of 3. I was very fortunate that I had a bit of a 'reprieve' from my back issues during my pregnancy. They resumed a couple years later. I've had 2 surgeries already, and need a 3rd one.

Please, don't flame me for what I'm about to say. I'm not really complaining- I'm just stating some facts. I hope that this doesn't sound shallow. And I am certainly NOT advocating having another child b/c of this reason. But it is something to keep in mind for the future.

One down side to being an only for me is when my stepfather died last year, my mom had no one else besides me and my DH to depend upon. I have no other brothers and sisters to help her out. My stepbrother has not check on her since his father died. We live about 45 minutes away, and have for all 13 years that we've been married. After the funeral, we were the only ones to come to her house. I felt so horrible when I had to go home. But, I had spent nearly 3 days with her, and my child needed me too. I had handed her off to my dad and stepmom so that my DH and I could assist my mom, and she wasn't taking it well. Mom only has one grandchild to come see her, only one child- ME- to check on her. It seems like when others I know became widowed, they had a steady stream of family, friends, and church family to check on the widow. Not so in my mom's case. Only one relative in my stepfather's family checks on her, his brother's STBX-wife. He had 2 brothers, 1 sister, and 1 son, and none of them ever call on her.

So it has been difficult for all of us. She has come to depend upon my DH for the 'man's work' around her home. He recently had to tell her that he could no longer keep doing all her yard work. She only paid him a couple times, but the lack of money isn't the reason. It was killing my DH to do all of our yard work and all of her yard work, plus he works full time, and she lives 45 minutes away. I can't do it for her b/c I work full time (office job) and I have a bad back. I've never been able to do yard work.

 

[NMAmy]

One down side to being an only for me is when my stepfather died last year, my mom had no one else besides me and my DH to depend upon. I have no other brothers and sisters to help her out. My stepbrother has not check on her since his father died. We live about 45 minutes away, and have for all 13 years that we've been married. After the funeral, we were the only ones to come to her house. I felt so horrible when I had to go home. But, I had spent nearly 3 days with her, and my child needed me too. I had handed her off to my dad and stepmom so that my DH and I could assist my mom, and she wasn't taking it well. Mom only has one grandchild to come see her, only one child- ME- to check on her. It seems like when others I know became widowed, they had a steady stream of family, friends, and church family to check on the widow. Not so in my mom's case. Only one relative in my stepfather's family checks on her, his brother's STBX-wife. He had 2 brothers, 1 sister, and 1 son, and none of them ever call on her.

I'm not flaming you but it often happens that only one sibling cares for a parent--no matter how many siblings are in the family. I have two sisters but I live closest to my mother--so DH and I are the ones that help her and care for her when she needs it simply because of proximity. Having siblings is no guarantee that they'll assist with the care of an elderly parents.

 

[Christine]

I'm not flaming you but it often happens that only one sibling cares for a parent--no matter how many siblings are in the family. I have two sisters but I live closest to my mother--so DH and I are the ones that help her and care for her when she needs it simply because of proximity. Having siblings is no guarantee that they'll assist with the care of an elderly parents.

I see this ALL the time. There is always one sibling that is the caretaker.

One person I know is the middle child of three. The parents are ailing. The oldest sibling couldn't be bothered (lives 20 minutes from the parents). The younger sibling is 3 hours away and has small children and can't be there all the time. The middle sibling does EVERYTHING. I see this over and over.

When my grandmother was sick and then died, my mom (one of five) shouldered 80% of the caretaking. When my grandmother passed, they all came out of the woodwork and fought for her possessions. My mom said it was very stressful and would have been easier for her had it just been her.

 

[scrapbookworm]

I see this ALL the time. There is always one sibling that is the caretaker.

One person I know is the middle child of three. The parents are ailing. The oldest sibling couldn't be bothered (lives 20 minutes from the parents). The younger sibling is 3 hours away and has small children and can't be there all the time. The middle sibling does EVERYTHING. I see this over and over.

When my grandmother was sick and then died, my mom (one of five) shouldered 80% of the caretaking. When my grandmother passed, they all came out of the woodwork and fought for her possessions. My mom said it was very stressful and would have been easier for her had it just been her.

That's a good point. Kinda like how multiple kids is no guarantee that they will all get along.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Where I think being an only child is tough is way down the road, when they have to deal with their parents death. Both my parents died by the time I was 28. I was so glad to have my sister to lean on. I have a friend who is an only child whose mother passed away a couple of years ago. It was really tough time for her (it is for everyone of course), but she mentioned a couple of times how she'd never wished for a sibling in her life as much as she did then.

Rather than asking if there are well adjust only children out there, because frankly everyone who only has one is going to tell you their child is well adjusted (just like everyone who has multiple children are going to say theirs are well adjusted), maybe ask do adults who were only children wish they had had a sibling.

I'm the middle of 3 children. My father died when I was quite young. When my mother dies, I can pretty much guarantee that I'll deal with it alone, and that I'll lean on friends, or maybe my son if he's reached adulthood. My brother is just to self centered to be a support for something like that, and my sister is significantly disabled in a way that would impact her ability to be there.

My son is an only at age 11. I'm not sure whether he'll be an only forever, but having someone to lean on if I die isn't a factor for me in that decision.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Yes, a couple of these people are annoying but the others are very nice people. This post reminds me of when homeschooling parents say their kids are well adjusted socially and others say that they are not, yet the parents never see what their kids are like away from them so how do they know. Only children have never had siblings so they don't know if they really are well adjusted or whatever, do they, they can't be objective.

My son goes to a brick and mortar school, and, since I work, about a million summer camps, spring break camps, etc . . . I've never seen what he was like when I was away -- how, exactly, would I do that? Special goggles?

Actually, I had a parent of a child in my school once who would hide in the bushes and watch her child at recess to make sure noone bullied him. Once he had to go to the bathroom and she popped out, took him, and then got back in the bushes when she returned. I guess she thought she knew what her child was like when she was away. Maybe I'll try that -- think it will help my middle schooler grow up well adjusted?

As a parent of an only I could say that my friends with multiple kids don't know whether their children are well adjusted. They don't know how well they can entertain themselves, or whether they have the confidence to participate in social events with no other children.

If I homeschooled (I'm a big homeschooling advocate, just don't do it myself) I could say that my friends with "schooled" children don't know how to direct their own learning, and carve out their own areas of interest, that they aren't independent enough, that they don't have the experience and skills to be successful in groups of children of varying ages and do better in the artificial environments where all the kids are the same age.

But the reality is that the term "well-adjusted" doesn't mean that your child has adjusted to someone else's restricted idea of "normal", it means that they've adjusted well to the variety of environments that they are in, and you can use that information to predict that they will probably do well in whatever environments they choose down the road. I don't see any indication that my only schooled child is less prepared to do that a child who has siblings or is homeschooled, or grows up in a more rural area, or is different in any one of a number of other ways.

 

[amyren]

The aging parent thing has really made me think about our decision BUT I agree with these two posters on the issue:

I'm not flaming you but it often happens that only one sibling cares for a parent--no matter how many siblings are in the family. I have two sisters but I live closest to my mother--so DH and I are the ones that help her and care for her when she needs it simply because of proximity. Having siblings is no guarantee that they'll assist with the care of an elderly parents.

I see this ALL the time. There is always one sibling that is the caretaker. One person I know is the middle child of three. The parents are ailing. The oldest sibling couldn't be bothered (lives 20 minutes from the parents). The younger sibling is 3 hours away and has small children and can't be there all the time. The middle sibling does EVERYTHING. I see this over and over. When my grandmother was sick and then died, my mom (one of five) shouldered 80% of the caretaking. When my grandmother passed, they all came out of the woodwork and fought for her possessions. My mom said it was very stressful and would have been easier for her had it just been her.

It’s true. My mother’s parents both died just after DD was born (within 6 weeks of each other). My grandmother had dementia and had to be put in assisted living. My grandfather had failing health but refused to go to assisted living so he stayed at home. My mother has 2 siblings but she did about 95% of the care and visiting for both of her parents. After work she would drive across town to check on my grandmother 3-4 times a week. Then she would return home to prepare meals and do laundry for my grandfather (who lived close by). Her sister lives out of state and would visit on occasion; her work-a-holic brother would stop in randomly. It was really hard on her. I know it created some resentment towards her siblings.

 

[golfgal]

Like I said, you can't come out and ask someone if they think they are "well adjusted" of course most people will say yes-it has nothing to do with being an only child or being a Dugger, it has everything to do with being SUBJECTIVE/OBJECTIVE. I posted MY experience with only children ranging from high school aged kids to adults. I am sure they would all feel they are well adjusted, using the OP's terminology, however as an outsider looking in, they just deal differently with some situations, period. No reason to get your undies in a wad.

 

[mdsoccermom]

YOU SPEAK MY LANGUAGE! ARE WE TWINS???!!! I have an amazing daughter and it is just such a wonderful experience getting to know her and spend quality time with her. We get to go to WDW each year, (which might change when we have to buy her tickets starting next year.) We get to go to fairs and museums and all those fun places. A friend who has 4 kids said she laughed when a friend of hers invited them to the beach, "By myself, with 4 kids 8 and under at the beach? Are you nuts? Never!" which I thought was sad because it was just a free public beach. I talked to another friend who has 3 kids and told her how we went to the fun amusement park attached to the zoo. I said it was only $16.99 for an all-day wristband. Her response was, "Yea, but for us that is times 3 kids so we just can't do it." I thought that was a sad comment as well. Not that they don't love their kids any less, with more kids come more expenses and I want to be able to have fun and enjoy life with mine. We aren't made out of money, but we like our vacations and day trips.

So for us, as of right now DD will be an only child. I am fine with that. Some times I get sad when I think some women have 6 and do just fine and I have one and that's enough. But I need some sense of myself each day. I can't just give to others full time. It may be more selfish of me to try to give her a bro or sis if I go crazy in the process and can't be a good person to anyone. But tomorrow is another day and you never know. Today, we are a very content fam of 3! And one fur baby!

See, but you really aren't much different from your friends who say they can't afford things with multiple children. You like your vacations, but you admit you may not be able to do Disney every year once you have to pay for your daughter.

There are many families with multiple kids that travel extensively with the kids. Heck, I know several families with 5 kids or more that do it just fine. Just like there are many families with one child that can't afford to do much. It takes all kinds.

As for your friend who didn't feel like she could take 4 kids to the beach by herself, that's a function of her personality, and not the function of just having multiple kids.

Oh, and I am an only child.

 

[powellrj]

I'm not flaming you but it often happens that only one sibling cares for a parent--no matter how many siblings are in the family. I have two sisters but I live closest to my mother--so DH and I are the ones that help her and care for her when she needs it simply because of proximity. Having siblings is no guarantee that they'll assist with the care of an elderly parents.

I never would have believed this until it happened to us. DH has 2 brothers. His mom died 3 years ago from ALS and 6 months later his dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. DH was the total caregiver to his dad.

1 brother never showed up for either parents funeral and the other brother showed up 12 hours before his dads funeral. We knew his father was dying and kept calling his brother to come up, couldn't be bothered.

His father died on monday and our DS was getting married on saturday so we could really have used the help. Nope, he wanted to "save" his days.

My dad and I planned his fathers funeral (we had done some of it before hand, but his father was adamant nothing be done ahead of time). Because of the time issue and it was just "us" we had the showing before the funeral on wednesday. His brother had the nerve to complain that we didn't have an all day showing the day before the funeral.

Sorry, but we had a rehearsal dinner I was making all the food for and a wedding reception that I was also making the food for that took priority.

DH isn't speaking to his brother that didn't show up for either funeral and I am not speaking to either of them. I told his brother that he needed to thank my parents for all the work they did before his dad died like bringing him lunch everyday and my dad would spend entire afternoons just sitting with his dad visiting. Add to the fact that my dad helped plan his dad funeral, I thought a thank-you was the least he could do. I am still waiting on the thank-you 2 years later.

Sorry to ramble, but can you tell I am still a little bitter????

 

[Rora]

I'm an only child and consider myself normal. Was I spoiled as a child as a result of being an "only"? Probably. Did I miss having someone to play with 24 hours a day when I was little? Yes.

BUT-- I know a lot of what I had as a child (travel experiences, no school loans, etc) wouldn't have been possible if I had had a sibling since my parents finances were tight. They wouldn't have been able to swing it if they had another child. Sometimes I wish I had grown sibling I could talk to that would understand the issues I have with my mom, but I do have a great support system of friends and cousins that I consider siblings.

 

[mjkacmom]

YOU SPEAK MY LANGUAGE! ARE WE TWINS???!!! What you're saying is exactly my life some times. I have a DD who will be 3 in Dec. I had three friends who had babies around the same time I did. They now all have #2 and I get the same questions about when my #2 is arriving. Finally my best friend, whose daughter is just a month older than mine had a boy in April. She told me the truth..."You need to wait. This is hell!" She told me the truth about what it is like to have a 2.5 yr. old and a newborn and I was so glad because people leave those fine details out some times. Although she loves her kids to death, she said some days she white knuckes it from wake-up to bed time...and she hasn't even gone back to work yet!

I had a horribly trying pregnancy with every ailment and symptom you can imagine from 5 weeks to birth. I had a wonderful baby, she just would never sleep. I have a DH who works nights at least 2 weeks a month so I single-parent it then and it is tough working and taking care of a child and a household.

I have an amazing daughter and it is just such a wonderful experience getting to know her and spend quality time with her. We get to go to WDW each year, (which might change when we have to buy her tickets starting next year.) We get to go to fairs and museums and all those fun places. A friend who has 4 kids said she laughed when a friend of hers invited them to the beach, "By myself, with 4 kids 8 and under at the beach? Are you nuts? Never!" which I thought was sad because it was just a free public beach. I talked to another friend who has 3 kids and told her how we went to the fun amusement park attached to the zoo. I said it was only $16.99 for an all-day wristband. Her response was, "Yea, but for us that is times 3 kids so we just can't do it." I thought that was a sad comment as well. Not that they don't love their kids any less, with more kids come more expenses and I want to be able to have fun and enjoy life with mine. We aren't made out of money, but we like our vacations and day trips.

So for us, as of right now DD will be an only child. I am fine with that. Some times I get sad when I think some women have 6 and do just fine and I have one and that's enough. But I need some sense of myself each day. I can't just give to others full time. It may be more selfish of me to try to give her a bro or sis if I go crazy in the process and can't be a good person to anyone. But tomorrow is another day and you never know. Today, we are a very content fam of 3! And one fur baby!

I will admit that we don't go to amusement parks and movies often, because of the expense, but I would NEVER trade any of my kids for the ability to buy things! My children play together on a daily basis, and love their siblings so much. We don't have to go places to keep them entertained - they're playing hide-and-seek, making up games, just enjoying each other, on a daily basis. I only had one sister - I had no idea of what I missed out on not having a big family (BTW, my sister has 3, and would have more if her DH was on the same page).

Now, if someone only wants one child, fine, but I hate to hear that that decision was made because of vacations and other monetary stuff. Each child has made our family richer, even if our bank statements don't agree.

 

[sunnyday123]

As to Golfgals comments--boy she knows some oddball people I guess
Seriously, I DO tend to think the kids must hate each other the way they bicker sometimes, but DH and pretty much everyone else I know who has siblings tell me they get along great
I do NOT have issues with sharing things or feel the need to own a second of any thing so as to keep my DH or kids from using it. I do not know ANYone who does that My DH (youngest of 4) likes to have everything a certain way and in its own place and turned at just the right angles or whatnot--so I guess he has a harder time sharing "his" space with me and the kids than I do with him.
I guess the post rubbed me wrong because that is exactly the stereotype of onlies I always hear and I have yet to meet a single one like those golfgal knows (thank goodness==they all sound rather annoying don't they?)

I don't know anyone like that, either! And I have a ton of friends who are only children. Must be that stellar school system in MN!!!

 

[JerseyJanice]

I have an only child. It was not by choice, and I struggled for years to accept it.

However, things have a way of working out for the best. My son will turn 14 in about a week and is a joy to raise in every way. I couldn't have asked for a better child. He is truly a wonderful human being, and we are very proud of him.

He asked for siblings a few times when he was little, but for the most part, he doesn't seem to think he's missed out on anything by being an only.

The worst thing I have encountered personally are comments from rude, ignorant people. I've had other mothers insinuate I am somehow less of a mother or woman for having only one baby. I've been told I am selfish for not considering how DS will feel about being alone when DH and I are gone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Like I said, you can't come out and ask someone if they think they are "well adjusted" of course most people will say yes-it has nothing to do with being an only child or being a Dugger, it has everything to do with being SUBJECTIVE/OBJECTIVE. I posted MY experience with only children ranging from high school aged kids to adults. I am sure they would all feel they are well adjusted, using the OP's terminology, however as an outsider looking in, they just deal differently with some situations, period. No reason to get your undies in a wad.

Since approximately 10% of adults in the US are only children (and the newer trend is about 20% of younger families have only one) I find it hard to imagine that 10% of the adults you know are as odd as the examples you gave. Maybe they really are (and all the people with siblings are all pretty normal) but it would seem to me you are focusing on some rare extremes. I think some people tend to do this because they are conditioned to expect such selfish or anti-social behaviours form only children thanks to the pervasive myth in our society. My "undies" aren't in a wad, but I do like to do what I can to dispel that myth--because it is frankly annoying (and a bit insulting) to hear over and over and over again (usually from peopel who have no idea I am an only child).

 

[AustinTink]

yet the parents never see what their kids are like away from them so how do they know. Only children have never had siblings so they don't know if they really are well adjusted or whatever, do they, they can't be objective.

What the heck?

So, I guess since I volunteer at my kid's school everyday, in the classroom/library/office I, too, have no idea how he interacts with other kids? And those playgroups we participated in from birth to school age mean nothing, as well.

And the sports practices and games we attend, basketball, soccer, TKD, football... nope I don't see any interaction there either.

And, the kids that call and knock on our door everyday to come play with my boy couldn't possibly think he is nice or well adjusted. And, I don't see them interact for the hours (and days) that they are under my roof.

That bolded line has to be the most confusing statement from you on this subject, so far.

 

[golfgal]

Since approximately 10% of adults in the US are only children (and the newer trend is about 20% of younger families have only one) I find it hard to imagine that 10% of the adults you know are as odd as the examples you gave. Maybe they really are (and all the people with siblings are all pretty normal) but it would seem to me you are focusing on some rare extremes. I think some people tend to do this because they are conditioned to expect such selfish or anti-social behaviours form only children thanks to the pervasive myth in our society. My "undies" aren't in a wad, but I do like to do what I can to dispel that myth--because it is frankly annoying (and a bit insulting) to hear over and over and over again (usually from peopel who have no idea I am an only child).

Oh please, I was giving some examples of only children I know-so what. I can give plenty of examples of kids from families with many children too but that is not what the OP was asking about. Again, YOU may think you are just fine but from someone looking from the outside in doesn't have the same opinion (you collectively, not you specifically). I never said ALL the only children I know are like this, just these specific ones are. Most people would probably not assume they are only children either until they get to know them well enough and see their quirks that DO come from being only children.