Oh my dear MIL has decided

[kacaju]

Yep - its the fad thing - actually she doesn't buy much for the kids -except for holidays/b'days....

I just wasn't wanting to deal with trends until dd brought it up to ME & probably not until middleschool years...

dd still has never mentioned wanting the shoes to me or her father - she just showed them to me when we were shopping & of course she didn't want the same style in a cheaper brand it was the brand specifically.

ANd we buy NOTHING name brand - well maybe toothpaste - but that's about it....

Your dd is going into 6th grade?? That is high *fashion* time for kids that age. (I have 10th grade and 8th grade dds)

She showed you the shoes, she didn't want the knock off brand. You stated you do not buy ANYTHING name brand, why do you think she will come to you for name brand clothing when you stated yourself you don't want to deal with trends? (even if you did not directly state that to her, they pick up on our feelings)

I just took my 8th grader to the mall recently, she zipped in and out of each store, barely looking at any of the clothes. My SIL (her Aunt) took her shopping back around her Birthday (in Feb) and SIL tells me how much fun dd is to shop with. Those two had a blast going into each store, trying on clothing, looking at stuff. When kids reach these ages they get weird about this stuff. I say let your MIL buy her the shoes. Doesn't seem fair that it is OK for your Mom to give your dd two pairs of hand me downs, yet MIL can't buy one nice pair.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nope, I didn't 'get' all of that due to a pair of shoes....

The OP has posted a lot, and made a LOT of telling comments....

My opinions remain the same, and are made stronger with every word the OP posts....

My whole take is "It is a freakin' pair of shoes and a winter jacket".
Good grief, shoes and a coat are 'spoiling'.

The OP's issues are just way obvious.

Good luck with her trying to control her DD (down to the very style of shoes on her feet, no less) when she gets 16-18 and above!!!!

I am just sayin' that she is making her bed here, and one day she will have to lie in it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: I can vividly remember, my oldest sister, who was an adult and living on her own... bought me a pair of the 'it' shoes when I was a little older than the OP's DD....

OMG, I am just warped for life!!!!!!!

She didn't buy my other sister the very same thing that very same day either.... Somehow I don't think my other sister was warped for life either!.

I remember that as something special she did for me, just between me and her. I remember it as something special.

 

[Wishing on a star]

....it is OK for your Mom to give your dd two pairs of hand me downs, yet MIL can't buy one nice pair.

Yes, this is just another of the very telling comments....

 

[mickeyboat]

OP - if these are heelies, I don't blame you one bit because it's a safety issue.

Wishing - I, too, remember the first pair it "it" shoes I received. I was probably going into 6th grade, and they were Nikes. I pranced around the neighborhood proud as a peacock. My parents even took a picture of me modeling them. It didn't turn me into a diva.

If your MIL turns this into a battle, you need to put your foot down, especially if she is treating only one child repeatedly and not the others. But for now, since you state there is no underlying problem with your MIL, I still maintain it is no big deal.

 

[cheermom1]

I just want eveyone to remember that what works for one family doesn't always work for another .. this is something that the op feels strongly about and this is not a cause of concern..

it however something that she needs to talk to her hubby and mil about....and that all that needed to be said!

 

[KirstenB]

Our dd is the same age. Around here, Converse classic low tops are the IT shoe. Unfortunately, neither grandmothers is into buying things for the grandkids, so we're on our own! I'm very grateful the IT shoe isn't a pair of Coach's!!

 

[suzannen]

One of my MIL's greatest pleasures was to take my DD shopping every time they got together - usually once a month. They would giggle together as they told me funny stories about things they tried on and didn't buy and then show off what they did. I'm so glad they have those wonderful fun memories because my MIL has been battling breast cancer for the past few years and between the chemo, radiation and her age (82), she can no longer do things like that with my child. Honestly, OP, I would let her buy that pair of Converse sneakers (which is big here - or whatever the shoe) and then simply say "thank you." And, remind yourself how lucky you are to have a MIL who sincerely wants to do something nice and special for your DD - that is never a bad thing. It may be her way of creating a special bond with her granddaughter. And, then I would encourage MIL to also do something special in the next few months for each of your other kids.

 

[corie161]

I suspect the shoes are more something like Uggs, there are plenty of knock offs around for them.

I guess I wouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill about a pair of shoes or a jacket. Maybe MIL can tell DD is at that impressionable age and getting her one pair of shoes might boost some confidence. I have a DD the same age and she knows very well we don't always buy in to some of the fads. She knows that in some cases an off brand is just as good as the originals (Ugg boots). We shop a lot of sales, sometimes consignments, garage sales, but sometimes it's nice and fun to splurge on that one great thing. She doesn't however have a cell phone (yet) and EVERYONE has one you know.

I don't agree with favortism, however I think I say somewhere else OP other kids are younger, maybe their time will come. Just because MIL spends $80 now on her doesn't mean in the end it all wouldn't even out with the other kids. If it was constant spoiling of one child, that would be a different story.

 

[karibritt01]

My whole take is "It is a freakin' pair of shoes and a winter jacket".
Good grief, shoes and a coat are 'spoiling'.

PS: I can vividly remember, my oldest sister, who was an adult and living on her own... bought me a pair of the 'it' shoes when I was a little older than the OP's DD....

OMG, I am just warped for life!!!!!!!

A pair of shoes and a jacket is not spoiling IF THE CHILD NEEDS IT. If the child has several good pairs of shoes and jackets that fit and do the job, then to buy extras can indeed be considered spoiling. And your attitude over what someone does or does not want bought FOR THEIR CHILD does not really show normal attitudes, so don't be so quick to decide if you are warped or not.

I, too, remember the first pair it "it" shoes I received. I was probably going into 6th grade, and they were Nikes. I pranced around the neighborhood proud as a peacock. My parents even took a picture of me modeling them. It didn't turn me into a diva.

I also remember my first pair of "it" shoes. I was in 8th grade and it was Reeboks. I had to babysit and save my own money for those shoes. When I had enough, my mom took me to the mall to get them. She always told me that she promised to buy me shoes and clothes, but if I wanted name brands I needed to pay for them myself. I feel it was a valuable lesson that I learned, and made me respect my money a little more.

I am really floored that some people are basically attacking the OP because she doesn't want her child to be given expensive gifts without reason. We do not buy much for our kids outside of birthdays, Christmas, and report card prizes. We expect our parents to follow our rules, whether they agree with them or not. Little things on occasion we have no problem with, but $80 shoes is not a little thing. If the child has need for shoes, clothing, etc, then that would justify the gift. Now my kids will ask for things whenever we go shopping... I don't care what type of store it is, they will find SOMETHING that they really must have. But they are very used to hearing "If you still really want it at Christmas/birthday/whatever, then put it on your list and I will think about it." That answer works very well for them, and forces them to reconsider if they want something badly enough to actually put it on a list. Point being, asking for something is normal, but buying things just because they were asked for is not. And also not acceptable for a grandparent to go against the parents wishes and buy it anyway.

And while I'm at it... since when do 2 pairs of free shoes = a pair of $80 shoes? If that is the math some of you are using... I have some shoes in my closet that I'm willing to trade!

 

[jen0610]

I thank the good lord that both of my kids HATE heelies. We have no issue with the kids wanting them.

When they first came out 2 years ago, DD said she would like a pair because a lot of her friends have them. Her dad looked at her and asked her if she spoke "BAA", becasue he hadn't reliezed that she was a "sheepleople". She got a good laugh over it, as she recognized the fact that the only reason she wanted them was because someone else like them.

I know a couple of her friends have the wool lined ankle boots and that they wear them a lot, but she has commented about how stinky their feet must be, after being enclosed in wool all the time. Hopefully she keeps that option upon starting middle school on the 24th.

 

[cheermom1]

A pair of shoes and a jacket is not spoiling IF THE CHILD NEEDS IT. If the child has several good pairs of shoes and jackets that fit and do the job, then to buy extras can indeed be considered spoiling. And your attitude over what someone does or does not want bought FOR THEIR CHILD does not really show normal attitudes, so don't be so quick to decide if you are warped or not.



I also remember my first pair of "it" shoes. I was in 8th grade and it was Reeboks. I had to babysit and save my own money for those shoes. When I had enough, my mom took me to the mall to get them. She always told me that she promised to buy me shoes and clothes, but if I wanted name brands I needed to pay for them myself. I feel it was a valuable lesson that I learned, and made me respect my money a little more.

I am really floored that some people are basically attacking the OP because she doesn't want her child to be given expensive gifts without reason. We do not buy much for our kids outside of birthdays, Christmas, and report card prizes. We expect our parents to follow our rules, whether they agree with them or not. Little things on occasion we have no problem with, but $80 shoes is not a little thing. If the child has need for shoes, clothing, etc, then that would justify the gift. Now my kids will ask for things whenever we go shopping... I don't care what type of store it is, they will find SOMETHING that they really must have. But they are very used to hearing "If you still really want it at Christmas/birthday/whatever, then put it on your list and I will think about it." That answer works very well for them, and forces them to reconsider if they want something badly enough to actually put it on a list. Point being, asking for something is normal, but buying things just because they were asked for is not. And also not acceptable for a grandparent to go against the parents wishes and buy it anyway.

And while I'm at it... since when do 2 pairs of free shoes = a pair of $80 shoes? If that is the math some of you are using... I have some shoes in my closet that I'm willing to trade!

well said thank you ....i was wondering what they would say if told them that my mom buys for my kids and not my step kids? that would be a complete turn around ya know.

i mean it is the same concept - grandma buying for one kid and not the others - we treat our kids the same and buy the same for them.

if what they are saying is right to them then my mom only buying for my kids is right!

i do have say though this doesn't happen i just wanted them to see this a different way ....

it seems that what they are saying is that is ok for grandma to buy for one and not the others.

 

[corie161]

I think that most of the time it all comes out in the wash.
So if one of your kids needs or wants a new pair of shoes you would have to buy pair for the other kids regardless of whether they need or want them?

If I spend $200 on dance class for DD does that mean I should make sure to enroll my DS into activities to equal the money spent on DD?

There are some things I can understand this reasoning, buying a car might be one of them. If I am going to buy my kids a car or pay for a portion of one I would expect to pay the same amount for each of them.

I almost positive what I spend in clothing for DD isn't near what DS gets, because first off boys and girls are different and secondly, he's younger and hasn't required certian things yet.

 

[jen0610]

Our dd is the same age. Around here, Converse classic low tops are the IT shoe. Unfortunately, neither grandmothers is into buying things for the grandkids, so we're on our own! I'm very grateful the IT shoe isn't a pair of Coach's!!

DH has always loved the Converse Chucks. Two years ago he got DD a low top pair of Converse. They were cute - pale pink, tan, blue and green plaid colored. She never wore them to school, but would wear them all the time out with us. She took very good care of them, kept them in their original box. Sadly she has finally out grown them, but she took such good care of them, her friend who has smaller feet, is able to wear them so we gave them to her.

DH just bought her a new pair. Only this time, they went with a high top pair of Chucks. She LOVES them. DH loves them. They don't do anything for me, but their aren't on my feet, so I'm not saying a word. They do look really cute on her.

Here's what she got.

http://www.classicsportshoes.com/converse-all-star-chalk.html

If you scroll down a bit on that linked page, there is a light purple colored pair that I was hoping she'd get, but she really wanted the hi-tops.

 

[blissventure]

I think that most of the time it all comes out in the wash.
So if one of your kids needs or wants a new pair of shoes you would have to buy pair for the other kids regardless of whether they need or want them?

If I spend $200 on dance class for DD does that mean I should make sure to enroll my DS into activities to equal the money spent on DD?

There are some things I can understand this reasoning, buying a car might be one of them. If I am going to buy my kids a car or pay for a portion of one I would expect to pay the same amount for each of them.

I almost positive what I spend in clothing for DD isn't near what DS gets, because first off boys and girls are different and secondly, he's younger and hasn't required certian things yet.

Exactly. Getting emotionally involved in making sure everything is 50/50 is just silly. The goal should be overall reasonable fairness.

And I still don't see it as spoiling or excessive to give a 6th grade girl a new pair of school shoes. Had OP purchased new school shoes for her daughter, I would have seen this situation a little differently.
We don't know the ages of the other children, or whether OP isn't going to buy them new shoes, either. (Or...maybe she did buy them new shoes, and opted to not buy for the daughter.)
Hand me downs are fine...but most 6th grade girls would love to have a nice pair of school shoes, and then wear the older ones for play or weekends.
I remember 6th grade. Maybe MIL remembers, too.

 

[blissventure]

DH has always loved the Converse Chucks. Two years ago he got DD a low top pair of Converse. They were cute - pale pink, tan, blue and green plaid colored. She never wore them to school, but would wear them all the time out with us. She took very good care of them, kept them in their original box. Sadly she has finally out grown them, but she took such good care of them, her friend who has smaller feet, is able to wear them so we gave them to her.

DH just bought her a new pair. Only this time, they went with a high top pair of Chucks. She LOVES them. DH loves them. They don't do anything for me, but their aren't on my feet, so I'm not saying a word. They do look really cute on her.

Here's what she got.

http://www.classicsportshoes.com/converse-all-star-chalk.html

If you scroll down a bit on that linked page, there is a light purple colored pair that I was hoping she'd get, but she really wanted the hi-tops.

Cute shoes! It's nice when parents get that things like this mean a lot to kids. It's a two way street. We expect the kids to be appreciative (and not greedy) and we remember that even though some things aren't our taste, the kids think they are cool!

(Of course, sometimes parents have to say no to things that really aren't appropriate...but these shoes aren't in that category at all.)

 

[LuvBaloo]

Wow, there's a lot of drama in this thread.

Grandparents sometimes do things we don't like. I've learned to mellow on it, plus things have slowed down compared to when my first DD was little. DFIL bought her one of those battery powered cars, which I really don't like, and had said I didn't want my DD to have. In the end it eventually came to our house, she used it a couple times, and so did my younger DD and then it went into the garage sale.

My suggestion for OP is to think about what really bothers her, is it because things aren't fair to the other kids, is it that you really don't like the shoes, or is it just because your MIL promised it long ago without talking to you. Or is that you don't like MIL giving popular shoes to your DD after your mom has already given her shoes (underlying fear that MIL is trying to top your mom).
From what I've read, I don't think I'd care about 1 pair of shoes (assuming they aren't heelies or high heels), but then I don't really know the whole story. I suggest talking to your DH just to get your feelings out.

I'm just throwing ideas out there, because often when I'm upset about something, a fresh perspective can help me get to the root of the problem.

 

[C.Ann]

Wow, there's a lot of drama in this thread.

Grandparents sometimes do things we don't like. I've learned to mellow on it, plus things have slowed down compared to when my first DD was little. DFIL bought her one of those battery powered cars, which I really don't like, and had said I didn't want my DD to have. In the end it eventually came to our house, she used it a couple times, and so did my younger DD and then it went into the garage sale.

My suggestion for OP is to think about what really bothers her, is it because things aren't fair to the other kids, is it that you really don't like the shoes, or is it just because your MIL promised it long ago without talking to you. Or is that you don't like MIL giving popular shoes to your DD after your mom has already given her shoes (underlying fear that MIL is trying to top your mom).
From what I've read, I don't think I'd care about 1 pair of shoes (assuming they aren't heelies or high heels), but then I don't really know the whole story. I suggest talking to your DH just to get your feelings out.

I'm just throwing ideas out there, because often when I'm upset about something, a fresh perspective can help me get to the root of the problem.

I asked similar questions - in an attempt to really understand what the issue was, but got no response..

Mostly there have just been a lot of "add on" comments - that weren't originally stated - that might have been a lot more helpful in the original post and possibly have changed some of the replies that the OP has received..

 

[luvmyfam444]

Y'all are welcome to PM me if ya want - i'm sure you're tired of this thread by now... I've PM'd some of you that had questions - that seemed to really want to help.

I most likely won't check this thread again -or at least not promptly...

FWIW the "hand me down shoes" are practically new - mom had surgery & can't wear them & in my mind shoes that were bought in April are also new shoes. In fact 1 pair of tennies are good enough for dd, but since the other 2pair were gonna be given to goodwill I took them for her..

 

[N&B'smom]

PM's are a good idea, that way you don't run the risk of posting anymore 'telling' comments.