Need to vent

[luvnwdwgal]

So today is my 60th birthday. I had mentioned to my husband last week that it would be nice to go out to breakfast and go for a walk on the pier. Yesterday he tells me that him and his brother are going to go visit their mother and then go fishing. My MIL is a very sore subject to everybody in the family because they’ve been taking care of her 24/7 for over 2 1/2 years and she makes the wicked witch of the west look like a saint. But thank goodness she recently finally went into a nursing home about 35 minutes away from us. Anyway, I was surprised to hear that my husband had totally forgotten our plans. What I wasn’t surprised about was the fact that whatever his family wants or needs comes first before me. It’s been that way for over 40 years. He did mention that he would go grab some breakfast for me at McDonald’s before they left though. He didn’t even bother to do that. He just left while I was still in bed. It’s not about forgetting breakfast, it’s that he blew me off…on my birthday no less. He tells me that I’m the most important person in his life but I’m not. That’s why nothing gets done on our house. He’s always helping other people. Usually his family. So now I’m sitting here crying because it hurts. But I’ll shake it off and pretend it never happened by the time he gets home because I won’t want him to feel bad. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[JLTraveling]

I'm so sorry this happened, and on a milestone birthday no less! But please don't shake it off and pretend it never happened. People need to be held to account for their behavior, and it sounds like you don't do that with your husband. That sends him the message that he can get away with taking advantage of you, or at least being thoughtless towards you, because he gets away with it every time.

Did you remind him of your birthday plans when he announced his plans with his brother? Did you call him when you woke up and there was no McDonald's breakfast waiting for you? Some people are genuinely forgetful...

I don't know you, your husband, or your marriage overall. But I do know that nothing will ever change until you start speaking up for yourself and advocating for your own needs/wants. I'm not saying pick a huge fight, but I am saying please tell him you're hurt and upset, and why. EVERY time he does something like this. And give him frequent reminders of things you think he might forget, so he can do the right thing in the first place. Sending lots of birthday hugs!!

 

[ronandannette]

... So now I’m sitting here crying because it hurts. But I’ll shake it off and pretend it never happened by the time he gets home because I won’t want him to feel bad. Thanks for letting me vent.

Please stop doing this. This is the kind of pattern that results in even the most stalwart people waking up one morning and just saying “I’m not doing this anymore”. You don’t need to attack him or try to punish him but you DO need to find it in yourself to have an honest conversation about the state of things and your feelings about them. This painful thoughtlessness on your birthday is just a bit too much for anyone to swallow graciously, especially in light of the history.

You seem to have been supportive of all it’s taken to meet his family obligations for a long time and undoubtedly he’s under pressure too. But if you have (or want to have) a strong and happy marriage, he needs a wake-up call that priorities NEED to be re-evaluated. How he handles your heart-felt and constructive input will say a lot about the man he really is, but either way, continuing to stuff it is not the answer.

Happy Birthday - I hope others come forward with a little love and sweet surprises for you today. Grace and peace - I wish you all well.

 

[Southernmiss]

Happy Birthday!

Put your thoughts and feelings in writing as a letter to your husband.

A couple of times in our 30 + year marriage I felt like dh wasn't actually listening to me.

I wrote him a letter.

He got it and changed his course.

We can be pushovers sometimes, but only if we permit it.

Pick yourself up, get a shower, dress nicely and go do what you want to do today. Buy yourself flowers or a treat.

You will feel better. Hugs!

 

[easyas123]

So now I’m sitting here crying because it hurts. But I’ll shake it off and pretend it never happened by the time he gets home because I won’t want him to feel bad.

If I may be so forward, perhaps your adoption of this manner of dealing with things like this over the years has contributed to him thinking it's not that big of a deal?

But I do know that nothing will ever change until you start speaking up for yourself and advocating for your own needs/wants. I'm not saying pick a huge fight, but I am saying please tell him you're hurt and upset, and why. EVERY time he does something like this.

Exactly -

Luvnwdwgal .... get yourself up and go and have yourself a day! Go get your breakfast, take your walk, do whatever you want. If he won't give you want you want, make it happen for yourself! Give YOURSELF a happy birthday!

 

[Ms.Minnie]

First, I want to say happy birthday.

Second, I want to say I'm sorry your DH did this. I can feel your pain.

I think if it were me, I would find something to do and not be home when he gets home. Maybe I would go shopping and buy yourself something nice for my birthday (a Bday present from me to me) or go to a movie that I wanted to see and after get something to eat after. Maybe I would invite a friend or family member to go with me. Also, I wouldn't leave him a note, I just wouldn't be home when he got there. This is what I think I would do.

 

[disneychrista]

Did you actually have plans or did you just drop a hint that “you’d like” to do something and hope he would take the hint?

I understand how frustrating it is to have someone put everyone else first. I dated someone like that. He’s say let’s get together on Saturday (no definite plans) and I’d wait around all day for him to call. When he finally did call, he’d apologize or more likely completely forget about our “plans.”

I’m sorry your birthday hasn’t started out the way you were hoping. If it were me, I’d go out to breakfast and to the pier myself and be gone when he gets home.

 

[jujubiee4]

Happy Birthday!

It obviously hasn't started the way you wanted. Go out and do some things for yourself that
will make you happy. Life is short.

Then when you feel up to it bring up the subject with him. First take care of you FIRST.

 

[nw6675]

Happy Birthday!!

A couple of things that came to mind -

1. We can't change anyone else. We can only change ourselves and how we respond and react to others. That does not mean blaming ourselves for how another treats us. Just ask yourself - do I want to accept this behavior and if not, what steps can I take to help communicate and address the issue?

2. Do not necessarily say "you" when addressing it so that the other does not feel attacked and don't use absolutes like "always" and "never". Instead of, "You never put me before your mother," maybe it is "I do not feel special when we do not spend time together on my birthday."

Those are about the only two things I have taken away from therapy. Lol!

Hugs, OP!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Birthdays are more amped up with my husband's family but to him and I they aren't that big of a deal in a sense that we don't normally have something big or grand planned. Like I told people here in 2020 I was ecstatic to get a shredder for my birthday from my husband, this year he got me a DNA kit for our cat because I had been saying for several years I would love to get one.

That said though he nor I would ever plan something like your husband did because while birthdays aren't a big deal, birthdays are still something to celebrate a person, we may stay at home cooking a meal or go to a restaurant without big fanfare but it's still a chance for us to do something together.

I'm so sorry, I feel for you although I suspect this has been the case for many years. It's not fair to you. It's a bit sad that we feel like we have to remind spouses, especially husbands often, about plans like this, it feels like a pass is being given for inability to be conscientious of others besides ourselves. Sure you forgot a random plan, but you should be able to hold people accountable for some things. Like yeah my husband may forget we had decided to go to the movies in a few days, he doesn't forget it's my birthday and we had plans going on nor would I excuse that from him, nor he to me if that were to ever happen.

End question--how do you normally spend your birthday? how do you normally spend his birthday?

 

[sk!mom]

First of all, I'm so sorry that your birthday is off to such a disappointing start.

Second, please get dressed and head out to make it a better day. Don't be alone at home. If it was me, I would not be home when he returned. I'd be at the nail salon when they open for a mani, pedi, and mimosa. I'd also call the salon to book a blow out. I'm not a facial or massage girl, but if you are see if you can book one last minute. I'd also send out a text right now to every friend/family member to see who was available for a birthday lunch or happy hour. I'm not a shopper but if you are, that's an option too.

Finally after the best day you can put together, please let your DH know how you felt. We teach people how to treat us. I agree to keep it with "I" statements- "I felt sad that there were no birthday plans." "I know that mom care has been consuming but now that she's safe, I'd like to work on our relationship." Just don't be silent.

 

[Mysterian]

So much great advice has already been given, I just wanted to say: Happy Birthday, @luvnwdwgal!
Despite the gloomy start, there's still time left in the day to do something enjoyable for yourself.

 

[1420Elexismc]

All the above advice is great...I can imagine this was a disappointing start to such an important day. Go spoil yourself a bit today and have a "me" day. Happiest of Birthdays and I hope things get better for you as the day goes on!

 

[loves to dive]

I agree with others, go have yourself a good day and then when he gets home, tell him he hurt you by not even acknowledging it was your birthday. The "I don't want him to feel bad" bothers me. Did he make you feel bad? Obviously so. Relationships are not easy and after almost 30 years, I've learned which fights are worth fighting and which fights are worth just letting go. Only you know your relationship but it sounds like it's more one sided then a relationship.

Like others have said, we don't celebrate birthdays any more. Both hubby and I are fortunate enough if we want something we just go get it. However, had we made plans, I would expect those to be honored. It was his birthday Sunday and he said he wanted to invite my son and his family and grill steaks. (not his son) So on his birthday he cooked his own meal but it was what he wanted. On my last birthday in April, I'm pretty sure he told me happy birthday that morning. A week before I had requested a german choc. cake because it's my favorite. He doesn't cook them often because they are huge and make a big mess, which I have to clean up. But he did do one a few days before my birthday. It helps that he likes them too. It was my 65th by the way. On my 60th I was supposed to have lunch with my son but it was a rainy yucky day so I actually cancelled it myself.

 

[tvguy]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

 

[sk!mom]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

That’s fine. But the issue here is that there was a desire to do something. Actually something very small. She didn’t ask him to plan a party with 50 people.

 

[RamblingMad]

Let me give you some bad advice since everyone is giving you good advice.

It's not too late for a grey divorce. One of my friends got divorced at 62. She couldn't put up with her husband any longer. He didn't want to travel. She wanted to travel, but he didn't want her to go without him. She couldn't put up with it any longer. Once menopause hit, she snapped and divorced him.

 

[tvguy]

That’s fine. But the issue here is that there was a desire to do something. Actually something very small. She didn’t ask him to plan a party with 50 people.

LOL if you say so.

 

[barkley]

So today is my 60th birthday. I had mentioned to my husband last week that it would be nice to go out to breakfast and go for a walk on the pier. Yesterday he tells me that him and his brother are going to go visit their mother and then go fishing. My MIL is a very sore subject to everybody in the family because they’ve been taking care of her 24/7 for over 2 1/2 years and she makes the wicked witch of the west look like a saint. But thank goodness she recently finally went into a nursing home about 35 minutes away from us. Anyway, I was surprised to hear that my husband had totally forgotten our plans. What I wasn’t surprised about was the fact that whatever his family wants or needs comes first before me. It’s been that way for over 40 years. He did mention that he would go grab some breakfast for me at McDonald’s before they left though. He didn’t even bother to do that. He just left while I was still in bed. It’s not about forgetting breakfast, it’s that he blew me off…on my birthday no less. He tells me that I’m the most important person in his life but I’m not. That’s why nothing gets done on our house. He’s always helping other people. Usually his family. So now I’m sitting here crying because it hurts. But I’ll shake it off and pretend it never happened by the time he gets home because I won’t want him to feel bad. Thanks for letting me vent.

first-happy birthday!!!!

second-i'm sorry, i completely understand what you are experiencing having experienced it repeated times as an adult on special days related to both my birth and being a mom. that said-i totally understand your not wanting to make your dh 'feel bad'. i fall into that habit too b/c the action of making someone else 'feel bad' makes me feel 10x worse (the whole 2 wrongs don't make a right mentality along with a dollop of guilt on my own part about 'other people have it much worse, what makes me think i'm so deserving of this... ). if talking to him will make you feel worse don't put yourself through it-at least not today. do something for yourself that will improve your mood. i think i also like the idea as others have mentioned of maybe not being at home when your h arrives back. maybe go out and do something followed by a meal. do feel good thing for yourself (and if need be just let phone calls from anyone who might be calling to wish you a happy birthday just go to voice mail b/c i know for me it's doubly painful to have to dance around the inevitable 'so what are you and such and such doing for your special day, did such and such get you a special gift today'). happy birthday-i'll be thinking of you on your special day!!!

 

[Carol_]

Yup, I am in the "don't celebrate birthdays anymore" club. Stopped at about 40.

I meant to start back up soon but I just get too busy.

OP: Sorry about your disappointment. I agree that ignoring it isn’t the answer, and getting worked up about it isn’t the answer either. Just let hubby know about the disappointment, and the hurt feelings, and reschedule. Give him the chance to hear you and fix it.