Not taking teen on planned WDW trip as punishment to harsh?

[fuji]

I really don't know the whole story, but I can tell you that when I was 12 I made the schools basketball team. I was also getting into alot of trouble;suspended, detensions were normal. My Father said enough is enough and I could no longer play basketball. I rebelled big time. Started doing drugs and since I was grounded all the time I skipped school to hang out with my friends. In the end it all work out, but my Father will tell you, his biggest regret with me was to take away something so important to me.

So good luck with your decision!!

 

[bugsy]

I do agree with the "earning back" of the trip idea. She could earn points as one poster mentioned for good behavior, lose points for negative behavior.
That way, the ball in entirely in her court, and let the cards fall as she plays them. It also agrees with my reward vs. entitlement statement earlier.
...and as the saying goes "one aw s*** cancels out two atta-boys" ...good luck, it's tough to be a parent in general, and especially during those teen years! We've been through it, and survived, didn't think we would when we were in the thick of it tho!

 

[TupperMom7]

I didn't read all of the other posts, but it looks like I will be in the minority here....
If I were you I would tell her that you are very upset with her lack of respect for authority. That is the real issue here. I don't think it is that serious of an offense to pass candy or notes in class, even talking in class - if it weren't a disrespect for the teacher - that in my opinion is the real offense.
I don't recall if you said what her grades are - is she doing well in all her classes? Have you asked her pediatrician for advice? Maybe there is something medically wrong that she cannot pay attention for long periods of time without passing a note, talking, etc. Or maybe your pediatrician would have some advice on how to deal with these problems?
I think that not taking her WDW as punishment is too harsh. Her activity in school is already a plea for attention, even if it is negative. Leaving her behind might send the wrong kind of message to her - at least I could never imagine doing that to one of my kids and believe me my son who is in 9th grade is requires a great deal of patience!!
Instead of putting her in detention or suspending her from school, does the school have a work program where the student stays after school and helps the teacher? I'm sure if she had to photocopy some things, clean up the classroom, help the teacher prepare for the next day, etc. then she might appreciate what the teacher's go through - maybe get to know the teacher as a person, not just a figure in the front of the classroom?
I wish you luck - hopefully your whole family will have a wonderful time in WDW!

 

[3gr8kids]

I agree with the majority of other posters - stick to your guns. I, too, have a 14 year old DD. She was doing absolutely terrible in school (on the verge of being retained (again). Not for lack of intelligence, but for total lack of effort. We have had her tested for just about everything, all results negative. Basically, she is just plain old lazy when it comes to school, (she considers school a social event) and doesn't really care about her grades so she doesn't apply herself. We have had meetings upon meetings with teachers, vice principal, and principal (who, BTW, is a VERY strict nun and doesn't put up with any cra*). My biggest issue was, if a child doesn't do well in school because of lack of knowledge, you can always help them learn the books. BUT, how do you teach a child to CARE about school and get them to WANT to learn? Noone really had an answer for that. We finally decided that, at 14, the choices she makes are her own, so she will have to deal with the consequences. We also threatened to leave her home from our vacation and low and behold, last report card came back with only 1 C, the rest being A's and B's!!!!! I spoke with one of her teachers (another very strict nun) the other night and she told me she couldn't believe the change in my daughter - she misplaced a French homework assignment and was actually distraught!!!! I'm not sure if threatening the loss of vaction did it, but I definitely see a difference in the attitude and effort in my DD.

 

[wide awake]

Thank-you 3gr8tkids,
I know it is always a temptation to say there is something wrong with my child, he can't help his lousy behavior and lack of attention...sort of odd, these same kids can be focused for hours on computer games or their favorite videos. My DS is 14 and autistic, and I have always had to be VERY strict...he has known from day 1 that certain things are NEVER tolerated...and because of that he is a joy, and has always been the favorite of every teacher he has ever had. He isn't a joy just because of my discipline, he has an effervescent personality, but you get the idea. I've always wanted everyone to love my child, and to that end I make sure he always has the best clothes and haircuts, along with pleasing behaviors and manners...he is with others many hours of the day, I don't want them dreading his presence...as I have with kids in my classroom. I'm a teacher, and teachers talk, and I can bet when the OP's daughter is mentioned in the teacher's lounge that lots of eye rolling goes on...who wants to think that is what others think of their child. For the poster that talked about the negative effects of grounding...I've always thought grounding was a stupid punishment...way too hard to enforce and very difficult for the parents. I still think the OP should stick to her guns...as hard as it will be.

 

[3DisneyNUTS]

I don't think she needs warning. It seems like there is worry about being fair which is dangerous. She is out of comtrol in the schools eyes (I mean an honor roll kid getting suspended means she is really disruptive) It is worth being "unfair" to get her back on track. You don't want her feeling like she has the power here. She obviously has not taken the countless warnings from her parents and her teachers because she was suspended. I would definitely stick to your guns and make this a valueable lesson for her. Life is not "fair" and is she were an employee or in college the wouldn't take her crap KWIM? Better she learn the lesson the hard way now than later when she could ruin her life with poor choices!

 

[MickeyMonstersMom]

I don't want [teachers] dreading [my son's] presence...as I have with kids in my classroom. I'm a teacher, and teachers talk, and I can bet when the OP's daughter is mentioned in the teacher's lounge that lots of eye rolling goes on...who wants to think that is what others think of their child.

I teach Middle School, and can confirm wide awake's assessment. It may seem harsh that teachers do this, but when a particular student (or group) has gotten on your last nerve, it helps to unload a little in the lounge, even if the discussion starts as a way to help the student. My DS has pretty severe issues with transitions and I've put him in counseling not only to help him cope, but also to prevent his name being accompanied by eye-rolling in the lounge.

TupperMom also has a really good point to look beyond the behavior to the disrespect that it represents. I'm working on that with my own (precocious) 10 y/o DD - she's also very social and does not see why she gets reprimanded for something as innocuous as talking with her friends. I just spoke to her about the fact that it's not the talking that's getting her in trouble, but the disregard for the teacher's authority that leads her to presume that she can act against her teacher's instructions. Maybe it would help to approach it that way - sure, talking in class and having candy isn't such a big deal, but the disrespect is.

I'm concerned about the OP's school's policies. I'm very lucky to teach in a great school that values parental communication and input - we'd never have a student inform their parent(s) of a disciplinary action, but would call the parent within 5 minutes of the decision, preferably with the student still in the room to also talk to the parent about the behavior and its consequence. I suggest having administrators and teachers create - and sign - a written contract that delineates their goals for your daughter's behavior as well as the specific steps that will be taken if she fails to reach these goals. You and your daughter should sign as well, btw. Then everyone has a clear document and understands exactly what should happen.

I suspect I may be in the same boat with DD in a few years, so I'd love to hear how everything works out for you. Good luck.

 

[HappyLawyer]

I teach Middle School, and can confirm wide awake's assessment. It may seem harsh that teachers do this, but when a particular student (or group) has gotten on your last nerve, it helps to unload a little in the lounge, even if the discussion starts as a way to help the student. My DS has pretty severe issues with transitions and I've put him in counseling not only to help him cope, but also to prevent his name being accompanied by eye-rolling in the lounge.

TupperMom also has a really good point to look beyond the behavior to the disrespect that it represents. I'm working on that with my own (precocious) 10 y/o DD - she's also very social and does not see why she gets reprimanded for something as innocuous as talking with her friends. I just spoke to her about the fact that it's not the talking that's getting her in trouble, but the disregard for the teacher's authority that leads her to presume that she can act against her teacher's instructions. Maybe it would help to approach it that way - sure, talking in class and having candy isn't such a big deal, but the disrespect is.

I'm concerned about the OP's school's policies. I'm very lucky to teach in a great school that values parental communication and input - we'd never have a student inform their parent(s) of a disciplinary action, but would call the parent within 5 minutes of the decision, preferably with the student still in the room to also talk to the parent about the behavior and its consequence. I suggest having administrators and teachers create - and sign - a written contract that delineates their goals for your daughter's behavior as well as the specific steps that will be taken if she fails to reach these goals. You and your daughter should sign as well, btw. Then everyone has a clear document and understands exactly what should happen.

I suspect I may be in the same boat with DD in a few years, so I'd love to hear how everything works out for you. Good luck.

I do not think it is harsh at all having taught, before and before knowing what i do know, i had no idea the disruptions, behaviors and stress factors teachers had to deal with. It can be physically and emotionally draining, Now i do believe as a former teacher and parent, behavior does not just come out of the blue, it escalates and grows and that is why i feel it needs to be addressed early on so kids do not become teens and out of control (not talking about anyone specific just general) i had my dtr very very very spoiled early, i grew up very poor and i wanted her to know that i worked hard and se has the good life, well by the age of 5 i realized the type of mistakes i was making, because she was rotten to the core, i had to make many adjustments to my giving into her wants, i had to learn to follow through on my conseauences and it was very hard for me. Things are getting better-she will be 9 but she also tries to still play on my emotions, but the one thing i tell her is i will not tolerate disrespect and bad behavior at school, i taught in that environment for 3 years, and i can relate to how some of these teachers felt.

OP: I am sure everyting will work out, especially when she sees that you are serious about keeping your word in regards to her punishments.

I will keep you in my thougts as i can relate to your situation.

 

[rbuzzotta]

I have been reading this thread all the way through. It is helping me so much. I am in the same situation as the OP but we have taken it further. We have gotten the criminal justice system involved!! We have gotten a probation officer involved and DD was visited by this officer in school this past friday.

We have talked with the prinicpal at the school (who is the absolute BEST) and have spoken to her teachers (also very good). She was just tested for ADD and LD. WE are awaiting an appointment for counseling.

We need to follow through!! NO more idle threats!! DD has never had to 'want' for anything. She comes from an upper middle class family and lives in a very nice house. She is just very defiant and DH and I can just no longer chalk it up as "the teen years". There is no longer an excuse for being disrespectful and defiant!!! She is not fearful of our threats!! Now, with the law involved, she is beginning to realize that we mean business and will no longer put up with it. WE have two other daughters that need to grow up in a good family with positive role models. They see what our oldest is putting us through and do not want to be like her. WE must stop it now before she gets to high school next year!!

It is killing me to have to take this action!! I know it has to be done.

Parents..............please monitor your child's IM messages. This is where we found out ALOT of info. This is what made us make the decision to do what we have done.

All in all, I know she is a good kid............just on a path to the wrong road!! WE need to stop it now before it gets too late!!

Thanks to everyone that has posted. Your ideas have helped me even though I am not the OP. Good luck to the OP................it is a tough road, but stay strong. It seems there is alot of support here.

 

[tiff211]

First, thank you all for so much great advice. It is comforting to hear that I am not alone but I feel for all that are going through or have gone through troublesome teen years!!!

Let me just give some insight as to the type of mom I am. Since, I am very busy, I make sure that I do spend that quality time with my kids, 1 on 1. The night before she got in trouble, we had gone shopping just us two. I try to show her that even though she can drive me crazy at times, I am still there for her and always will be. She often tells me how her friends say what an awesome mom she has. Example, she had this boyfriend (just in the sense of the word, nothing more!!!) Anyway, she found out he kissed his ex girlfriend and when I picked up her that day she was visably upset. I told her this was just the beginning unfortunately and her little heart would go through more heartache. It was a part of life. I also told her this was the reason I had told her she was too young to "date" because emotionally she was not ready to handle everything that comes along with it. I felt for my baby as she sat there with tears in her eyes and wanted to kill this boy that had caused her pain. She wanted to know how did I know something was wrong when she had gotten in the car, I said I am your mom, it's my job to know. That night, I went and bought her a card that said something a mom knows her daughter by heart....just thinking of you. I wrote, I hope you have a better day! The next morning as she got out of the car to go to school, I handed her the card. When I picked her up, she said that card made my day. I am a big believer in it's the little things.

On the other hand, I have told her over and over, my job is to make sure she has a roof over her head, clothes on her back, food in her belly and she has the "tools" to make in the world as a decent human being, education, morals, respect for others etc. I do not have to give her her own room, designer clothes or devil dogs (her favorite). Everything else is a privilege. Trips, movies etc. I can and will take away in the drop of a dime. If you do not respect me, I will not spend my hard earned money on the "extras" You cause me stress, I will take the money that I save and get myself a nice massage!

She has been evaluated, there is nothing wrong with her except she acts before she thinks and she thinks she can just do what she wants. She does what she wants but does not think about what will happen as a result. We have had long talks about this and she admits it.


I am still trying to decide how to handle this situation. I am thinking about seeing if she"gets" it and if she starts to change her behavior by getting updates from the teacher. If she does get her act together, then I will let her go on the trip but she will not know beforehand.

 

[txgirl]

Harsh or not, it's too late now. You have to follow through with it or she'll never take you seriously.

And for the record, I don't think it's too harsh. But something needs to be done to stop her behavior from continuting. You've got the punishment for what she's done in the past covered, now what are you going to do to help her improve?

Edited to add: May I also recommend a book to read while you're there? It's called Parenting With Love and Logic. I can't recommend this highly enough.

This book changed my life. My children were only 7 & 5 at the time. We now have three children (10, 8, & 2) and while I sometimes tweak the advice to apply to my own parenting style, overall it is the most logical way to deal with rebellion.

I agree with others here. If you say it, you must do it. Otherwise you have really compromised your position as parent.

 

[skiwee1]

I'm another that thinks it's too harsh. I could see if the trip was going away with friends but it isn't. It's going away with family. I could never take a family trip away from my child and still take the rest of the gang. That just says that they are not wanted. I think it would do you all good to go as a family. she is a good student yet talk all the time? Maybe she is bored with her work. Maybe she wants your attention as other said. Whatever the reason, she is family and should not be left out of a family trip. That is a memory that you all will have for the rest of your lives that she will not.

 

[3DisneyNUTS]

I'm another that thinks it's too harsh. I could see if the trip was going away with friends but it isn't. It's going away with family. I could never take a family trip away from my child and still take the rest of the gang. That just says that they are not wanted. I think it would do you all good to go as a family. she is a good student yet talk all the time? Maybe she is bored with her work. Maybe she wants your attention as other said. Whatever the reason, she is family and should not be left out of a family trip. That is a memory that you all will have for the rest of your lives that she will not.

You cannot equate consequenses with her feeling unwanted. All mom has to do it be clear and let her know her actions are what caused this. As long as mom puts accountability on the daughter then she will know it wasn't that her parents didn't want her on the trip. She was suspended from school, this is a big deal IMO it deserves a big consequence. Especially for an honor student. She could get the best grades in the world but if she has a suspension record forget about a decent college or any kind of scholarship. I would definitely take action now than let it get out of control.

 

[Marseeya]

What I'm wondering is, what would happen if there was no dad to take up the slack in this case? It's all well and good that she can be pushed off onto dear old dad (and can he really be counted on to make sure she's not having a blast while she's with him?), but if dad wasn't in the picture, what then? Personally, I'd find a way to have her go, but severely restrict her while she's there -- no souvenirs, no extra money of any kind, no going off on her own.

But then I'm on the other side of the coin. My 14 yo ds has to go with us and it's worse punishment for him to go. LOL

 

[skiwee1]

You cannot equate consequenses with her feeling unwanted. All mom has to do it be clear and let her know her actions are what caused this. As long as mom puts accountability on the daughter then she will know it wasn't that her parents didn't want her on the trip. She was suspended from school, this is a big deal IMO it deserves a big consequence. Especially for an honor student. She could get the best grades in the world but if she has a suspension record forget about a decent college or any kind of scholarship. I would definitely take action now than let it get out of control.

Sorry but I disagree. Speaking from my own experiences with my 3 kids, 22,16, and 6, this is my opinion. I think the punishment is too harsh. I do not think it is right to take a trip where you leave one child out as their punishment. You either take all the kids, and come up with a more appropriate punishment, or none of you go.

 

[Marseeya]

You either take all the kids, and come up with a more appropriate punishment, or none of you go.

I agree 100%.

 

[alicenwonder99]

I'm another that thinks it's too harsh. I could see if the trip was going away with friends but it isn't. It's going away with family. I could never take a family trip away from my child and still take the rest of the gang. That just says that they are not wanted. I think it would do you all good to go as a family. she is a good student yet talk all the time? Maybe she is bored with her work. Maybe she wants your attention as other said. Whatever the reason, she is family and should not be left out of a family trip. That is a memory that you all will have for the rest of your lives that she will not.

I also think this punishment is too harsh. I'm just wondering, is this the first time you were made aware of her behavior in class? If so, then IMO you need to sit with your dd and talk with her about what is expected of her in class. Explain to her what the consequences will be if she continues to misbehave. And then stick to the consequences. If you were aware of her misbehavior, did you tell your dd what the consequences will be. As long as your dd knows what is expected of her in class (yeah, I'm sure she knows what's the appropriate behavior...but maybe she was getting away with alot of the bad behavior in class for the whole school year, and the teacher in anger suspended her), and your dd knows what the consequences will be if she doesn't behave, then you should just leave it up to dd. It will be dd's choice if she wants to misbave in class, and then suffer the consequences.

I'm glad you are reconsidering the punishment. I think it would be worse for your dd if you left her behind while taking the other children. A family vacation is just so important.

Oh, and congrats on your pg!

BTW, I have 4 children...2 of the teens are girls.

Mary

 

[andromedaslove]

I also agree that this punishment is too harsh. Before I ever take something that huge away from my 14 year old son, I give him plenty of warning. I make sure that he is clear about the fact that if he doesn't behave he will lose a specific priveledge, and he knows exactly what that priveledge is. I would never take my other two children on a trip to WDW and leave my oldest behind because he couldn't behave. First of all it makes him feel left out, unwanted, and un-needed. Secondly, my 4 year old would have a complete and total fit if we left his bubba at home and would pitch a royal fit the entire time we were gone. And thirdly, most of the time when he is acting out because he wants attention, and as a teenager can be very insecure. He needs to be around his family, and doing things together as a family.

I know how easy it can be when you get that letter of suspension to think of the worst thing you can punish your child with and just throw it out there. I have done it myself. I even threatened no Christmas one year, it was either that or I thought I might just kill him!! Sometimes you have to wait a while, take a step back, and think about who you are really punishing. Who is this going to punish more, you, your other kids, or her? You and the rest of your family shouldn't have to be punished, during her punishment.

That's just my opinion though,


Dana

 

[lovesdumbo]

If she does get her act together, then I will let her go on the trip but she will not know beforehand.

Let me say first that I probably should NOT be giving advice. I have 3 kids DD(5 1/2), DS(4) and DD(2). I'm dealing with issues with my DS right now. He's wetting his pants only at home 2 to 4 times per day just to show us he's got control. This summer if he got upset with us he'd stop talking for sometimes 12 hours. He doesn't care about anything (toys, tv, activities...) enough to punish or reward him with-not that we aren't trying. So like I said I'm probably not the best to be giving advice but I think if you do what you said take her "at the last minute" kind of deal it would appear that you're just caving in or that it was always just an empty threat. I think I would try to take her because I do think creating memories without her wouldn't be the best thing but I would have a talk with her now so she knows what she can do to earn the trip back.

Best of luck!

 

[bigredmm50]

I was a single mom for 13 years. I had my first child very, very young. When my DH and I divorced, he moved away from the area so he was not around to help deal with the 3 children we had. Child support payments were sporadic at best and when they were paid, not enough to cover the cost of 3 teenage children.

My children were not perfect, they got into a few scraps now and then. But they ALL knew that ultimately they were responsible for their own actions. I did the best job I could possibly do raising them by myself.

Your punishment is justifiable. You are doing the right thing. She needs to grow up and suffer the consequences. Going to WDW is a privelage and she needs to remember that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. She's a big girl and knows right from wrong. Don't let anyone make excuses for her.

Tough Love!!!