One Kid, Two Kid, Three Kid, More Kids???

[writerriann]

That title's a bit misleading

Right now DH and I have DS5 whom we adore. We've considered having another child for ohhhh, 5 years now

For a long time we thought we were a one-kid kind of family. DH and I both like having our time alone (both separately and as a couple) and we seemed to have found a really nice balance in our little triangle shaped family. We travel a lot, are pretty active in DS's activities and school, and have our own interests we can pretty readily pursue.

Recently we had a surprise that unfortunately didn't make it One week everything was fine, the next it wasn't (this was very early on). It brought up the whole "will we? won't we?" conversation again because we found that we were pretty psyched about the possibility of another one, however short lived that possibility turned out to be.

I've always heard that 2 kids is actually 10x the work. So now, we're trying to decide if we want to push forward and have another. We're fine financially, etc. but it would change some things and put us firmly into "kid world" whereas now we sort of straddle the line between kid world and adult world. Plus, I'm anxious about the fact that should we proceed, DS would likely be pushing 7 and is that going to be okay in terms of their relationship and our family as a whole? Frankly, I don't care if they are playmates, buddies, whatever. That's what our dogs are for But, it does comfort me to know they'll have one another as adults and that there will be another piece to our family.

I feel insane about this because I keep going back in forth. After all, there are "no returns" with a little one. So DIS mommies:

1. Is 2 really crazy? I was nuts when we first had DS but that's largely because I had never been around babies and didn't know anything about kids. I feel calmer now, but I'm wondering about the logistics of two.

2. Anyone have kids spaced widely apart? I don't want to always be dragging the little one to the older one's activities. How does that work on vacations, etc."

3. Any one-child mommies feel totally cool with sticking to that decision? I thought I did but now I hear the nagging voice about having another. Will that voice go away or should I listen to it?

DH has a theory that it would actually be easier on me to have an oops because I'm way better as a "we'll deal with it" kind of person rather than a "pick one" kind of person.

I need woman advice!

 

[shirleyb]

I think you're really the only one that can answer this. I always knew I wanted 3 kids, and I was fine with stopping after 2, but then number 3 came along!!! I didn't find the transition between 1 kid and 2 kids to be anything major, but my oldest two are only 2 years apart. For me, the hard transition came from going from 2 kids to 3.

As far as the age thing, my BIL and SIL's two kids are 7 years apart, and it does seem to create a lot of issues and drama in their family. DH and I are much more easy going, and we always just drag the younger along, but for BIL and SIL it's always a big deal - "We can't do this because we have DD to worry about."

Good luck with your decision. I'm with you - I'm better dealing with an Oops than making a decision!

 

[rchristiansen]

You need to listen to yourself and what your DH wants. If you have that nagging voice, then it's telling you something.

We have one DD, age 8 1/2. When DD was about 15 months old, DH and I had a conversation about another child for about 10 seconds because that's what we were "supposed to do". We both agreed that one child was perfect for us. Never, ever, ever had I had the voice or thought that I want another child. It's not a decision that I have to "stick with" - It never even occurred to me that we would have another child. There aren't even any thoughts like you mentioned about how "we like our alone time" or "we can travel, etc" - It just IS. We never have to justify it.

I'm super happy where we are and love our 3 person family!

People have always asked me "How do you know you are done with just one?" I respond, "You know how you felt like you were done with just two (or 3), I feel the exact same way after one"

So, I'm not trying to convince you to ONLY have 1 child, but quite the opposite. If you have these thoughts, and are thinking about it and need to "justify" only have one child, then perhaps another child is what will complete your family.

 

[almburr]

I will give my 2cents. I have 5 children. Is it hard work? Yes, can it be managed? yes. Having more than one child is doable. I enjoy my time doing the things I love, I enjoy doing the things that the kids love. Here is how mine are aged DD16 11th grade, DD12 7th grade, DS10 4thgrade, DD9 3rd grade, DS6 K. So the younger ones go to all the sporting events ( they paint thier faces with thier sisters #)

We do go on family vacations including WDW! Do we always have the newest things? Not all the time, but we are never deprived.

I know some familys that spend way more on things than we do and they have only one child.

Every family make-up is different. Some prefere only 1, I happened to have 5.
To me having a 2nd child was not 10X worse I acually thought it was easier with each new addition

We are not having any more bundles of joy. 5 is plenty for me. After DS6 came along I knew we were done it was a feeling,

 

[mjkacmom]

Personally, I can't imagine 2 kids being difficult... Here are some things to think about:

My oldest was 6 when we became accidently pregnant with our twins. I had to deal with feelings of feeling like I was getting sucked back into baby mode, never to emerge (my youngest wasn't even 2 yet). Now, I can't believe my oldest is 14! The years get faster and faster, you blink, and they're grown. I am SO thankful for our happy accidents - I really don't know how I'd be coping right now if dd was an only. She spends all of her free time with friends, or in her room. Having younger kids to cuddle keeps me happy!

A friend of mine had her happy accident almost a year ago. Her kids are 7 and 8, and she is enjoying this new baby so much! Having the first 2 so close together, she really never got to enjoy the baby/toddler stage. Now, she has her days free, and her children LOVE their baby sister (and baby sister loves her siblings). It's awesome to see how siblings will interact - brings out a whole side you've never seen before.

After having my second, I was amazed at how different 2 children can be, and how much you can love them both so much. It was always exciting to see how their little personalities develop.

Of course, I'm not the most objective person to ask - I always wanted 3.

 

[golfgal]

I don't really think that 2 kids are really that much more work then one-we went from 1 to 3 so I don't know for sure . We had an almost 3 year old when we had our twins and honestly, it wasn't really that bad.

Yes, with kids spaced that far apart the younger one will be dragged along to the older one's stuff. Just make sure you do the reverse too.

In many ways having a child that is 5-6 is easier with a newborn--they are pretty independent, can toilet, feed, clothe themselves-plus they are in school a good chunk of the day and you can nap as needed. They can also help with the baby.

Four is just as easy to travel with as 3, when you get to 5+ people, that creates issues and added expenses beyond an extra plane ticket (needing 2 rooms vs one at many hotels, etc.).

 

[writerriann]

You need to listen to yourself and what your DH wants. If you have that nagging voice, then it's telling you something.

And that's really the kicker for me right there...

I was fine. And then we thought there would be another and then there wasn't. And now I'm not sure.

It's like it woke my ovaries up from hibernation. I'm not sure if I really want another one or if I'm just sad about what might have been.

 

[tar heel]

My two older sons were 6 and 10 when their little brother was born.

1-Two is crazier than one, of course, but it is not like having that first child when the whole dynamics of your life and household change. Also, you are not outnumbered until you have a third!

2-My youngest learned to sleep in the car as he was always dragged to his brother's activities. Our wide age ranges is one reason we started going to WDW so much -- there was something for every one and the baby swap option is amazing since the older kid (s) get to ride twice!

3-I can't answer that from a parent standpoint, but I AM an only child. I had a very happy childhood but would really love to have a sibling now.

My sons are now 27, 23 and 16. The two older ones have always been protective and almost parental toward their little brother. Both are closer to him than they are to each other. We used to leave the three of them home together with the two older ones both in charge as baby sitters. The 23-year-old, who is an artist, organized this wonderful series ofart lessons, which the little one hated (I think most kids would have been in heaven). If only the two of them had realized then that their connection is music, not visual art! The oldest decided to teach him what he knew best: math. The 16-year-old recently told me that he thought he probably knew all the math he needed for elementary school by the time he was in first grade! I don't know if that's true, but he did tutor his classmates.

 

[tar heel]

And that's really the kicker for me right there...

I was fine. And then we thought there would be another and then there wasn't. And now I'm not sure.

It's like it woke my ovaries up from hibernation.

That's pretty much what happened with my third one, too.

 

[Becky2005]

I think good points have already been brought up. If you have a nagging feeling you aren't done, then chances are you aren't.

I also thought going from 1 kid to 2 kids was nothing...going from 2 to 3 was hard and then going from 3 to 4 was nothing again.....although I did get VERY strange looks when DS first outing was literally his sister's gymnastics meet. Got out of the hospital on Saturday and there I was Sunday with him at the gymnastics meet. Some people were a little freaked out that he was 3 days old and I had him there - he was my 4th, wouldn't be the first time he just got to go along for the ride. I at least didn't drive but the other 2 boys were at Grandma's and I knew the baby would literally just sleep in his car carrier so it wasn't like it was that big of a deal.

There is a 10 year age difference between my oldest & youngest and those 2 get along great -- DS actually used to call DD "little mom" all the time and I was "big mom"...not sure I liked being "big" mom but it was cute!

I knew for me, I always wanted 4 kids but also knew I didn't want to have kids after 35...so I thought we may end up with only 3 kids and that was OK but then the little guy came along the year I turned 35.

I can see pregnant ladies & babies and not have any twinge of envy.

Although, I also always wanted an even number, so once we had baby #3, then we really needed baby #4. The world is set-up for 4 or 6. If you go to a a hotel -- it's set up mostly for 4. Restaraunts are mostly 4 person tables or 6 person tables. I am the youngest of 3 and I always hated having to be the one that had the chair pulled up or way back when they had station wagons -- had to be the one that sat on the hump because I was the youngest. The advantage was I WAS the one that got the cot in the hotel rooms though and I loved that.

 

[MomofKatie]

It can be hard to figure out! I had an experience much like yours- DD was almost 4, and DH and I were happy with her as an only. Then, I started feeling that pregnant feeling. Took the test, and all of a sudden, DD was going to be a big sister.

DH was happy, but I was very conflicted. I felt like another poster said- I'm going to be dragged back into baby life with diapers, formula, and no sleep. I was looking forward to DD being at 5 day a week preschool, and now I was going to have an infant to take care of. Of course, I also had happy moments, but I really wasn't used to the idea of another baby yet.

A week after learning I was pregnant, I miscarried. I didn't know how to feel then, either. DH was sad. My in laws were sad. My parents were sad. I was just kind of... relieved and guilty and blue and confused.

Fast forward almost 9 years- DD remained an only child, and I am very happy with our family. Oh, sure- every once in a while, when I see a kid who is about 8, I think, "We could have had one this age running around".

However- a big difference from how you feel- I never felt like maybe we should have another child after losing the preganacy. I was really happy with one, and never really yearned for what could have been. Having just one felt "right".

Long story short: if you are having those feelings, maybe you aren't done with kids yet. Your family may not be complete yet! And if it is, as long as you are OK with that, don't worry about it. Just let what happens happen. I wish you luck and peace with your decision.

 

[Hoodie]

First, if there is a nagging voice then give it a listen! I've heard lots of people my parents age who wish they had one more (whether 2nd, 3rd, or 4th) but have never heard anyone wish they hadn't had the last one.

That said, I truly feel sorry for single children now. When I was growing up I WISHED I was a single child. I was so envious of my friends who were singletons - they got to travel more, they had their own room, they didn't have to share everything they were ever given. Now those single children are grown up. One married someone who is also a single child. Their children have no aunts, uncles or cousins. This is really hard for her because she grew up with tons of cousins her age. She loved having that extended family and it makes her sad that her children will never have that. Another has had big fertility problems. He and his wife have been trying for years with no success. Obviously they are upset, but he's really upset for his parents who will most likely never have grandchildren. His parents are so sweet and would love to have grandkids running around but never will. Yet another had her parents get sick. She actually lost her mother and her father is not doing well. It's bad enough when parents get sick but when there are no siblings that know exactly what you are going through, and no siblings to help make decisions about the parents it's so much harder.

 

[nmmom95]

My kids are 5 1/2 years apart. Honestly, it is really easy. You get a lot of one- on-one time with the baby when the older one is at school. Babies sleep so much that you don't really lose anything with the older one. I know our older son loved helping with the baby. He would read to him while I fed him...it was adorable! Having children this far apart wasn't planned (we had problems having another), but it all worked out in the end. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[StitchFanZ]

You may have already done this. However, before making the decision be sure to take some time to mourn the loss you have experienced. My guess is that loss is a factor in your current feelings.

 

[GothTink]

I have two, seven years apart. They're best friends , and it made a lot of the baby stuff easier.

 

[LisaNJ25]

I had the worst problems going from 3 to 4. I think that was because they were only 12 months apart. Going from one to two was a piece of cake.

I absolutely love having age gaps with my kids(obviously with the exception on the last 2). Even now when they are 5 and 6 I am still having issues.

I have a 13 year age gap between my 1st and 4th. I have one graduating high school this year and another kindergarten.

 

[HeatherH]

And that's really the kicker for me right there...

I was fine. And then we thought there would be another and then there wasn't. And now I'm not sure.

It's like it woke my ovaries up from hibernation. I'm not sure if I really want another one or if I'm just sad about what might have been.

I think that's the crux of the situation. You had a surprise pregnancy that you lost (I'm so sorry for that) and it got you thinking. You really WEREN'T thinking about having another until that, right?

I have only one and I thank God that even though I really WANTED a second, it didn't happen. She's off to college this year and as much as we will miss her, it has opened up a whole new world for my husband and me. It's also been SOOO much easier to be a family of three when it comes to traveling, which is a huge priority for our family. And honestly, with college expenses, I'm not sure we could have done nearly as much traveling as we have done with another child.

I definitely went through that mourning process when it became apparent that a second child wasn't in the cards. I even considered adoption. Baby yearning can be very strong. But in the end, I realized that the way things worked out were EXACTLY the way they were meant to be.

No one can tell you for sure what is right for your family. I'm just saying that it is only natural that you are thinking about this after suffering a loss, and that if you decide your family of three really is the right thing after all, you will get past the baby yearning stage.

I wish you the best with your decision.

 

[tuckerkeys]

We have 2 . It's perfect.

The traveling world is made for 4. You will still travel with ease if that's what you're doing now.

Mine are 5 years apart. The older one helps out and plays with her ( although not always nicely! ) Things are still easy I have not noticed really the difference between 1 to 2 and it being 10 times harder...I think the older one, who is 8, can do a lot of things for himself so there lies the ease?

Someone told me once you will NEVER regret having more kids but you MAY regret not having them....

 

[mommasita]

I am sorry

That is a hard issue. I remember posting a few years back about #3. Someone told me when you sit down at your table do you feel like something is missing? Someone? I still feel there is but at almost 42 years of age, I am not going there, nor can I.

I would take time to really think about it, as it seems you are. You will make the right decision for your family.

I look at my family of 4, and think it is just right, although sometimes I always wonder "what if". After vacationing I am always HAPPY!! I went through those harder years of traveling with my kitchen sink and then some, and now my kids are almost 15, and 12, and I am SOOO happy for where we are now.

Good luck in your decision

 

[mamacatnv]

I have 2 - they are 9 years apart.
OP what you describe is a lot like what our lives were like. My DH came from a large family and I did not. When we had DS I was young and clueless. We had no family support, they lived on the opposite side of the country but we did have an amazing church family otherwise I don't think I would have made it
We went places, we did things etc....getting past babyhood was a major milestone!

I was perfectly content with 1 child........then when DS was 8 we had a "scare" and I actually thought what if???? Like you said, it kind of woke something up for me and I told DH that I would like to have another. When he got over his shock he said sure and 11 months later along came DD

DS was thrilled, she was his baby that he allowed us to take care of! He had wanted a sibling, he went to all my Dr. appt's and he eagerly awaited the arrival of the baby to find out if he was getting a brother or a sister.

She went everywhere, she was on the soccer field when she was 3 days old, she spent the first half of her life at one sort of sports or school event or another. We had a backpack and took her everywhere in it or the stroller. All her "friends" when she was a toddler were 12 year old boys who just thought she was the coolest thing! (they stiil do, they are all in college and she is still looked after!)

Sure, it changed up the dynamics a bit but we got her a sitter when needed. We never didn't do something with DS because of her. We went to WDW when she was 16 months old for the turn of the century. We hired a nanny to be with her daily and then we took her to dinner and into a park in the evenings. The days were spent with DS doing his things!

We were also very careful not to make DS her live in entertainer, caregiver or babysitter. As they both got older, sure we could leave her with him but when she was a toddler we almost always hired a teenager to be with her and told him that the sitter was in charge of his sister not him and he was not to bug the sitter.

I loved having an only child, I did but I worried. I worried I was putting too much onto his shoulders. All "My" hopes, dreams etc.....I know that is not fair but face it, we parents have expectations, we may not voice them but most of us have them.

So, we had 2 kids at home for 9 years and then DS went off to college. That was really hard. It was hard for me, he and I are very close, it was hard for DD whose "brother" was leaving her and our family dynamic changed. I did teasingly say to DH a month or so after DS went to college "you know, the whole 9 year age gap was great 9 years ago, now......she is here for another 9 years........we should have had DS take her with him to college!"

DS is now a Jr in college, DD is 12. Life is great! She is enjoying being our "only" to some degree. I have had an opportunity to really get to know her. DS and I were extremely close and she is tight with her Dad, she was a bit foreign to me, I still don't totally "get" her like her Dad does but I am working on it.
She still has her big brother who we still have vacations, camping trips and weekly dinners with but she now rules the roost and she enjoys her new position.

I would not change it. I love the age gap, I am so thankful we were able to have 2 and I am thrilled we got to experience both a boy and a girl. Course she has not hit her teens yet, I may change my opinion

Good luck with whatever you choose. My one piece of advice is that if you are having a yearning for another child do not ignore it, really explore it and where it is coming from, either way regrets can really stink.