Needs advice from others who have dealt with depression......

[tinkerbell of winter]

First of all this is embarassing.......as a nurse who is 3 classes away from her Nurse Practitioner I know better.....I should see someone about this and I have been thinking more and more about doing so. The first step is the hardest one to take. I am really looking to hear stories from other people who have battled depression and been successful in their fight, I need some motivation.

The background....
I can honestly remember feeling depressed as long as I can remember, I have always held high standards for myself and when I don't live up to those standards I feel like a profound failure. I felt like a failure through grade and high school as I was never the "best" at anything, even though I may have been "good" I wasn't the best. After school I went into the Army which was really the best time in my life. I was married for two years when I was in my very early 20s and I have a daughter from that marriage. That marriage was very traumatic for me as he cheated on me with multiple people and my self confidence has never been the same, that marriage ended 12 years ago and I have not been the same since. I tried dating but that didn't usually work out because I felt self conscious, like I didn't have anything to offer. I got my RN in 2002. In 2004 I met a guy and things were really seemingly going great but in early 2005 he dumped me with no real explanation, just sent me an email, didn't even have the decency to call and explain himself. After that event 5 years ago I decided I didn't want to have the emotional rollercoaster that comes with relationships and that it would probably be better if I just didn't date and remained even with my mood, even if that mood was depression I felt it would be better than the highs and deep lows that come with relationships. I felt I would sacrifice my happiness for what I thought was sanity. After that relationship I decided I would focus all my attention on school and work, going back to school for my Bachelor's in Nursing, achieving a 3.99 and being awarded with the Dean's Medallion, during the last semester of my BSN I began exercising and running a lot, I felt great and lost 40 lbs, even ran a half marathon that year. At that time I had been working nights, and I blamed the fatigue and increased sleep on working nights and going to school full time. I had less time to "think" about my depression. After I took a very stressful day job in 2007 teaching college nursing (the job wasn't stressful, the boss and my main coworker made it that way). I continued on with my studies for my Master's Degree, always thinking that "things will get better when i'm done with my degree". I left that job in 2008 I just couldn't take the stress anymore and went to work for the government, which I enjoy, as much as I can anyway. I have absorbed myself in work and school in an attempt to distract me from thinking negatively. I felt if I was just really busy I would not be bothered by everything wrong in my life. I noticed last fall that I really started having trouble concentrating and getting motivated. This winter I didn't even do my favorite activity once, downhill skiing. That and I have gained 70 lbs since 2008, I actually gained all that weight in 2008 in about a span of 10 months. This again contributed to my feelings of failure and worthlessness. What could I possibly ever offer to anyone, I disgust myself, and I would never ask anyone to accept me the way I am currently, I cannot even accept myself. When orienting to my new school last fall I listened when the counselor was giving a speech about how services were available for counseling and mental health issues. That opened my eyes more so to the possibility that I was having problems, but I still felt I wasn't that "bad off" to get help. That was this past fall. I continue to get excellent grades but I am still having difficulty concentrating and retaining information. The only joy I have, which is dysfunctional joy, occurs when I am eating. My daughter has been acting up horribly lately, she even stole an Ipod, which mortified me and she is going to live with her father for a while as a result of this behavior. So I am at what you would call rock bottom, not really caring about anything that happens to me. I isolate myself socially, I don't seek out companionship because I only feel that I would be a burden to others and that I have really nothing to offer in any social situation.

Some of my thoughts I use to rationalize my feelings include.......
Accepting that there are two types of people in this world, those who will be happy and then the ones who are like me, I have accepted this is my lot in life and it's too bad but I just have to deal with it.
It really saddens me when I see someone full of life come down with a serious illness like cancer, I wish I could take their cancer away and give them life in return, it's not fair to them.
I do feel happiness for other people though, it makes me feel good to see other people enjoying themselves (for the most part), although it does make me envious that they get to experience those emotions that I feel I will never have again.

So thank you if you have read my vent, I would love to hear from anyone who has had success with medications or other kinds of adjunctive therapy. I started on Sam-e again tonight, that seems to help a little bit but then I stop taking it because it costs me about $50 a month. Here is hoping that can get me through this somewhat.

 

[tonilea]

Several years ago, I was really struggling. DH was gone to the police academy, we were struggling with infertility, and several other little things. I wasn't suicidal, but I often thought things like - what if I just don't make this corner? DH would be better off without me.

I started crying while talking to my Mom on the phone. She insisted I see a doctor. My ah-ha moment came while I was talking with my doctor. I said, "You know, I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a husband who loves me, a great family and a job I enjoy." He said, (paraphrased) Depression doesn't have to make sense. People who should be happy and are not are depressed. He gave me an anti-depressant and though it took some time, I was able to wean off the medication after about a year.

A couple years ago, after losing our twins, I felt that same old depression creeping back in (by then I had a beautiful 3 yr old boy, too).... so I quickly went back to the doctor and got a low dose of anti-depressant to keep me from really going under. I didn't have to take it long and it wasn't as much of a struggle. Don't get me wrong, I am still sad when I think about losing my babies - I'm sure I will never get over it, but it isn't depression. Just mourning.

Weight has been a stuggle with me as well. I have never been thin and never really managed to lose a significant amount of weight, but recently I have been slowing losing weight and exercising a lot. The exercise helps a great deal. I feel better and think more clearly.

 

[RNMOM]

I too am a nurse but not nearly as educated or ambitious as you. I too can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't depressed and in the back of my mind considering suicide. I was within a hairs breadth of doing it last week in fact.

For my own life I feel nearly everyone of my siblings and my parents have issues with depression or bipolar disease. Few of us have gotten help. I didn't recognize I needed help until I found myself with my hands around my 5 month old sons neck. Something stopped me and I called all my friends until I found someone to get the boys away from me. My DH was traveling. Fate intervened and I saw a notice for a group for incest survivors. That was me! I went and spent the next 7 years in various group and individual therapies in two different cities. I learned to recognize where my anger originated and how I used it in my life. I also have been on an antidepressant for about 15 years now, the drug has changed a couple times but it has been very helpful.

Depression is something I still can't get rid of. Sometimes it gets worse and other times it is hardly there. I guess the fact that I don't think suicide is such a bad thing for anyone to do puts me in a special catagory too. We nurses get to see some people who have such miserable lives and can fully understand why some of us just don't want to continue to live. I really don't have a bad life. I have a great husband and two sons who could be a little bit more motivated but are pretty good people all in all. It's me. I just have never been able to feel special or important. I don't feel I matter much in the scope of my life. I am now unable to work due to mobility issues and pain from my arthritis and fibro. That isn't so bad as I am not having to deal with all that stuff but my life is very limited. I do need some companionship from other women and just can't get it right now. I do keep my eyes open for opportunities.

I hope you can find a place for all your feelings so you can get on with your life. Talking to a counselor, if you have the right one, can be very helpful. I hope you find peace.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Back in 2007, I went through a time where I was pretty depressed. I really, really wanted to talk to SOMEONE about what I was feeling, but like you, I was embarassed.

For me, my depression was situational.

I had been accepted for hiring by my CURRENT employer, but two weeks after I was accepted, and before I was to start training, they froze all hiring. I was stuck working two dead end jobs to make ends meet, and everyone around me was enjoying the better things life has to offer, and I just felt like my life was going nowhere and nothing mattered anymore. I had really given up on life.

All I did was cry, sleep, yell at my DH (then DF, bless his heart), and feel miserably sorry for myself. It was the absolutely lowest point in my life, and the worst 6 months of my life.

For me, prayer helped. I prayed to God for signs that things were going to be alright. I'd see something that I would take as a sign, and my week would be better. I'd tell myself that, "God wouldn't give me more than I could handle."

Positive reinforcement helped. I read a LOT of quotes on the Internet, and for some reason, those helped me. I'd read them to myself when I felt awful.

Reminding myself what I HAD helped.

On really bad days, crying helped. Throwing laundry in the hamper (washer, dryer, drawer) helped. Punching a couch cushion helped.

I never dabbled in medications, but REALY considered Sam-e.

I was never suicidal per se, but I did have days where I told myself as I fell asleep that I wouldn't care if I didn't wake in the morning. (I was always glad, though, when I DID.)

I hope you feel better and soon.

And as I told myself, "This too shall pass..." And it did. May it for you, too.

 

[n2dzny]

Wow!!

first, I will say that this is a serious situation. I am not a professional of any type in the mental health profession, not gonna pass myself off as one. I have read your story and this is what I would say to a friend in this same situation....so this is girlfriend advice....

I have struggled with depression from time to time as well. I am not currently and (praise God) I haven't in a while. I think that I realized what my problem was and I dealt with the root of the problem. My problem was much like yours in that I would get upset when things didnt work out for me, but those things were unrealistic, I expected the unexpected. I dont want this to be all about me, but I will let you know how I overcame and I think you can too.

I had a BFF that I always compared myself to. (she didnt help, but that is a diff story) I NEVER felt adequate next to her. I also was depressed about my stale dating life, I am overweight, was a struggling student in undergrad & graduate school, yadda yadda yadda. I am not sure how, but one day it just clicked. I realized that I was not created to live a life of misery. I felt like I owed it to myself to try to be happy. I quit comparing myself to others and tried to be the best "me" that I could be. I ticked a lot of ppl off cuz I realized where I had become a doormat for lots of folks, but I had began to value myself more than that. I think that is the key, I began to value myself and have self-worth.

Setting high expectations for yourself is unrealistic, you have to set real, obtainable goals, this will change those feelings of failure into success and you want to maintain that success. It is sad that you do that to yourself, I think that everyone is guilty of that from time to time, but it is harmful to you so you need to make a conscious effort to not do that.

As for the dating and social issues, girl let me tell you, as long as you feel that way, those men are *still* controlling your emotions. They have moved on, they arent thinking of you. You CAN NOT put your self worth in what those men did to you. I assure you, they dont put much stock in how you felt about them... KWIM?? You can not believe that because it didnt work out with those particular men then YOU must be destined to be a relationship failure. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I tell you that being 30 years old and not married. I am dating someone, but I will be honest, I had to become who I am now in order to be able to contribute to a relationship and to be even more honest, I am about to break up with him. When I do, I am in a place where my self-esteem/happiness/self-worth/etc, comes from within, therefore I dont worry that I will lapse into a depression again. I love this guy but I can see that after a year, it is going nowhere or not where I want it to so I am going to break up with him. I am sad, but I will be able to get out of the bed and function; before, that would have been the case.

I guess I am saying all of that to say this. You have to realize that you were not created to be unhappy or depressed. You have a purpose and a destiny and as long as you are depressed, you are being hindered from living out that purpose. Depression is real and there are meds for it. I never took any so I dont know from experience. But I just want you to know that you deserve to be happy.

Your happiness dont come from things or other people. The happiness that things or other people bring us is short lived and will give you a happy mood, but truly being happy comes from within. YOU are in control of your life, dont let those men rob you of your happiness or your daughter of her mother.

Do what it takes, find the root of your depression and address that problem. I bet there are other things that contribute to your unhappiness. Take the time to evaluate yourself, find out what it is and concentrate on that. I had to change my way of thinking....I had to realize that the whole time I am trying to live up to someone, life was passing me by and soon I would be a single 30 year old chasing someone else's life when I had a life of my own to be living. I am happier now than I ever have been in my life. I was thinking today about how things have changed cuz some situations have came up recently that before woulda put me in a depression for a while. When those situations come up, I feel the *ouch*, but that is brief and passing, I instantly think about how blessed I am and how I am living the live that is for Beverly (thats me) not someone else.

I also encourage you to try new things, I did that too and I have things that are "mine" and no one else would "get" but I enjoy them and we all need things we can enjoy.

You can get through this, I have been there. I have cried in my bed for days, not wanting to get out. But PRAISE GOD I ain't there anymore!!! One time, I went in a depression for days because I didnt get a job, guess what I have a better job that I ever thought I would be able to get, MUCH better than the one I was crying about

I am sorry that you are dealing with this, you HAVE to know that you can get through it. Change whatever you have to, do what you have to do, take care of yourself, this is something important that you need to do for yourself.

Things that seem so bad now, expectations that are too high do yourself a favor and look @ them differently. We place such importance on things that honestly, in the grand scheme of life, dont really matter. Take a look @ things and see what changes you can make and Im sure you will see some areas to work on.

I am really sorry and I hope you get better soon. See, NOT professional advice, just hope it makes sense and you are able to get help and see things differently. Most importantly, I hope you begin to see yourself as valuable and destined for great things!!! You are obviously smart and have a lot to offer once you are healed from this and are a whole person, the sky will be the limit for you.

 

[Nette]

It does sound like you have classic clinical depression. I'm not a medical professional either, but I have been there... nearly my whole life.

A few years ago I had a big turning point and I wrote this blog entry: http://jmday.com/?cat=15

Since then I was doing great until I got pregnant... which I really did want, but going off my medications (and my dad dying) really threw me into a new funk. Thankfully the medication I take is considered safe (Category B) in pregnancy, and my OB wrote me a script for a lower dose. I still have a lot of rough days, but that little bit really seems to help take the edge off. I look forward to the days when I'm done nursing the baby so I can go back to my real dose.

Anyway, there is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed because you are depressed. I learned a long time ago that depression is just a part of me. It's like my freckles, it isn't really something that I like about myself, but it does contribute to the overall me. I learned too that I will always have to be medicated, that's just how it is. I don't have a problem with that.

Anyway, I hope that reading my old blog entry will give you some hope. And I hope that you will see a doctor (or counselor) and get this worked out. You can feel happy again. I promise.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just recently have dealt with my dd's anxiety/depression. She is 13.

Your story kind of reminded me of her. She has high goals coupled with the anxiety is a bad combo which will lead into the depression.

She got on meds around a year ago. Right away she felt better. However that did not help her with the anxiety so we got a good counselor who dealt with ped. anxiety well.

The counselor did a lot of "reprogramming" her thinking. She had to work at it and still does everyday. She wants to move forward and not go back to where she was. She has stumbled a bit however it was easier for her to switch back to the "healthy path" this time.

She can still have her high goals but at the same time will have to manage her anxiety in a healthy way to achieve them. Will she always have anxiety? More than likely. It runs in our family so not a surprise. Hers can get pretty extreme to the point of depression.

So, don't be afraid to try and get yourself some help. Go for it.