No funeral -Would this upset you?

[Tink888]

Inspired by the would you attend a funeral thread.......

It is said that funerals are for the living. Personally, when a loved one has died DH and I have never found any comfort in the funeral. It has been more stressful than anything else. The closure came in our own time along with the grief.

DH & I were talking about this recently and I told him that when I died I wanted to be cremated and honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted a viewing or funeral. Just an obituary to let people know that I've passed.

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

 

[cntrygal]

We didnt have a funeral for either of my grandparents, that was there wishes

 

[KPeveler]

I do not want a funeral or viewing. I am going to be cremated immediately, and then have a small memorial service where family can gather and there will be a picture of me when I am not ill or anything

I just went to a memorial service myself, and it was lovely. There was no viewing or proper "funeral" in this location (I am not sure whether there was one where most of hte family is). It was so helpful to gather and share good memories and stories. NOT depressing viewing a dead body... We could almost pretend that he was alive, just somewhere else...

 

[Nolcrest]

My DH's mother was cremated with no funeral. It's what the family wanted. I thought it was great. It didn't mean she was loved any less. With family scattered all over the states it was much less stressful this way. We grieved in our own way. My mother would love to do the same. I'm all for it.

 

[Pakey]

My husband and I both are in agreement that there will be no funeral for either of us. We will be cremated.

Two of our sons are married so those choices are for their wives. If the youngest son, who is single, were to die, we would choose no funeral for him also.

 

[Disney Ella]

It would be fine with me, since I share your feelings. I've never found funerals to be comforting either and I find viewings to be very creepy. I would rather remember the person the way they were when they were alive and happy.

 

[hellokitty86]

So, if you knew a deceased person who didn't want a funeral and their immediate family was okay without having one, would you be upset and have an issue with there not being one?

Not at all. As a matter of fact, I would be relieved. I haven't been to a funeral in years- it is just too much for me to handle. They make me very upset and like a person said above me, I think they are for the living & not the deceased so I don't feel guilty NOT going. I don't feel its disrespectful to the person who passed away. I honor them in other ways.

I know people have been very upset with me for not attending, but like I said, it is for my own well being. If somebody decided they didn't want a funeral, I wouldn't have to worry about family members trying to make me feel guilty.

 

[CruiserMom]

We did this recently when my mother passed away. We had her cremated, but we did have a "visitation" at a funeral home where we set up lots of pictures of Mom throughout the years, with her family, etc. My DD even set up a computer slide show. We had lots of extended family and friends come to that. A few people in the family (mostly older folks) did question why we children did not have a public funeral for her. But we decided it was our mother, our choice.

We had a private memorial with close family only, where we buried her ashes and planted a tree in her honor.

 

[Angelhalo]

I could never tell people how they should grieve after my death. Just because I don't get anything out of a funeral, doesn't mean no one else does. Once I'm dead why in the world should it matter to me how the remaining people are grieving? I would never ask them or tell them not to do something that might give them comfort.

 

[NMAmy]

My father didn't want a funeral and we respected his wishes. He was cremated. My mother, my sisters, my dd and I all went out to lunch at his favorite restaurant and told our favorite stories about him. It was actually very nice and just what my dad would have wanted. Although, I think he would've liked us to get a keg.

If anyone in the extended family had a problem with it, they didn't have the guts to mention it to my mom.

 

[jen0610]

I do not want a funeral or viewing. I am going to be cremated immediately, and then have a small memorial service where family can gather and there will be a picture of me when I am not ill or anything

I just went to a memorial service myself, and it was lovely. There was no viewing or proper "funeral" in this location (I am not sure whether there was one where most of hte family is). It was so helpful to gather and share good memories and stories. NOT depressing viewing a dead body... We could almost pretend that he was alive, just somewhere else...

This is what my dads side of the family does.

My uncle passed away, just after the 1st of November, out in CO. His DD and DS had a memorial service out there a couple of weeks after his passing, for he had been living out there for 20+ years. With the exception of 1 brother, the rest of the family is here in IN and that is where he choose to have his ashes placed, along side my grandparents.

On Dec 3rd, there was a 2nd memorial service for my uncle at the familys hometown church. There was a small lunch for the family - served one of his favorite meals. Afterwards, extended family and friends were welcome to come and offer condolances and visit with the immediate family in the fellowship hall, before the small church service. During the service, people are asked to come forward and share storys with the family and others that they recall.

It was the same format for my uncle as well as the grandparents and believe me, some of the stores that were told at my grandparents are treasured memories. And grandpa passed way when I was 6 and I still remember how packed that small farm town church was. It was hours of story telling. The laughter out did the crying.

Once the service is over, the immediate family goes to the gravesite and has one last visit, before their ashes are laid to ground. And even then, there are times of laughter.

I have already told DH, this is what he is to do for me, if I go 1st. And if he goes 1st and makes me do the full funeral home w/open casket, formal church and grave site service, followed by a dinner, it won't be pretty once I get to him inside those pearly gates.

 

[Tink888]

I could never tell people how they should grieve after my death. Just because I don't get anything out of a funeral, doesn't mean no one else does. Once I'm dead why in the world should it matter to me how the remaining people are grieving? I would never ask them or tell them not to do something that might give them comfort.

Interesting point. Are you saying then that you would leave your arrangements up to your family to make in a way that was comfortable to them?

I ask because if DH were the survivor I know that no funeral would be easiest on him but there are extended family members who would find comfort in a funeral. So, I guess what I'm kind of asking is wouldn't the needs of the immediate family come first as they are the ones most affected by the loss?

 

[paintnolish]

I don't want a funeral/wake either. Like the OP said, they are always stressful and make me feel worse! Cremate me and have a nice dinner (with lots of wine and dessert!) in my honor.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

My mom's sister passed recently and her wishes were to be cremated, no funeral and just a small mass celebrating her life at her local church.

Her husband had no mass, buried her in the ground and had a funeral. Her family was much more upset about that, then if her wishes were followed and no funeral was done.

 

[doxdogy]

A dear friend passed away years ago from skin cancer. He explicitly told his wife and DH he did not want a funeral or a memorial service, he wanted a party. After he passed, his wife rented out a country club and we celebrated his life.

 

[cheermom1]

My father didn't want a funeral and we respected his wishes. He was cremated. My mother, my sisters, my dd and I all went out to lunch at his favorite restaurant and told our favorite stories about him. It was actually very nice and just what my dad would have wanted. Although, I think he would've liked us to get a keg.

If anyone in the extended family had a problem with it, they didn't have the guts to mention it to my mom.

LOL I was reading all the posts and thinking about a party for mine ..then I read yours...

I want to be cremated and let the kids have some kind of private time and if they want they can invite others ..I want to be remembered for who I am as I am ....I don't want anyone to be upset that I'm gone ..we all die and part of life ..celebrate my life not my death...

 

[Tiggeroo]

Did you read the NYTimes article this morning on Haiti. Lack of funerals is going to be very upsetting to their culture.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I totally find comfort in funerals. It was the way I was raised. It gives the living a chance to stop-down, gather the family, and re-group and reconnect. Plus, we happen to like each other, so that helps.

We've had family members who can't be in the same room with a deceased person and that is okay with us. We just ask that family members be present in some way, maybe you get to be the lobby person who greets and guides people to the room of the service.

Heck, half of my family is Catholic and I've been to rosaries and I don't do them but I was there to help in any way I could.

We've never had someone state they didn't want a service, but if they did, we'd honor it and then find a way to honor them in some way. (The family would do a charity day or play poker or have a picnic and not mention why, etc. We're crafty that way.)

 

[jen0610]

It would be fine with me, since I share your feelings. I've never found funerals to be comforting either and I find viewings to be very creepy. I would rather remember the person the way they were when they were alive and happy.

When my grandpa on my moms side, they did the whole funeral w/open casket. I was 13/14 and DID NOT want to go up to the casket. Mom was completely fine with that.

During the service, I sat beside my aunt. She knew I didn't want to go up to the casket and had tried several times prior to get me to go up. When it was time for each row to go up and say a final goodbye, I stepped out of the row to let her by, but she caught my arm and started to "drag" me up there with her.

Now, I could have made a scene and gotten away from her, but I didn't. I thought that I could just not look. And that worked for the most part, but I still saw my grandpa laying there. And it wasn't the grandpa I remembered. This man was wearing a black suit, white shirt and black tie. I NEVER saw him wear anything up a white t-shirt and bibs. And it is such a lasting memory that any time I think of this grandpa, that is the image I first recall, not any of the better memories.

That is still a sore spot between my aunt, mom and I. Almost 30 years later.

 

[robinb]

I don't want a funeral. I would rather just be cremated and then have a party in my honor. Save some ashes for Disneyland, Disney World and Wrigley Field.