Not sure what to do

wgeo

DIS Veteran
Joined
May 2, 2011
As some of you know, I've mentioned before that my brothers stopped speaking to me a few years ago. I can go into the reasons here but I'm not sure they pertain. My oldest brother had his wife and kids cut me out of all their social media accounts and I was not invited to high school graduation for his son. They flew across the country to my state for a visit and never made any attempt at contact. I know they were here because my mom, who tries hard to pretend that everything is fine told me.

My mom also just told me that my brother's wife's mom just passed away. The mom has lived with them for years and I knew her, and before they all stopped talking to my I was very friendly with my brother's wife as well. She's really a great person, or at least I would have said that before.

So my dilemma is - do I send a card? Obviously I'm not gonna get "invited" to the funeral, and it is across country anyways. This moment isn't about me, but there's a part of me that hopes someday they may want to talk to me again and so I don't want to screw it up. Does sending a card show that I'm being pushy or cause them to feel bad in anyway? Cuz I don't want to do something that makes them feel worse during this time. I mean if they've chosen to ignore me, then maybe a card from me is meaningless? I'm pretty conflicted because I'd feel like a jerk for not doing something.
 
  • hereyago

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jun 20, 2008
    ITE="wgeo, post: 60956938, member: 368485"]
    As some of you know, I've mentioned before that my brothers stopped speaking to me a few years ago. I can go into the reasons here but I'm not sure they pertain. My oldest brother had his wife and kids cut me out of all their social media accounts and I was not invited to high school graduation for his son. They flew across the country to my state for a visit and never made any attempt at contact. I know they were here because my mom, who tries hard to pretend that everything is fine told me.

    My mom also just told me that my brother's wife's mom just passed away. The mom has lived with them for years and I knew her, and before they all stopped talking to my I was very friendly with my brother's wife as well. She's really a great person, or at least I would have said that before.

    So my dilemma is - do I send a card? Obviously I'm not gonna get "invited" to the funeral, and it is across country anyways. This moment isn't about me, but there's a part of me that hopes someday they may want to talk to me again and so I don't want to screw it up. Does sending a card show that I'm being pushy or cause them to feel bad in anyway? Cuz I don't want to do something that makes them feel worse during this time. I mean if they've chosen to ignore me, then maybe a card from me is meaningless? I'm pretty conflicted because I'd feel like a jerk for not doing something.
    [/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't bother with it.
     

    Pea-n-Me

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 18, 2004
    Since you liked the Mom, maybe you could send a donation in her name if there is a charity listed. The family generally gets a notification of such. You also may or may not decide to send a card to your brother and his family. It certainly wouldn’t hurt, but I wouldn’t expect much would come of it. They sound very angry about something.
     

    wgeo

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 2, 2011
    I'd send a card. If your brothers no longer speak to you anyway and sending a card makes it worse, what difference does it really make?

    Who knows, maybe it will lead to a thaw in the frozen relationship.
    Yeah I mean if it bothered them it wouldn't make things worse on my end, I just don't want them to be bothered by something while they're also dealing with a death in the family.
     
  • wgeo

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 2, 2011
    Since you liked the Mom, maybe you could send a donation in her name if there is a charity listed. The family generally gets a notification of such. You also may or may not decide to send a card to your brother and his family. It certainly wouldn’t hurt, but I wouldn’t expect much would come of it. They sound very angry about something.
    Sending something to charity to honor the mom is a great idea. I'll see if they do an obit and list something.
     
  • wgeo

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 2, 2011
    I just want to know what the hell you did to make everybody stop speaking to you🤔
    I've mentioned it in other threads, doesn't really pertain to the current issue. But the very short version is that I supported my niece when she came out as lesbian and the rest of the family did not. And instead of discussing anything with me they literally just cut me, my husband and my children out of their lives.
     

    goofyintoronto

    We the North! Lets go Raptors!
    Joined
    Mar 29, 2011
    I've mentioned it in other threads, doesn't really pertain to the current issue. But the very short version is that I supported my niece when she came out as lesbian and the rest of the family did not. And instead of discussing anything with me they literally just cut me, my husband and my children out of their lives.
    I remember this story. Sorry you had to go through all of that. Your niece is very lucky to have you! :)

    Regarding your question, I would DEFINITELY send a card. Without a doubt. If you didnt, it would give them more reasons to be mad at you. lol. But really though, send one because you genuinely want to. Dont not send one because youre afraid of their reaction. Makes sense?
     

    TeresaBelle

    <font color=magenta>Still sleeps with a security b
    Joined
    Mar 7, 2005
    I've mentioned it in other threads, doesn't really pertain to the current issue. But the very short version is that I supported my niece when she came out as lesbian and the rest of the family did not. And instead of discussing anything with me they literally just cut me, my husband and my children out of their lives.
    wgeo, that is so sad, and ridiculous on their parts! I know it doesn't pertain to the current issue, but can I ask, do they still speak to the niece? I'm glad she has you, if not.

    Also, I wouldn't send a card. The charity donation is a good idea.
     

    Searc

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 12, 2018
    As some of you know, I've mentioned before that my brothers stopped speaking to me a few years ago. I can go into the reasons here but I'm not sure they pertain. My oldest brother had his wife and kids cut me out of all their social media accounts and I was not invited to high school graduation for his son. They flew across the country to my state for a visit and never made any attempt at contact. I know they were here because my mom, who tries hard to pretend that everything is fine told me.

    My mom also just told me that my brother's wife's mom just passed away. The mom has lived with them for years and I knew her, and before they all stopped talking to my I was very friendly with my brother's wife as well. She's really a great person, or at least I would have said that before.

    So my dilemma is - do I send a card? Obviously I'm not gonna get "invited" to the funeral, and it is across country anyways. This moment isn't about me, but there's a part of me that hopes someday they may want to talk to me again and so I don't want to screw it up. Does sending a card show that I'm being pushy or cause them to feel bad in anyway? Cuz I don't want to do something that makes them feel worse during this time. I mean if they've chosen to ignore me, then maybe a card from me is meaningless? I'm pretty conflicted because I'd feel like a jerk for not doing something.
    I sent a card to my high school boyfriend from 25 years ago when his grandmother passed away (who I hadn't seen in 25 years, but spent a lot of time with in the two years we dated). So yes, I'd send a card. :)
     

    wgeo

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 2, 2011
    wgeo, that is so sad, and ridiculous on their parts! I know it doesn't pertain to the current issue, but can I ask, do they still speak to the niece? I'm glad she has you, if not.

    Also, I wouldn't send a card. The charity donation is a good idea.
    Yes, the charity donation feels right to me for sure.

    As for the niece, the only version of things I know are from her, so of course there may be some bias there. But she has a very strained relationship with her parents, and when the brother in question here (her uncle) was at her brother's grad party the uncle wouldn't acknowledge her and left the room when she came in. Considering how he has treated me, I am willing to belief that her version is accurate. Seems like a very immature thing to do in my opinion.
     

    TipsyTraveler

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 9, 2014
    I wouldn’t bother, they’ve made it clear they don’t want you in their lives. And not that you asked, but I wouldn’t be inclined to seek a relationship/offer condolences to people so toxic they’d disown you for loving and supporting a family member for being herself.

    Yes, the charity donation feels right to me for sure.

    As for the niece, the only version of things I know are from her, so of course there may be some bias there. But she has a very strained relationship with her parents, and when the brother in question here (her uncle) was at her brother's grad party the uncle wouldn't acknowledge her and left the room when she came in. Considering how he has treated me, I am willing to belief that her version is accurate. Seems like a very immature thing to do in my opinion.
    Poop jokes are immature — what you describe is hateful bigotry. I’m glad your niece has you to lean on.
     

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