Not doing her best?

[luvdzne]

Wow! I thought I was hard on my dd. She is more than capable of bringing straight A's home with little effort but it doesn't always happen. While we do hold her accountable for her grades, we also look at why she didn't get an A. Was is because she was lazy and didn't put any effort into it or was it something she tried but didn't fully succeed at.

OP I suggest you look at what areas your dd is having a hard time with. Is she doing well with classwork but struggling with tests? My dd has some anxiety taking tests. She knows the answers but when it comes to taking the test she freezes. She also has some self esteem issues that play a part in things like speeches and such.

Some things to look at.....Has she had her hearing and vision tested? Is there something else interfering that distracts her in class. My other dd has auditory processing issues which affect her in class. I suggest talking to the teacher and asking what areas she sees a problem in. Also being number smart does not make you automatically smart in other areas.

Have you talked to your dd? How does she feel she is doing? Does she seem upset by the B's? Does she think she could do better?

I don't know, I just think it sends a wrong message punishing her from family activities. While I can see taking away the fun with her cousins, it's sort of like grounding from friends, I don't think taking away seeing family is going to accomplish what you want IMO!

 

[Sunshineanddaisys]

I think it totally depends on the reasons for the "bad" grades...and I don't consider B's bad grades. Did she not do assignments and thats why she got C's? Or is it that she just isn't getting the subject matter....Makes a big difference in how I would deal with a child...

 

[Jeanne B]

Several people have asked about the age of the OP's child, she posted on another Budget board thread last night indicating that her DD was 10 and would be 11 next month.

 

[grumpy donald]

I think this is true for more children than you think. I don't know how old the student is in question, but I was always the "smart" one in the family. I got in trouble when I got a 3.0 on my report card. All B's! I was pushed to do better and I couldn't control my grades sometimes even though I tried really hard. If I wanted to control something, I would find it. I had long spell with an eating disorder that started at the age of twelve. Though I am not in a scary weight and am long past that time, the mental scars are still there. I have to actively tell my brain not to think like that and I am more than 10 years removed.

I turned to alcohol. When I was intoxicated, I didn't have to care what my psycho dad expected of me. This little girl will be in therapy, rehab, or need one or the other by the time she hits puberty at this rate.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

She see's my mom and dad a few times each week (during the week) but on the weekends she gets too play with all her cousions at Nana's so it is like a reward. Yes I have talked with her teacher and she seems to think DD is doing ok. But as parents knowing she can do better ok is just ok not her best! Am i being to hard on her? I might add nana and Papa give her what ever she wants no matter what!!

Yes, you are being too hard on her. You need to cut her some slack. Even gift children tend to get B's sometimes. The more you push, the more she will give up. You are putting pressure on her to be perfect. No one is perfect and you need to stop and realize that. You are setting her up to not accept anything but being perfect. If she remains that way, she will end up a basket case. I don't mean to sound mean but it is true.

My son strived for perfectionism in school. We did not push it. If he came home with a B, he was upset. If he could not doing something perfect, he became depressed with himself and felt he was a failure. Then he would eventually give up & not try at all.. and we are talking about a kid with an IQ of over 140..so he wasn't stupid by no means.. FCAT results were way above the norm.. He got the Bright Futures and what did he do when he started college, he gave up.. he lost the Bright Futures.. because he felt he could not get A's anymore.. so he just stopped showing up for his classes.

Perfectionism is a sickness and you don't want to push that on your daughter. If she is getting B's and her teacher feels that she is doing OK.. leave it at that or you will set her up to eventually drop out and give up totally.. just to spite you. I am not saying not to monitor her, but don't take away things for a B.. and most of all, don't take away family time for it. That is like saying, you can only see your family members if you are smart and good. Family represents your safe haven. They are your loved ones & should always be there for you, no matter what. I understand about the playing time, but every kid needs some venting time as well.


FYI.. very intelligent DS isn't doing that great in the real world. He hasn't gone back to college & doesn't plan on it, is 22 & has worked as a server, dishwasher and is now working as a driver for an AC company. My middle DD, 20, who in high school got plenty of C's, & even had to take remedial Math ( yet was in the gift program in elem & middle school) is now in college full time. She will get a dual (AA/AS) degree as a Para Legal in May from our local Community College. She will continue on at either FGCU or USF and wants to eventually go to Law School at UF. She is also working full time as a server. She burns the candle at both ends by working and college yet keeps her grades up and has a 3.7 GPA. She pays for all of her own things (including car insurance) & drives a 2006 Mazda that my mom helped her pay for. She learned how to accept failure... my DS never did and cannot move on in life.

 

[LisaNJ25]

All B's and she got punished? Geez, if my son brought home all B's I'd buy him a car!

OK, maybe not. But I think punishing a kid for B's is way out of line. She may be capable of doing better, but be honest - do you do your level best at everything all the time? Of course not, nobody does. Your daughter is not perfect but is doing very well. Give her a break!

LOL same here...

 

[bcarson]

I certainly don't think that this child is being pushed to suicide. That's a little over the top to me. But I would not punish for B's, even if I thought they were capable of A's. I would talk to them, encourage them ect... But I just don't see a B as a bad grade. Maybe you need to rethink your approach because it didn't seem to be working.


Just a thought. I know my ds teacher said they had a new science curriculum this year. She said it was hard, and all the kids are struggling. She said it's very circular and if this had been started in kdg instead of 4th. It might have been easier because a lot of it repeats. So in a few years of having this curriculum it should get better. Same with last year they changed how they graded math and all the kids grades were worse. What I am saying is there could be reasons behind some of her grades. I think the indication of the teacher saying they thought she was doing good should have told you something. Good Luck.

 

[momx2]

Wow, OP you could have been posting the exact same thing about my DD. She is 10, will be 11 next month and is more than capable of all As, but chooses not to always make them. Her grandparents also spoil her beyond reason. She makes As and Bs (one C on last year's report card). She is in 5th grade this year and is now trying harder. In 4th grade she did not try. She was having other issues with stress. She had night terrors and developed GERD. I actually had her seeing a therapist for a few months. The therapist, her teacher and I all decided to leave her alone about her grades from Christmas Break through the rest of the year. Like I said she did make 1 C and a bunch of Bs, but several As also.

My DD did heal inside and now is acting like her old self. She is much happier and peacful. She is also making better grades. She still made a couple of Bs last report card, but mostly As, but she is trying harder on her own. I also struggle with how to handle her and lack of trying sometimes. The other day I told her how my lack of trying through out school made it very difficult for me to get into law school. I think a light has went off in her head because now she tells me about how one of her friends doesn't try and she has talked with her about it.

I decided at the beginning of this year that there would be punishment for a C on her report card if there was evidence of her not trying and told her that, but I would accept As and Bs. I guess I just want to tell you that I understand your frustration with your DD, but I think you do need to back off a little and talk with her. I find our talks work better when is more natural, ie, not a lecture. That usually happens in the car running an errand or something. She thinks she is just talking with mom and not getting a lecture. Good luck!

 

[MDTerrapin]

I certainly don't think that this child is being pushed to suicide. That's a little over the top to me. But I would not punish for B's, even if I thought they were capable of A's. I would talk to them, encourage them ect... But I just don't see a B as a bad grade. Maybe you need to rethink your approach because it didn't seem to be working.


It may seem over the top now but if it continues it can lead the chidl to collapse under the pressure.

Karen

 

[squirrlygirl]

This is an open forum. You need to expect and accept that not everyone is going to agree with what you're doing and you're going to get responses that are quite varied. She asked for "opinions" and that is what she got. She didn't ask people to "tell me I'm 100% right". You can choose to take comments in places like this as a slam or view it as an opportunity to see how others deal with the same situation and grow from it.

The OP did not give enough information about her DD and honestly, if you read the responses, you will see a consistency in the answers. That may in fact be what the OP needs to see What you see as judgemental I see as a consistent pattern of other Mom's telling her to ease up, find out what the real issue is, love your daughter and talk to her about what is going on, and revisit how she is dealt loss of privileges. All good constructive criticism You can't *see* body language on here.

There is a big difference between being helpful and being hurtful. I see no reason to attack someone as a way to get a point across.
Tact goes a long way.

 

[C.Ann]

Taking family time away from her? That is waaaaay out of line in my book.. God forbid something happened to her nana while she was being kept away from her over school work..

Punishments should be consistent with the action that requires the punishment.. In this case it's her grades - nothing at all to do with her family relationships.. I would really, really re-think that particular punishment..

 

[iggbees]

is it possible that she could be bored and that's why she's not doing well? i have a cousin who is an amazingly good writer, but in grade school he was bored and did terrible (i mean, failing terrible).

i was bored when i was in 1st grade in reading, because i had read all the books that they had given to me, so they put me in my own class where i read upper level books and i thrived.

i feel like punishing your child for getting b's is not a good idea. she'll probably end up doing worse because then she'll feel terrible when she gets b's and will stop trying and not try harder like you think she will.

 

[meriface11]

you are not being too hard on your DD if B's are lower than what she is capable of achieving. When i was growing up, 90% or higher was the rule FOR ME, and i was in trouble if i got anything below, because that's what my parents knew i was capable of achieving. The rules were different for my brother who had a different aptitude. But other posters are right when they say you need to have a serious conversation with both her teachers and your daughter. if Bs are what the teacher would expect from someone with your daughter's aptitude, then let, up, but if she could be doing better, make sure she has the support she needs, academically, environmentally, to do it--punitive action may not be the only approach. i remember i struggled a lot with algebra, so my parents hired a college student to tutor me, and that little extra attention gave me the confidence i needed. i was also fortunate to be in an educational environment where it was "OK" for girls to be smart--at 10, she may be getting to that age where she is feeling self conscious about doing well, speaking up in class, etc. but you will never go wrong giving her the tools she needs to be as successful as she is capable of being--it will go a long way in terms of her overall development and growth, both educationally and personally.

 

[maccagerl]

Just to clarify- everyone's commenting on DD being punished for getting "B's", but the OP said she has recently gone down from "B's" to "C's".
Just to set the record straight.

 

[bcarson]

Just to clarify- everyone's commenting on DD being punished for getting "B's", but the OP said she has recently gone down from "B's" to "C's".
Just to set the record straight.

The C's were only on the mid term reports, no the final grade. Maybe if she was given some support they could easily be a B by the end of the term.

 

[grumpy donald]

Just to clarify- everyone's commenting on DD being punished for getting "B's", but the OP said she has recently gone down from "B's" to "C's".
Just to set the record straight.

Showing her aggressive punishment isn't the key.

I mean, the woman wants to take away her birthday party for heaven's sake!

 

[sunnyday123]

We have never, EVER punished for a bad grade. Right from the start we have instilled in our kids..."Just always do your best work." If they came home with a C I'd look them in the eye and ask "Did you really do your best?" If they said yes, I'd then ask "Well what do YOU think you could have done to make your best better?" Often they'd answer themselves with more study time or different study methods...but the point is THEY self-evaluated and decided they would do more.

Through the years, this 'self-evaluation' turned them into their own critics. Now with my DD a Senior and my DS a Freshman, I don't even need to push them to do their homework. THEY come down hard on themselves if a grade isn't up to what they consider their standard. The only time we get involved is if their progress reports indicated by comment that they aren't putting forth adequate effort.

If a kid is really trying their best and getting B's, for a parent to basically cut them down and say "its not good enough" can make them think that it doesn't matter how hard they try then, because my parents won't be happy.

VERY well said. DD is the same way. She made honor roll this year ( first year they started it ) and told her teacher there was a mistake because she got one B. DD understands this is her "job" and she must try her hardest. That's all I ask of her.

There could be some underlying issues. Is there a bully at school? Are people making fun of her? Can she see the blackboard? If she truly is goofing off and this is the reason for lower grades, then that should be addressed.
But punishing her for bringing home all B's?? Waaaaaay too extreme.

 

[GothTink]

All B's and she got punished? Geez, if my son brought home all B's I'd buy him a car!

OK, maybe not. But I think punishing a kid for B's is way out of line. She may be capable of doing better, but be honest - do you do your level best at everything all the time? Of course not, nobody does. Your daughter is not perfect but is doing very well. Give her a break!

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[jennz]

Wow, I'm wondering if I read the same post...the way I read it the woman is looking for help for an underachieving daughter who is getting straight B's which have now become C's on her midterm. Not a few B's here and there, or doing her best and earning B's. This is the time to help develop study skills and if DD came home with all B's I'd be concerned too. Would I stop her from going to her grandmother's if Grandma bought her whatever she wanted it and it was looked at like a playdate if she wasn't doing her best? You betcha! Do I think it will lead to the decline of her emotional health? Absolutely not!

Our dd is 10 and has always had straight As - this is what she's been capable of and what we expect BECAUSE it's what she can do. She got a B+ on her report card in math this year...new school, new teacher, gifted class - was she punished? No - because she did her best - a B+ that grading period is what she was capable of. But she didn't get ALL B's. I think that's something you need to watch out for in bright kids. Before I get flamed for this it's my experience talking - gifted program, mostly A's through school (expected from my parents), never had to apply myself - as a result I struggled in college - no study skills.

From what I read the key is that she's not getting any A's at all and she's "just getting by." Wasn't the original question something about is her DH over the top wanting to take away the birthday party? I would say yes to that, I agree with you OP - let her have the party.

As for helping her reach her potential there has been some great advice on here. Thanks to the pp who is the school counselor - really liked your post!

Good luck! Remember, as with all message boards, take what you like and leave the rest.

 

[princessmom29]

What kind of person punishes for b's? Or keeping her from her family? "Mommy Dearest?" anyone?

As the parent of a high school student, I know. And if you read the rest of my post, I advocated against punishment and for a collaborative approach.

In our house we do not pay for As nor punish for Cs and below. The A is the reward for the student's hard work. The C or below indicates a need for help - better time management, more sleep, or something else that we determine with the child.

I turned to alcohol. When I was intoxicated, I didn't have to care what my psycho dad expected of me. This little girl will be in therapy, rehab, or need one or the other by the time she hits puberty at this rate.

I certainly don't think that this child is being pushed to suicide. That's a little over the top to me. But I would not punish for B's, even if I thought they were capable of A's. I would talk to them, encourage them ect... But I just don't see a B as a bad grade. Maybe you need to rethink your approach because it didn't seem to be working.


It may seem over the top now but if it continues it can lead the chidl to collapse under the pressure.

Karen

I would just like to say that I grew up in a household where anything less than a A was not acceptable and I grew up just fine. I was not tramautized in any way for being punished for not donig what both my parents and I knew i was capable of doing. I knew the score and knew what would happen. I took all of those AP and honors courses including chemistry physics and calculus and had a few B's, but I let my parents know when I was struggling and as long as they saw that I was really putting in the effort they were ok with that. I think what it comes down to is evpecting each child to work to his or hwer potential no matter what that potential is. I teach high school and I see the c's and D's that could of been A's and B's that come form parents who "never punish for grades" these parents want to blame everyone else but thier children for the kid's poor performance. In 99% or more of cases the kids are simplt lazy or rebellious they are capable, just chose not to try. To the OP good for you for taking a stand.