No Alcohol at a Wedding?

[Mouse House Mama]

I have to disagree - I have never seen a post, from a bride, mentioning expecting a certain amount of money as a gift. Ever. I've seen posts saying these threads exist, but never the actual posts. I've seen many posts regarding expecting to GIVE a certain amount, because we do expect to GIVE. As a guest, I usually give $300. As I bride, I had no expectations regarding what I received (especially since I did have out of town guests). Those who live here know exactly what I'm trying to say.

EXACTLY!!!!!! I have never seen a bride demanding that people give her the cost of the plate. The only threads I have ever seen were from guests asking how much do you think they should give. As a guest my guideline is usually at least enough to cover my plate but usually more. That is not a request from the couple. That is my guideline as a guest. That is how I chose to gift the couple.
Oh- and if I am important enough to be invited to your wedding and I can't attend I still send the same amount as a gift.

When I was a bride I didn't care if you came to my wedding with nothing. I wanted you there to celebrate with us. I wasn't counting on your gifts to pay for anything. We were throwing the party because we were so happy to be married and wanted our friends and family there to celebrate.

Oh- and yeah, we had free alcohol.

 

[paintnolish]

We did not have alcohol at our wedding. We had a beautiful lakeside reception, but it was owned by the city and that was in the contract. They didn't want to deal with the liability. Because of that, though, it was pretty inexpensive. We had a dj, but there wans't much dancing since nobody was drinking! We went out afterwards, though. I think everyone had a good time.
We also chose not to invite children. This was a fairly small location and we know people who have lots of kids. We couldn't only invite some, so we had to draw the line at all or nothing. My kids, of course, we there.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would like to set something straight here. So many of the non alcohol/cash bar people seem to think that just because we (a collective we) serve alcohol at parties that everyone is getting ripped out of their mind and doing lewd things. I have never seen anyone do that at any event that we have hosted or been to that serves alcohol! We are not alcoholics. We can and do have plenty of good times without alcohol. None of us go to a wedding and say "Whoooopppeeeee! I am going to get so trashed tonight at the open bar!" We are adults. We look at liquor as part of the event the same way we look at the cocktail hour and the dinner and dancing. It isn't some magical thing that we are in awe of. It is simply part of the offerings of the event. That doesn't mean that everyone is a bunch of sloppy drunks drinking until they puke.

We offer alcohol because some guests might like a drink during the evening. We consider it to be a host's duty to provide comforts for their guests. For us - in our area- that usually includes alcohol. If you come to my home for a party I will put alcohol out in case someone wants a drink. I rarely drink any alcohol. I still put it out in case someone wants something. I also provde a bunch of different sodas, juice and bottled water. I as a host try my best to give my guests choices of things they might like. You don't have to put out alcohol to be a good host but here most people do.

This is the way we do things in our area. If you live in an area where a cash bar is acceptable then go for it. Here it is simply part of every wedding catering package because we consider it as commonplace as a wedding cake.
I am just so tired of the dry/cash people making comments that if they serve alcohol everyone will be fall down drunk and innapropriate or that we are sad because we can't have a good time without alcohol. None of which it true.

And I don't know if it's because alcohol seems to be at all events, but I've yet to witness anyone getting totally drunk at a wedding.

 

[Planogirl]

I find it hard to believe that no one gets drunk at a reception when alcohol is flowing freely. Of course, not everyone will but no one?

I don't think that everyone here in favor of free alcohol at weddings believes that they can't have a good time without it. A few did make comments that they wouldn't go or would have a bad time without alcohol but certainly not everyone.

 

[Camicar]

I find it hard to believe that no one gets drunk at a reception when alcohol is flowing freely. Of course, not everyone will but no one?

We did not invite the one guest we knew would get rip-roaring drunk to our wedding -- my uncle, the drunk. So once we removed him, there was no one getting drunk even with the open bar, drink fountains, and wine on the table. In fact, I never saw anyone getting drunk at any wedding reception until I moved out here, where the cash bar is the norm and getting drunk is considered your right at any public activity.

So, in my experience, the likelihood of having drunks at your wedding depends upon the guest list and the culture of the locality. Where I grew up, public drunkeness was a big no no, absolutely unacceptable. Not to say it didn't happen, but if it did, you were looked down upon and your exclusion from future family events was considered the natural consequence of your choices. Out here, no social event is considered complete without alcohol and public drunkness is considered normal. When we first joined a church, for example, the first church-sponsored social event for newcomers was in a bar. Most weddings have a "bar bus" that carries the wedding party from the church around to bars for a minimum of two hours before the reception starts. And yes, sometimes, the receptions themselves are at dry locations, so the goal is to get drunk before you get there. When the football stadium banned alcohol, I had to listen to weeks of complaints about how there was no point in going to a game without getting drunk and the elaborate plans to sneak alcohol into the stadium. I've heard constant comments along the line of, "What's a wedding/fair/graduation party if you can't get drunk?" So, it all depends upon cultural norms.

That's my experience. YMMV.

 

[Planogirl]

Family drunks are certainly a pain but what I've seen most often is people getting tipsy when they didn't necessarily mean to. These might be people who normally don't drink and get a bit carried away when they decide to celebrate. Maybe if drinking is normal people aren't as inclined to overindulge though.

 

[bluesaturn]

Am I the only one who would rather have the cash bar but lots of food? I don't fill up on cake and punch. My mother would also be mortified if I didn't have a full meal at my wedding. We are from one of those "feed them til they roll out the door" cultures. A cash bar wouldn't be too much of a problem, but no food and I think there would be a riot.

 

[KimR]

Am I the only one who would rather have the cash bar but lots of food? I don't fill up on cake and punch. My mother would also be mortified if I didn't have a full meal at my wedding. We are from one of those "feed them til they roll out the door" cultures. A cash bar wouldn't be too much of a problem, but no food and I think there would be a riot.

I couldn't care less about the food because I've never been to a wedding where the food was above mediocre quality. Now, people claimed that the food at our wedding was wonderful, but I wouldn't know because I didn't eat a bite of it!

 

[frndshpcptn]

NY metro area person here (again).

Thinking more about it - a dry wedding would most likely be more acceptable than a cash bar. If the wedding is dry, then it's dry. Ok, that's fine if that 's what the couple wants. we'll still go and have a good time!

But, to invite me to your wedding, and for me to give you a gift and probably spend money on hair / nail / dress and THEN ask me to pay for my own drinks at your party on top of all that?? It's actually almost insulting.

 

[MushyMushy]

I most certainly have seen brides on here insulted because a gift didn't cover the cost of the plate! Silly me didn't think to bookmark it, thinking I'd never have to prove it later.

 

[MarkBarbieri]

...
As a guest my guideline is usually at least enough to cover my plate but usually more. That is not a request from the couple. That is my guideline as a guest. That is how I chose to gift the couple.
...

So you base the cost of your gift on the cost of the wedding/reception? I base mine on the relative closeness of my relatoinship with the bride/groom. If I get invited to a niece/nephew's wedding, I'll get a really nice gift. If I get invited as the 250th guest of a coworker, I don't spend so much. It doesn't matter to me what they spent on the show. To me, that's their cost, not mine. I feel no compulsion to cover my cost. If someone wants to throw an elaborate wedding or wants to get married by a JP in the local park, it doesn't bear on what I'm giving them. In fact, it might have the opposite effect because I'll be more likely to spend extra for a couple that needs money rather than for a couple than can afford a big gala.

 

[ICF]

I base mine on the relative closeness of my relatoinship with the bride/groom.

Makes more sense that way to me as well.....it's not my fault if someone decided to go over the top with the reception. Besides, I go to the wedding / reception generally not know why type of reception it is going to be....nor do I care.

Ok, here a situaiton for those that gift like that....

A brother and sister each have a wedding 2 years apart.....

The son marries into a well - to - do family and they have a big lavish wedding full of over the top costs.

The daughter marries a guy from a middle class family that has a much simpler wedding and based on the "cost" it was much less per plate / person then her brother's wedding.

Do you REALLY give the sister more money just because her wedding was more expensive the the brothers? If so, that is just wrong IMO.

 

[fey_spirit]

A question of etiquette.

Is it better to have a dry wedding with no access to alcohol, or to have a cash bar (so long as you make your guests aware of this before hand)?

Here's my thought process:

We don't drink - we don't like to be around those who drink and do not feel that we should have to foot the bill for behavior that we don't approve of.

That said, we're not strict about it (we don't feel the need to scold others for drinking etc.), and we don't know that we're comfortable saying no to alcohol either... so maybe a cash bar would be a meeting of the minds. They could still drink, and we wouldn't have to feel as though we were directly contributing to this.

Or maybe a third option - like BYOB...



ETA - To clarify, we would still offer a variety of non-alcoholic drinks to the guests for free... the only thing that would be cash if we wen't this route is the booze.

 

[Philagoofy]

Do you REALLY give the sister more money just because her wedding was more expensive the the brothers? If so, that is just wrong IMO.

I agree but I think you got this backwards. The brother had the expensive wedding.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

So you base the cost of your gift on the cost of the wedding/reception? I base mine on the relative closeness of my relatoinship with the bride/groom. If I get invited to a niece/nephew's wedding, I'll get a really nice gift. If I get invited as the 250th guest of a coworker, I don't spend so much. It doesn't matter to me what they spent on the show. To me, that's their cost, not mine. I feel no compulsion to cover my cost. If someone wants to throw an elaborate wedding or wants to get married by a JP in the local park, it doesn't bear on what I'm giving them. In fact, it might have the opposite effect because I'll be more likely to spend extra for a couple that needs money rather than for a couple than can afford a big gala.

I have never been to a wedding that was not in a catering hall where I live. They all charge about the same. So yes, I will gift a co-worker that amount. However, if it is close friends or family I will gift them more than that amount. If I go to a wedding in a backyard with hamburgers and hotdogs I would still gift the same amount. Most people give around $300 a couple here. For close family and friends it is more. I have also given gifts to couples that I was friends with that got married at the courthouse and didn't even have a party. I use the cost per plate thing as an example because that is what we use as a guideline over the years as to when to start upping what is in the envelope. Sort of like a COL raise if you will. I am not saying anyone else has to do it that way. That is just the way it is done here. Does every single person do that? No. Do most? Yes.
I think that if you didn't grow up here and spend your whole life going to events like this it is hard to understand. I am not meaning that as nasty. It is just that weddings here are over the top gala events. Even the most toned down casual wedding here will never be a punch and cake party or a cash bar. It is just not something we are accustomed to. I don't think that makes it wrong because that is how we do things. If I came to your area and went to an event I would not make a comment at all if you had a cash bar etc. That is what is acceptable in your area. That is the way that you have always done things. We don't have gift tables here either. Weddings here are pretty much a cash gift. The shower is where we give gifts.
So I think it boils down to regional differences.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Makes more sense that way to me as well.....it's not my fault if someone decided to go over the top with the reception. Besides, I go to the wedding / reception generally not know why type of reception it is going to be....nor do I care.

Ok, here a situaiton for those that gift like that....

A brother and sister each have a wedding 2 years apart.....

The son marries into a well - to - do family and they have a big lavish wedding full of over the top costs.

The daughter marries a guy from a middle class family that has a much simpler wedding and based on the "cost" it was much less per plate / person then her brother's wedding.

Do you REALLY give the sister more money just because her wedding was more expensive the the brothers? If so, that is just wrong IMO.

See my previous answer.

I would give my siblings the same amount of money no matter where they got married.

 

[MushyMushy]

So you base the cost of your gift on the cost of the wedding/reception? I base mine on the relative closeness of my relatoinship with the bride/groom. If I get invited to a niece/nephew's wedding, I'll get a really nice gift. If I get invited as the 250th guest of a coworker, I don't spend so much. It doesn't matter to me what they spent on the show. To me, that's their cost, not mine. I feel no compulsion to cover my cost. If someone wants to throw an elaborate wedding or wants to get married by a JP in the local park, it doesn't bear on what I'm giving them. In fact, it might have the opposite effect because I'll be more likely to spend extra for a couple that needs money rather than for a couple than can afford a big gala.

That's what we do too.

Also, regardless of the closeness of the family member, I can't see spending hundreds of dollars on gifts -- imagine if you're invited to several weddings a year! We go through spells like that, where it'll just be a wedding here or there, and then BOOM! Five weddings in a row. Not to mention buying for birthdays, showers, etc. I'm going broke just thinking about it.

 

[jrmasm]

A question of etiquette.

Is it better to have a dry wedding with no access to alcohol, or to have a cash bar (so long as you make your guests aware of this before hand)?

Here's my thought process:

We don't drink - we don't like to be around those who drink and do not feel that we should have to foot the bill for behavior that we don't approve of.

That said, we're not strict about it (we don't feel the need to scold others for drinking etc.), and we don't know that we're comfortable saying no to alcohol either... so maybe a cash bar would be a meeting of the minds. They could still drink, and we wouldn't have to feel as though we were directly contributing to this.

Or maybe a third option - like BYOB...



ETA - To clarify, we would still offer a variety of non-alcoholic drinks to the guests for free... the only thing that would be cash if we wen't this route is the booze.

When you have a party at your home do you charge for cocktails? Seriously, its the same thing.

If you're uncomfortable serving alcohol then don't.

 

[Alesia]

I most certainly have seen brides on here insulted because a gift didn't cover the cost of the plate! Silly me didn't think to bookmark it, thinking I'd never have to prove it later.

You certainly don't need to prove it to me. I have read (and heard) it from plenty of brides.

 

[Alesia]

A question of etiquette.

Is it better to have a dry wedding with no access to alcohol, or to have a cash bar (so long as you make your guests aware of this before hand)?

Here's my thought process:

We don't drink - we don't like to be around those who drink and do not feel that we should have to foot the bill for behavior that we don't approve of.

That said, we're not strict about it (we don't feel the need to scold others for drinking etc.), and we don't know that we're comfortable saying no to alcohol either... so maybe a cash bar would be a meeting of the minds. They could still drink, and we wouldn't have to feel as though we were directly contributing to this.

Or maybe a third option - like BYOB...



ETA - To clarify, we would still offer a variety of non-alcoholic drinks to the guests for free... the only thing that would be cash if we wen't this route is the booze.

If you're truly asking from an etiquette standpoint, then there isn't any controversy. The rules of etiquitte dictate that you do not charge your guests. Ever. If you can't (or don't want to) provide something, then you don't.