Only children?

[Kimberle]

You need to make your decision on what's best for *your* family. People are rude to tell you need more children. Siblings guarentee a relative, not a "friend". Now, lots of siblings do grow up to have good adult relationships. But, there are many who don't. I know many people who never speak w/ their siblings.

My dd is an only. She has lots of friends who are only's.

One "perk", when my only flies the nest, I can follow her whereever she decides to move. I have a friend w/ 3 adult kids, 1 lives in CT, 1 in VA, and 1 in MT. She's always traveling around to see them and get very "stressed" that they are so far apart and doesn't see her grandkids as often as she'd like.

 

[golfgal]

I don't know that I would call only children not well adjusted but they are "different". MY experience with only children ranges from one of my roommates in college who had "her space" and "everyone else's space". Her things went in a certain place and you better not move them or crowd things into her space. We had an apartment and everyone brought some things for the apartment to share-dishes, pots/pans, etc. She bought glasses and oh BOY don't touch HER glasses-yet she had no problems using everything else. I would never again room with an only child, sorry.

Then adult friends-again, well adjusted, just different. One couple-he is an only-they have 2 of everything-two lawn mowers, two snow blowers, etc. He loves doing lawn work but if he is out of town his wife needs to use "her" lawn mower .

Another adult couple-both only children-he does stuff like buys himself a new something and gives her the old one-for a present. One example, he bought a new snowmobile and gave her his old one for her birthday one year. That didn't go over well at all. They have 2 little girls and the girls are in school or daycare all day and have a babysitter most evenings so mom and dad can do whatever--sometimes that babysitter is there when they are home just to occupy the kids so they don't bother them when they are trying to watch tv or whatever . They spend at least 2 weekends/month at Grandmas so mom and dad can "get a break" from them.

Another couple, she is an only--they have 2 children and anytime they go ANYWHERE-the store, Grandmas, vacation-they take 2 cars because she can't stand the arguing, which is normal kid stuff but not having siblings she doesn't understand that boys sock each other in the arm just because one of them is standing there.

One of DS15's friends is an only-again, great kid-just doesn't quite get the interaction thing. They just got back from band camp and the whole sharing a dorm room thing was not his cup of tea. His parents pretty much told him to suck it up buttercup, it's life so he got better about it.

 

[marcyinPA]

Only child here. I feel pretty well-adjusted! There were times, however, that I was lonely as a kid. I had friends, but it's not the same. And as an adult, I really wish I had a sibling who could help me take care of my parents as they age. I will tell you that this is a bit of a stresser for me. I have a great husband, but again, not the same thing.

Aside from those issues, being an only child DID NOT mess me up! I get along with others and I'm not spoiled

For myself, though, I never wanted an only child. We have two boys and are happy with that arrangement.

ETA: I have to admit that I don't always understand the sibling thing that goes on between my boys. My DH is the youngest of three kids, so helps me understand those dynamics!

 

[golfgal]

You need to make your decision on what's best for *your* family. People are rude to tell you need more children. Siblings guarentee a relative, not a "friend". Now, lots of siblings do grow up to have good adult relationships. But, there are many who don't. I know many people who never speak w/ their siblings.

My dd is an only. She has lots of friends who are only's.

One "perk", when my only flies the nest, I can follow her whereever she decides to move. I have a friend w/ 3 adult kids, 1 lives in CT, 1 in VA, and 1 in MT. She's always traveling around to see them and get very "stressed" that they are so far apart and doesn't see her grandkids as often as she'd like.

I see that as a good thing-I can travel all over the place visiting the kids. We are encouraging our kids to spread out around the country so we have good vacation spots (kidding, mostly).

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I don't know that I would call only children not well adjusted but they are "different". MY experience with only children ranges from one of my roommates in college who had "her space" and "everyone else's space". Her things went in a certain place and you better not move them or crowd things into her space. We had an apartment and everyone brought some things for the apartment to share-dishes, pots/pans, etc. She bought glasses and oh BOY don't touch HER glasses-yet she had no problems using everything else. I would never again room with an only child, sorry.

Then adult friends-again, well adjusted, just different. One couple-he is an only-they have 2 of everything-two lawn mowers, two snow blowers, etc. He loves doing lawn work but if he is out of town his wife needs to use "her" lawn mower .

Another adult couple-both only children-he does stuff like buys himself a new something and gives her the old one-for a present. One example, he bought a new snowmobile and gave her his old one for her birthday one year. That didn't go over well at all. They have 2 little girls and the girls are in school or daycare all day and have a babysitter most evenings so mom and dad can do whatever--sometimes that babysitter is there when they are home just to occupy the kids so they don't bother them when they are trying to watch tv or whatever . They spend at least 2 weekends/month at Grandmas so mom and dad can "get a break" from them.

Another couple, she is an only--they have 2 children and anytime they go ANYWHERE-the store, Grandmas, vacation-they take 2 cars because she can't stand the arguing, which is normal kid stuff but not having siblings she doesn't understand that boys sock each other in the arm just because one of them is standing there.

One of DS15's friends is an only-again, great kid-just doesn't quite get the interaction thing. They just got back from band camp and the whole sharing a dorm room thing was not his cup of tea. His parents pretty much told him to suck it up buttercup, it's life so he got better about it.

I have seen those attitudes with people that were not only children. In fact I see them all the time with people who have a lot of siblings and never got their own items. They end up overcompensating as soon as they are out of the house.

Just because the OP doesn't want to have another child doesn't mean she is going to end up with a socially awkward kid. Nor does having a second child guarantee your kids are going to be well adjusted human beings.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As to Golfgals comments--boy she knows some oddball people I guess
Seriously, I DO tend to think the kids must hate each other the way they bicker sometimes, but DH and pretty much everyone else I know who has siblings tell me they get along great
I do NOT have issues with sharing things or feel the need to own a second of any thing so as to keep my DH or kids from using it. I do not know ANYone who does that My DH (youngest of 4) likes to have everything a certain way and in its own place and turned at just the right angles or whatnot--so I guess he has a harder time sharing "his" space with me and the kids than I do with him.
I guess the post rubbed me wrong because that is exactly the stereotype of onlies I always hear and I have yet to meet a single one like those golfgal knows (thank goodness==they all sound rather annoying don't they?)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My sister has an only. Very sweet girl. My sister complains quite a bit about different things and wonders if it is because she is an only for some of them (like sharing). But to me, nothing stands out to say that the kid is marked for life. My sister wouldn't have another to "fix" that...pretty crappy reason to choose to have a child or to tell a parent who has only one. I think she will give them a run for their money when she hits puberty...but that has nothing to do with being an only.

I think she will turn out great. And I have 4.

I did ask once as I didn't know her plans.
But it was "did she plan on it". And not "when is the next one coming?". That isn't appropriate at all.

 

[golfgal]

As to Golfgals comments--boy she knows some oddball people I guess
Seriously, I DO tend to think the kids must hate each other the way they bicker sometimes, but DH and pretty much everyone else I know who has siblings tell me they get along great
I do NOT have issues with sharing things or feel the need to own a second of any thing so as to keep my DH or kids from using it. I do not know ANYone who does that My DH (youngest of 4) likes to have everything a certain way and in its own place and turned at just the right angles or whatnot--so I guess he has a harder time sharing "his" space with me and the kids than I do with him.
I guess the post rubbed me wrong because that is exactly the stereotype of onlies I always hear and I have yet to meet a single one like those golfgal knows (thank goodness==they all sound rather annoying don't they?)

Yes, a couple of these people are annoying but the others are very nice people. This post reminds me of when homeschooling parents say their kids are well adjusted socially and others say that they are not, yet the parents never see what their kids are like away from them so how do they know. Only children have never had siblings so they don't know if they really are well adjusted or whatever, do they, they can't be objective.

 

[mrsv98]

This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart as DD is an only. The
myth that only children are spoiled and self centered is an old one perpetuated by one man in the late 1800s. There is absolutely no legitimate research to back this "theory" up and in actuality, only children are generally more successful than children with siblings.

There was an excellent in-depth article in Time Magazine earlier this month http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2002382,00.html that really goes in to detail about how this nonsense was started and why it is totally untrue.

DD will be an only and while she asked for siblings occasionally when she was younger, she understands our reasoning about why we didn't have another and is happy as can be. She has 14 cousins and plenty of friends but she can also play for ages alone, amusing herself with her unbelievable imagination. I would have liked DD to have a sister who is close as my DSis and I are but it didn't work out but I have no worries about her and know she will be very successful and well adjusted.

 

[whatcateydid]

I'm an only child. I'm quite introverted and always have been, but I'm not sure whether that's nature or nurture. I don't think I ever really wanted a sibling growing up, I spent a lot of time with friends who hated theirs and it never seemed appealing! I went through a Parent Trap phase where I was desperate for a twin but there's not that much anyone could have done about that! I don't really feel like I've been negatively affected by being an only child. I feel isolated at times, but I grew up far away from all of my extended relatives and my mum and I moved to a whole new town when my parents divorced when I was fourteen, so I think things like that have a lot more to do with those feelings. If you are happy with your family the way it is and are reasonably sure that your child has a network of family and will be able to socialise without having a sibling who is a potential built in playmate then don't worry about what other people think.

 

[whatsup]

Oh boy I just love those questions!!
I HAVE an only child, well maybe not a child 29 years old!
Anyhow I was always asked that same question, when you having another, she needs a sibling etc... WELL my answer was always she is doing just fine and having siblings don't really matter because at some point in time everyone has there own life to live. I have siblings that I NEVER see and one lives 3 streets over and the other 10 miles away! Growing up we were never really close because we were each 4 years apart.

So if you and your husband are happy that way then so be it. It is really no ones business.

 

[wwithers]

What #10, #11 and #29 said.

My DD is an only and I am told all of the time by parents and teachers how kind, generous and socially mature she is; DD is known as "the responsible one" amongst her friend's parents.

The onlies I know (both adult and child) tend to be some of the more creative, imaginitive people I know and tend to be more confident in themselves; probably because they often have to amuse and depend on themselves.

We were concerned with DD being well socialized with other kids so we put her in preschool a couple of half days a week when she was 22 months.

Frankly, most kids, no matter the sibling situation, turn out well adjusted and normal. Do onlies have individual quirks? Sure but so does everyone else. I agree with the advice that you need to do what is right for YOUR family and ignore everyone else. As for the persistant nosy Nellies? A good MYOB goes along way.

 

[aprilgail2]

I'm an only child and I always wanted a sibling as I didn't enjoy being an only. I'm 53 and still wish I had a brother or sister.
:

I spend my childhood wishing I WAS an only child--couldn't stand having a brother and wished and wished I was an only child!
My daughter is an only child and is going to stay that way- she has no desire to have any siblings either....she response to that is always a big old NO-I do not want any brothers or sisters!!!

 

[wwithers]

Oh boy I just love those questions!!
I HAVE an only child, well maybe not a child 29 years old!
Anyhow I was always asked that same question, when you having another, she needs a sibling etc... WELL my answer was always she is doing just fine and having siblings don't really matter because at some point in time everyone has there own life to live. I have siblings that I NEVER see and one lives 3 streets over and the other 10 miles away! Growing up we were never really close because we were each 4 years apart.

So if you and your husband are happy that way then so be it. It is really no ones business.

Interestingly, siblings with a spread of four or more years between them are, for all intents and purposes, psychological "onlies" (in that they have personality traits more commonly associated with onlies rather than kids with siblings).

 

[danalee]

My DS is a one & only! Plus the only grandchild on my mom's side and on hubby side the only other grandchild is 29, as my son will tell you "I got it good"

That all said he very well adjusted, kind, caring and just an all around good kid. I have teachers as well as other parents tell me the same, so i'm thinking he is doing just fine.
Like someone else said, he is not interested in having a sibling as all of his friends do and it dosent intrest him at all (thank-goodness)

We like being a family of three, and honestly I love just having one!!

 

[dislal]

I believe you have to do what is best for YOU, no one else will be there to help you take care of them.

I just have to say that I had two older (4 and 6 years older) brothers growing up and I always thought they were the greatest things on earth, and we still all get along great and I pray all the time that my kids will always have the same kind of relationship I had with my brothers. There is just no way to explain the kind of bond we have.

 

[donac]

Interestingly, siblings with a spread of four or more years between them are, for all intents and purposes, psychological "onlies" (in that they have personality traits more commonly associated with onlies rather than kids with siblings).

That is like my sons they are 5 years apart.

To OP When I had my first son it took us 4 years before we decided to have a second one. The first one is exhausting. I know for me that having 2 close together would not work.

With the boys 5 years apart we have been lucky with college. We will be paying for college for 9 years (older son took 5 years ) but we will only be paying one tuition each year and not 2.

Good luck. Only you could decide what is good for your family.

 

[arminnie]

When I was a kid and my mom would go to conferences and a few teachers (when I was in elementary school) would mention to my mom "She doesn't seem like an only child?".

I have a brother 3 years younger than I am. My mother told me that he teachers always asked if I was an only child. I never mentioned my brother!!! I also have a sister 12 years younge,r but she really was raised basically as an only child.

My cousin's daughter (about 40) is an only and is the kindest, nicest most considerate person I've ever met. I on the other hand had two siblings but was totally self-absorbed as a child!!

 

[NMAmy]

Another couple, she is an only--they have 2 children and anytime they go ANYWHERE-the store, Grandmas, vacation-they take 2 cars because she can't stand the arguing, which is normal kid stuff but not having siblings she doesn't understand that boys sock each other in the arm just because one of them is standing there.

I didn't realize that siblings hitting each other meant they were well adjusted. Actually, I'm one of three siblings and a big reason I have an only is to avoid this kind of crap. I can totally understand that mother wanting to ride in another car to avoid the arguing.

Yes, a couple of these people are annoying but the others are very nice people. This post reminds me of when homeschooling parents say their kids are well adjusted socially and others say that they are not, yet the parents never see what their kids are like away from them so how do they know. Only children have never had siblings so they don't know if they really are well adjusted or whatever, do they, they can't be objective.

As I said before, I had three siblings. My dd is an only. She's an adult and acts just like me so I think I have a pretty good view that she's turned out well adjusted. Since when do siblings make one well adjusted?

I was actually really surprised by your posts on this subject since I thought your dd was an only child. I don't usually look at signatures and I must have missed any threads that mentioned your other children.

 

[golfgal]

I didn't realize that siblings hitting each other meant they were well adjusted. Actually, I'm one of three siblings and a big reason I have an only is to avoid this kind of crap. I can totally understand that mother wanting to ride in another car to avoid the arguing.



As I said before, I had three siblings. My dd is an only. She's an adult and acts just like me so I think I have a pretty good view that she's turned out well adjusted. Since when do siblings make one well adjusted?

I was actually really surprised by your posts on this subject since I thought your dd was an only child. I don't usually look at signatures and I must have missed any threads that mentioned your other children.

Well head on over to the college posts and the marching band posts where I mention the boys.

If you read my post I was the one that pointed out that being an only or having siblings isn't about being "well adjusted" just "different". I never said only kids were not well adjusted the OP did.