Not doing her best?

[Jaycey'smom]

Ok my DD is great but not doing what is expected of her this year!! We have the Fcat in FLA and she got 49 out of 49 in math right so we are NOT dealing with a child that is not smart!! We give her everything but my parents think we are Horrible if we deny her anything!! Well she got all B's last report card and she got her phone and Wii taken away. Now for her progress report she got 2 c's!! So her Phone , laptop and going to "nanas" is gone!! But should we take her b-day party away also?? This will cost about $500 but I love to do it for her... DH says no party!! What do you think?

 

[HunnyPots]

All B's and she got punished? Geez, if my son brought home all B's I'd buy him a car!

OK, maybe not. But I think punishing a kid for B's is way out of line. She may be capable of doing better, but be honest - do you do your level best at everything all the time? Of course not, nobody does. Your daughter is not perfect but is doing very well. Give her a break!

 

[maccagerl]

Ok my DD is great but not doing what is expected of her this year!! We have the Fcat in FLA and she got 49 out of 49 in math right so we are NOT dealing with a child that is not smart!! We give her everything but my parents think we are Horrible if we deny her anything!! Well she got all B's last report card and she got her phone and Wii taken away. Now for her progress report she got 2 c's!! So her Phone , laptop and going to "nanas" is gone!! But should we take her b-day party away also?? This will cost about $500 but I love to do it for her... DH says no party!! What do you think?

I think you should sit down and have a quiet talk with her to see what the problem is. Have you spoken with her teacher? Is she passing in homework? Can she see the board? Is she sleeping in class, needing to go to bed earlier at home? Does she have the proper structure and time to study at home?

I think taking away her visits with her grandmother is really an awful punishment and at cross purposes to what you are trying to achieve here. What next, forbid her to see her mom/dad or siblings?
What you really need is more communication with your dd and with her teacher to get to the root of the problem, instead of just treating the symptoms.

 

[Jaycey'smom]

She see's my mom and dad a few times each week (during the week) but on the weekends she gets too play with all her cousions at Nana's so it is like a reward. Yes I have talked with her teacher and she seems to think DD is doing ok. But as parents knowing she can do better ok is just ok not her best! Am i being to hard on her? I might add nana and Papa give her what ever she wants no matter what!!

 

[maccagerl]

She see's my mom and dad a few times each week (during the week) but on the weekends she gets too play with all her cousions at Nana's so it is like a reward. Yes I have talked with her teacher and she seems to think DD is doing ok. But as parents knowing she can do better ok is just ok not her best! Am i being to hard on her? I might add nana and Papa give her what ever she wants no matter what!!

Still,I would not take away family as a punishment!
You said you spoke with her teacher, but have you sat down and had a heart to heart with your dd? What is her take on this?

 

[LisaMommy]

Just curious, how long do you plan on suspending her phone, laptop, visitation rights, etc? I understand wanting her to do her best, but taking away everything that makes her happy isn't necessarily the best way to achieve that. Also, if you take away everything eventually there will be nothing left to take, and she'll realize that. As a PP said, you really need to talk this through with your DD, she could be feeling uncomfortable being smarter than her peers (it's quite common for bright children to feel this way) or any of the other many reasons listed above. Good luck!

 

[shortbun]

Boy, since you asked...I think you are WAAAAAY over-reacting. The teacher says she's doing all right. First grade card with this teacher, right? How old is she? I guess I can see making great grades the criteria for video games and a cell phone. But taking away the privilege of seeing grandparents? Wow, that's beyond anything I would ever do and my son's grandparents dote as well. Familial love is important to her self esteem and having cousins to play with is NOT a privilege. B's are pretty good grades. How old is she? Did other kids get the great grades THEY were accustomed to or is this teacher perhaps a little tougher than usual? You could cause your daughter to hate and resent school with your huge reaction to her totally acceptable grade card. Again, how old is she? Are you supervising her homework? Does she seem to be having trouble? You and your husband seem ready to throw her under the bus as 'bad' instead of finding a solution or helping her solve a problem IF, IF, IF there really IS a problem.

 

[gillenkl]

First, I wouldn't have taken away everything at once, just one item at at time, you're going to run out of things to take away and she might rebel on you more quickly. Also, no visits to relatives, honestly, I've never heard of that as a punishment before.

Second, do you supervise her homework? I don't know how old your DD is but the first thing my DD steps in the door I look over what she has for homework so I get an idea of how long it will take. I usually give her a 45 minute break once she gets home to just chill before we start homework. Sometimes I sit with her while she does it, I'm not hovering or nagging, I might read a book or newspaper but I'm there if she has a question.

 

[dougsmom98]

I am a teacher. While I really appreciate that you are making education a priority, before I started punishing my child, I would talk to the teacher to see how her effort is in school. I would also ask the teacher what kinds of things she can work to improve on and then set goals around improving in those areas. Taking everything away for the sake of punishing is not necessarily going to improve anything. Your DD probably doesn't know what areas to improve on. If it is a matter of her not doing her homework, then make her do her homework and you need to look over it. Even though she scored well on the FCAT, those are minimum standards that all kids need to pass. I am guessing that most teachers challenge capable students with work that goes well beyond what is expected of students on those tests. What has come easily to her in the past, is likely going to get more difficult as she continues on with school.

 

[XYSRUS]

I know where you're coming from...I expect a lot from my oldest b/c he's very capable...IMO you should take away stuff one at a time, don't take away visits to the grandparents-that's like punishing both parties, have the b/day party. Some of this lies with you. For the next few weeks, make sure she does her homework before any playing, tv etc. Go over projects with her, maybe you even have to help explain material to her(not all the teachers are great at conveying an idea). Then see what happens. Help her find that joy in succeeding. Be firm, let her know what you expect. And, reward-not always with an object-for positive results. Good luck.

 

[ShariVT]

sounds like punshing for B's didn't work. Maybe you should lighten up. She will think grades are more important than family. As far as her birthday party that would just be crewl. Take a breath and realize you have a smart kid and rejoyce in the B's or she might just totally rebel and bring home D's.

 

[MsDisney23]

I thought she wasn't doing her best grocery shopping...this is the budget board!

 

[MDTerrapin]

Wow! How old is this child? All I can think of is that you are setting her up for major issues in the future. You need to consider her mental health not only her education. You can push her towards anorexia, depression and even suicide. JMO.

Karen

 

[GJM]

I think that punishment is a bit much for getting all B's. I also would talk to the teacher and see how you can help her more. I wouldn't punish her for getting all B's.

I would never take away seeing family as a punishment, family is too important.

 

[snowbunny]

Well. I don't think expecting good grades is pushing a child toward suicide. Geez

My DD14 balances a lot between school, sports, and social life and this is her first year of high school - the As are not coming nearly as easily. She is struggling in honors physics. We look at it that she does not have to make straight As (although that is the goal), but she does have to try to get there. That means a lot of supervision on my part. Limiting computer time - how much time can a teen waste on facebook? and so forth.
Making sure school is the priority so that she has her work done or good progress made before socializing. Knowing what she has for homework every night (I ask her.) Getting myself to every parent-teacher conference so that I hear the teacher's viewpoint. The most important thing is the example you set in her knowing that you care deeply how she is doing in school.

I try to take a more collaborative than confrontational view. I would take away the toys for a set period of time if they are interfering with her work. The birthday party - no. It's a celebration that she was born - to me taking that away would be like withholding love. Same with family relationships and support. You are helping her focus by taking away her toys. You love her and that is WHY it is important that she do her best work. Try to make it about helping her be her best rather than punishment.

 

[grumpy donald]

What kind of person punishes for b's? Or keeping her from her family? "Mommy Dearest?" anyone?

 

[msmayor]

We have never, EVER punished for a bad grade. Right from the start we have instilled in our kids..."Just always do your best work." If they came home with a C I'd look them in the eye and ask "Did you really do your best?" If they said yes, I'd then ask "Well what do YOU think you could have done to make your best better?" Often they'd answer themselves with more study time or different study methods...but the point is THEY self-evaluated and decided they would do more.

Through the years, this 'self-evaluation' turned them into their own critics. Now with my DD a Senior and my DS a Freshman, I don't even need to push them to do their homework. THEY come down hard on themselves if a grade isn't up to what they consider their standard. The only time we get involved is if their progress reports indicated by comment that they aren't putting forth adequate effort.

If a kid is really trying their best and getting B's, for a parent to basically cut them down and say "its not good enough" can make them think that it doesn't matter how hard they try then, because my parents won't be happy.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

This just makes me really sad. I'm sure you have good intentions but - whatever happened to the love of learning? The joy of discovery and accomplishment?

Teresa

 

[cruellababy]

Gotta agree w grumpydonald- I have a DD16 and last year she spent the year bringing home F's Some emotional issues were at play- and it seemed the more I pushed the less effort she was putting in. Now this year- all A's; except for a B in gym-but can't blame her- she is expected to swim 1st period and even I wouldn't do that
Guess my point is lay off a little- and I'm sure you'll be surprised w the results.

 

[CoP Luv]

Wow! How old is this child? All I can think of is that you are setting her up for major issues in the future. You need to consider her mental health not only her education. You can push her towards anorexia, depression and even suicide. JMO.

Karen

I think this is true for more children than you think. I don't know how old the student is in question, but I was always the "smart" one in the family. I got in trouble when I got a 3.0 on my report card. All B's! I was pushed to do better and I couldn't control my grades sometimes even though I tried really hard. If I wanted to control something, I would find it. I had long spell with an eating disorder that started at the age of twelve. Though I am not in a scary weight and am long past that time, the mental scars are still there. I have to actively tell my brain not to think like that and I am more than 10 years removed.

I think you are being too harsh. The more you push your kids, the worse they will do. I was there. I was one of those kids.

I am still really smart and have a great job, but I don't have a great relationship with my parent who pushed me. It's better than what it was, but not wonderful.

Just really think about what you are doing...Just all I ask. There are other ways of dealing with a B or even a C. It's not the end of the world. I promise.