No "immediate bonding" at birth-do you not have a good relationship with your child?

[disykat]

Originally posted by browneyes
Because she has rejected him from the moment he was born. She has given him up numerous times and has told him over and over again she never wanted to have him. When he was born, he spent 2 weeks in NICU in another hospital. She went to see him 1 time. He has done nothing in his 12 1/2 years to warrant being rejected by his own mother. She has 3 other children and has never treated them as poorly as she has with him, her eldest child. The other 3 children were not taken away from her at birth to another hospital like he was.

That was not lack of bonding that was lack of caring. I was a 31 when my first was born and wanted him desperately. We didn't "bond immediately". I was out cold from my emergency section and saw him first at 8 hours. It had been a long labor and I was very sick with an infection. Then we had nursing issues and he literally didn't sleep. There were moments I thought I had made the worst mistake of my life. Our first 8 weeks were miserable. We paced the floors all night and spent much of the day at almost daily drs. visits for weight checks, lactation consultants etc. Things finally settled down and we bonded just fine. It's amazing what some sleep will do.

I see no difference in our relationship compared to ds#2 whose newborn days went smoothly. I am actually probably closer to my firstborn because we share more personality traits.

 

[Disney Ella]

When my kids were born five weeks early, they took them away - one to the NICU for the night and the other one to the transitional care nursery. They were never in the room with me and I could only go and see them if I had someone to push my wheelchair and IV pole, since I was in no shape to walk.

Eight years later, they complain when I go to work and leave them with DH. They want to sit next to me or on top of me on the couch when we watch TV. I don't see how they could be more bonded.

I agree that "you must bond at the moment of birth or forget it" stuff is a bunch of nonsense. How aware is the baby at that moment anyway?

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by disykat
That was not lack of bonding that was lack of caring.

IMO, it was both.

 

[piglet too]

I was able to hold my oldest son right after he was born. My other two were born via c-section and although I got to see them briefly, they each had medical issues and were rushed off to the nursery. I did not get to see my middle child (my youngest son) until 18 hours later and then could not hold him for another 5 hours after that. With my youngest (my girl) I did not get to see her until over 20 hours after and held her at that time. She was transferred to another hospital that night and I did not get to see her for over 48 hours.
Now I will say that I am closest to my middle child. We have a connection that I can not even put into words. I also have a very strong bond with my daughter. Now with my oldest it is differant. But he is also a child that has never wanted a lot of affection, which I love to give. But we do have a very strong bond in how we can relate to each other.
So, I feel that it is all what you make it to be. You make the most of the time you have, when you get it, and that creates the bond.

 

[Lisa F]

Originally posted by browneyes
Because she has rejected him from the moment he was born. She has given him up numerous times and has told him over and over again she never wanted to have him. When he was born, he spent 2 weeks in NICU in another hospital. She went to see him 1 time. He has done nothing in his 12 1/2 years to warrant being rejected by his own mother. She has 3 other children and has never treated them as poorly as she has with him, her eldest child. The other 3 children were not taken away from her at birth to another hospital like he was.

Someone who systematically rejects their child over his lifetime IMO has serious emotional problems that go WAY beyond whether the bloody, slimy baby was placed on her chest the second after he was born or whether they had to wait a couple of weeks to hold their baby. I know many people who have had their newborn in NICU for the first few weeks of their lives and all of them seem even MORE grateful that their child is home and OK.

In the case of your nephew, it sounds like his mom had serious issues dealing with the fact that she might lose her baby and as a defense mechanism, she convinced herself she didn't really want him at all. This situation is pretty far from the norm and I really really hope that she gets the help that she needs, for her sake as well as her son's. Still, it's very very sad. I just don't think it's an issue of "immediate bonding" at all but more an issue of how difficult it is on a mother to have to deal with a seriously ill child and the lasting effects it can have on her mental health.

 

[Robmom]

DH was the first to hold DD. I also had an emergency c-section and didn't get to see or hold her until a couple of days later. I was in ICU. We are so close now.

 

[poohandwendy]

I just have to say, I think the 'immediate bonding' theory and 'written birth plan' are awful things.

The problem is that these 2 pop psychology 'perfect parenting' plans leave many parents feeling that they missed out on some great experience that they 'should' have had. All births that result in eventually healthy babies and mothers, no matter how they came about, should be rejoiced as a total success. The power of persuasion is a strong force, I know many mothers who really took it hard that things didn't go 'perfectly' in LD&R. They felt even more inadequate than first time mothers many times feel. Pregnancy and parenting guides should be meant to encourage new parents, not give them expectations that are many (if not most) times IMPOSSIBLE to attain.

To give a mother the impression that she may not properly bond with her child if she doesn't touch/feed etc her child in the first minutes is not only ignorant but patently false. (as illustrated in this very thread)

Thankfully, this crappola line of reasoning came about after I had already blew it with my three children....I guess I should earmark their college funds for intensive therapy instead...

 

[Robinrs]

I lost my first son 3 days after birth so six years later when Michael was born I didn't care WHAT he was covered with I just wanted my BABY!!

He had the same malady as my first son, meconium aspiration, so they had to work on him for what seemed like a lifetime before he was able to be given to me. He looked at everyone with a strange look then found ME! I will never forget the look he gave me when he heard my voice! It totally said "that's my MOMMY!"

After about a moment they whisked him away and took him to NICU. He was only there a few hours when they brought him back to my room.

Siamese twins could not be closer than Michael and I are 11 years later.

I used to watch women who looked somewhat uninterested when their baby was handed to them. After being "empty armed" for so many years and wanting him for so long I never understood that. I grew to realize that everyone reacts based on their own experiences. Not everyone lived my life and I hardly expect them to react the way I did. I was a woman in need and the birth of my son fulfilled that need and does to this very day.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

I had my twins by emergency C-section and didn't get to see them for 7 hours. A nurse had just came in and told me that I wouldn't get to see them till in the morning because they still couldn't maintain their preemie body temp (to which I said, "I'll crawl down there if I have to! LOL), when another nurse wheeled them in and I must say, I instantly "bonded"! No problems there! Even though I couldn't nurse because of the high blood pressure medication and I didn't see them right away, they turned out just fine. In fact, they're perfect and I have never felt "disconnected" from them!

 

[Alice28]

Wasn't able to bond with DS#2 right away; he was HUGE, over 11#'s and was having breathing problems, then blood sugar problems, so he stayed in the NICU for the first 36 hours or so, versus DS#1 was with me constantly. I don't feel I have any different bond with DS#2. I think bonding comes from much more than the first few hours of life. He IS more clingy than DS#1 ever was, but I think that is just personality type, not a bonding issue.

 

[Kermit]

Jacob was a preemie and had to be taken away for observation soon after he was born, but we're as close as possible.

However, I did plan on having him with me if it was medically possible, and I'm planning on the same thing with this one. I don't think that bonding is something that has to take place in the first few seconds, but if the mom wants it and it's not going to hurt either her or the baby, why not? There are conclusive studies that show that breastfeeding is more likely to be successful if the baby is allowed to nurse as soon as possible, and there's nothing wrong with trying to make a mom happy.

Women are paying customers at hospitals. Yes, doctors and nurses have the obligation to tell them if something they want is bad for them or their babies, but if it's not a problem medically, then the staff should be willing to let them have what they want. I'm planning on having this baby without any medications or unnecessary interventions, just like I did with Jacob. I'm also planning on having the baby with me 24/7. That means he won't be taken away from my side at all, whether it's for a bath, PKU test, or whatever. If it's important, it can be done in our room. I'm willing to change my mind if a medical emergency comes up, but otherwise, I'll have my baby the way that makes me happy.

 

[Gwene65]

My son was rushed to the NICU right after he was born. I didn't get to experience that "bonding" you refer to.

I always considered myself the type of person that would never have kids and who wasn't very loving towards any babies or children.
BUT-the anguish and love and all thses mixed emotions I had after labor/birth is indescribable.(sp?) I didn't get to hold my baby or feed him for the first 2 days after he was born. Those feelings I had just looking at him though were unlike anything I had ever felt or will likely feel again. You have so much love for this little creature that you don't even know yet.
You just come equipped with these feelings. Thats what moms are all about. I was prepared for the pain of labor but was not expecting the rush of feelings I still get whenever I look at my little miracle.

It's the best job around-being a mother.

 

[BethanyF]

I actually fell asleep during my c-section. I had been in and out of the hospital for a week with failed inductions, so I was pretty tired, not to mention scared to death. I dont know if the sleep came from fear or exahustion (sp?)
Anyway, they showed me DS after he was born then took him to the nursery while they sent me to recovery. It was a good 3 or 4 hours before they took me to my room. We stopped in the hall outside the nursery so I could hold him for a minute. To be honest, all I wanted to do was get to my room and my bed. So he went back to the nursery and I went to my room.
They brought him to me after I got some rest, Id guess maybe 7 or 8 hours after the meeting in the hall. I was still pretty drugged but he spent the day in the room with me, DH and various visitors. Sometimes he was in bed with me, sometimes in the bassinet. He went back to the nursery each night.
FWIW, we are very close. He still loves to fall asleep on my lap, loves to cuddle whenever he has the chance, and will just walk up to me out of nowhere and give me a hug & kiss and tell me he loves me.
I think the 'instant bonding' is nonsense. Every parent is different and attaches to their child differently.

 

[newholiday]

DS was taken by c-section almost 12yrs ago. The only thing we missed out on was the breast feeding because I was soooo drugged up (they waited till I was fully dilated then realized he wasnt passing through my canal). I tried to breast feed when I was able but because he had the bottle first he never took to it.
Would we be any closer if we had that "immediate bonding"? I doubt it.

 

[GlennandAnn]

Don't you all think that you bond with your baby before he/she is born? Or if you adopt, don't you bond with that baby when you see the picture, or when you hear the news that you have been chosen to be the parents of that child? Bonding doesn't have to be an instantaneous thing, sometimes it takes time. I don't think it has a thing to do with your future relationship with your child.

Ann

 

[pw2pp]

I don't put so much importance on what happens immediately after birth, but rather, how much love the child receives from the parent on a daily basis throughout his or her life - THAT is what is really important.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

My DS was born at 29 weeks and had to be medivacted to another hospital. It was awful to not have him with me. I begged the DRs to allow me to leave the next day. I spent the next 4 weeks in the NICU with him. I remember the nurses telling me to go home and sleep, I would never have a better babysitter! I was so worried about not being bonded. Well she was so right, the last thing I needed to think about was bonding, we are very close.

Fast forward 7 years and our wonderful birth mom invited us to the hospital the day DD was born. It was wonderful to hold her that day! She and I also are very close, but the truth is I love them both exactly the same. The birth/bonding is not what is important it is everything you do together after that matters. I am so lucky to have 2 little gifts from heaven!

 

[Cindy B]

In my child psychology class, we were just talking about this very same thing.

In fact there is a study out there (too tired to cite the study originator/date right now), that stated that even if mother/child were not in direct contact immediately after birth, bonding could still occur as if direct contact did occur.

The bonding would occur if correct and proper care was taken to the child. If the child was severly neglected, or such, of course the bonding would not occur.

My daughter had to be attended by the neonatologists. She was transverse (stuck sideways), and had merconioum. I didn't see her at first either.

She is fine now, and all is well with the two of us.

 

[Snoopymom]

We are foster-to-adopting a 3 yr old that was placed with us at 23 months. The bonding process is something that we constantly have to work at, no daycare, no separation, teaching him how to trust, lots of physical contact, hugs, holding hands, I love you's, eye contact, etc. If anyone thinks they may have bonding issues with their child, search the net for RAD, reactive attachment disorder. It's never too late!