Not doing her best?

[disneymom2one]

I think you have to balance it out. I came from a family that pushed me incessantly. I was really bright (today I'm a college math professor married to another college math prof) but the constant pushing was too much. I didn't do as well as I could have until I developed some self motivation. I also really, really struggled with self esteem issues because I thought much of my self worth was tied to how I did in the classroom.

Fast forward 30 years or so and I now have a really bright 13 year old. She is both special needs and highly gifted (we have high FCAT scores here too).

We give her all the tools she needs to succeed - a quiet and structured homework time, our attention and support during that time, supplies, materials, etc. We also are in almost weekly email communication with one teacher or another. Our house is full of books. We support her interests. We find mentors. Since she's a seventh grader, we also emphasize independence. Can she figure out how to get from point A to point B in a project?

We also have high expectations. But the expectations have nothing to do with grades. They have everything to do with giving 100% effort, with following through on commitments. We also don't place a lot of emphasis on external rewards like grades. We focus more on who she is as a person. Way, way more important. Yes, grades matter. But they are one measure. One - and sometimes a kind of flawed one at that.

 

[DonnaBelle06]

I must say I agree with everyone's posts...You are WAY TOO HARD on your daughter.

Punishing for B's??? Were you punished for B's when you were a child -- is this why you are doing this to your daughter?

Why pressure your daughter so hard? How can you expect her to do better on her own if you are only going to punish her when she doesn't get what YOU thought she should get???

I am sorry..but I think you are way off here. My son is an ADHD child...and I already know the challenges he faces at school...and I am PROUD of him with his grades...and praise him for his accomplishments.

What do you do for her when she DOES meet your expectations?

 

[dreamer17555]

She's 10 right? I will try not to comment about a 10 year old having a phone and a laptop- its just honestly something I don't get.

If I get this right you are punishing because she is "skating"? Not putting in effort? Because I get that- if my child isn't trying then I would get a little upset but you cannot expect her to be 100% all the time. You also need to take a hard look to see if she is trying- she really might be.

Besides homework, there are a lot of friend issues at that age, could that be it? She still needs help at age 10. Go over her school work, maybe take her to the library or even help her on the computer learn more on the subjects she is struggling- getting her interested is very important, you want her to want to learn.

The whole Nana thing I kinda get. I have a mother who spoils my DD to the point that she comes home acting bratty. We cut back on overnights and such because of it. Though Grandma is always invited to our house (Our rules ) and to hang out with us.

Just a reminder you cannot be too strict or she will rebel .

-Becca-

 

[The Disney Bunch]

I think you are over reacting - some parents would love to have all B's. She didn't do something wrong, she just did not fufill her potential. Talk to her teacher, see where she can improve but don't take away items from her and don't take away trips to her grandparents (unless they are the cause of the grades) Do you really want her looking back in life and thinking that all her parents cared about were grades? perfect grades are not the be-all end-all. Some great people were medicocre students. And some people who are very bright do not do as well in class. Talk to her, oversee her homework, see where you can help.

 

[Kae]

Ok here my thoughts. I have DS11 he got 2A's,2B's & 2C's. As the OP it is that he did not apply himself that got him the C's, does just enough to get by, etc. He is in 5th grade so this does not make me happy & I am trying to break this habit right now. We have been working harder with him at home. his "punishment" is that he can not miss school this weds to hunting with the cousins & family, he knows why. He is after all just a kid. and should enjoy that too.

Kae

 

[John Smith1]

Punishing for Bs? Man, I all of a sudden feel like the Dad of the Year!

Hey, try ENCOURAGEMENT. It works.

 

[tinker&belle]

Is she taking really demanding classes, like AP or chemistry, biology, advanced math? Sometimes, even for smart kids, these classes take a lot of work to get a B.

Is she young for her grade? I took Algebra a year early and got the only failing grade I ever received. I couldn't follow it. I don't think I was developmentally ready for it, even though I would work on Algebra literally four hours every evening. I took it again, the year everybody took it, in high school and got an A+ every semester.

Is there a boy or a new group of friends that's intense? I always (besides eighth grade algebra) got almost all A's and an occasional B, but when I met my DH and fell in love durning my senior year of college I got almost straight B's. Let's just say my mind was on other things and I was lucky to get what I got.

Maybe she has too much on her plate. I would talk to her and try to find out if one of her classes is too hard. Believe me, that is hard for a type A person to admit, especially to her parents if she is used to performing well. Let her know it is okay, but you are wondering what is going on and how you can help.

 

[rentayenta]

Hmm, punishment for Bs? I wouldn't. I understand your frustration if she's not applying herself but I would try to get at the root of why she's not trying her best if indeed that's what's going on. Children need to be well rounded and grades aren't everything.

 

[snowbunny]

She's 10 right? I will try not to comment about a 10 year old having a phone and a laptop- its just honestly something I don't get.

I am not seeing where the OP says her DD is 10. And to those (not you) who jump all over a mom who is trying to figure out how to help her child do better - that's why she asked the question - good on you all for being perfect parents (cough)

 

[cmhand30]

OP sounds like my two DS's. But when grades hit "C & D" electronics went out the door. With DS18 nothing worked, too many oppositional issues.
With DS15 it worked and we found out in the middle of his freshman year of HS that ADD was a problem.
DS15 went from failing 3 classes in 9th grade. Too straight A's this year. Talking and going to doc's helped him.


Hopefully, OP finds something that helps her daughter.

 

[dreamer17555]

I am not seeing where the OP says her DD is 10. And to those (not you) who jump all over a mom who is trying to figure out how to help her child do better - that's why she asked the question - good on you all for being perfect parents (cough)

She did not say she is 10 but she has only posted about her 10 DD in the past so I assumed she was 10... I don't think anyone is claiming to be a perfect parent. I myself offered some ideas but I too think that this is a bit extreme.

OP- What age is your DD?

-Becca-

 

[lucigo]

Ok my DD is great but not doing what is expected of her this year!! We have the Fcat in FLA and she got 49 out of 49 in math right so we are NOT dealing with a child that is not smart!! We give her everything but my parents think we are Horrible if we deny her anything!! Well she got all B's last report card and she got her phone and Wii taken away. Now for her progress report she got 2 c's!! So her Phone , laptop and going to "nanas" is gone!! But should we take her b-day party away also?? This will cost about $500 but I love to do it for her... DH says no party!! What do you think?

I haven't read any replies yet but I wanted to just say, being a math whiz doesn't necessarily make a child an A student. I have a son whose first 10 words were the numbers 1-10 and you can imagine where it has gone from there, he does great at math but he is in an ESE class because he has autism and can't answer complex questions.

I also have a "normotypical" 13yo. When she was younger (in FL) the teachers knew something was wrong but didn't know what. THey tested her looking for a learning disability and were shocked when she had a 136 IQ. She needed planning help.

What I'm saying here is that you need to explore all avenues as to the root problem for your daughter and don't assume its laziness. She is at an age where social/communication/organization skills begin to be expected of her. Sometimes having a "perfect math score" can actually be a red flag.

I don't know your child, I'm just giving you something to think about. Now I will read and see what everyone else said. LOL

 

[crisi]

Well. I don't think expecting good grades is pushing a child toward suicide. Geez

Depends on why the grades are plummetting. There are a lot of reasons kids don't perform their best. Sometimes, its just lazyiness - and when its lack of motivation, punishment can provide motivation (although I'd turn it around and phrase it as rewards - we reward kids who have good report cards with Wiis). Sometimes its falling in with a bad crowd. Sometimes its the realization that "smart kids aren't popular" - it might take a different tactic to fix those.

Sometimes its involvement in drugs.

Sometimes its depression.

If grades are falling due to depression, then expecting good grades and punishing poor ones could be pushing towards suicide. It wouldn't be the cause - that would be the depression - but it might be one of those "my parents don't love me unless I'm perfect" things that happens in a brain messed up by depression.

 

[snowbunny]

Depends on why the grades are plummetting. There are a lot of reasons kids don't perform their best.

As the parent of a high school student, I know. And if you read the rest of my post, I advocated against punishment and for a collaborative approach.

In our house we do not pay for As nor punish for Cs and below. The A is the reward for the student's hard work. The C or below indicates a need for help - better time management, more sleep, or something else that we determine with the child.

 

[semo233]

School Counselor here...

You never mentioned how old your child was. This is a MAJOR factor. Kids don't always have ownership of their grades...it develops at some point. And the point at which it developes differs between kids.

A previous poster mentioned the teacher and this being the first report card with this teacher: This is also a factor to consider. School starts getting real hard around the 4th grade and expectations are sometimes higher than kids are ready for. It pushes some kids to work real hard and some just can't quite keep up.

What other outside activities does your daughter participate in? Does she have enough time to do everything? Is she getting enough sleep? Are hormones contributing to her stresses? Is organization a problem? Time management?

Make sure you set up some rewards for earning A's. She needs to see that putting in the extra effort is worth it! And I don't mean earning back the things she has lost....those should probably be earned back by doing her homework everyday on time for the next two weeks, for example, if that has been a problem. Offer to help her in anyway. She may need a lot of handholding to get back on track. Depending upon her age, she may not want the handholding, but it if it is necessary to check her assignment book every day and then check her homework everyday, you need to do it in a supportive way. Congratulate her when she is able to do it herself. Get weekly updates from her teacher. You may need to take the initiative and e-mail the teacher every Thursday to get the update on a Friday, but it will help you keep tabs on if she is improving or not.

Make your expectations and the rewards for reaching them clear: All A's = more minutes on her cell phone or a trip to the mall
Set minimum expectations where there will be no punishment and no reward = All A's and B's for example
Below those minimum expectations, set losses or punishments = One C will equal a loss of cell phone for three weeks until x is achieved.

Good Luck!

 

[mskayjay]

I really wish the OP would come back on here and answer some of the questions that have been posted so we all could have a better idea of what is the child's age, etc.

That being said, we parented in a way that brought responsibility for things back to our children. Like Donald, it was a question of "do you honestly think this was the best you could do and why". We would also ask if they needed extra help in a subject (a tutor) or if they needed more help from us. We would also reinforce with our children by saying that they needed to understand that their grades stayed with them forever and they were giving people *permission* to say that they were a C or D or B or A student!!!! It was not a matter of "the teacher only gave me a C" but rather "I only worked hard enough to earn a C". It is about self-responsibility and personal ownership.

Incidentally, we did the same thing with other issues and let the kids know up front, you have a choice.....do this and "A" is the result or choose to not do what we ask and "B" is the result. DD will still talk of how much he *hates me* for taking summer camp away from her when she was 15 but she was being mouthy, totally uncompliant with many things at home, etc etc. She was warned over a period of 2-3 months to knock it off and shape up or no camp. She was floored when the brochure came, she picked her camp, flipped the brochure at me and said "this is what I want to do" and I calmly told her that by her actions (not mine, HERS) she had decided that she wasnt' going to camp this year. It was awful to do to her but she needed it. She was worse for a while, ranted and carried on, but even now talks about how I did that to her and she'll be 21 on Tuesday. You have to gauge punishment, discipline, reinforcing to the age of the child.

And for what it is worth, I think the grandparents need a talking to about allowing and givng her everything and anything. They've had their turn at parenting and need to have guidelines specifically because they spend so much time with her. And absolutely positively you need to have a heart to heart with this child and see what is going on. Please keep in mind that for many many children, earning exceptional grades at one level doesn't always carry through to higher levels. DS was brilliant in primary, excellent in elementary and then in HS and college settled into B/C range very comfortably. You need to find balance for yourself and your child here.

 

[carj]

I get that you are upset that she is not fulfilling her potential. I would look at her grades and see what the problem is. We have online access to our children's grades here. I can see individual assignments and see if something is missing.

If she were making zeros, not turning things in, that might merit punishment of some sort.

If she is just slacking off, making careless errors, then I would approach if differently. I might make her correct her assignments at home to make sure that she really knows the material. Sometimes, if a child is going to have to correct the work anyway, they will just do it right the first time. This to me is making the "punishment" fit the "crime".

For me, I would take away the phone if she were abusing the phone. Does that make sense? It is kind of like your punishments don't really fit what you are trying to accomplish.

We also have a grandmother nearby who is wonderful and loving and gives my children the world! I wouldn't deprive them of seeing her. We still do homework though, before we play, regardless of who we play with!

I would NOT take away her birthday party.

Another thought, sometimes the progress reports give kids the nudge they need to boost their grade. (That is one reason that we give them out!)

Don't feel bad for wanting your daughter to live up to her potential, but try to relax somewhat and think through exactly what you want to accomplish in the short term, good grade, with what you want to accomplish in the long term, lifelong learning and prepared for life.

 

[squirrlygirl]

I really wish the OP would come back on here and answer some of the questions that have been posted so we all could have a better idea of what is the child's age, etc.

If I were OP I would've been scared away by the responses. Some are quite judgemental BEFORE getting the background. Obviously this person wants to help the child or they wouldn't have been looking for help.

 

[crisi]

As the parent of a high school student, I know. And if you read the rest of my post, I advocated against punishment and for a collaborative approach.

In our house we do not pay for As nor punish for Cs and below. The A is the reward for the student's hard work. The C or below indicates a need for help - better time management, more sleep, or something else that we determine with the child.

The suicide thing struck me because I was a suicidal teenager. And yes, other people's expectations played a HUGE part in that.

 

[mskayjay]

If I were OP I would've been scared away by the responses. Some are quite judgemental BEFORE getting the background. Obviously this person wants to help the child or they wouldn't have been looking for help.

This is an open forum. You need to expect and accept that not everyone is going to agree with what you're doing and you're going to get responses that are quite varied. She asked for "opinions" and that is what she got. She didn't ask people to "tell me I'm 100% right". You can choose to take comments in places like this as a slam or view it as an opportunity to see how others deal with the same situation and grow from it.

The OP did not give enough information about her DD and honestly, if you read the responses, you will see a consistency in the answers. That may in fact be what the OP needs to see What you see as judgemental I see as a consistent pattern of other Mom's telling her to ease up, find out what the real issue is, love your daughter and talk to her about what is going on, and revisit how she is dealt loss of privileges. All good constructive criticism You can't *see* body language on here.