Okay...........now it's Weight Watchers Here I go again!

[DoeWDW]

A, reading your posts reminds me of my episodes of deep depression. It was like I was alive, going through all the motions of life, but I had no feelings inside except a deep sense of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness. There were times when I literally could not get out of bed. I'd sleep for 2 - 3 days. I knew I needed help because I could not function as a wife or mother or hope to keep my job.

My doctor prescribed Celexa and I started counseling. It helped somewhat - at least I could function at about 50% of my old self. I stayed that way for a year, figuring this was as good as I could hope for. I'd make it through a week of work and then sleep all weekend to recharge for the next week. Finally I mentioned this to my doctor and he switched my medicine.

Since I've started Effexor in October, I have felt so much better. I'm much more the "old" me, feeling positive, having more energy, caring more about life and those around me.

I did not gain weight with either the Celexa or the Effexor. Even if I had, the effects of the medication would have been worth it. I was on a downward spiral and was very frightened of where that spiral might end. I could see me on permanent disability, unable to work, sleeping in a dark room day and night, my kids and husband left to fend for themselves and having to take care of me and watch as I slowly faded away. It frightened me and I did NOT want to end up that way.

Sorry to go on so long - just wanted to share some of my experiences with you. I was terrified to try medication, but I was more terrified of where I'd end up without it.

I hope you can find the answers for the way you're feeling. I searched and searched for reasons, and came to the conclusion that my depression was merely a chemical imbalance. No amount of self-help can fix a chemical imbalance.

A, I do admire you! You are a strong woman - much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your choices and your attitude are awesome! You've come so far, and I have the feeling that this is just the beginning for you.

Keep it up, A! Keep making good choices and taking baby steps in the right direction. I feel blessed to be sharing your journey.

 

[marsh0013]

hey A, i just wanted to pop in and offer my support as well

i know you've been going through a rough time, and i hope that you are feeling better. i dont' want to pretend to be an expert, but i agree with everyone who said that you need to take care of yourself, whether it means anti-depressant, or seeing a counsellor, or whatever will help you. and never hesitate to come here to your wish friends for support. we are here for you!

 

[A1A1]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It is very meaningful.

Doe, I almost wanted to cry reading your post. You shared so much of yourself that yOu didn't have to share. Thank you. I feel that you understand the feelings I have. I really do feel like I am "going through the motions" every day. My daughter is what helps me get out of bed every day.

I am positive about my weight loss impacting my self esteem. It has to help. I already feel better. I already feel in control. I already feel less a victim of myself. I wish I weren't so tired all the time, though, so I could get more exercise in my day. I am concerned about finding the time necessary to train for a long distance walk/run. I refuse to quit, though. I will just work on that.

I am substitute teaching now/music. Picked up three days at this week. I am glad for that. Hope that I can get a job for next year. That will certainly keep my mind occupied.

I am going to consider some options and discuss them with my doctor at my physical next week. I trust him completely, and he is familiar with the family history.


My cat's skin and eyes are looking less yellow, so I am hoping that her liver is functioning a little better. I have been feeding her every hour during awake time, so that her liver will start to clear some of that junk. I am so grateful, and I hope she continues to progress.

I am trying not to weigh myself this week due to pending TOM, but it is difficult. I need a status check.


Here is my day so far:

Meds taken!!!!!! I put them in a new location, so that I can't miss them in the morning.

Breakfast----two eggs scrambled. 4 pieces of bacon. lc ketchup. water.




Edit to complete the day~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lunch---low fat feta and mushroom sausage. lettuce and cucumber with italian dressing. Water.

Snack----a small handful of walnuts.

dinner----sliced low fat salami slices. low fat swiss slices. turkey slices. This awsome eggplant spread. Very low carb, and very very, very, very good. I love it. I rolled the meats and cheeses with the eggplant spread inside. Wow.



Exercise-----one mile on my treadmill this a.m.
Got the 1 mile WATP tape today and did the tape tonight. Actually, I just walked on my treadmill with the tape on. I thought it was going to be a tape to use with a treadmill. Funny thing is, I changed pace each time the tempo of the music changed. I am a musician, so I can definitely find the beat and change tempo. The tape was not 1 mile, it was only .75 or so. HHmmmmmmm. Well...I just kept walking through the cool down, and did 1.10 miles. I just wish I could do 2 miles at the same time. Found a good training website, and will use it but will extend the training time to the full year instead of the three months they designed.

 

[DoeWDW]

A, so much for you to celebrate today!!
- feeling better
- kitty feeling better - poor furbaby
- substitute teaching! You are brave!
- finding a good spot for your meds so you won't forget them!!

Maybe you can catch an afternoon nap on those days when you're not teaching? I hope the doc can help you pin down the reason for your tiredness. Are you taking a multivitamin? Extreme fatigue was a big component of my depression - I used to fall asleep looking at my computer screen at work - just could not keep my eyes open!

 

[DoeWDW]

You wrote me such a nice entry in my journal, A. Thank you for supporting me! In response, I wrote:

A, you are such a sweetie! Your reminder of my post to your journal reminded me that I wanted to reread your journal from the beginning. If you have the time, you should do this! It reminds me of a butterfly coming out of her coccoon, slowly and tentatively at times, but definitely an amazing and beautiful creature and spreading her wings ever more confidently. Guess I should have posted this to YOUR journal - oops! I can't wait to meet you in person! I promise I'll be celebrating your success at the half!!

I just wanted you to have this in your journal. You truly inspire me, A. I'm so glad we're walking together on this healthy living journey! :happy1:

 

[Castillo Mom]

A, I'm so sorry I've haven't posted to your journal the last coulple of days. I can truyl empathize with what you're going through. Depression can be very debilitating. I remember going through it and barely being able to care for my children. It was during a time when I separated from my husband. I was just devasted and at the time my children were 9 months, 2 1/2 and 4. I could have slept for days at a time but I had to be there for my little ones. It was a very dark period in my life. I'm not comparing it the the loss of your spouse, but I've had a taste of what serious depression feels like. It really does affect one in so many ways, even physically. I was on Prozac for a while and finally reached a point where I didn't have to take it anymore. I'm sure if you went to a doctor you could discuss what your options are in terms of different types of meds. My MIL and mother both lost their husband 1 and 2 years ago respectively. They're both still dealing with their loss and probably will for the rest of their life to an extent. But there is joy and happiness to be had by you A. Just give it time. No one can measure exactly how long that will be and no one should ever say that you should be over it by now. Whether you're religious or not, the book of Psalms in the bible offers words of comfort and helped me during my darkest moments and you may find comfort there as well. You should be very proud of yourself for setting goals for yourself, I think that will help you in the long run. Hugs to A, take care.

 

[A1A1]

I thank you all so much for your kind replies. I did lose my husband the way I knew him. He is a shell of a man now. He lives in a nursing home at a very young age. He was 28 when he went in. After 4 months in ICU (3 1/2 of that in critical condition), he suffered severe and permanent brain damage from a very rare and deadly bacterial pneumonia. I did lose him, but his body is still here, a painful reminder to me of the man I lost. He didn't die, but his mind did. When I visit him, I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to tell me he is okay. I want him to tell me either he knows what's happened to him, or that he doesn't. He can't tell me anything. It sometimes seems to me to be worse than if he did die. The nurses used to say to me that it would have been better if he died. That killed me to hear. I feel such immense guilt for the condition of his life. I have beaten up on myself for all these years because I couldn't save him and because I couldn't/can't take care of him at home. I vowed that if he lived, I would. I tried to take care of him, and I can't. I am sorry to burden other people with this. I have been trying to withhold information, because I didn't feel that anyone cared. I know everybody has their own crosses to carry, and this is mine. I understand if people can't stand to read my journal, because it is so darn depressing. I apologize, but this has become a good and positive outlet for me. I gained 80 pounds after he got sick. I did this to myself, because I felt I deserved it. I have hated myself for almost 7 years now. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to love myself, because my dear husband would want me to. Enough said about that. There. It is out there. It is not my secret anymore. I may wait a minute to see if I have enough courage to post this.

 

[Strings]

A,

I'm speechless. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are an incredibly brave woman. Not just for posting the truth about your husband, but for living the life you are. You are raising a wonderful daughter. You could have become bitter, but you are a kind, thoughtful, and loving woman. Of course you still grieve for your husband and the life you were to be sharing. I'm sorry those nurses were so insensitive. Remember, you did not do this to your husband. You are doing your best to care for him right now. He is in a facility where there are people to care for him. From the sound of it, you visit and talk with him. That's a lot more than most families do long term. I'm a nurse, I honestly don't think I could care for my husband 24/7 in the same situation. Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing job.

A,
You have not asked anyone to read your journal. It is YOUR journal. Post whatever you want/need to. If people don't want to read it, they won't. Screw them. The people who do read it, do so because they care. We would like to support you. You may not realize it, but you inspire us to be better. You have come so far, despite horrible circumstances. You prove that we can make progress, and do this. If I can help you in any way, please let me know. You are doing an amazing job. headed your way. I wish I could do more.

Beth

 

[DoeWDW]

A, I am so sorry for all you've gone through. I can't imagine the range of emotions you have gone through and are now going through with your dear husband. He must have been incredible - I can still hear your love for him in your posts. To see him now must be heart-rending. You are still loving him and honoring him by having qualified people care for his needs. You are doing the very best you can for him and that is all he would ever want you to do. It is probably what you would want him to do if your roles were reversed.

Beth is right, A - this is YOUR journal. You should use this journal in whatever way works best for you. I do not find your journal depressing. I find it incredible! I think you are so brave and courageous to be living the life you're living and raising your daughter in a loving home without your dear husband to help you. You are facing the areas in your life that you'd like to change and meeting the challenges head on. I meant exactly what I wrote - you truly remind me of a beautiful butterfly emerging from a cocoon. Maybe you can't see the beauty yet, A, but I can. Please trust me - you'll see it too in time.

I'm still here, still walking beside you, still caring about you. You are not alone.

 

[septbride2002]

A,
I'm not always great with words so....

 

[A1A1]

Thank you all for your kind words and hugs. They have been very essential to the success of my knew lifestyle.


I will just go on with today being a new day, a new gift from God.






I worked today, substitute teaching, so I was scrambling this morning. Took my medication. Had a few slices of turkey and lettuce with Italian dressing. Out the door I flew.

Lunch----about 4 ounces of low fat salami with part skim mozz shreds rolled inside. Water.

Snack----lots of pistachios. My new favorite thing!!! These are awsome nuts!!!!!! It was fun to take them out of the shell. Good thing there was a shell between me and those nuts. Water

I am very tired. I have never heard the "f word" so many times in my life! It must be in the hundreds today. This school is one of the better middle schools in the area. I did my student teaching at that school last year, so about 90 percent of the students I had today knew me. That made it alot better. I am considering going back to school again next year. I have been offered an assistantship with the department chairperson, and I feel it is a good opportunity. Only thing is, it has become very difficult to make ends meet without working regularly. There are so few jobs available in my area of teaching, that I can't count on having one next year either. I will sleep on it another night. I have to have the application in by February 1, though. One night of sleep is about all I can afford.

I need a nap...........................




Update----8:10pm
Well it must have been right after I pushed "post reply" that I fell asleep sitting up at my computer. I remember my daughter pushing my forehead up and telling me that I needed to go to bed. I laid down on the couch and took a two hour nap. I am looking forward to my physical, because I think it is time to up the thyroid medication. I could sleep 24/7. I did have a little something to eat and will post it here.


Dinner------slices of deli turkey. slices of lf swiss cheese. These were rolled together with this new eggplant chutney in the middle. I love this chutney. I did notice tonight that it has honey in it----Yikes!!!!!! It has 1.7 carbs per tablespoon. I had about four to five tablespoons. I am not going to stress about it. Hopefully it won't have a huge impact on me. I think I am going to go to bed now. Still so very tired. I love the Diet Rite sodas, also. Had a glass of tangerine tonight with a very small bit of sunflower seeds.

How bad do you think the chutney was tonight???

 

[ZerasPride]

A,

I'm just checking up on you. I'm glad you have a sub assignment at a school where the kids are familar with you - I couldn't imagine being a substitute teacher thinking about the disrespect kids must give teachers these days. And you thought you weren't tough? You'd have to be to do what you do.

I don't have any words of wisdom as far as the position you are contemplating but I hope, no I know you will make the right decision for you and your daughter.

I don't know much about chutney. You said it's made with honey? I know honey is on the eat sparingly or not at all list for SBD so I would have to pretty much stay away from it. I hate when I discover something good tasting and then find out I can't have it on my woe. I hope it's okay for you and doesn't cause a stall.

Have a good night, I'll check on you again soon!

 

[DoeWDW]

Let's see, 1.7g carbs x 5 tbsp = 8.5 carbs. I don't think the chutney was too bad, considering you had turkey & cheese with it - the protein would slow the absorption of the carbs.

I am a bit concerned about the amount of low-fat things you're eating. It's hard to do Atkins AND low-fat - they really don't go together. You may want to plug your food into Fitday for a few days to make sure you're getting enough calories.

Congrats on getting through your day as a sub! No wonder you are so tired tonight! I am anxious to hear about your visit with your doc - I hope it's soon.

Best wishes on making the decision about where you should be working next year. I'll keep you in my prayers for that one!

Take care!

 

[A1A1]

A new day..............


7:30 am
Meds taken
Walked on treadmill---1 mile
Breakfast------lettuce, sliced turkey, lf mozz, lf swiss, italian dressing

I am going to change the title of my journal, because I have begun to do some kind of morphing to something resembling South Beach. I am not done with the book yet, and am so used to doing the Atkins plan, that it is difficult for me to totally change. I have stopped counting carbs. I don't count anything anymore. I just eat things that I like that fall within the guidelines of SBD, I think. I might be making some mistakes, though. I read somewhere that I shouldn't be eating smoked turkey slices, but that is what I bought at the deli. I am not sure why smoked meats would be bad. Anyway, I will soon be finished with the book, and I can review and clarify the guidelines for myself.

Regardless of what plan I am officially following, I have made significant changes, and I am proud. My daughter said to me this morning, "Mommy, you are getting skinny." She doesn't know what I am doing, because I don't talk about it. I just do it. So- her compliment was more meaningful.



Edit-----Edit-----Edit-----Edit-----Edit

snack ---- pistachios

Lunch -----large size albacore tuna pouch, plain (yuck!). Water and tea.

Snack - pistachios

Dinner ----- low fat salami, low fat swiss slices, salad with italian dressing. cashew pieces.

I am having a serious nut addiction lately. It is now TOM, and I hope that is to blame. I purchased the ff fudgies tonight. I needed something ice cream-like and something chocolatey.

 

[DoeWDW]

South Beach is a great plan! That explains the low-fat stuff, too - thanks for clearing that up. You're doing a great job, A!!

Glad to hear you got such a nice compliment from your daughter! Also, good for you for getting a mile in on the treadie!!

Have a wonderful day, A!

 

[Strings]

A, I think South Beach is a great plan. I've incorporated qiute a few things from that diet into my Atkins plan. I can't totally switch because DH is doing this with me, and doesn't want to put the energy into figuring out the switch. I am very impressed with your DD. Kids can be oblivious. You now have proof that others are noticing the changes too. I'm so proud of all the hard work you've put into this. Keep it up.
Have a great day.
Beth

 

[A1A1]

Friday......................January 23


Meds taken...
Breakfast------sliced deli turkey, lettuce, olive oil, white vinegar, water.

I will have to rush to get ready for work. Running late. I get so caught up reading WISH entries.

It is now TOM, and I slept a ton last night. Very tired. Wondering if I need an iron pill.



Update
Snack------pistachios
Lunch------turkey slices, lf cheese sticks, water, tea.
Snack------almonds

Finished work. Going to the doctor to pick up the script for bloodwork. Want to have this done before the physical so we can discuss the results.

 

[Strings]

Hey A, be careful, DZone is sneaky. Good Luck with it. Wait until you see your doctor before you start iron pills. He'll check your CBC. If it is normal, don't bother. Great job remembering your meds. Have a good day.
Beth

 

[lulu201]

Oh, my gosh, I'm away from your journal for a week, A, and so much has been discussed. Please accept my , too!

A, you've gone through a lot. No, you've gone through more than what some people go through in a lifetime, and you're still here! You're strong, A, and like Doreen said, you're growing and you're changing into a person ready to spread her wings. After the darkness, there is always a dawn, and your new day is coming.

I've read the Purpose Driven Life and highly recommend it. To me, it gets to the real essence of what life is about and why we're here. If we're living according to our purpose, we feel at peace--and I wish you peace and hope and joy in your life, A. It will come, not like the happiness you had before, but it WILL come, a new happiness tempered by the experiences that are making you a wise woman.

I didn't know that you were a musician!! Imagine that! So am I!
What's your instrument? My degree is a combination of music therapy and music ed., with a piano and voice emphasis. Anyway, I hope that you're able to participate in some kind of musical activity--a choir, a community orchestra, private lessons. . .you need to be feeding that part of yourself. Your spirit needs it. I know that it's hard to find the time, but you need to try. (I know, another thing for the "to do" list ). I started singing at my church again after a 12 year "child rearing break" from choir and it has done so much for me. It's given me a network of new friends at church, a feeling of belonging, and it's been a gift to me spiritually. It's something for you to consider.

Middle school MUSIC substituting--oh, man, A, you ARE amazing!
Pat yourself on the back for that! Enjoy your day, and take from it some special moments and hold them to your heart (another book worth reading: Simple Abundance).

I'm glad you took your meds, and please let us know how things work out at the dr. this coming week.

Erin

 

[Castillo Mom]

Hello A, I'm happy to see you're stilling hanging in the and are staying focused. I'm glad you're going to the doctor and getting that blood work done, you need to stay healthy. My time is limited this morning but I wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts and that I'll be checking in with you and my other WISH buddies on Monday. Take care!