Oh my dear MIL has decided

[Wishing on a star]

What type of shoes are they?

Who cares.

Does not matter. At all.

I don't think we are talking about something inappropriate, like stiletto heels for an 11 year old....

Does not matter...

 

[luvmyfam444]

What type of shoes are they?

I'd love to tell but I'm afraid that will get even more comments on how bad a person I am for not letting my child have them & they really ARE the it shoes across the country....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why, OP, do you even come here with these tales then, if it is so obvious to everyone that you are such a bad person, and have some issues if you are controlling about a gift of a pair of shoes from a loving grandparent...

You are a glutton for punishment!

 

[luvmyfam444]

Besides all this dd doesnt NEED any shoes at all. The pair of tennis she bought in April still fit & my mom just gave her 2 pair of handme down tennies - so 3 pair should be MORE than enough for a 6th grader to choose from for school - ya think? I told her that - but was reminded of the promise...

 

[luvmyfam444]

Why, OP, do you even come here with these tales then, if it is so obvious to everyone that you are such a bad person, and have some issues if you are controlling about a gift of a pair of shoes from a loving grandparent...

You are a glutton for punishment!

she's loving 'cause she can buy shoes???? that's the point! let her take dd out to the movies or dinner & spend time with her instead of BUYING her...

 

[blissventure]

Besides all this dd doesnt NEED any shoes at all. The pair of tennis she bought in April still fit & my mom just gave her 2 pair of handme down tennies - so 3 pair should be MORE than enough for a 6th grader to choose from for school - ya think? I told her that - but was reminded of the promise...

This was fairly telling. OP, I wish you and MIL the best. The years ahead may be interesting. I probably am starting to understand MIL much better.

 

[cheermom1]

this is the MAIN reason i hardly come here b/c everyone here assumes something about a person instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt...

I was trying to have an open mind and thought maybe some of you would too I guess not!!!!

at almost every post i have seen on here someone is tearing someone apart. nit picking on them at every turn...i feel as though some don't have a life and have to come on here and make themselves feel better by tearing someone else down....I HATE IT...

op talk to your hubby and mil about this ok...

 

[C.Ann]

What I am understanding is that dd just saw the shoes while killing time in a store (sometime around May) & said she wanted some - so MIL promised them to her . That was it. Neither of us knew anything about the shoes - never been told about them UNTIL this past weekend. MIL told me that she was gonna buy them - so I looked them up online to see what they looked like she didn't ask me she told me she was buying what dd wanted because of the promise.

Yes - this child is always favored a bit - she's the 1st grandchild....but mainly just in the way I discipline her (I get lectured about that)

the jacket would have been bought on some random day had I not pushed to get it given @ Christmas - since I knew the other kids wouldn't be getting anything on that random shopping day & @ Christmas they'd be getting stuff from her.

I guess I just feel with high ticket items or "fad" items that they should be run by me -actually any clothing item & NOT promised to my children without asking me - she could have promised a pair of shoes - not being specific on which shoes - no problem there...EXCEPT for the fact that if they weren't kept clean I'd hear about it - since she bought them she'd give me more grief.

And yep - I know it sounds like I'm SUCH a horrible person (I think we decided that months ago here on the DIS) but I get along with my MIL - we spend a LOT of time together (more than her own dd - she can't stand her) we scrapbook together & have even been on a 1wk vacation with just us & the kids....

BUt that doesn't mean I want her promising my child she can have whatever kind of shoes, etc she wants just 'cause she asked for it.

My dad- has a computer for my dd - he said she needs one for school - I said no, not in 5th grade she didn't - he asked me about it - I said no & that was then end of it. (he owns a computer business) He didn't go & promise dd a computer & say he couldn't go back on his promise...he asked me first.

And if it makes things better - pretend the shoes are $250 -would that matter then if g'ma bought them without asking me then? In my mind its the same issue - $80 isn't an issue to some but it is to us...

I'm really trying to understand this - honestly.. And maybe I'm seeing it differently - because I'm a grandmother (and a MIL)..

As I said earlier, DD's MIL does this kind of stuff with my (our) DGD quite frequently and it just isn't an issue.. The only time it becomes an issue is when it is something not appropriate (Bratz dolls that look like hookers - as an example) - LOL..

It has not changed my DGD.. She does not "expect" things from anyone - her other grandma, me, or her parents.. If she gets something expensive or name brand from her other grandma, she's very appreciative.. If she gets something from me - or her parents - that is from Walmart, she is every bit as appreciative..

If your issue is not about playing favorites, then what is the issue? Do you think you DD will "expect" things from everyone? Not be appreciative? Expect things from you that maybe you can't afford? Does it make you feel bad somehow?

I'm really trying to understand - because I just can't see a pair of shoes causing so much trouble.. Maybe I don't understand what you're saying.. I'm sorry I'm not "getting it" - because I really would like to..

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

From a man's perspective - don't sweat the small stuff. The "buying stuff" doesn't matter, and it never will.

Just don't allow your MiL (or anyone else) to manipulate you or your children. Sounds like there is more than a little bit of that going on here. When it starts in my house, I escort people out of the front door (including my own parents, once - and they had driven over 1,000 miles to visit). People treat you the way that you let them treat you...

 

[ilovejack02]

Maybe you can request that Grandma buy the shoes for xmas. By that time your DD's foot will have grown a bit and maybe she can get the next size up.

Im really not understanding the upset, but to each his own I get that!!

My mom loved when Grandmother bought me APPROPRIATE gifts .. but maybe on the higher end that was not in her budget. No skin off her back and I am the same way with my 20 yr old and my 6 yr old.

If Grandma sends them home with the latest jacket or outfit that I refused to buy because it was out of budget, i say THANK YOU!

Sounds like you two have a pretty good relationship and maybe this is something you shouldnt sweat.

The one thing I would mention is that the other two kiddos might feel left out.

 

[N&B'smom]

Who cares.

Does not matter. At all.

I don't think we are talking about something inappropriate, like stiletto heels for an 11 year old....

Does not matter...

I care, that's why I asked. I was curious what these popular shoes were. Geez.

 

[N&B'smom]

It sounds like there are a lot of personal issues with the OP regarding her MIL. Issues regarding 'control' and competition with MIL, And issues regarding 'my child will have nothing extra-nice'... and issues regarding a lot of things.

You got all of that from a post about a pair of shoes?

To me it seems clear that the OP doesn't want her MIL to spoil her DD. And another issue would be if the MIL is indeed spoiling one child and leaving others out, it can be hurtful to them and I'd certainly put a stop to it.

 

[blissventure]

You got all of that from a post about a pair of shoes?

To me it seems clear that the OP doesn't want her MIL to spoil her DD. And another issue would be if the MIL is indeed spoiling one child and leaving others out, it can be hurtful to them and I'd certainly put a stop to it.

I'm not convinced it's "spoiling" a girl to give her a new pair of shoes as she enters 6th grade. New school shoes aren't unusual.
Mom gave her shoes in April, plus hand me downs. Those will be great for running around, and so on. I think shoes actually last longer if kids have a good pair for school, and others for playing, weekends.
I probably see where MIL is coming from.

And...I wonder if OP purchased shoes for her other two recently. If so, maybe MIL isn't quite so evil. Maybe she saw that the granddaughter was the only one who didn't get new shoes this school year. Just speculating....There are lots of ways to look at this.

I hope OP finds a way to work together with MIL. It will be better for all three grandchildren. Sometimes a little patience and tolerance works wonders.

 

[N&B'smom]

I'm not convinced it's "spoiling" a girl to give her a new pair of shoes as she enters 6th grade. New school shoes aren't unusual.

I agree, that is not spoiling BUT I think the OP was trying to explain a pattern that exists with the MIL, not an isolated incident.

 

[cinmell]

I care, that's why I asked. I was curious what these popular shoes were. Geez.

Me too.

 

[luvmyfam444]

This was fairly telling. OP, I wish you and MIL the best. The years ahead may be interesting. I probably am starting to understand MIL much better.

Telling how? Lost ya on this one.... so 3 pairs of almost brand new shoes isn't enough???:confused

 

[barkley]

From a man's perspective - don't sweat the small stuff. The "buying stuff" doesn't matter, and it never will.

Just don't allow your MiL (or anyone else) to manipulate you or your children. Sounds like there is more than a little bit of that going on here. When it starts in my house, I escort people out of the front door (including my own parents, once - and they had driven over 1,000 miles to visit). People treat you the way that you let them treat you...

the "buying stuff" can matter-and if you've ever dealt with girls and esp. girls who have grandma's or others that feed into or develop their desires for name brands it can be a headache down the line.

case in point-we had a neighbor whose mil was always asking their dd what "all the kids" were wearing at school. she'd then ask the little girl (she was in 1st or 2nd at this point) if she wanted to wear that too. of course the kid would say yes so grandma would trot out and buy it. we used to joke with the neighbor to "watch out" because grandma was giving the little girl "champagne tastes". flash forward a year or so and they move to the next town over. flash forward a couple more years and we move to that town and become friends with another couple. we're talking about our respective neighbors and they mention the names of our previous neighbors. we start to talking about our kids and i mention how i remember that "sweet little girl". our friends roll their eyes and tell us that "sweet little girl" can be heard screaching and screaming as her parents drag her out of the car every morning. we were like "what-does'nt she like school?". they tell us it's not school she does'nt like-it's that she's insistant that she can only wear designer clothes to school, the parents can't or won't buy them, and apparantly grandma is'nt able or willing to fund them now.


p.s.-we had a similar issue with my brother only it was very cheap stuff. the kids would ask us for junky toys at the dollar store and places like that. we told them no because they would break and then we knew we have an upset kid. my brother would constantly buy them the stuff but he never stuck around long enough to see it break and see our kids have a meltdown/beg & for us to go get a replacement. his attitude was "hey even if they only get an hour of fun out of it-it only cost a dollar", he did'nt get that young kids don't want an hour of fun out something-they expect to be able to play with it constantly "forever". we finaly had to say "no". it was'nt money, it was'nt control-it was our kids.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

the "buying stuff" can matter-and if you've ever dealt with girls and esp. girls who have grandma's or others that feed into or develop their desires for name brands it can be a headache down the line...

Perhaps, but only if the parents are not doing a good job balancing those actions with their own. In the end, for a child with solid values to become materialistic, it will take more than a few pair of designer shoes. The gifts themselves cannot hurt the child.

Now, setting expectations and creating a sense of entitlement is an altogether different issue, and isn't directly tied to the gifts. My point - the issue is not the gifts, it is the attitude. There are very wealthy people who want for nothing, but have no sense of entitlement...

 

[disfan07]

my grandma take sme shopping every time i go to visit them in florida or when they come here to visit. I get upwards of $100-$200 of clothes each trip. ts been ths wya snce i was like 5 or 6....and my mom never went with us. Most of the time it was clothes that my mom wouldnt buy b/c they were more expensive and i didnt really need them but thats what grandmas do...i swear it is. My grandpa as well. We went to WDW wth them 8 years ago and i had $150 to spend on souvners and when we got to teh hotel my grandpa gave me $200 to spend on souveniers....didnt ask my mom. He Just gave it to me. Some how whenever i visit them, i always come back with more money than i went with

 

[Lisa_M]

I'd love to tell but I'm afraid that will get even more comments on how bad a person I am for not letting my child have them & they really ARE the it shoes across the country....

I'm thinking they are heelies and if they are, I wouldn't let my kid have them either for safety reasons.

It's a fine line between accepting items graciously and letting someone spend money that you know they don't have. I am having this problem lately with my parents.

Regardless of if they are Heelies or not, I don't think I would let grandma buy $80 for one child and not shoes of a similar liking for the other kids. After Suzy gets her Skechers or whatever, Johnny who is only a year younger probably will whine that she got name brand shoes while he wears the walmart special.