OK, super embarrassing, but so funny! AKA:The Fart Thread

[Chuck65]

Someone please tell why the farts smell worse when wet?

I think water vapor helps keep the gas from rising fast. If you fart in the shower it takes forever for that thing to get out. Not that I've ever experienced a shower fart. I'm just saying, in theory, that the water vapor helps keeps them around.

 

[luvflorida]

Who doesn't love a good fart story?? I got tons of 'em!

When my older sister was about 3 or 4, my parents took her out to dinner. Well something foul must've wafted through the dining room cause my sis caught wind of it and loudly announced to the packed restaurant "Ewwwwwwwwwww!! I smell a FART and it smells just like MOMMY'S!"

When I was younger (think ages 12-16) I thought it was hilarious to chase my dalmation around the house and then whip around and fart right in his face. Poor dog...He would see me haulin @ss his way in reverse and his eyes would just about bug out of his head!

In that same vain, I was sitting cross-legged on the couch one time and said dalmation was just vibrating with PLEASE-PET-ME energy right in front of me. I was totally ignoring him, so he pushed his nose under my crossed leg so that I now had his head locked between my legs with his face resting on my lower stomach. Well you know where I'm going with this right? I let one rip...it was one of those world class room clearing farts. The dog's eyes squinted and he backed out of his little spot so fast, sneezing and wiping his face on the rug.

This dog also used to scare HIMSELF when he would fart. He would let one go and then crane his neck around and stare at his own butt with a look of puzzlement and horror. God help him if he was sleeping when it happened because he would jump up barking.

OMG! All of these are hysterical!!

 

[Hedy]

My personal favorite fart story involves DNephew. When he was a toddler, he had issues defecating while not at home. Needless to say, this was an issue when he spent the night at our house. So my mom and I are trying to get him ready for his bath, and he's on the potty. He lets one rip and says, matter of factly "John* farted."
I began to laugh so hard my mom threw me out of the bathroom.
*Name changed to protect the farter.

 

[mamaprincess]

beans!

 

[Mickey1122]

We are NOT letting this thread die! I have a story to share.
My cousin's family was having a gathering for a holiday. There were maybe 15 people at teh dinner table. My cousin's cousin (16 year old???) brought his fart machine. The rest is history. A little back story, my uncle is...let's just say infamous. so is his brother. (I don't know the official terms for the relationships. They married in.) So the 16yearold put the fart machine under the table. It went off. The grandmother shouts to my uncle, "[name], stop that this instant!"; She yelled at him all through dinner to stop farting. Eventually, the 16 year old pulled the machine out from underneath his grandmother's chair!

Another story about my uncle--
He was helping my younger sister to put a DVD in the machine. She and my cousin were sitting on the floor, looking at the machine. He bent over, and his tush fell to face level. He let a loud one go. The expression on my sister's face was much like this smiley:

 

[mickeyfan2]

I am so happy to know I made someone's day a little brighter! LOL

Thank you.

 

[Mickey1122]

beans!

Whenever someone days that, I think of Mickey Mouse in Mickey and the Beanstalk, when he shouts "Beans!" Then I think of the other conotation.

 

[ferris198]

Oh God, the fart stories I could tell.
About 8 years ago, I adopted a kitten from our local Humane Society, they had named her Madison. She was so cute.
I brought her home, only to discover that she farted, lots, and they were noxious, they rivalled my husbands to the point I thought he was blaming her. Turns out it was her. My mother nick named her stinky and that is what her name now is!

My husband has been a research technician for the last 15 years, working on various vaccines.
As he has been in a lab, he has had little contact with people in an office setting.
This past summer he was put in charge of a new project which meant leaving the lab, and into an office.
The day before he was to start, I was at my mothers for a visit, he called me all concerned and asked/told me that he needed me to go to the drug store for Beano, as he was worried he may offend his new team.
I explained to him that in my 15 years in an office environment, flatulence hadn't posed a problem. But I but it for him anyway.
Damn stuff works well at the office, but I swear it expires once he walks in the door !

 

[Mickey1122]

Oh God, the fart stories I could tell.
About 8 years ago, I adopted a kitten from our local Humane Society, they had named her Madison. She was so cute.
I brought her home, only to discover that she farted, lots, and they were noxious, they rivalled my husbands to the point I thought he was blaming her. Turns out it was her. My mother nick named her stinky and that is what her name now is!

My husband has been a research technician for the last 15 years, working on various vaccines.
As he has been in a lab, he has had little contact with people in an office setting.
This past summer he was put in charge of a new project which meant leaving the lab, and into an office.
The day before he was to start, I was at my mothers for a visit, he called me all concerned and asked/told me that he needed me to go to the drug store for Beano, as he was worried he may offend his new team.
I explained to him that in my 15 years in an office environment, flatulence hadn't posed a problem. But I but it for him anyway.
Damn stuff works well at the office, but I swear it expires once he walks in the door !

YES! This thread is not dead!

 

[goofygirl]

I adopted a kitten from our local Humane Society, they had named her Madison. She was so cute.I brought her home, only to discover that she farted, lots, and they were noxious, they rivalled my husbands to the point I thought he was blaming her. Turns out it was her. My mother nick named her stinky and that is what her name now is!

"Smelly cat, smelly cat...."

 

[starsandpixiedust]

My little one (3) the other day "tooted" and right after he did he says "ooops, my bum burped" DH and I just looked at each other then

okay, i've been able to contain my laughter up until this point. i have cramps in my sides, and i can barely type. that is soooooo hysterical. omg. i think i'm gonna die. rotflmao

 

[starsandpixiedust]

One time my mother and 3 of her sisters were visiting in Blanchard Springs, some beautiful caverns in Northern Arkansas. The guide giving the tour was discusssing the bat guano, and how the bat guano was hundreds of years old.

My deadly gasiferous aunt proceeds to do what she does best (totally oblivious - maybe her sense of smell is as bad as her hearing). Anyway - one of the other tourist tells the tour director "I think I can smell that bat guano."

My mother and the other two sisters just totally lost it. The guilty one is a little out of it and has no idea what she did nor why her sisters are rolling on the floor laughing.

A few years later my father and I are taking the same tour. When they came to the bat guano part of the tour - I proceed to tell my dad the story of Aunt X. He starts laughing so hard that I thought we were going to have to leave the tour.

Now people are actually starting to stare at me, i'm laughing so hard. i swear, another one of these and i just might let one rip myself.



and now the computer is telling me i was using too many images, so now i can't even fully express how much i am laughing right now

 

[ferris198]

I was in a dollar store a few years ago, and happend upon a whoppe cushion that I put in my mothers stocking.
My mother had so much fun trying it out on different chairs that within hours it had a hole in it.
A few years ago, for my brothers birthday, I bought him a remote control fart machine, the funniest thing ever !
My son 6, is at my Mom's for a sleepover tonight so I just called to see how things are, she said whst did you feed him beans for breakfast and lunch as apparently he is tooting up a storm and blaming it on the dig and her.

 

[tigercat]

My dgrdd is very sweet and innocent looking. But looks can be deceiving. When she was a little one 18months or so she had the deadliest toots and she knew it. She would be playing in the other room and suddenly run into the livingroom where we all were let one go, look at us and laugh and then run away. She cleared the room everytime. They were bad.
tigercat

 

[Iggipolka]

The wife and I were at a store standing in line at the cashier. Right behind us was a young couple with a small child in a stroller. The wife let out a SBD and I just looked at her because I knew it came from her! The husband of the couple behind us said "I think someone has a dirty diaper" and the wife bent down to check the kid's diaper!

The wife and I had the hardest time not laughing.
To this day, everytime she sees a couple with a kid in a diaper, she tries to fart near them to see if she can get them to check their kid's diaper!

 

[Princess~Fun]

The wife and I were at a store standing in line at the cashier. Right behind us was a young couple with a small child in a stroller. The wife let out a SBD and I just looked at her because I knew it came from her! The husband of the couple behind us said "I think someone has a dirty diaper" and the wife bent down to check the kid's diaper!

The wife and I had the hardest time not laughing.
To this day, everytime she sees a couple with a kid in a diaper, she tries to fart near them to see if she can get them to check their kid's diaper!

OMG LOL I was laughing out loud!

 

[babytrees]

Thank you all for 3 days of

Now for a couple of my contributions (the whoppers my husband lets off would fill a whole book):

We, me & now DH, went to my mom's house for the weekend. Something my mother served that Saturday affected both of them, so much so that my poor sister and I went outside for a good 3 hours. They both were so proud of their accomplishment.

My DH cleared 4 dorm rooms with one particular fart.....it was just me and him in the room and then about 5 minutes later the girls came back in and swiftly backed out.

We have to say excuse me as fair warning of farts....give people plenty of time to remove themselves from the room. My husband tries to do a blanket "excuse me for the rest of the night" ain't working we need warning!!!!

I inherited my job from my mom....she had a stash of matches in hopes of diminishing the smell in the office I guess.

 

[HollyTyler]

I'm having so much fun reading all of these, I just have to pitch in! I was alone in my car, so obviously not concerned about relieving myself. Unfortunately, I did this while in the drive-through line at a fast food restaurant, completely not thinking about having to roll the window down to get my food! Fortunately, I had just put a new air freshener in my car the day before, so it masked the smell slightly. BUT when the worker leaned over to hand me my food, she said, "That's an interesting air freshener...what scent is it?" Ummmm....it's a new scent - Eau De Fart.

 

[HollyTyler]

Uh oh....did I kill the fart thread?!

 

[Jennasis]

When I took over the barn I now own, I was standing in the barn aisle talking to one of the horse owners. Well the horse in the stall beside us let out a nice loud honker...not particularly unusual for a horse. Well the very sweet, VERY southern lady I was with GASPED, horrified, and leaned over to me and whispered in shock "he TOOTED!" (we were alone in the barn)

I couldn't help myself. I laughed out loud at her "Yup, he sure did! Now I can blame him for the one I just cut."

hehehe.