Need to vent

[Lady Gaga]

Happy Birthday! I turned 60 last year.
By any chance, would he be planning some kind of surprise party for you? And maybe that's why he blew you off this morning?
But - even if he's planning some kind of surprise - that was still very rude of him this morning.
I would most definitely tell him that you are hurt by his behavior - birthdays are very special and deserved to be celebrated!

I truly am sorry that your birthday has been ruined by your husband.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Thank you everybody for all your advice and birthday wishes. I did decide to go shopping and I wasn’t here when he got home. I talked to him. He was actually glad that I said something. He is a good man. Don’t get me wrong. I did however decide that I just didn’t feel like going out to dinner tonight. So instead we’re going to enjoy the pool and I’m definitely going to enjoy some drinks. He’s going to go get dinner. He definitely knows that I don’t cook or wash dishes on my birthday. Thanks again everybody.

 

[cm8]

Thank you everybody for all your advice and birthday wishes. I did decide to go shopping and I wasn’t here when he got home. I talked to him. He was actually glad that I said something. He is a good man. Don’t get me wrong. I did however decide that I just didn’t feel like going out to dinner tonight. So instead we’re going to enjoy the pool and I’m definitely going to enjoy some drinks. He’s going to go get dinner. He definitely knows that I don’t cook or wash dishes on my birthday. Thanks again everybody.

Happy Birthday May it be the first of many in which you put yourself first!

 

[Wendy1985]

First, I want to say happy birthday.

Second, I want to say I'm sorry your DH did this. I can feel your pain.

I think if it were me, I would find something to do and not be home when he gets home. Maybe I would go shopping and buy yourself something nice for my birthday (a Bday present from me to me) or go to a movie that I wanted to see and after get something to eat after. Maybe I would invite a friend or family member to go with me. Also, I wouldn't leave him a note, I just wouldn't be home when he got there. This is what I think I would do.

Bonus if you turn off your phone

 

[punkin]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

I think you missed the point

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I bought a pair of these socks for myself last week, and I am sending some to you virtually. Send me your address and I’ll be happy to send you a pair as a belated birthday gift. For real.



Growing up there was a lot of chaos in my family. Birthdays weren’t really celebrated much other than maybe dinner requests for a certain meal. The man I married has never forgotten one, or our anniversary, or any special moment, etc. Always comes in with an armful of flowers, a special gift he’s ordered weeks before and cutely wrapped, and asks me what I want to do to celebrate. (Jesus, I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my face and a tissue stuffed up my nose for some reason writing this! ) You just deserve so much better!

I saw your post yesterday where you said you‘ve cooked a big homemade meal for your husband every night whether you wanted to or not. (And I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you say you raised two boys, as well.) Between that and what you’ve posted today, I think I am seeing shades of how my mother was treated in her marriage, and I know how sad it made her over a lifetime. She never said or changed anything, either. And I have the feeling, despite all the great posts here, nothing much will really change for you, either, unless you make it happen.

@Bianca and Bernard and a lot of other posters here got it right. You really need to take some of your power back, not just for today, but going forward. Ask your husband how he would feel if you weren’t there any longer. Would he wish he would’ve treated you a little better? There’s no excuse for what happened today, and you have a right to be salty about it. It was a special milestone and should’ve been acknowledged, even with a crappy little McDonald’s breakfast if that was all he could manage. (Coffee and a warm cinnamon bun in bed would’ve been better, but hey.) Maybe tell him you want a re-do this weekend (now that he knows how he hurt you) and see if he can get it right this time.

 

[wvjules]

So today is my 60th birthday. I had mentioned to my husband last week that it would be nice to go out to breakfast and go for a walk on the pier. Yesterday he tells me that him and his brother are going to go visit their mother and then go fishing. My MIL is a very sore subject to everybody in the family because they’ve been taking care of her 24/7 for over 2 1/2 years and she makes the wicked witch of the west look like a saint. But thank goodness she recently finally went into a nursing home about 35 minutes away from us. Anyway, I was surprised to hear that my husband had totally forgotten our plans. What I wasn’t surprised about was the fact that whatever his family wants or needs comes first before me. It’s been that way for over 40 years. He did mention that he would go grab some breakfast for me at McDonald’s before they left though. He didn’t even bother to do that. He just left while I was still in bed. It’s not about forgetting breakfast, it’s that he blew me off…on my birthday no less. He tells me that I’m the most important person in his life but I’m not. That’s why nothing gets done on our house. He’s always helping other people. Usually his family. So now I’m sitting here crying because it hurts. But I’ll shake it off and pretend it never happened by the time he gets home because I won’t want him to feel bad. Thanks for letting me vent.

I just read the OP but MAKE HIM FEEL BAD! He won't know he hurt you unless you tell him!

 

[Kitty 34]

Enough has been said on the DH so OP, just wishing you a Happy Birthday.

 

[Micca]

Happy Birthday! Eat the whole damn cake!

 

[TwoMisfits]

I'm so sorry this happened, and on a milestone birthday no less! But please don't shake it off and pretend it never happened. People need to be held to account for their behavior, and it sounds like you don't do that with your husband. That sends him the message that he can get away with taking advantage of you, or at least being thoughtless towards you, because he gets away with it every time.

Did you remind him of your birthday plans when he announced his plans with his brother? Did you call him when you woke up and there was no McDonald's breakfast waiting for you? Some people are genuinely forgetful...

I don't know you, your husband, or your marriage overall. But I do know that nothing will ever change until you start speaking up for yourself and advocating for your own needs/wants. I'm not saying pick a huge fight, but I am saying please tell him you're hurt and upset, and why. EVERY time he does something like this. And give him frequent reminders of things you think he might forget, so he can do the right thing in the first place. Sending lots of birthday hugs!!

Amen. If my spouse did this to me, he'd know. And he'd know what I thought about being in last place.

Edit to add: I saw the Op's update...and well, I'm glad Op is happy...but...

 

[evilmommie]

Haven't read all of the comments, other that the most important comment...and that is, it's your 60th birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, @luvnwdwgal!!!!

Do something fun and indulgent for yourself! You'll be able to catch up with hubby and let him know the 411 about your feelings...in the meantime...take care of you! Long walk, glass of wine, bubble bath, dinner with friends...JUST DO IT!

Again, HAPPY BDAY! What's your fav kind of cake?

 

[mamamary]

Hope you had a Happy Birthday

 

[mumto3girls]

Thanks for the update, OP. Sounds like a good start, but really your MIL going into a nursing home is a great chance for a fresh start for you and your DH.

 

[Lady Gaga]

Did any of your other family members - son, grandchildren, etc. remember your birthday and do anything special for you?

 

[slo]

Happy Birthday!

I’m showing up late to the thread - I didn’t read all the replies.

There’s no way I would let this go - I’d be just fine having him feel bad - you don’t blow off your wife on her birthday unless it’s an emergency . I’d definitely have a conversation with him about this and then in the future I’d be reminding him a few days before, the day before and right before I went to bed the night before of tomorrow’s plans so he stays on track and doesn’t do something like this again.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Did any of your other family members - son, grandchildren, etc. remember your birthday and do anything special for you?

I FaceTimed with my granddaughters and my son called. We’ll be getting together with them on Sunday.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Thanks for the update, OP. Sounds like a good start, but really your MIL going into a nursing home is a great chance for a fresh start for you and your DH.

I wish it were that simple. My husband’s siblings refuse to have her declared incompetent so if she causes enough trouble, which she’s perfectly capable of doing, then she’ll get thrown out and will have to go back home. The in home care she just had couldn’t even take care of her and lasted only 4 days. Fortunately one of them had connections to the nursing home and got her in but it’s not a done deal. She wants out and wants to go home.

 

[clh2]

I had a Mother’s Day about 20 years ago, that I was so upset that I had to leave church do to an “ugly cry”. not going in to details, the day was salvaged, we enjoyed an art museum, and stopped for pizza on the way home, The exact details of the day never happened again.

i don’t care when my birthday is celebrated, but I do want a tiny celebration with cake. I do not need presents. But I love a good cake. So, I actually order it myself. (it ends up being a busy weekend due to high school grads, weddings and Fathers Day, so has to be ordered a month or two in advance,) we have a nice dinner, maybe burgers, sometimes take out.

Happy Birthday to you. Hope your husband finds time to celebrate you!

 

[easyas123]

My husband’s siblings refuse to have her declared incompetent so if she causes enough trouble, which she’s perfectly capable of doing, then she’ll get thrown out and will have to go back home.

Fine, then perhaps they can welcome her into their home.
Sometimes 'No.' is a complete sentence, remember that. You have every right for peace in your own home, but if you don't insist on it you won't get it.
I hope you had a good day yesterday, and will have a great day on Sunday w/ your family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I wish it were that simple. My husband’s siblings refuse to have her declared incompetent so if she causes enough trouble, which she’s perfectly capable of doing, then she’ll get thrown out and will have to go back home. The in home care she just had couldn’t even take care of her and lasted only 4 days. Fortunately one of them had connections to the nursing home and got her in but it’s not a done deal. She wants out and wants to go home.

Almost everyone who goes into a nursing home wants out and wants to go home. But unfortunately, if she needs skilled care, she needs skilled care. And whether she or her sons want to declare her incompetent or not, if she’s not competent, or, in medical speak, her mental status is altered, then she can’t just leave or get thrown out. What might have to happen, though, is that her family is forced to hire personal aides (possibly round the clock) to keep her behavior under wraps, and that can be pretty expensive. But many people have to do it (including my own family at one time). At any rate, they’re used to dealing with that sort of things so hopefully they should be able to work it out. Wishing all of you peace with that situation.