Need serious advice (long_)

[minnie1928]

But I want an equal. How is that wrong?

Nothing is wrong with wanting a partner...two equal members of a relationship. But if you are wrapped up completely in the finance of the relationship it sounds like you are looking at a business partner, not a life partner.

To me, it sounds like you don't want to get married...so don't. I don't mean to sound cruel, really I don't. But it seems to me that your responses/comments are answering the question you originally asked. You don't want this.

 

[wdwfan16]

I don't own the condo I live in. My roommate does and will not have me and my husband living here. My roommate bought the place last year and wants me gone asap. I'm lucky that my roommate has cut me so many breaks and lets FI stay here 3 nights a week.

So where would you go if you did not get married?

 

[JillandFamily]

In all honesty it is difficult to offer advice on such a personal matter. This is not like a budget, planing a trip to Disney or finding a way to save money....which are universal items on this board. Matters of the Heart are individual and without knowing you and him it is very difficult. However, marriage is the most important decision that a human makes. Make your decision wisely. And from reading your thoughts and concerns at this point....it does sound like you really have made your decision already. Trust your heart. Trust yourself. Marriage is wonderful when both enter through the same door and the path is going to the same destination. Different doors, different paths, leads to divorce, and possible financial turmoil...............I wish you all the best!

I totally agree with this! If I could also agree with a previous poster....go get a copy of Dave Ramseys book you could rent it from a local library too.
Good luck with everything1

 

[bumbershoot]

Thanks. I know I should be doing that, it's just hard for me to pay only mins. It's just like a mental block I have to get over. I've always paid more than the min.

It's jsut a short term thing. You're just moving money around to get out from under a few in a really short amount of time. What you're doing is maximizing the time and interest for them. So just pay minimums on the higher ones *temporarily*, get 2 or 3 GONE, and then you'll have what you were putting towards those other ones to go to the bigger ones! It's just a temp measure.

Unless you realize you enjoy doing it, then you continue it...pay the minimums to all but one, and smash that one down to nothing...then move to the next. But don't think about that now. Just get those little ones gone.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I wouldn't enter into a marriage with someone in bad financial shape. You already resent his financial position so you must know your answer.

However, why does it have to be all or none? Can't you stay together even if you aren't married? I'm not being snarky, either. If you love each other, just don't get married but stay together, each financially independent.

If you marry him, you'll be taking on that debt, too.

I agree with this. I would not marry him until every last financial problem was settled. You can stay together, live together, but keep your finances separate. One of you will need to have a good credit rating when you finally can be married, there is no use in yours going down the tubes, too. Not trying to be cold, but I think you probably already know this and you are hurting so much because of it.

You are wise to keep your focus of the financial part of of a pending marriage. Money is the #1 cause of divorce. Why go into a marriage with that hanging over your head?

good luck to you, I wish you all the best.

 

[IDoDis]

My gut feeling is to tell you to NOT get married. You will feel the financial burn each and every time you pay your bills and you will grow to resent your future husband. Now, if you truly truly loved the man like you say you do, money would not be an issue, so that's where the doubt comes in. Yes, you want to be secure with your finances, but you have some debt yourself and are not really paying those off wisely. You are paying $20 a month on a $200 credit card bill???? How smart is that? Pay the darn thing off and then hit the next card and do the same thing. Postpone the wedding for a year and use that money to pay off some of your cards. Once you have some extra cash flow each month, you will feel better about marriage.

Don't rush into a marriage only to find yourself divorced a year or two later. If this is the man you love, then you can both wait a year or two for the wedding.

If I were you, I'd set my sights on getting that $13K loan payed off, pronto. Do whatever it takes within the next two years and pay that puppy off. Don't say it can't be done, because it can. You can find a second job flipping burgers if you have to. People have done it in the past, and so can you if this marriage is what you really want. If you used every bit of that 2nd job (even at minimum wage) to pay off your debts, you would be in much better shape in a year or two. True love can wait.

BTW, I was in a situation with an unexpected debt came up that was hidden from me. By the time I found out, the debt had grown to over 8K. Back then, our two incomes combined is what you are making by yourself right now. We both took on a second job on top of our careers and got the debt paid off completely in 9 months. So, it can be done.

Now as far as this "neighbor" sueing several of the other neighbors -- I'm skeptical of that story. It could be a stall tactic that your FI is feeding you so that he doesn't have to walk away from the house. Again, if I were you, I'd be getting details about this lawsuit and doing some research online. All court records can be found online via your state's court website. If your FI was named in a lawsuit, you would be able to find the info. Try googling the name of your state with the words "courts" after it and go from there.

 

[deerhart]

just an FYI, bankruptcy will deal with the neighbors lawsuit as well, unless it is a fraud claim (and even then neighbor has to go into the bankruptcy to file the claim) and usually those fraud claims settle in a chapter 13 for less then $10k (to be paid over the 5 years).

To many people find themselves upside with their houses and in situations where they need to get rid of the house. Your guy needs to make the decision on whether he's going to take care of himself and his problems or if he's going to take care of his brothers.

Bankruptcy stinks, but sometimes it is the only way out. You do survive it and can really put yourself back on the right path. I see similar situations you have described every day (I do a ton of divorce work) and have heard all the excuses from people on why they can't file or can't sell their homes and it's really them not thinking logically. They are being driven by emotion and the idea that the other shoe will never drop.

 

[jlima]

Sit down with a free legal aid service and hash this out. If your Fiancee walks away from his house, what are the ramifications, esp. with the neighbor's lawsuit? The hit on his credit? If he just quitclaims his share to his brothers? He needs to move on with his life too. Turn it around. What if one of his brothers wanted out, and walked away from the house? What would your fiancee do? Can you find a place to live with what he was paying for his share of the mortgage and what you're paying in rent? Finally, ask the Dear Abby question. Are you better off with him or without him? Good luck in whatever you do.

 

[zumbergc]

Sounds like you just need to wait a few years to see how this financial problems get resolved. That is if you want to wait, and put more time into this relationship, or just get out now. You may want to talk to other members of the family and find out their view on the house situation, what his role is with his brothers and what this issue is with the law suit. Some people would walk away, others will never walk away from their brothers. May turn out they would be with you for 10+ years, a friend had that happen.

If you agree to get married, and you already sound resentful, it will only magnify and get worse. Its better to just move in together, move on, or leave things like they are.

 

[deerhart]

Now as far as this "neighbor" sueing several of the other neighbors -- I'm skeptical of that story. It could be a stall tactic that your FI is feeding you so that he doesn't have to walk away from the house. Again, if I were you, I'd be getting details about this lawsuit and doing some research online. All court records can be found online via your state's court website. If your FI was named in a lawsuit, you would be able to find the info. Try googling the name of your state with the words "courts" after it and go from there.

Not all states have their court dockets online. It just depends on the state. Also some states its broken down by county and some counties are online and some aren't.

But it is important to remember that court dockets are public record and if you know the name of the party, place filed, and the year filed they can pull the court file for you (and reading the petition tells you alot about the case). Further, he should have a copy of the petition (or did at some point if he didn't give it to the lawyer representing him IF he has one)

 

[Mathfailure]

My advice is not to get married.

What you have always wanted is not what you are seeing now in this man.

That will not change, and you will resent the loss of your dreams and of the person you see yourself as...and that will not end well.

Leave this relationship, and start looking again for a person who truly has the same focus you have.

The fact you are having these serious doubts, should shout out to you...face the facts and end this.

 

[NHdisneylover]

To answer a few of the questions.

It is important to me to be married. I'm not comfortable just living with someone or just dating forever. I would like this, ideally before I am 35. I'm not getting any younger and I want to start building a life with someone while I am still young enough to be working, traveling and able to put money away for retirement.

I have suggested FI just walk away. I am the LAST person who would ever tell someone to trash their credit. But his house situation is very dire. But he refuses to walk away because it would hurt his brothers. None of the 3 of them can afford even 1/2 the house on their own.

They are also afraid that if they just let it foreclose, they will end up owning the bank for the lawsuit.

I know very little about it. I try to stay uninvolved in the house since it is not my house and his brothers do not want my say. I suspect they do not want to move out as bad.


I think I have to just start coming to grips with the fact that I have to choose between the life I wanted or the man I wanted to share that life with.

It's just not fair.

This is NOT the attitude to take. If you get married, it will be your house--instantly. It will be as mcuh yours as your husbands from what I understand of Mass. law. it is in ALL of your interests to be sure you fully understand what you are getting into and to already have a plan in place that wors for ALL the homeonwers. I can see having stayed out of it when you were just dating (that would be the right thing to do), but with a wedding appraoching it is a different ballgame and you MUST know all the nitty gritty detials about this (and the lawsuit--I am with others that it just doesn't make sense with what you post and you NEED to know what is going on there as well. You need to see the court papers and not just trust what anyone says as well)

It is a huge bummer that he's choosing his brothers over you...family is so important, but the person you are choosing to marry really should take precedence. In my opinion, at least...if it isn't what HE believes, that's a big huge important thing to know! Because if YOU feel that the family you choose to make is #1, but he feels that the family you come from is #1, that's going to be a difference that rears its ugly big head throughout your lives...

In all honesty, it sounds to me like neither of you is ready to be married. Neither of you sounds like you want a partnership at all. You want everything the way you have planned it out since long before you knew your fiance, and your fiance wants everything to stay status quo except adding you and him living together to the picture but having you do all the work to make that possible. I don't envy you (either of you) your position and I do hope you can make a decision which is truly the best thing for you both.

 

[Katy Belle]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

I personally do not know too many women who would enter into a marriage knowing that they will have to give up all of their dreams. It's one thing if this nonsense with the law suit had all come up after we were married. But we aren't married yet and FI realizes that there is still a chance for me to avoid being caught up in a horrendous life.

After reading the above post, I think you should call off the wedding If you really feel that the life with him will be horrendous, and the end of your dreams... then to be fair to him as well as yourself, don't get married. He may find someone willing to love him and start at the bottom financially together and work their way up.

Good luck to you.
Katy

 

[Lisa_M]

Um, no. I was not planning to get married to increase my income. If I was planning that, I would have sought a man who made more than I do. What a joke.

But I want an equal. How is that wrong?

I have debts that are old, and will be gone in 2 years. As a single person living with a roommate (pretty common around here where rents for a 1 BR are 800+ a month) I have over $600 a month left over after paying more than the mins on my cc's and loans to save or enjoy life. At the moment, my life is actually pretty sweet. I could get my own studio apt. now if I wanted to and if I don't get married, I probably will.

What worries me is the far off future. It's not like when we are 40 and his house is finally gone and his suit debt is paid off we will then be able to go buy a house and live a life. During the time leading up to that we will have NO money to save. None. Nothing.

I think you should call off the wedding too. I don't think you are realistically looking at what marriage is. For better OR worse. It's not always roses. However, at the very least I would postpone the wedding until this lawsuit is decided on.

When I got married, DH was bringing in almost all of the income since I was still in school and then for a short period, we both were bringing home a good salary and now he is partially unemployed, so I'm basically supporting the household financially.

Things in life aren't always equal. Even if they were at the beginning there is no guarantee that they will stay the same.

You can keep looking for Mr. Total Benefits Package, but there is no guarantee that he will always be employed in that lucrative job or won't get sick or hurt or the same for you.

There is nothing wrong with being in your 30's and being single.

 

[happymommy]

Just wanted to offer another

I was engaged to someone (not my DH) for a short time, and realized it wasn't right. My situation was not the same as yours, as I was just graduated and really scared about where my life would head. I just wanted direction, and the guy honestly just wanted the same thing, as I know he and I both didn't really love each other (he met someone that following December and was married in February from what I heard later, so I was glad I broke it off). The breaking it off and returning the ring to him (I wouldn't want to keep it) was hard. I have a dear friend (actually after this occurred we became really really good friends!) who was the priest at a church we used to go to growing up. I knew he could give good advice, so I met with him and laid it all out. He told me that I was only responsible for my actions, not others' feelings (I was worried about hurting the guy's feelings for breaking off the engagement, plus I loved his mom dearly and knew I'd miss her). He said the best thing would be to write it all down in a letter, so that is what I did. Then, I sent the letter and the ring to him (we were 100 miles apart at the time). After he read the letter, we met at a McDonald's to talk (my friend the priest suggested a public place). We talked about it, he tried to talk me out of breaking off, and I said we needed a month of not speaking so we could both figure things out (another great suggestion). During that month, things became crystal clear to me! We spoke a month later, and I felt like a weight was off my shoulders! It was such a hard month, hard thing to do, but when I felt that weight lifted, I knew I had made the right decision.

I did for a while miss the friendship and companionship of the guy, but refused to date or see him again. That was hard, as he thought we could still date. I knew in the back of his mind, he would always want to pursue marriage, and I decided not to marry him, so it would never be a good idea. Hope this makes sense!


I hope my little story may help a bit. Maybe you have someone you can talk to about this decision. I was a lot younger than you are (ten years younger). I did want kids, but that is beside the point. It sounds like you have to sort out whether this is the right decision. Maybe compose a letter to him, then you don't have to send it. You can just read it, and see for yourself how you feel. I did think that after my decision, the time period where we didn't talk was the best for us to sort things out (or for me, as he still was wanting to get married).

Good luck with the decision. I hope you can find someone to talk to - like do you have a church or temple? Religious leaders are sometimes trained to help us think these things through (my friend was, as he also ran the stress unit at a hospital, so he counseled a lot of folks). The best thing about my situation is that the priest and I became such good friends, and he ended up performing my wedding 2 years later, baptized my husband 3 years after that, baptized my two kids, and we go on family vacations together and he's like an uncle to my kids. When life shuts a door, there is always a window that opens up... Maybe if you decide to call off this wedding, a new opportunity will open for you.

Wishing you many blessings, dear!

 

[luvsJack]

I think you should call off the wedding too. I don't think you are realistically looking at what marriage is. For better OR worse. It's not always roses. However, at the very least I would postpone the wedding until this lawsuit is decided on.

When I got married, DH was bringing in almost all of the income since I was still in school and then for a short period, we both were bringing home a good salary and now he is partially unemployed, so I'm basically supporting the household financially.

Things in life aren't always equal. Even if they were at the beginning there is no guarantee that they will stay the same.

You can keep looking for Mr. Total Benefits Package, but there is no guarantee that he will always be employed in that lucrative job or won't get sick or hurt or the same for you.

There is nothing wrong with being in your 30's and being single.

I totally agree with this.

OP, you have two problems here. One is what you expect from a relationship and the other is financial.

Get the Dave Ramsey book, but do it to help YOU and your finances. While you are at it maybe you can find a self-help book with relationships.

Different people expect different things from a marriage and a partner. Have the two of you even discussed what you expect from it?

For instance, the idea that he is choosing his brothers over you. Maybe he doesn't see it that way. He grew up with these men and they are his family, maybe even his best friends? Maybe he just thinks that whatever happens with this house should be a group decision. If he doesn't see it as making you do without something in order for him to be there for his brothers, then he probably doesn't see the choosing bit. TALK TO THE MAN about it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You shouldn't be getting married until you resolve somethings within yourself. Yes this finiancial mess is a pain but listen to yourself. You are some big kind of bitter.

You have said repeatedly on other threads you couldn't afford children so won't be having them. You've talked about how your area of the country is so expensive that your quality of life isn't that great.

So my question is are you going to be happy without him and still not having the life you dream of? I know you said you have an extra $500 or so a month leftover and still all this debt. Why are you not using that leftover money for the debt even just the tiny amounts and get it done. It's one less thing you have to deal with each month and it makes your credit score look decent.

Marriage is about wanting to ride out the good and the bad. All you are thinking about is what you are giving up. Do you think your financee feels the same way? What would he be giving up by marrying you? You've already been with this guy for 2 years. You want him to pick you over his family possible cutting all ties with his brothers by doing this. That is alot to ask from someone.

You need some seperation time. Get yourself together and really think about what is important in your life. Traveling the world is all fine and dandy but I'd rather walk down the sidewalk to the grocery store with my husband than travel the world alone. Figure out what you need and want in a relationship and what you are bringing to the table. It's not fair to either of you to keep going like this the way you are feeling.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

If you have even one doubt in your head, I would advise you to NOT get married. Instead, just live together.

Money is the #1 reason a marriage will end. You might think love makes up for everything else, but honestly, it won't. You are already going into this feeling as if you are being taken advantage of. Those feelings will multiply every time something bad comes up. Trust me, I have been there...

You might feel as if you are so invested in your relationship right now, you won't find someone else. You might be willing to settle because you don't want to face uncertainty. Guess what? You deserve the very best, especially if it is for the rest of your life. And you will find what you need if you keep looking!!!

 

[semo233]

I'll make this short and sweet
1. If you are having ANY doubts about marriage, at least postpost to alleviate your concerns or decide that this is not what you want.
2. I can't help but wonder if he is just not adept at handling money and it will always be an issue for him. If it is just a situation of a bad investment and his brothers are making things difficult for him, then he needs to persue the suggestions made here on the board. If you see him making efforts and not just putting on a good show for you, then it is simply a hurdle to get over.
3. It sounds to me like you already know the answer to your immediate problem.
4. You never mention if your fiance has the same dreams and goals as you do. Remember dreams and goals change over a lifetime. If you were in an accident or had health issuesand had to postpone or cancell travel, what else would you do or what other goals would you set? If you focus only on that goal and ignore the other areas of your life that can bring you joy, you will lose out in the end...and so will your marriage.
5. Is he totally open and honest about his finances? If he skirts the issue or won't share any records with you, run.
6. Marriage is about compromise and if you cannot find a way to compromise on your standards, dreams or timeframe, then this marriage will not work.

You are in my prayers. Sometimes good decisions are the hardest.
If this all happened after you got married, what would you have done? If divorce is even a thought in your head, don't get married now.

 

[nunzia]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

I personally do not know too many women who would enter into a marriage knowing that they will have to give up all of their dreams. It's one thing if this nonsense with the law suit had all come up after we were married. But we aren't married yet and FI realizes that there is still a chance for me to avoid being caught up in a horrendous life.

It really doesn't sound like you can go into this with a positive addtitude and I sure don't blame you. I would sy run to a financial and pre marriage counselor before you do anything.