Nursing home decision

[Beastlover]

My mom is 68 yrs old and has Alzheimers...diagnosed when she was 62. She does not know who anybody is, isn't nasty, has incontinence issues, is starting to fall more often, needs watching all day, although she sleeps most of the time so her muscles are very weak and it is hard for her to get around.

We have had a polish caregiver at her house (my dad is still there, and in good health) for almost a year. Well, she was an inconsiderate person...long story....but we have butted heads over how she talks to us. She started complaining over a hurt neck from caring for my mom. So, today she gave her notice. 2 days notice. After a heavy discussion with my dad, she decided to leave today.

Me and my sis are all for my mom being in a nursing facility...she needs the skilled day to day care they can provide. My dad and bro are on the fence. I can't stomach finding another person to get in there, I know it is the best for her to be in a nursing home. We need a decision from everyone by tomorrow morning so we can get things in place right away. I never thought this would be so difficult. How am I going to pack her up and leave her there? I just want to know if anybody out there who has been in this situation that can offer some support I could really use it.

 

[Luckymommyx2]

I'm in pretty much the same situation with my grandma right now. She has been in and out of the hospital three times so far this month. She is at a point where there is nothing more they can do for her at the hospital and my mom and her siblings are butting heads over where she should go. Unfortunately my grandma isn't really aware of anything going on around her anymore. Today she didn't even recognize my mom. This past weekend I went to visit her in the hospital to say my 'goodbyes' since we didn't think she would be around by this weekend. It was so hard and now I don't know what to do. She was still aware and knew who I was this past weekend. It is so difficult for everyone when something like this happens. I hope I didn't get too far off track here but if you want to PM me to just talk or vent, I'll be there.
Thoughts, prayers and lots of
Try to hang in there.

 

[Dan Murphy]

No personal experiences, Michelle, just saying that is so tough at times getting old. Wish there was an answer. My best in the days ahead, and for you and grandma too, Luckymommyx2.

 

[Disney Doll]

This is always a difficult decision, but your mom woudl benefit from being in the same environment, with the same caregivers and routine. If you have a nursing home in your area that has an Alzheimers unit, all the better, as there are specific ways to deal with Alzheimers folks. The biggest thing is routine and stimulation.

As far as the incontinence and other issues...they are hard to deal with at home, and often what happens is that the person ends up with skin breakdown etc.

At this point the best thing you could do for oyur mom is to put her in the care of professionals. IT will improve the quality of her life, after the initial adjustment period.

 

[C.Ann]

I have not been faced with this - yet. However, my best friend had to do this with her Mom (worse yet she was an only child) and my DD's MIL had to do it with her Mom, she being the only DD and VERY close to her..

I won't kid you and say that this was an easy thing for them to do.. And yes - walking away and leaving them there was very tough - but sometimes, when the elderly can no longer take care of themselves and aren't "safe", there really isn't much choice.. It would be far more cruel on your part to leave her in an unsafe environment where she didn't receive the proper care..

I've recently been reading some excellent books on caregiving and the one thing that really struck me is that WE don't have the right to manipulate our loved ones lives based ONLY on what will make US feel better.. We need to do what is best for THEM - regardless of how it makes us feel - and it seems apparent that a nursing home is your Mom's only alternative..

I wish you the best in this difficult decision and will say a prayer for all of you..

Hugs,
C.Ann

 

[ragdoll]

Placing my mom in a nursing home was the most difficult thing that I ever had to do. However, it was for her own good. She needed constant care that we were unable to give. Please do not feel quilty about it. Sometimes it is the only thing that can be done. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Not really any good advice, as I have no firsthand experience with this, but just a (or several ) for support.

 

[Deb & Bill]

If you can find a facility that is strictly Alzheimer care and not included with Nursing Home care, you will probably get a better facility for your mom. My father was in an Alzheimer's facility that was wonderful. They had the space to roam, including going inside and out without any potential for danger. All the staff was trained in Alzheimer's and you didn't have staff filling in who did not have the training. (Our facility was Silverado - a chain. See if they have one near you. Plus I think they have a website.)

Is there a chance that you can find a day care facility for your mother? My dad (until he needed full time care) was picked up in the morning, cared for during the day and brought home in the late afternoon. This gave my mom time to run errands, go to appointments, or just rest and nap. At first he went two times a week, then three, and finally Mon-Fri.

The facility where he finally moved to was close to where my mom lived, so she drove over there every day to spend part of the day with him. My brother, sister and I (plus our families) would visit as often as possible (I live 250 miles away, so I only got there on weekends - my sister and brother both live nearby, so they often dropped by after work).

The caregivers at my father's facilty were wonderful. They were very loving towards my dad. I knew he was safe and cared for.

By the way, my mother just died in hospice care about 6 weeks ago. That was the most humane way for her to die with dignity. Another marvelous group of caring individuals.

 

[princessariel]

I work in a nursing home that has an excellent Alzheimer unit. It takes a special kind of nurse aide to work on that unit. We have very caring people working there who have been trained properly to do a good job. I would suggest you and your family visit the nursing home and see for yourself how things are done there. I'm sure you want what is best for your Mom. I truely believe no matter how hard you try to take care of your Mom yourselves, it would be better for her and your family to find a good Alzheimer nursing home.

We recently had our big fund raiser for Alzheimer research. Our nursing home raised over $9,000.00 for research this year. Hopefully we will soon be able to find a cure.

God bless you and your family. I know it's a hard decision to make. Sending prayers and to you.

 

[arminnie]

Originally posted by princessariel
I'm sure you want what is best for your Mom. I truly believe no matter how hard you try to take care of your Mom yourselves, it would be better for her and your family to find a good Alzheimer nursing home.

One of my best friends went through this with her mother. My friend did not have any other family and was not working, but even she could not take care of her mother alone. She realized that it was very unfair to her mother not to provide the care than she needed - which in this case was a skilled nursing facility.

My friend visited her mother everyday - sometimes multiple times a day. I live very far away but I also went to see her mother when I could. She was very happy and well taken care of for several years before her death.

Best wishes for you and your family in dealing with this difficult situation.

 

[Lachesis00]

I am so sorry to read this but it sounds like this is a very wise decision....

 

[poohtown]

we had to put my grandmother in a nursing home after she fell and hurt herself. I can't say she loved it like being at home, but she did meet alot of people she liked and was involved in activities. We would go visit and whenever we brought the kids or the dog, people would flock to see them. It's a hard decision and only you and your family knows what is best for all involved. If you do decide on the nursing home, you can make sure to bring things from home to decorate, make visits, send mail, etc. Good Luck.

 

[shoes99]

Originally posted by ragdoll
Placing my mom in a nursing home was the most difficult thing that I ever had to do. However, it was for her own good. She needed constant care that we were unable to give. Please do not feel quilty about it. Sometimes it is the only thing that can be done. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

I'm quoting ragdoll, but my situation was similar. My Mom was diagnosed at the age of 68. She had a fall at the roller rink during her regular Tuesday night session. She skated her whole life. She broke her hip. She was never the same after the surgery. The trama excellarated the Alzheimers . My Dad was still alive, so we kept her home as long as we could. She was starting to hurt herself, eat foreign objects, put the burners on the stove, and she would leave the house and wander the neighborhood. My Dad never could get any sleep and he had a heart condition. We got Mom in daycare for 3 years, then into a nursing home for almost 4. It was a tough decision but we could no longer care for her 24 hours a day. Dad couldn't make the decision, but we did. And he was so glad that we did.
She died at the age of 79..
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
Michele

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I helped my cousin, an only child, pick out an Alzheimer's facility for his Mom this year. He'd been stuggling with her care for several years alone at home with supplemental care givers and daycare but she had some scary and dangerous incidents. He admirably was trying to do the right thing but in the process had given up his own life in caring for her round the clock. When her caregiver moved away it was time to make a move and I was glad because I thought it was in both their best interests. But it certainly is easier said than done.

We thought she would have a tough time but it was more him - the guilt is very difficult. (You don't say what stage your Mom is in but in Late stage there is almost no choice, they most always need to be in a facility). If she is still in Middle stage then the daycare idea is a good one to give your Dad a break and to get her out of bed. (If she loses her walking skills she may not regain them; she can also get blood clots and muscle wasting, etc...). Daycare/respite care may be sufficient for a while and she may actually like it. If she does go into a facility, though, it's important for everyone in the family to stay involved in her care and visit her as often as possible. This gives her the best of both worlds.

Caregiver burnout is a big problem in a situation like this understandably. If you have to make a decision by tomorrow it may not be right at this time, everyone should be in agreement that this is what is best for her. It's in her best interest that everyone is on the same page. I thought the staff at the facility was excellent in explaining things to us, we met several times with the Director who offered support and assurance and answered any and all questions we had about our decision making. Perhaps you could all meet as a family with the staff.

Best of luck, your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Beastlover]

Thank you everyone for your kind advice and support!!

I am waiting to make the call to my sis (who is with me on the decision) and then we will conference in my bro and dad. I am praying we can all agree on the Nursing/Alzheimers Unit decision. This needs to happen for her, and I know we all have to agree that it is time. I have been "pro" this for months now. I feel my mom's needs WILL be best served there. I also know it will be difficult for her, because she does have a routine at home. This move will probably accelerate her disease...although I can't imagine it going any faster.

I pray for strength to get through this, and I pray for God's will be done for my mom. I really miss her, SHE just isn't there. She doesn't even put together coherent sentences anymore.

Pea-n-Me:

(If she loses her walking skills she may not regain them; she can also get blood clots and muscle wasting, etc...)

I think that is what is happening to her, she has gotten so weak in the past 9 months...

We have 3 nursing/Alzheimer homes in the area, 2 of which could take her immediately...the other (our first choice) is calling me later this morning with a possible opening. This one would be taking her in the Alz. unit, but no bed available now. She would go into skilled until an Alz. bed available. One of available now homes won't take her in the Alzheimer unit because she needs too much assistance. We have visited all of them, they are all clean and they offer activities, and all that necessary stuff. I am really praying for the first choice because it is VERY nice...the Alz. unit has 16 beds....and looks like a hotel.

Anyway, I will check in after the call.....thanks for the prayers!!

 

[Beastlover]

Well, just got off the conference call with my sis, bro and dad. We also talked to another family member who had my mom's aunt in 4 different nursing homes. Hands down she chose one of the homes that will take my mom in now. It is a county home, so there would be no moving her once her money ran out.

I am relieved that the decision is done. Now comes the paperwork, packing, preparing and final moving. Any advice on these steps would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for the pd and hugs!!

 

[Tinkerbelle739]

This issue came up in our family last Oct and my uncle decided to build on to his home and have my grandparents live with him. It has been very hard since my grandfather was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. Whichever route you choose it will be a hard one.

 

[Mimi Q]

Michelle,

I have worked in a nursing home for 17 years- now just as a consultant. Check out this link for the government website where you can compare nursing homes in your area. I have been in many nursing homes over the years and believe me there are some excellent ones, and some that I wouldn't put my worst enemy in. I know you said the decision has been made, but just check them out of this website. Very good, objective information. I know what a hard decision this is as I have been through it with my grandfather. Prayers for you and your family.

http://www.medicare.gov/NHCompare/H...anguage=English&defaultstatus=0&pagelist=Home

 

[lisalynn]

So sorry!

I am in the same situation; my Mom has been in a nursing home for 2+ years now with Lewy Body Syndrome (Alzheimer's & Parkinson's combined). Feel free to pm me & I'll be glad to fill you in on my familys' struggles and situation.

It's a tough road to follow. I wish you much strength for the journey.

God bless!

 

[sha_lyn]

I went through this with my grandmother about 6 years ago. Luckily we were able to first put her in assitend living. It was amazing how well she improved hainvg a routine, daily contact with friends (some life long) balanced meals, and someone supervising her meds and blood sugar counts. I faced a lot of oppisistion. The saddest/funniest was her sister that told everyone I did it to get my granmothers savings. HELLO... her apartment rest was 225 a month and she was constantly having low sugar episodes. If I had left her in the apartment she would have soon died and I would have inherited all her savings except the bonds she had my dad and uncle down as benficiary of. Instead I moved her to an assited living complex that cost 2500 a month.
I know it is a hard decision, and I am so glad that you have family that is making the deision with you.
No real adivse on the transition part, except be there for her. She will be in a strange place aroudn strange people. Even if she doesn't recognize you, there is a bond there that I really and truly think she will feel.