Not sure what to do

[fly girl]

First, sorry about the family rift. You did the right thing. I’m sorry the rest of the family doesn’t see it as smartly as you do. For goodness sakes, life is hard enough. Finding love and happiness is all that matters, the gender is inconsequential.

Second, if it makes YOU feel better then send it. I wouldn’t do a damn thing for them. But my gut says you really want to because you liked the woman. Then by all means, do it! Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care if they get mad. You are doing it for the right reasons.

If you are still so considerate of them in this difficult time (which is very above and beyond) send it when you know they’ll receive it after the funeral. Then if by off chance they are worked up over you sending condolences — which seems crazy, but hey they sound like they could be — it’ll be after all the chaos of having the funeral.

 

[DietCoke18]

As some of you know, I've mentioned before that my brothers stopped speaking to me a few years ago. I can go into the reasons here but I'm not sure they pertain. My oldest brother had his wife and kids cut me out of all their social media accounts and I was not invited to high school graduation for his son. They flew across the country to my state for a visit and never made any attempt at contact. I know they were here because my mom, who tries hard to pretend that everything is fine told me.

My mom also just told me that my brother's wife's mom just passed away. The mom has lived with them for years and I knew her, and before they all stopped talking to my I was very friendly with my brother's wife as well. She's really a great person, or at least I would have said that before.

So my dilemma is - do I send a card? Obviously I'm not gonna get "invited" to the funeral, and it is across country anyways. This moment isn't about me, but there's a part of me that hopes someday they may want to talk to me again and so I don't want to screw it up. Does sending a card show that I'm being pushy or cause them to feel bad in anyway? Cuz I don't want to do something that makes them feel worse during this time. I mean if they've chosen to ignore me, then maybe a card from me is meaningless? I'm pretty conflicted because I'd feel like a jerk for not doing something.

Don’t overthink it. Send a condolences card. It’s the right thing to do regardless of circumstance

 

[Nancyg56]

At first I thought- send a card, it is the right thing to do.
Then I read why they cut you out of their lives, so I wouldn't send them (of the SIL) a card. Sometimes toxic people just don't deserve the right thing.
I would just donate to a charity in the SIL's mothers name if you want to honor her in some way.
If it were me I'd find a charity that supports the LGBT community

I tend to agree. I woudl not send a card to people who do not speak to me

I would not make a donation in the mom's name but I would not want any acknowledgement sent to the family. IMO, this relationship is personal and has nothing to do with people who cut me off.

 

[wgeo]

Thank you to everyone who offered an opinion. This entire situation makes me emotional and so I don't always think clearly, I really appreciate everyone's thoughts.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I would send a card. It takes very little time and effort on your part, and is meant to acknowledge the passing of someone you knew. Feel free to make donations to her chosen charity, and any other charity that feels right to you. If your family misinterprets your gesture or overreacts--well, that's on them. THEY cut YOU out--not the other way around.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

"Have courage and be kind" -- I would send the card. It honors the woman who died, and you can't know how your act of kindness will touch someone or who will be touched. Maybe your SIL or maybe someone else. We had relatives who cut us off, joyfully, for years. After they died, a niece told us that she found the evidence of their years of spite and was touched by our faithfulness to these people who hated us so much. Wishing you well in this tough moment.

 

[Michelleybelle]

I've mentioned it in other threads, doesn't really pertain to the current issue. But the very short version is that I supported my niece when she came out as lesbian and the rest of the family did not. And instead of discussing anything with me they literally just cut me, my husband and my children out of their lives.

I'm so sorry that they reacted that way to you and your niece! You sound like a person who acts out of love, and I commend you for that!

 

[plygph]

Send the card unless her obit requests donations to her favorite charity. Folks it is never too late to tell some you love them even if your estranged from them. Time is short for all of us, as we are not guaranteed our next breath.

I have learned that the saying of Life is like a roll of paper towels the closer you get the paper tube the faster it goes is a very true statement.

 

[Mainsail Minnie]

I personally wouldn't invest any more thought or energy into these people. I would not send a card.

But they're your relatives, so only you know how you really feel about them. If you actually love them & want to mend fences, sending the card might be a good move.

Don't feel like you're obligated, though. You aren't.

 

[Disney Doll]

Send the card. It doesn’t cost much and it honors the dead person and offers comfort to the family.

 

[wgeo]

Send the card. It doesn’t cost much and it honors the dead person and offers comfort to the family.

In fact I did send the card today, but yeah that was the entire point of my question I suppose - would it necessarily provide any comfort to the family since they've chosen to no longer include me in their family. But I sent it anyways, had to have my husband right on it though

 

[SingingMom]

My brothers are aware that my parents still talk to me. My parents snowbird down here, and we vacationed together this year. My parents have this bizarre thing were they think if they just keep acting like nothing has happened that magically it will all go away. I did finally have to ask my mom to tell me less stories about my brother's families because it hurt me too much.

Going through a similar family drama - I feel for you because the hypocrisy of it is driving me crazy. But, I don't blame my parents since they are elderly - I blame my sibling for cutting all contact because we do not share the same view on a family situation. ::sigh:: Good luck.

 

[Lilsia]

This is still your niece's grandmother. I think that I would make sure that she is OK and maybe the both of you can figure out what to do. Good luck to you.

 

[wgeo]

This is still your niece's grandmother. I think that I would make sure that she is OK and maybe the both of you can figure out what to do. Good luck to you.

Thanks, actually it is not the niece's grandma, I have more than one brother. As far as I know the niece that has had so many problems with the family never really knew her cousin's grandmother.

 

[wgeo]

Going through a similar family drama - I feel for you because the hypocrisy of it is driving me crazy. But, I don't blame my parents since they are elderly - I blame my sibling for cutting all contact because we do not share the same view on a family situation. ::sigh:: Good luck.

Sorry that you are going thru something similar. It just isn't any fun at all. I hope yours is able to get resolved sooner rather then later.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks, actually it is not the niece's grandma, I have more than one brother. As far as I know the niece that has had so many problems with the family never really knew her cousin's grandmother.

OK - I'm a little confused now. The brother and sister-in-law that just lost the mother are NOT the parents of the niece you've supported? If not, why has it become such a hill for them to die on? How's your relationship with the girl's actual parents?

 

[wgeo]

OK - I'm a little confused now. The brother and sister-in-law that just lost the mother are NOT the parents of the niece you've supported? If not, why has it become such a hill for them to die on? How's your relationship with the girl's actual parents?

Yeah the niece's parents are actually a different brother. I have asked myself many times why they've made their choice - wish I knew. The niece's dad/mom stopped talking to me and I assume complained/talked to our other brother who also decided that my supporting the niece was a horrible thing so he and his family stopped talking to me as well. So I have no relationship with either of my brothers or their children (except for the niece) at this point, only my parents.

 

[Kellydelly]

I would send a card. I would not do a donation in her name. That doesn't matter to your brother and his wife. A heartfelt message in a card may.

 

[ronandannette]

Yeah the niece's parents are actually a different brother. I have asked myself many times why they've made their choice - wish I knew. The niece's dad/mom stopped talking to me and I assume complained/talked to our other brother who also decided that my supporting the niece was a horrible thing so he and his family stopped talking to me as well. So I have no relationship with either of my brothers or their children (except for the niece) at this point, only my parents.

So sorry for you, but gosh dang your brothers for putting your parents through this. It must be such a heartache for them, and who among us would really know how to handle it well?

There have been a couple of instances over the course of history when my siblings and I (or various combinations thereof) had to pull our heads out, call a truce and just agree "we're NOT doing this to Mom". I truly hope your brothers somehow come to their senses and fall over themselves apologizing to you. If so, maybe your big-hearted gesture of sending the card will have been at least a little bit of a catalyst. I wish you well.

 

[wgeo]

So sorry for you, but gosh dang your brothers for putting your parents through this. It must be such a heartache for them, and who among us would really know how to handle it well?

There have been a couple of instances over the course of history when my siblings and I (or various combinations thereof) had to pull our heads out, call a truce and just agree "we're NOT doing this to Mom". I truly hope your brothers somehow come to their senses and fall over themselves apologizing to you. If so, maybe your big-hearted gesture of sending the card will have been at least a little bit of a catalyst. I wish you well.

Thanks - those are very kind words.

I honestly stay awake at night scared that the next time we talk will be at one of my parents funerals. And I just really really don't want it to be that way. But I can't force someone to actually talk to me. I did send the card, so maybe that'll make a difference somehow.