Not invited to neighbor's party - advice please!

[FredinFL]

I'd have the party and would NOT invite them. Screw being above them, I would rather have them under my feet.

At this point, I wouldn't really care what the outcome was of it. Leave me out, but hurt my kids and you're done. I don't know why they didn't invite you, but I certainly wouldn't then turn around and invite them. It's MY party, I would want to enjoy it without worrying about why they didn't invite me to their party, blahblahblah. Later gator.

 

[tlbwriter]

I agree with the others, take the high road and invite them.

Chances are they won't come anyway out of embarrassment (at least the wife) and you'll have shown them what class and grace looks like.

What has the wife done that she should be embarrassed about?

Have to chime in. While I personally wouldn't have said anything to the neighbor, I kind of applaud OP for calling out people for rude and hurtful behavior.

Declining to invite a particular family to a party is not rude. On the other hand, chewing out the host for not inviting you IS rude. Very.

Personally, while we all know that what she said she did was quite wrong... I honestly agree that openly separating neighbors, and drawing this kind of line, excluding children who play happily together on a daily basis, and basicly flaunting it is just horrid.

The OP may not have been right in the way she handled it.
And I personally abhor any kind of entitlement mentality...
So, I do see these things.

But, IMHO, it was this neighbor here who was acting the middle school mean girl.... No question about it.
"WE'RE all having fun at the popular kid's table, and you and your kids have to say on the other side of this line... Natty Natty Boo Boo...."
Seriously.

Huh? Inviting one set of next door neighbors, and not the other, is middle school behavior? Is flaunting something? Seriously? So must these neighbors invite the OP and her family every time they have a party, or else they're "having fun at the popular kids' table?"

When it is a neighborhood party and she is the only family NOT invited???

I don't know where you got this impression. It was not a neighborhood party, and they were not the only family who wasn't invited. There's a big difference between a neighborhood party and a neighbor's party.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Huh? Inviting one set of next door neighbors, and not the other, is middle school behavior? Is flaunting something? Seriously? So must these neighbors invite the OP and her family every time they have a party, or else they're "having fun at the popular kids' table?"

Yes, when it comes to 'next door neighbors' who see each other often, and who's kids play together on a daily basis... To have this type of party, where the other neighbors (and no, not necessarily EVERY neighbor) and other neighborhood kids are included... Yes, IMHO, this is clearly a very obvious and open exclusion... (middle school rejection)

Sometimes in a situation involving kids and families, one has to be mature and suck it up.... so what if you aren't crazy about this one kid's mother, or Aunt Sue, whomever... Sometimes being an adult is called for. Especially when kids are involved.

Maybe I am seeing this different...
IMHO, if the other nearby kids and neighbors were there....
And, the OP seemed to know most everybody else on a social basis...
It does seem like a bigger, more general, event. Not, a few of the neighbors friends who are not a part of any common circle.
But, really, to have those kids there, but exclude the next door neighbors.

Look, maybe some of you are right...
Maybe this wasn't a rare fit if frustration and anger, and the OP has earned the distain of this neighbor. Sounds possible...
Perhaps probable.
Nobody here is defending the OP's behavior.
Not me....

But, I have to say that I DO understand the OP's feelings.

And, reaming her out, and risking earning points here for personal attack, are really not going to be helpful at all.

PS: Here is a situation that I have had with a neighbor couple..... My son and a kid around the block/corner have been buddies for years... Both of us have lived here since before these boys were born. Well, one neighbor just caddy-corner across the street from me, starts having DS help him with some mowing, etc... This is really DS's 'THING'. DS thought he had formed a nice little relationship with this older man, and his wife,, and had an adult 'friend' of sorts.... Okay, school lets out, and all of the sudden his buddy is a part of the picture... And, 'buddy's' mom, who is a single mom who often is struggling to make it, is up in their driveway involved... (she is one who is prone to run her mouth and involve herself, etc....)

Well, this guy, who likes to portray himself as a good Christian, befriends this family and kind of take them on as his project... Offering to take 'Buddy' to church on Sundays... Inviting them over at Thanksgiving... etc.. etc.. and ETC.... (probably just what the mother was looking for)

That was NO problem for me, whatsoever... Again NO PROBLEM.
But, what happened is that this man began to openly exclude my son....
He would catch the boys while they were together... be giving 'Buddy' gifts, patting him on the back... right there in front of my son, and openly pushing my son out, ignoring, (excluding)....

Sorry, but when there are existing relationships in a close neighborhood.... especially between kids... I don't think it is okay to mess with that. Having ones own individual friends is one thing... but to be open about excluding kids who play and are good friends on a daily basis, is, yes, IMHO, 'off'.

Needless to say, after a while of this... neither of these boys, or parents, really are on friendly terms with this guy.

As a matter of fact, I began to wonder if what his motive was to get 'Buddy' alone... But that is a whole different thread.

 

[tlbwriter]

Maybe I am seeing this different...
IMHO, if the other nearby kids and neighbors were there....
And, the OP seemed to know most everybody else on a social basis...
It does seem like a bigger, more general, event. Not, a few of the neighbors friends who are not a part of any common circle.
But, really, to have those kids there, but exclude the next door neighbors.

I think you ARE seeing it different. It doesn't sound like a neighborhood event at all. It sounds like they invited their friends, some of whom happen to also be neighbors. The OP and the neighbor's wife don't seem to be friendly, so is it really that bad to invite your FRIENDS and not your neighbors who you are occasionally friendly with? The fact that your kids play together doesn't make you best buds.

PS: Here is a situation that I have had with a neighbor..... My son and a kid around the block have been buddies for years... Both of us have lived here since before these boys were born. Well, one neighbor just caddy-corner across the street from us starts having DS help him with some mowing, etc... This is really DS's 'THING'. DS thought he had formed a nice little relationship with this older man, and had an adult 'friend' of sorts.... Okay, school lets out, and all of the sudden his buddy is a part of the picture... And, 'buddy's' mom, who is a single mom who often is struggling to make it, is up in their driveway involved... (she is one who is prone to run her mouth and always say way too much....)

Well, this guy, who likes to portray himself as a good Christian, befriends this family and kind of take them on as his project... Offering to take 'Buddy' to church on Sundays... Inviting them over at Thanksgiving... etc.. etc.. and ETC....

That was NO problem for me, whatsoever...
But, what happened is that this man began to openly exclude my son....
He would catch the boys while they were together... be giving 'Buddy' gifts, patting him on the back... right there in front of my son, and openly pushing my son out, ignoring, (excluding)....

I wonder if you're projecting your feelings from your own personal situation onto this poster's situation.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, when it comes to 'next door neighbors' who see each other often, and who's kids play together on a daily basis... To have this type of party, where the other neighbors (and no, not necessarily EVERY neighbor) and other neighborhood kids are included... Yes, IMHO, this is clearly a very obvious and open exclusion... (middle school rejection)

Being someone's next door neighbor doesn't automatically make you their friend. Your kids playing with their kids everyday doesn't make you friends either. Perhaps these neighbors do have a much closer friendship with the other neighbors that were invited to their party. It sounds like the OP is just a neighbor to them and not an actual friend. Judging by the way she blew up she will probably remain that way.
There will always be neighbors who you are friendly with, and their will always be neighbors you are friends with. There is a difference, maybe the OP just doesn't get that

 

[NHdisneylover]

When I have a party I tend to invite groups of people who I think will enjoy each other's company and get along together. Or else, there may be a theme and then I invite people whom I feel would enjoy that theme (who by default will then have at least that in common and be likely to get along). It has never, ever occurred to me to invite all of m neighbors to a party, or all of my friends.

For children's parties, I generally set a limit of how many kids I can reasonably entertain and let my children make the tough decision of who to include or not. They often end up leaving out friends they really like simply because we cannot include everyone. Sometimes they will decide not to invite the kids they see as often to make it more of a special treat seeing people they do not get to see so regularly.

I agree with the majority of posters that it was not rude for your neighbors to have a party (and a kids' party) and not invite you and it IS very rude to lay into someone for not inviting you. Honestly, if I lived in the neighborhood and found out what you (OP) did I would worry about your temper and not be willing to invite you over or allow my child to play at your house in the future (and may be afraid to have your in mine for fear you would accuse us of something since you seem to read things very differently than most). If you want to avoid that type of reaction I suggest you go over in person and apologize profusely and plead stress+temporary insanity or something and then hope it blows over in a few weeks.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, that is possible.... just a little bit.

But, I do continue to see this as more of a neighborhood event with neighborhood kids involved.

EVERY neighbor doesn't have to actuallybe there in attendance for it to be a neighborhood event
So, to me, that is still how it appears.

Other neighbors were there. like the other next door neighbors.
And I believe other neighborhood kids were there.

Unless the trick or treating thing was kind of arranged by the neighbor woman, with kids coming from other neighborhoods, and the OP's kids just 'joined in'. Not just, the neighborhood kids trick or treated together... ( which would, indeed, reinforce the idea that the OP feels too 'entitled'. )

The OP has not clarified.
And, again, the OP was clearly very wrong in her reaction!

I think that there is really very little that the OP can do now..
As others have now said.
If that was a 'neighborhood' party, with several neighbors in attendance... And this woman has talked about the OP's behavior, and the story has gone thru the grape-vine... I am not sure how many neighbors might show up to the OP's gathering this weekend.

 

[goofy!]

Yes, when it comes to 'next door neighbors' who see each other often, and who's kids play together on a daily basis... To have this type of party, where the other neighbors (and no, not necessarily EVERY neighbor) and other neighborhood kids are included... Yes, IMHO, this is clearly a very obvious and open exclusion... (middle school rejection)

Sometimes in a situation involving kids and families, one has to be mature and suck it up.... so what if you aren't crazy about this one kid's mother, or Aunt Sue, whomever... Sometimes being an adult is called for. Especially when kids are involved.

Maybe I am seeing this different...
IMHO, if the other nearby kids and neighbors were there....
And, the OP seemed to know most everybody else on a social basis...
It does seem like a bigger, more general, event. Not, a few of the neighbors friends who are not a part of any common circle.
But, really, to have those kids there, but exclude the next door neighbors.

Look, maybe some of you are right...
Maybe this wasn't a rare fit if frustration and anger, and the OP has earned the distain of this neighbor. Sounds possible...
Perhaps probable.
Nobody here is defending the OP's behavior.
Not me....

But, I have to say that I DO understand the OP's feelings.

And, reaming her out, and risking earning points here for personal attack, are really not going to be helpful at all.

PS: Here is a situation that I have had with a neighbor couple..... My son and a kid around the block/corner have been buddies for years... Both of us have lived here since before these boys were born. Well, one neighbor just caddy-corner across the street from me, starts having DS help him with some mowing, etc... This is really DS's 'THING'. DS thought he had formed a nice little relationship with this older man, and his wife,, and had an adult 'friend' of sorts.... Okay, school lets out, and all of the sudden his buddy is a part of the picture... And, 'buddy's' mom, who is a single mom who often is struggling to make it, is up in their driveway involved... (she is one who is prone to run her mouth and involve herself, etc....)

Well, this guy, who likes to portray himself as a good Christian, befriends this family and kind of take them on as his project... Offering to take 'Buddy' to church on Sundays... Inviting them over at Thanksgiving... etc.. etc.. and ETC.... (probably just what the mother was looking for)

That was NO problem for me, whatsoever... Again NO PROBLEM.
But, what happened is that this man began to openly exclude my son....
He would catch the boys while they were together... be giving 'Buddy' gifts, patting him on the back... right there in front of my son, and openly pushing my son out, ignoring, (excluding)....

Sorry, but when there are existing relationships in a close neighborhood.... especially between kids... I don't think it is okay to mess with that. Having ones own individual friends is one thing... but to be open about excluding kids who play and are good friends on a daily basis, is, yes, IMHO, 'off'.

Needless to say, after a while of this... neither of these boys, or parents, really are on friendly terms with this guy.

As a matter of fact, I began to wonder if what his motive was to get 'Buddy' alone... But that is a whole different thread.

So, no matter what the situation is, if one or two neighbors are invited, especially if the kids are neighborhood friends, you HAVE to invite the next door neighbor?

I will pose my neighbor's situation again -

• Hosted a large graduation barbecue for her granddaughter who lives in a different town, but goes to high school in our neighborhood.
• We live on one side and we were invited because our daughter knows the granddaughter from cheer.
• A few of the other families whose kids all hang out together were also invited because the girls cheer together.

So, in your scenario, our neighbor was required to invite the other next door neighbor just because they had kids that played with the ones that were invited?
Regardless of the fact that they didn't know the graduating person at all? They should invite them to a graduation party where they had absolutely no connection to the family of the graduating just because a few of the neighbors who did know the graduating family were invited?
Just because their kids played with some of the other kids invited?

And giving a gift to a teen while another is standing right there is WAY different than a neighbor having a party and inviting their friends. No matter how entitled another neighbor may feel about being invited.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You didn't include the most important piece of information....
Or, maybe you did when you said 'no connection'.

As the-other-neighbor... would this be a girl who also sees and socializes (cheers) with this group of girls on a daily basis???? Or just a neighborhood girl who is in different circles.

If this girl is not socially involved in that circle, clearly no reason to issue an invite... There would be no real and valid 'connection'.

If so, but maybe one just doesn't like this girls mom.... to exclude her, while knowing she is there to see her other 'friends', would not be right.

 

[tlbwriter]

But, I do continue to see this as more of a neighborhood event with neighborhood kids involved.

Well, if you insist on seeing something that isn't there, I guess there's not much point in discussing it further.

 

[goofy!]

You didn't include the most important piece of information....
Or, maybe you did when you said 'no connection'.

As the-other-neighbor... would this be a girl who also sees and socializes (cheers) with this group of girls on a daily basis???? Or just a neighborhood girl who is in different circles.

If this girl is not socially involved in that circle, clearly no reason to issue an invite... There would be no real and valid 'connection'.

If so, but maybe one just doesn't like this girls mom.... to exclude her, while knowing she is there to see her other 'friends', would not be right.

No, the other neighbor's child would not know the graduating person.

However, that next door neighbor probably also wouldn't know what the barbecue was all about.

All they would see is that their neighbor was having a large barbecue, that the other side neighbor was invited, as well as several of the other "usual crowd" of neighbors and kids.

They probably would not realize that the group from the "usual crowd" all had a very specific connection which their child did not.

So, should this neighbor have been invited? Because you said any neighborhood party should absolutely include your next door neighbors if they played together.

What I am saying is there is usually a very valid reason why some families from a neighborhood are invited and others are not.

The OP did not even know what the party was about. Just that the other side neighbor was invited and they were not. And that was enough for her to blow up at the husband.

In our circle of friends, numerous kids play all the time. However, we often have 4 or 5 of the closest neighbors over for a barbecue. It never occurred to me that I would have to invite all the neighbors who my kids hung out with. That is crazy. I invite my friends, not the parents of my kids' friends to parties if I am not close to the families.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that there are different definitions of neighborhood party. There is a neighborhood party in which the entire neighborhood is invited and there is a party which includes specific neighbors.

In my neighborhood we are especially close to a few families. Every Thursday our friend's boy mows our lawn and his folks come along. my neighbor up the street heads down with her girls and then at least one of my children stops in with the family. We call it Neighbor Night because it is not kind of a tradition, we all visit and have dinner together. Between all of us it sure does look like a neighbor party but it is not. My friends who happen to live in the neighborhood gather at least once a week during the summer. Sometimes we a whole bunch, sometimes not.

If my next door neighbors or my friend across the street was ultra sensitive any one of them might think we were having a neighborhood party and had excluded them. Not so.

I think that the Op may have misconstrued the gathering.

Wishing on a Star- the experience that your son had is not the same as the one we are discussing IMO. I believe that it was hurtful and that it is coloring how you see this event. No one is obligated to bring everyone together in order to pacify one neighbor. I love my friend across the street. We are the same age, have the same DOB.exactly. We have coffee often as we are both home. I do not invite her to neighbor night. The group that gathers is friendly with her but is not really "friends". The dynamics of our gathering would not be comfortable for her nor would it be comfortable for the rest. An impromtu chat on my front porch? Fine, it happens a lot. But a planned evening? No way. A host gets to determine how best to entertain and is not obligated to include people based on their proximity. A gathering is not always what is seems and if the OP really wanted to know what the issue was she would not have assumed she was snubbed. She would have had an open chat with her neighbor. The fact that she did not or could tells me that they are not friends, they are simply neighbors.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't care if the OP's family was the only family in the whole town not invited. Chewing someone out because they didn't invite you to their party is insane.

 

[focusondisney]

I don't care if the OP's family was the only family in the whole town not invited. Chewing someone out because they didn't invite you to their party is insane.

 

[palavra]

Have to chime in. While I personally wouldn't have said anything to the neighbor, I kind of applaud OP for calling out people for rude and hurtful behavior.

Did they HAVE to invite her family or kids? Certainly not. Should they have? Well if they were halfway caring decent people, I think they should have. Think of how hurt OP's Dd must have felt. She plays with the kid all the time...even right before the party and they can't invite her?

For gods sake, they live right next door and supposedly get along. If they were having strictly family, I could see it. But once you invite other neighbors, I think it is rude to exclude one family...who can probably see the whole party going on.

I have found over the years that it is always the same people that do stuff like this and people just excuse it or justify it.

OP...you may have made the same mistakes I have over the years. The mistake being thinking they were friends. They just showed you they only think of you as a neighbor. From now on, I would probably just smile and wave and not bother putting any more effort into the relationship.

I agree with this. It is very rude not to invite your neighbors to a party if you had been inviting them before and have a friendly relationship with them. Obviously, the neighbors knew that the OP and her family would know about the party. How did they expect the family to feel?

 

[msjprincess]

I agree with this. It is very rude not to invite your neighbors to a party if you had been inviting them before and have a friendly relationship with them. Obviously, the neighbors knew that the OP and her family would know about the party. How did they expect the family to feel?

Feeling upset is fine, but "chewing someone out" about it is not all right under any circumstances.

 

[tlbwriter]

I agree with this. It is very rude not to invite your neighbors to a party if you had been inviting them before and have a friendly relationship with them. Obviously, the neighbors knew that the OP and her family would know about the party. How did they expect the family to feel?

But this isn't some traditional party that the OP has always been invited to. If it were, for example, a holiday open house, or an end-of-the-school-year party that the OP and her family were invited to for several years, and then suddenly they weren't, then I could see why she'd expect an invitation (but it would still be WRONG and RUDE to chew the neighbor out when that invitation did not come). But she has no reason to expect/demand to be invited to every single party her neighbor has.

 

[goofy!]

Hello everyone,
Last week we decided to throw a party on July 2nd. I've been working through a list of friends either calling or emailing including my two sets of neighbors. One set is right next to us: we can each see comings and goings of each other, the husband is very friendly and comes over to chat all the time, and the youngest daughter is at our house a LOT to play with my daughter. So, last night they throw a big party! Our other neighbors are invited...we see them there, and our kids ask why we aren't invited too...So, I'm mad. This is the same family that did not invite my daughter to a birthday party when they played together every day. I bit my tongue and life went on. Well, I am fed up now. I marched over to the husband this morning and chewed him out. He said it wasn't his fault, it was his wife's idea. I told him to snub the kids is inexcusable. I walked away and am still mad. So, now we have this party on Saturday and I don't know what to do. I want to ask the other neighbors, but now it looks like I am having this party out of spite, when we actually planned it last week I've gotten different advice, such as invite them to show you are above them etc. HELP!
Me dh ds 11 ds 9 dd 7

I am also beginning to wonder whose birthday party it was that the OP's kids were not invited to.

The neighbors seem to have older children along with the youngest that comes and plays with the OP's youngest.

If it was one of the neighbor's older children's birthday party, there would be no reason to invite the neighbor kids.

I still think if you call every neighbor and issue a verbal invite to your party and then just e-mail a single neighbor as the OP did, that smacks WAY more of exclusion than what the neighbor did at their party.

And a PP is right. If the OP did not know the circumstances of the party, then they are not friends, just friendly neighbors.

 

[kaytieeldr]

When I have a party I tend to invite groups of people who I think will enjoy each other's company and get along together. Or else, there may be a theme and then I invite people whom I feel would enjoy that theme (who by default will then have at least that in common and be likely to get along).

Neighbors with whom I'm friendly have an annual Halloween party to which I'm always invited. Works great, because if I can't decide between/among costumes, I can go home periodically to change But they have other parties throughout the year to which I'm not invited, and that doesn't change our relationship.

My brother has parties, or 'people over'. I'm only invited once in a while, and the rest of our siblings even more rarely (for practical reasons for them). I don't entertain at home but will take people out to eat - probably not all at once . Groups of coworkers go out after work and don't (usually) invite the whole office. But none of that changes the interpersonal relationships.

 

[mjkacmom]

Okay, I just re-read the OP. Only one neighbor family was invited. The OP said that she is friendly with the husband, but mentioned nothing about being friends with his wife (and friendly in the sense of talking on the porch). I'm "porch" friendly with almost all of my neighbors, but only "really good invite to bbq's" with one family (we call and text each other all of the time, go out for dinner, run in the same circle). Now, I'm very friendly with my next door neighbor, and we have kids the same age who have grown up together (don't socialize, though). We call each other with questions, borrow sugar, chat in the yard, etc.

I've had bbq's, and although my friend across the street is always invited, I don't invite my next door neighbor, because we don't have that kind of relationship (and she doesn't invite us to her bbq's). I like the family very much, and I believe she likes our family very much. However, we are neighbors, friendly, but have different social circles.

Now, if my friend across the street had a bbq, and invited all of our mutual friends, and not us, yes, I'd be upset, and ask her about it, letting her know I was hurt, and ask why she chose to exclude us this one time.