Need to vent

[BroadwayHermione5]

DO NOT SHAKE IT OFF!

Having been dealing with in law issues in my family on all sides for multiple years, take a stand. It is your birthday-regardless if its a big one or not, your husband should've stayed with you and his brother could've gone by himself. Now if he ends up surprising you thats one thing but that is BS.

I also recommend counseling-both couples and individual. While I am mad at your husband he also seems to be showing signs of classic enmeshed behavior (also wondering if he might be the scapegoat which could be why he went because his brother is the golden child).

Please do try to enjoy the rest of you day-treat yourself! Call a friend to go out with!

Happy Birthday-and know us on the disboards care about you!

 

[RamblingMad]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

We still celebrate birthdays every year, but we got rid of a candle for every year. We stopped that at 41. Our birthday pictures looked like we were blowing out a bonfire. Of course, my significant other didn't like that I added trick candles into her 40th, so she had 35 normal candles and 5 trick ones. It made for some good pics.

 

[ashley0139]

The things women will put up with. It boggles the mind and just makes me so sad. And you don't want HIM to feel bad. He didn't have the same consideration for you.

Please don't just let this go. Sounds like you've been doing that for 40 years. You deserve better.

 

[mrsstats79]

Happy Birthday and I am sorry things did not go as you wanted. Lots of good advice here. But I get not wanting him to feel bad - sometimes it is just easier to let it go and not make things worse. I hope you do something for yourself.

 

[aprilgail]

Do NOT just shake it off- let him know he is inconsiderate and how hurt you are- in the meantime get some of your girlfriends together and go out and celebrate your day! Even if it is just out to eat of for some drinks- go out with friends and celebrate!

 

[jdb in AZ]

I get that he wanted to go see his mom, but couldn't that wait til after your birthday breakfast and walk? Why would a fishing trip with his brother have priority over your birthday?

If you're "into" movies, go enjoy one. If you know of any local restaurants that offer free food for your b-day, go indulge. Life is too short for take-out at McDonald's.

You are NOT a carpet. Don't let him walk all over you.

 

[DLgal]

First of all, Happy 60th Birthday!!

Second of all, you are worthy of better treatment. Either speak up and demand more or move on with your life without him. You have not been given the priority you deserve as his wife.

 

[Meriweather]

Happy birthday
Don't ignore it when he comes home....let him know how you feel. If you blow it off, he won't know it upset you.

Have a great day by yourself (personally, I would be fine with it).
Go to lunch, to a movie, have some cake.....or chocolate or both!! :yes::

 

[RogueX]

Happy birthday and virtual hugs!

 

[MamaBelle4]

Happy birthday!!!

Do NOT shake it off.

I also would not be home, and I would not answer when he called me.

It doesn't matter if you had plans set in stone, it is your birthday. You shouldn't have to ask for acknowledgement. I bet Mom doesn't.

You do whatever would make you happiest. Personally, I'd probably buy a good book or two and spend the day at the beach with a cocktail in my hand.

 

[mumto3girls]

First off—Happy Birthday!!!

But secondly, I felt sad for you reading your post. I think you do need to tell your husband that you were disappointed that he either forgot or disregarded your very reasonable, low key birthday request. And see what he says/does. I think you post fairly often about your nightmare MIL—and now that she is in a home and being taken care of, this is the perfect opportunity for you to set some different standards for your home and your life going forward. Maybe think about what specifically you would want that to look like and then make that happen for you.

 

[lynxstch]

Hugs and----

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Happy birthday @luvnwdwgal


I would absolutely go have myself a day, if I were in your shoes. Bookstore, coffee shop, a very nice lunch...$50 for a burger? Let's add the $15 onion rings on too! Margaritas for lunch? Bring the pitcher! Can't drive now? That's ok...take an Uber! Spa time...get a massage, mani, pedi, facial; new haircut, maybe a color...That taps into the spouse's fishing trip money? Too bad, so sad. Shopping therapy...time for a new wardrobe to go with the new style! oooh, jimmy choos.... Dinner...a very nice $150 per person dinner, with the wine option and prosecco with molten chocolate cake with dessert. Ignoring the spouse's phone calls or texts all day long, natch.

Then there would be a CTJ meeting with the spouse, once I made it home. There would be no more putting me second to his family in any way. Forgetting plans we made? I'll do one reminder, and if he forgets after, then I will be making my own plans from there on out, and using whatever spending money he thinks he has for fishing trips or to buy his mama some slippers, to fund my plans.

But if you have never spoken up, he may not know that this bothers you; that you are just accepting of the status quo. If you have spoken up, and he hasn't responded, it might be time to take it further. Counseling for you, and as a couple might be on the table in the future, if you want things to change.


Reddit has a subreddit called JustNoSO and there are some doozies there. (there's also JustNoMIL, JustNoFamily, and JustNoFIL as well) Some of the stories are very over the top, some clearly fake, but there are some that are pretty real and honest. I've posted on the MIL subreddit myself about my now deceased MIL.

 

[disneyseniors]

OP, I just wanted to wish you a belated Happy Birthday
60 y/o is young compared to me, LOL

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

If that works for you and your family that is great. No sure how that helps the OP as she wanted to do something small with just her husband for a milestone birthday. Her suggestion for breakfast and a walk was something very easy for him to act on and it would have made her happy on her birthday. There is nothing wrong with her being sad because her husband blew her off.

OP, Happy Birthday and definitely go do something nice for yourself. I also agree that you need to let your husband know how sad his actions made you feel. You have gotten great advice in this thread and I hope you follow thru with the suggestions.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Happy Birthday - I hope others come forward with a little love and sweet surprises for you today. Grace and peace - I wish you all well.

Luvnwdwgal .... get yourself up and go and have yourself a day! Go get your breakfast, take your walk, do whatever you want. If he won't give you want you want, make it happen for yourself! Give YOURSELF a happy birthday!

I think if it were me, I would find something to do and not be home when he gets home. Maybe I would go shopping and buy yourself something nice for my birthday (a Bday present from me to me) or go to a movie that I wanted to see and after get something to eat after. Maybe I would invite a friend or family member to go with me.

All of the above! Don't rely on him to salvage your day. (I would leave a note, though.)

And I might not even talk about it tonight (and ruin my carefully salvaged day) but tomorrow seems like a good time for a "These responsibilities in our life have recently changed, and this is how I'd like to build our new patterns" talk.

Keep this in mind:

Did you actually have plans or did you just drop a hint that “you’d like” to do something and hope he would take the hint?

Some people definitely need solid plans, not hints. So do offer to meet him halfway if that's how he thinks. But absolutely ask for what you want! You deserve a voice!! And you deserve for him to explain his decision.

I like what people said above about avoiding blanket characterizations and "always" statements, too. Focus on how you would like to build things from here.

I hope you found something great to do without him! And remember:

Happy Birthday

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

I don't really celebrate my birthday per se. My husband's family def. makes a bigger thing out of birthdays in general. However, since I've been with my husband we spend the time together because to us that is important, even if we're not doing a darn thing different than another night. It's a show of appreciation towards each other, and for the OP her husband's plans show a decidedly lack of appreciation towards her. I'm sure even though you don't celebrate birthdays you get the situation

 

[DisneyJamieCA]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

This isn’t helpful, nor needed, since clearly the OP wanted to celebrate her birthday.

____________

OP, you’ve gotten some excellent advice, so I just echo what they said. But I did want to wish you a Happy Birthday!

 

[AustinTink]

Seems like a great opportunity to go out with your girlfriends and have fun.

 

[anya.sparrow]

Just wanted to say Happy 60th Birthday.