NY area Dis'ers who pays for bridal shower? Update 12/10/15 original post

[crisi]

The formal Miss Manners/Emily Post response is that a first degree relative never hosts the shower. Not mother, sister, future mother in law. Also, no one is OBLIGATED to hold a shower. If the maid of honor wants to throw one, great, but there is no requirement for her to do so.

Around here, there is usually a shower thrown by an aunt on the brides side, an aunt on the grooms side, and another friends shower (these are often co-ed now and sometimes are just bachelorette parties rather than gift occasions).

 

[wishesuponastar]

The bridal party should be throwing the shower and often mom will kick in some money to help defray the cost. I have gotten lucky as a bridesmaid once and an aunt insisted on paying the restaurant bill, we just paid for flowers, balloons and our gift of course.

If mom is being told to pay it may be because the expectations for a shower keep going higher and higher and the cost for a sit down meal in a restaurant along with a bar tab are higher than bridesmaids want to pay for a friend's party.

Most brides would no longer be happy with a home shower in this area.

I really wonder how in the world some showers became these fancy sit down events. Must be that brides push for it or their Mothers do
I can see how some showers can't be held in a home, due to lack of space but then personally I would then rent a hall and have it catered or cook the food myself or with help. Maybe it's because many brides and their friends these days have high paying jobs and like to get extravagant. If you think about it back in the olden days many women lived at home with parents right up to their wedding day, things were simpler then. I like to keep things simple. My shower in 1996 was in my cousins home and my bridal party hosted it and cooked all the food.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I also enjoy a smaller scale home shower but haven't been to one in years. The last 20 or so showers I've been to (bridal or baby) have been in a restaurant with 30 - 80 women, usually a sit down meal, a few times a buffet and almost always with cocktails. Everyone wants what their friend had and it goes up from there.

 

[crazyme5kids]

So true. Whatever happened to the days of close family and a few close friends sitting around at someones house laughing, and actually having fun at a shower.

 

[Janepod]

Grew up in NY/NJ/CT. Have never heard of a mother paying for the event (other than maybe picking up a few things here and there, like the favors.) ALWAYS the bridal party.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I live in NYC and I have seen it different ways - the bridal party paying, the mother paying or a combination of everyone paying.

 

[Pigeon]

In my circle (upstate NY), it's usually a relative who may or may not be part of the wedding party. In my case, two SILs threw it. We tend not to have huge, expensive showers though. They are usually in someone's home, not at a restaurant.

 

[LittleMissMagic]

The mother of the bride should be a guest at her daughters bridal shower. The shower should be thrown by her bridal party.

According to wedding etiquette, this is correct.

It's actually inappropriate for the mother of the bride to host the bridal shower, as it implies, "Come, give my daughter gifts."

Of course, that's just old-time tradition... many people don't abide by those 'rules' anymore.

 

[aprilgail2]

Lifelong New Yorker here and the bridal shower is usually thrown by the bridal party. Sometimes mother of the bride or even mother of the groom will pitch in.

Grew up in NY/NJ/CT. Have never heard of a mother paying for the event (other than maybe picking up a few things here and there, like the favors.) ALWAYS the bridal party.

I agree---I am from Long Island NY and the moms do not throw a shower- bad etiquette for a mother to throw a shower for her daughter! She can chip in some money towards it but usually the maid of honor and the bridal party split it!

I am in Long Island, NY. The mother of the bride throws the bridal shower. My mom hosted my sister's shower. My mother and my mother in law hosted mine. And my favorite Aunt and cousin bought the decorations for my party. The bridal party is responsible for the bachelorette party.

I have only been to one shower hosted by a mother ever and I am from long island new york- not usually done.

 

[shoney]

another Long Islander here, I would say the norm is for the bridal party to throw the shower. My did, almost 20 years ago

I have been in bridal parties and always chipped in for the shower. The maid of honor, me in 1 case, made most of the plans, but the other girls helped pay.

One shower was over 90 women! Thank goodness she had 9 girls to split the cost!!!!

 

[DOREEN1779]

I live in Central Jersey. I have been in 4 weddings, not including my own. I have been to many more. The mother of the bride hosted and the bridal party helped with the prep and for the most part, paid for the decorations, helped with invitations, put together the favors... I think it varies greatly by region. It is also customary that the grooms parents host the rehersal dinner.

 

[crazyme5kids]

I agree---I am from Long Island NY and the moms do not throw a shower- bad etiquette for a mother to throw a shower for her daughter! She can chip in some money towards it but usually the maid of honor and the bridal party split it!





I have only been to one shower hosted by a mother ever and I am from long island new york- not usually done.

The showers I have been to have been hosted by the bridal party, but the brides poor parents seem to wind up having to pay for it. I can't remember when the last time I went to one where the brides parents haven't had to pay the lions share of it. Thank goodness I only have two daughters !

 

[funhouse8]

So you are saying if the bridal party doesn't want to throw my DD a shower she shouldn't have one? We did not have a big extravagant shower. It was in a restaurant but we only have 45 woman, The whole thing came to $1,500 complete. I thought that her bridal party would throw it too and was going to offer to pay 1/2. There were 7 girls all together and each has a really great job (Collage grads) with the exception of my younger daughter who is still in school and works part time. ( She offered to pay and I told her to give her sister a nice gift) My daughter never asked for one or discussed this with me. She was so surprised when she walked in that she started to cry. Her bachelorette party was held in a nice Mexican restaurant with dancing afterwards. They did rented a limo and went back to her new apt. afterwards. It cost each girl $75.00. My DD was very concerned about her friends spending too much money on her. So maybe you feel it was poor etiquette on my part but my DD deserved a nice shower just like everyone else even though her friends weren't going to throw it.
THINGS are a lot different then when we got married my Bridal party gave me a shower, chipped in for a really nice gift and then when I got pregnant threw me a baby shower.

 

[want2bamommy]

I'm from Central NJ and my sister just got married last year. I was the Matron of Honor at her wedding and I paid for the shower (sit down restaurant, 30 guests). Since the other ladies in the party did not offer to chip in (not for favors, etc) my Mom and a close Aunt split the party with me.

Five 5 years ago I was a Bridesmaid for a friend (also in Central NJ) and there were probably 100 guests at a hall with a buffet lunch. The Mother of the Bride paid for half then the 5 of us in the Bridal party split the remaining half.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Oh no, not saying anyone shouldn't have a bridal shower! Your daughter deserved one just like all brides do. I know someone who didn't have any bridesmaids, so her mom threw the shower, and I saw nothing wrong with it.

This thread was about who pays for the shower, so I responded and went with what I see to be more common nowadays. Traditions change, and this is one of them that has been changing.

 

[SamSam]

There seems to be a good deal of 'regional' differences. Here, the midwest, it's usually a close friend, or special relative that holds the shower, usually in someone's home or a small rented hall. Fun affairs, with close friends and relatives.

It's considered poor etiquette for the mother to have the shower, but I see nothing wrong with it if no one else has one.

 

[Lucky4me]

I am a future Mother of the groom- (next year) I am giving my son/dil a gift of cash to be used for the wedding/honeymoon/whatever. It's all I have to give them. I pray no one asks me to pay for the bridal shower. ACK!

 

[Kae]

Around here it is the Aunt's Bride & Grooms side or close friends of the mothers. Mine was My aunts, My sisters MIL ( I am very close with my BIL family). My bridal party did my Bachlertte party.

My Baby shower was given by my husbands best friends mother.

Kae

 

[Fantasmic303]

According to wedding etiquette, this is correct.

It's actually inappropriate for the mother of the bride to host the bridal shower, as it implies, "Come, give my daughter gifts."

Of course, that's just old-time tradition... many people don't abide by those 'rules' anymore.

Of course, the old-time tradition didn't have young couples living together for years prior to marriage either, but many people don't abide by those "rules" either!

I'm in Southern CT, and I think you'll have a tough time getting a clear cut answer on this. The last wedding I was in, the bride's aunt paid for all of the flowers and centerpieces while the mother of the bride paid for the venue rental. Bridal party split the cost of other things (the food, favors, etc.) but it wasn't that expensive for the six of us. In other weddings, however, it's been up to the bridal party to handle all costs.

I think it depends on a lot of factors - around here, moms will chip in to give her daughter "the shower of her dreams", especially if she's the only girl in the family. They'd also be likely to help out if the bridal party was young or not financially able to contribute a lot without it becoming a hardship.

I don't really understand all the etiquette books saying that the family of the couple can't host without making it seem like a 'gift grab'. I always thought it was expected that a wedding shower would be held...I think the eyebrows get raised when you start hosting engagement parties, jack 'n jill showers, and bachelorette events (not just close friends, but full on EVENTS) in addition to the shower.

That's just me, though - as I said I think you'll get a lot of different answers no matter who you ask!

 

[funhouse8]

Oh no, not saying anyone shouldn't have a bridal shower! Your daughter deserved one just like all brides do. I know someone who didn't have any bridesmaids, so her mom threw the shower, and I saw nothing wrong with it.

This thread was about who pays for the shower, so I responded and went with what I see to be more common nowadays. Traditions change, and this is one of them that has been changing.

This wasn't addressed to you, I didn't think you were saying that at all. I acually thought your post was very helpful. Us Long Islanders have to stick together.