Not doing her best?

[Pin Wizard]

Ok my DD is great but not doing what is expected of her this year!! We have the Fcat in FLA and she got 49 out of 49 in math right so we are NOT dealing with a child that is not smart!! We give her everything but my parents think we are Horrible if we deny her anything!! Well she got all B's last report card and she got her phone and Wii taken away. Now for her progress report she got 2 c's!! So her Phone , laptop and going to "nanas" is gone!! But should we take her b-day party away also?? This will cost about $500 but I love to do it for her... DH says no party!! What do you think?

DS brought home six "B"s and one "A" on his report card. I told him the grades are good, but "B"s don't get scholarships! I told him that if he doesn't get any scholarships at all, he can look forward to student loans and then paying back $80,000 plus when he graduates from college. Let's hope it sinks in a bit. But I would never punish for "B"s.

I have to disagree with your parents about thinking it's wrong to not get a kid everything they want. That's an important lesson in life, and one my son learned in a major way at 13. When we had this issue, I told him that if I got him everything he wanted, I wouldn't be doing my job as a parent!!!! There will be plenty he wants in life that he just can't have. Gee...if I had everything I want, I'd have a huge house at the beach in VA, a huge house at the beach in FL. And I'd be driving a dream car. They have to learn that they can't have everything they want.

The party? The only way I'd go without it is if a report card of "F"s came home.

 

[Pin Wizard]

IMHO, I think your over reacting. Sounds like to me your expecting A's from her and anything below that is unacceptable. Taking away all her stuff for B's and C's? I can understand if she is failing, but B's and C's arent failing grades. IMHO, your being a little to harsh on her taking away her stuff for good grades. When I was in school, I brought home A's, B's and C's. Every time I got an A on my report card, I got money for each A. As for B's and C's I didnt get rewarded, but also didnt get punished either. You need to talk to your DD. Both your and your DH. Talk with her and find out where she might need a little help. Just think...would you rather have her bring home B's and C's or D's or worse? She might be smart, but shes not perfect nor a rocket scientist. Lighten up on her. Dont take away her family time and especially dont take away her b-day party. That just plain cruel and mean to her. Oh and also keep in mind, the harder your on your DD, the more they are gonna wanna do their own thing. Such as drugs, hanging out with the bad crowd at school, bring home worse grades, and even become distant towards her parents. B's take it as it is, C's find out where she might need help. The moment she brings home D's or worse, THEN that is the time to start taking away stuff until whatever the problem is has been fixed.

I have to agree with a good part of this. My DS is rewarded for all "A"s and all "B"s. If he misses a "B" then he knows he needs to work harder if he wants something for an additional grade. It has always worked for him. And now in his sophomore year of high school, he's been on the Honor Roll every quarter since last year. (Keeping fingers crossed it continues!) And this year he has discovered lacrosse! Wooo hoooo!!! I made sure to talk to him about maintaining a particular grade in order to participate. If they don't keep the grades up, they're off the team.

He does have his struggles, too. Poor kid...English is definitely the weak subject. It's a struggle for him with writing especially, but I'm thrilled with his "B". I feel for the kid...he has the same teacher he had last year. He wasn't thrilled with her then, so I cringed when I saw he has her again. LOL! And last year Algebra came easily to him. This year he has to work harder at Geometry. But we keep encouraging him!!

 

[imabrat]

Wow. Bs and she gets punished? Wow.
Cs on her progress report and she gets punished?

OP, have you checked with your child to see if she's having trouble with a topic? The way you phrased it, it seems like "Oh, you have a B! I'm not going to ask questions, you're grounded!". Maybe she's good in math but not in other subjects. I'm great in reading, but stink at math.

I think you overreacted.

 

[Disney8704]

Actually you didnt really had to assure him about keeping his grades up to stay on the lacrosse team. Schools especially HS, you have to keep a certain grade point average. If it goes below I think a 3.0 or maybe its 2.5, sorry cant remember what it was when I was in HS, anyways, the school automatically kicked you off the team.

I have to agree with a good part of this. My DS is rewarded for all "A"s and all "B"s. If he misses a "B" then he knows he needs to work harder if he wants something for an additional grade. It has always worked for him. And now in his sophomore year of high school, he's been on the Honor Roll every quarter since last year. (Keeping fingers crossed it continues!) And this year he has discovered lacrosse! Wooo hoooo!!! I made sure to talk to him about maintaining a particular grade in order to participate. If they don't keep the grades up, they're off the team.

He does have his struggles, too. Poor kid...English is definitely the weak subject. It's a struggle for him with writing especially, but I'm thrilled with his "B". I feel for the kid...he has the same teacher he had last year. He wasn't thrilled with her then, so I cringed when I saw he has her again. LOL! And last year Algebra came easily to him. This year he has to work harder at Geometry. But we keep encouraging him!!

 

[Liberty Belle]

Wow. Perhaps she could be feeling stressed out and depressed?

No, I'd not take her birthday party away. I wouldn't take that away except for severe misbehavior.

I'm kind of sad for your daughter.

 

[C.Ann]

So her Phone , laptop and going to "nanas" is gone!! But should we take her b-day party away also?? This will cost about $500 but I love to do it for her... DH says no party!! What do you think?

--------------------------

Just had to go back to this thread and point out the irony of what you are saying.. "Nanas" is gone - BUT - you don't want to take her birthday party away because you love to do it for her..

That is so wrong on so many levels.. I can't even believe you would post those two things at the same time.. You are more than willing to take away everything and anything else that means anything to her - including contact with other family members - but you want to go ahead with the party because it's something you want..

My heart is absolutely breaking for your poor little girl..

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I can definitely feel for OP. My DD has always been a great student. Lately she's been slipping. She has failed a handful of tests this year and I know, in the beginning of the year, she was having a very hard time adjusting to a new school this year. However, she is becoming somewhat comfortable with those failing grades and does see what the big deal is. I told her numerous times that if she failed again there would be consequences. THE NEXT DAY she came home with a failing grade. Her punishment -- one less hour of TV a day, which doesn't start until I come home from work (so she can't tell me she already did it), during which she will study or read. She will also spend one hour each day on Saturday and Sunday cleaning the house. I'm very lenient on my daughter -- you don't have to do much around the house except keep your room clean and put your clean clothes away, and I have basically told her she gets a free ride, as long as she does what's expected of her -- get and maintain good grades. No reason she can't. She starts slacking and I'll make sure she has one extra hour a day to study and she'll have to start to pull her own weight around the house.

As far as nana goes, I completely understand. My MIL and FIL undermine me, not only with my daughter but with my DH. Of course, he's an adult and that's his problem, but when it comes to DD, I'm her mother and I make the rules. What makes it harder is that I live in the same house (separate apartment). I'm forever grateful for everything they've done for us, but I think everyone needs to know their place sometimes. As her parent, if they can't abide by your wishes, then they need to spend less time together.

 

[froggy5657]

I would say give her a choice, teens always like getting choices. Of course neither of the choices have to be super for her she will have to give up something for either one (party, but no presents OR no party, but you get her presents)

 

[C.Ann]

As far as nana goes, I completely understand. My MIL and FIL undermine me, not only with my daughter but with my DH. Of course, he's an adult and that's his problem, but when it comes to DD, I'm her mother and I make the rules. What makes it harder is that I live in the same house (separate apartment). I'm forever grateful for everything they've done for us, but I think everyone needs to know their place sometimes. As her parent, if they can't abide by your wishes, then they need to spend less time together.

----------------------
She is also banning her from playing with her cousins as part of the punishment for these "horrible" grades.. There is a huge "disconnect" there.. Time spent with her grandparents and time with her cousins have absolutely nothing to do with the school issues.. If the problem is the grades, the punishment should reflect that - not isolating her from family..

But it's perfectly okay for mom to spend $500 on a birthday party for her because she loves doing it?????

Sorry - but this child is going to be so confused she's going to wonder if the next thing in line is bread and water until her grades come up..

I've raised 3 kids - helped raise 5 stepkids - and now live with my DGD - and the one thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that the only effective punishment is one that is somehow connected to the situation that warrants punishment..

 

[manning]

----------------------
She is also banning her from playing with her cousins as part of the punishment for these "horrible" grades.. There is a huge "disconnect" there.. Time spent with her grandparents and time with her cousins have absolutely nothing to do with the school issues.. If the problem is the grades, the punishment should reflect that - not isolating her from family..

But it's perfectly okay for mom to spend $500 on a birthday party for her because she loves doing it?????

Sorry - but this child is going to be so confused she's going to wonder if the next thing in line is bread and water until her grades come up..

I've raised 3 kids - helped raise 5 stepkids - and now live with my DGD - and the one thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that the only effective punishment is one that is somehow connected to the situation that warrants punishment..

You may be on to something. Are you saying it is all about mom?

 

[C.Ann]

You may be on to something. Are you saying it is all about mom?

--------------------------

Well - yes, I guess I am.. Go back and read her posts and see what you think.. She is so irate she is ripping everything out of this childs life - including isolating her from other family members - but she wants to give her a $500 birthday party because "she" loves doing it?? Something doesn't add up here and I've got to say that this thread has really gotten to me.. It's not about "grades" - it's all about "control"..

 

[princessmom29]

I can't imagine punishing my child for anything less than a sub par grade. Encouraging the joy of learning should be priority. Not scaring the crap out of a kid. My A's were born of stress. I suspect I would have soared had I actually been applauded and cheered on. In our lives our viewpoint has played out with everyone achieving to their highest, including the foster children we've dealt with.

Your negative view on parents and children is a sad state as a teacher. Perhaps you don't know everything that goes on in those homes. Where do you get that 99% statistic, or is just pulled out of your...head? Just sayin'

So, would your birthday party been canceled if you pulled a low grade? Not even psychodad would have done that.

Have to completely disagree with you on this one. The students I've taught whose parents punished for bad grades were the unhappiest, most stressed out kids I've ever seen. You can encourage achievement without punishment.

Actually I was once pulled from a school feild trip to DC for a B in math. I would equate that with losing a birthday party. I was in 4th grade and it was a real wakeup call for me to the fact that I was going to have to start making a effort. That was the issue and what i was being punished for, not the grade itself. I knew and my parents knew that I had not made the effort to get a better grade.

I think my earlier statement was not clear enough. What I was saying is that most of the honors students I encounter who have C's and D's and are not reprimanded for that at home are lazy. My 99% is out of kids who are capable of doing the work but still generate subpar grades. There is not one student in my advanced chemistry class right now with less than a B who has turned in all of their assignments. Typically the kids who are capable of doing well and have bad grades do not do their classwork and homework. That is what I define as making an effort. These kids are tuning in nothing not even an attempt. They are not saying I don't get this I need help. This is what proactive parenting and accountability for grades prevent. Even as a high school senior my parents asked me if I had homework. I have kids who never take home a single book. I see them walking to the bus empty handed when I know that they have homework in at least my class and the do not have a study hall. The kids with zeros for homework and zeros for classwork are the ones that do not do well the vast majority of the time. When that continues to go on even after I have spoken with a parent more than once I can only assume that the parent is not following through. The students I seen that are able to turn around a bad grade are the ones whose parents are brave enough to step up and take away the xbox, the phone, the computer ect and hold the child responsible for his/her schoolwork. No one is going to encourage these kids to do their jobs once they get out into the real world. They are going to fire them if they don't. There are consequences for our actions as well as or lack of action or responsibility. Kids have to learn that at some point.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm sorry, but just like so many posters have said they believe OP is going too far, so are some of the responses, i.e., bread and water as punishment, committing suicide? Seriously? Please. This is ridiculous. If someone's kid commits suicide, more than likely there's a LOT more going on at home or in their lives besides grades like home life, boyfriends, friends taunting, rape, drug abuse, family history of depression, anxiety disorders, etc. I too threatened my DD that if she fails between now and her party next week there won't be a party. Nobody said you have to guarantee your kids a birthday party. OP is holding her more than capable child accountable for her actions but that's unreasonable? Maybe if OP's daughter realizes mom's not playing she'll get her grades back under control.

 

[chisnpeke]

I'm sorry, but just like so many posters have said they believe OP is going too far, so are some of the responses, i.e., bread and water as punishment, committing suicide? Seriously? Please. This is ridiculous. If someone's kid commits suicide, more than likely there's a LOT more going on at home or in their lives besides grades like home life, boyfriends, friends taunting, rape, drug abuse, family history of depression, anxiety disorders, etc. I too threatened my DD that if she fails between now and her party next week there won't be a party. Nobody said you have to guarantee your kids a birthday party. OP is holding her more than capable child accountable for her actions but that's unreasonable? Maybe if OP's daughter realizes mom's not playing she'll get her grades back under control.

I could believe a kid would commit suicide over pressures about grades. My friend had a cutting problem because of pressure from grades, very depressed in high school because of it and how pressured she felt from parents.

 

[HunnyPots]

I'm sorry, but just like so many posters have said they believe OP is going too far, so are some of the responses, i.e., bread and water as punishment, committing suicide? Seriously? Please. This is ridiculous. If someone's kid commits suicide, more than likely there's a LOT more going on at home or in their lives besides grades like home life, boyfriends, friends taunting, rape, drug abuse, family history of depression, anxiety disorders, etc. I too threatened my DD that if she fails between now and her party next week there won't be a party. Nobody said you have to guarantee your kids a birthday party. OP is holding her more than capable child accountable for her actions but that's unreasonable? Maybe if OP's daughter realizes mom's not playing she'll get her grades back under control.

The expectation of perfection can be more than enough to push a child to the breaking point. We're not talking about a parent who is frustrated with a child for failing grades. We're talking about a parent that see's straight B's as failure - BIG difference!

This mom needs perspective!

 

[Jaycey'smom]

First I should say it was a mistake to even post this. Yes my DD is 10 and in 5th grade. I have spoke to her teachers and with her about her grades. Her teachers have told me she wants to talk with her friends so rushes with her tests. (She will make a 100 on a quiz and then a 60 on a test) That is how I am sure she is capable. DD tells me she wants to talk to her friends as well. I give her extra work at home for school and all she has to do for chores is clean her room and put her clothes away. As for her going to Nana's, she was going on Friday and staying until Sun some weekends so she can not do that now. However she still see' her grandparents a few times a week, as well as her cousions. She just does not get to spend the whole weekend with them. Thanks for all the responses! I will try to not be such a horrible mom and expect the best!

P.S. I do love to give her a great B-Day and she gets to pick what she does every year. This year she wants a Luau and after I purchase the decor, cake, invites, thank you's, favors, food and drinks for 15-20 kids plus adults it will be alot!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I could believe a kid would commit suicide over pressures about grades. My friend had a cutting problem because of pressure from grades, very depressed in high school because of it and how pressured she felt from parents.

I can believe a child would commit suicide over grades because I look at it this way....if a kid is being treated this way over grade, look at how he/she may be being treated over everything else in their life by that same parent. Your room is never clean enough, your hair is never groomed enough, your clothes are never picked up enough.....your grammer isn't good enough, you're not as creative as your sibling, why can't you be more like your older sibling, on and on. Being harassed about grades is minor compared to the rest........ it NEVER ENDS! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT!

oh, don't get me started. I know how some control freak parents can be. BELIEVE ME - I KNOW.

 

[C.Ann]

Ok my DD is great but not doing what is expected of her this year!! We have the Fcat in FLA and she got 49 out of 49 in math right so we are NOT dealing with a child that is not smart!! We give her everything but my parents think we are Horrible if we deny her anything!! Well she got all B's last report card and she got her phone and Wii taken away. Now for her progress report she got 2 c's!! So her Phone , laptop and going to "nanas" is gone!! But should we take her b-day party away also?? This will cost about $500 but I love to do it for her... DH says no party!! What do you think?

She see's my mom and dad a few times each week (during the week) but on the weekends she gets too play with all her cousions at Nana's so it is like a reward. Yes I have talked with her teacher and she seems to think DD is doing ok. But as parents knowing she can do better ok is just ok not her best! Am i being to hard on her? I might add nana and Papa give her what ever she wants no matter what!!

Read the above posts over again and see what the punishments "mom" has put in place so far amount to.. What is there left to take away? It isn't going to be the $500 birthday party because "mom" "loves doing that for her".. She has all ready stated (in a round-about way) that she is NOT in agreement with her DH about calling off the party, so I'm not sure where you are getting the idea that the party won't be taking place..

Then tell me how visiting her grandparents and being allowed to play with her cousins is in any way related to improving her grades - or more importantly, are the cause of what the mom perceives as totally unacceptable grades.. Again, it's a total "disconnect" in regards to the grades issue..

I'm sorry, but just like so many posters have said they believe OP is going too far, so are some of the responses, i.e., bread and water as punishment, .

I will take full responsibility for the "bread and water" comment and I will also stand by it because the OP has gone so far over the top with this entire issue..

If doing all of the above as forms of punishment - and then turning around and giving her a $500 birthday party (because "mom loves doing it for her") isn't going to have this poor 10 year old child not knowing if she's coming or going, I don't know what the heck is!

This is not about grades.. It's what is commonly called trying to "break a childs will".. A very dangerous thing to do..

 

[C.Ann]

First I should say it was a mistake to even post this. Yes my DD is 10 and in 5th grade. I have spoke to her teachers and with her about her grades. Her teachers have told me she wants to talk with her friends so rushes with her tests. (She will make a 100 on a quiz and then a 60 on a test) That is how I am sure she is capable. DD tells me she wants to talk to her friends as well. I give her extra work at home for school and all she has to do for chores is clean her room and put her clothes away. As for her going to Nana's, she was going on Friday and staying until Sun some weekends so she can not do that now. However she still see' her grandparents a few times a week, as well as her cousions. She just does not get to spend the whole weekend with them. Thanks for all the responses! I will try to not be such a horrible mom and expect the best!

P.S. I do love to give her a great B-Day and she gets to pick what she does every year. This year she wants a Luau and after I purchase the decor, cake, invites, thank you's, favors, food and drinks for 15-20 kids plus adults it will be alot!

----------------------------

Hmm.. Originally you said that she saw her grandparents several times during the week and then on the weekends got to play with her cousins - and going to nanas was 'gone".. Now it's that she's allowed to see them during the week, but just not stay on the "weekends".. Which is/was it?

According to your own conversations it appears that the problems with her grades have nothing to do with spending time with other family members, so why did you chose to use them as a form of punishment?

Your story has now changed - and left me totally confused..

 

[Jaycey'smom]

She see's my mom and dad a few times each week (during the week) but on the weekends she gets too play with all her cousions at Nana's so it is like a reward. Yes I have talked with her teacher and she seems to think DD is doing ok. But as parents knowing she can do better ok is just ok not her best! Am i being to hard on her? I might add nana and Papa give her what ever she wants no matter what!!

I guess you did not understand me. She gets to see her cousons during the week not get to stay all weekend and play!