? on Kids at Wakes/Funerals

[bigsis1970]

Hi all , I am just wondering what you all think about kids going to wakes and or funerals.. My Grandfather passed away this morning and my kids are DD 10 and DS 7 . while they were not very close they will of course miss him at the family gatherings and such . I want to give them the opportunity to say good bye if they want but my ex doesn't think they should go .. Thanks Michelle

 

[CarolA]

I was 8 when my Grandfather died and I went to the funeral. I did not do the graveside part just the church part. I have always been glad I went.

 

[KristiKelly]

I'm sorry about the death of your grandfather, my prayers are with you & your family.

I remember when my great grandmother died, I think I was about 6 or so, she loved me very much and I went to the wake, I looked at her a couple of feet away but was a little scared to get too close. I missed her very much after she was gone, but I still remember seeing her one last time.

My grandfather died when I was 8 or so, I remember my mom trying to get me to hold his hand - no way was I doing that. I was never very close to him. I remember my mom holding his hand and I thought that was sooo... creepy.

I think you have to be upfront with them about what to expect and don't try to force them to look or touch.

I will definitely take my kids when the time comes for my grandparents, they love them sooo... much, it will be hard but I feel it's important (I don't know - I hope this makes since).

 

[Lewski709]

I posted this the other day, about the same thing. Maybe it will help you. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=529221&highlight=+childrens++and++funerals

 

[Mishetta]

I think this is a decision both you & your husband have to make but in our family kids are part of the good times & the bad. This is all a part of life, so you'll see all the kids in our family at weddings, baptisms & funerals.

Thinking back when my Mom was dying.....my DS & all his cousins wanted to come to the hospital (Mom was in hospice at a local hospital) & they sang a special song to her.

Sometimes wakes/funerals can bring closure to children too.

So very sorry about your loss.

 

[bigsis1970]

Thanks for that other thread . I think I will make sure they have the opportunity to say good bye if they choose as you are right that is part of the closure part of Death ( This is the first person who is in our family to go - all of my other Grandparents are still alive as well as my Parents .. I am very lucky that way ) Thanks for the advise and thoughts today .. Michelle

 

[Disney Doll]

My condolences on your loss.

I think it's important that they get a chance to say good-bye, at their own pace. Perhaps they could go to the wake for a while, and then have a trusted babysitter take them home. I also think they should attend the fneral mass. Depending on how your religion handles the graveside part, they could probably handle that too. In the Catholic religion, the graveside part is pretty benign...the casket is suspended above the ole, some prayers are said, maybe a miltary thing if the person was a veteran, and it's over. I've been to others where the casket was in the ground, and the attendees at the cemetery were asked to throw a shovel full of dirt into the hole. That could be a little much for a young child. I am not meaning to insult or seem like I am passing judgement on others' religious practices, because I am not I am looking at it from the perspective of what could be upsetting for a young child.

 

[MosMom]

I have always allowed my daughter to attend the funeral/wake portion but when my FIL passed in January she did not attend the viewing. I felt that was a bit much for her to handle. *I* felt I couldn't handle it so I couldn't expect my 6 year old to do it. I think the funeral/wake portion would be fine.

 

[CourtasanSatine]

I lost my father when I was 16 and it shook me up so bad going to the burial than I can't go into graveyards. So I would know the kid and make the call from there IMO

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

My kids were 10, 8 and 5 when my father died. It never occurred to us not to include the kids. Once we were in the funeral home, they could go where they want...in the room for the viewing, or in the outer room. There were lots of relatives around paying attention to them, and we were aware of where they were, and how they were dealing with it. They came to the wake, the church service, and the graveside. It's 6 years later, and there never seemed to be a side effect from the experience.

 

[Disneyland_emily]

My son has gone to several funerals over the years- but 3 of them were his sisters and I felt it important for him to be there as he wanted to be. The first one when he was 5 was the hardest as he didnt really understand why his sister left, we just tried hard to answer his questions the best we could, we also let him do things his way over visiting her and how often he wanted to go. I think I devolped my views when I was 5 my sister died and we went to the funeral but nothing was ever explained nor did we ever visit her grave (I was 14 when I first saw it)


The thing I think I learned was don't let the funeral be the end of it. Go visit the grave site later and talk about that person, Kids can handle alot more than we think they can. Personally I would explain whats going to happen there and ask your kids and see if they want to go- Some kids want that chance to say goodbye others don't.

-em