Need serious advice (long_)

[Wish I lived in Fl]

My Father and his Sweetheart (met long after my parents divorced) lived together over 25 years but never married because he had a lot of debt, back taxes etc and she owned some rental properties. But Dad did split half the current living expenses with his girlfriend. When he died the debt died with him because his net worth was negative. Minimal bank account, minimal personal property and 60k+ in credit card debt.

 

[bumbershoot]

Why not on your 13.4 loan take 2 months of extra payment there and get rid of the Best Buy card and do the same with the Capital One card and then your free to work on paying the others off and not be paying addl interest or risk late fees etc. Anyway, I know that's not what you wanted advice on but I would consider that anyhow.



As for them letting the house foreclose and then owing the bank the money for the lawsuit... if they pay for the next 4 years into it they may still owe for the lawsuit and have paid for years into a house that may never recoup its value. I would suck it up, walk away, and if you end up owing for the lawsuit so be it. And yes in MA if you are married you assume your spouses debts, end up responsible for their child support/alimony etc... so you will inherit this issue if you choose to move forward as planned at this time.

As for being uninvolved, if you are about to marry this you you NEED to be involved. You will inherit the house and related issues, you need full disclosure about what's going on. If your FI isn't open enough with you to have these discussions or you two can't really map out what the financial future will hold then I wouldn't be willing to attach my name to all of his issues.

Good luck!!

I agree with all of that!



Your FH gets bonus points for being up front with you about all of this.

But I definitely don't think you should go forth with the wedding right now. There's too much unknown.


When my brother started a serious relationship with the woman who is now his wife, she had all sorts of credit card debt. When he knew they would be together forever, he helped her get rid of it. He took charge and helped her get the debt out of her life.

So I think, if you love him, and you have a better financial head on your shoulders, you should get involved to the extent where you can give him good, knowledgeable, advice on all of this.

They absolutely need to seek out a lawyer to find out all the what ifs! They NEED to know if they would have the bank come after them after the lawsuit. YOU need to know what on earth this lawsuit is all about! My dad was in a lawsuit situation with a neighbor (this house isn't in the mountains near Santa Cruz, CA, is it? lol), so I get that neighbors can sue neighbors, but the whole neighborhood? Sounds a bit strange.

You need to find out if debts he brings into the marriage become yours, in your state, legally, and if they can legally come after your money that you bring to the relationship in order to pay his stuff. It's possible that this can't happen in your state. YOu need to KNOW.

So a lawyer is very necessary right now. I'd hate for you to make a huge decision, only to find out 5 years down the line that it wasn't necessary b/c you would have been protected.


It is a huge bummer that he's choosing his brothers over you...family is so important, but the person you are choosing to marry really should take precedence. In my opinion, at least...if it isn't what HE believes, that's a big huge important thing to know! Because if YOU feel that the family you choose to make is #1, but he feels that the family you come from is #1, that's going to be a difference that rears its ugly big head throughout your lives...


So I'd just postpone right now. Seek legal advice and get those questions answered. Make decisions based on actual knowledge.

And pay off that Best Buy and Capital One! No need to hang onto those!

 

[sk!mom]

I'd postpone it for now until things settle down. You don't want to go into a marriage that starts off on the wrong foot. You can always get married later....as long as you love each other you will always have each other.

I agree...Continue as you are with you paying down your debt and him taking care of his. If you do not want children, then I see no reason to be in a hurry to get married. Let him sort out his financial situation before you mix yours with his.

 

[quentina]

Marriage is about compromise. If you are not willing to accept what will come your way, then no, you should not get married. It would not be fair to either of you to enter a marriage with resentment. At that point, the writing is already on the wall and I imagine the marriage would be short lived.

I think most of us can say that we didn't fully get all of our dreams (I want to marry Brad Pitt, instead I married an amazing, unfamous, non-rich guy).

We get to travel (yes, we save for it), have amazing kids, an Ok house in a nice area and most important, we love each other.

Do I wish we had millions in the bank and traveled the world....absolutley. Everyone at some point in their life wishes this.

The question I have for you is are you happy? Will you continue to be happy with your fiance? Can and will you accept what comes your way.....for better or worse....for richer or poorer etc????

I think it is time to have a heart to heart with your fiance. Clear the air and express your feelings. I truly hope it all works out and you find the answers you are seeking.

 

[disneymarie]

I wouldn't enter into a marriage with someone in bad financial shape. You already resent his financial position so you must know your answer.

However, why does it have to be all or none? Can't you stay together even if you aren't married? I'm not being snarky, either. If you love each other, just don't get married but stay together, each financially independent.

If you marry him, you'll be taking on that debt, too.

I agree. Marriage is a lot of work, you are already losing instead of gaining quality of life by marrying.

Sounds like you do not need the marriage emotionally or financially.
Make him start wearing the pants, find financial counseling advice until then, postpone the wedding.

You did not want a spouse with children issues and money to them, this is WORSE, these are grown men that had control over their decisions, not helpless children brought into the world by this man.
Something is far from good about this,

 

[poohfriend]

Have him sign over his share of the house to his brothers and get that albatross off his back. No sense spending good money after bad.

What is the lawsuit over and what chances it will be thrown out?

From a financial standpoint, there is NO WAY I would tie myself to this man.

You've been okay with living part time with him for this long...I'd either make the decision to continue that or find someone who really is your DREAM man. YOU are NOT on the same page right now...please don't start your married life that way. Marriage is hard...for better or worse and all that ...it's still hard.

These brothers are co-dependent. If he doesn't love you enough to give them up and let THEM figure out how to live each month....then you'll most likely face more dissapointments down the road. The lawsuit seems fishy too.

If it were me, I'd determine today that I wasn't going to get married to his debts until there was a clear-cut future you AGREE to in paying them off. Honestly it sounds like he has some emotional issues i'd want him to work out with his brothers before I'd continue the relationship at all. But you are the one emotionally and physically in this place.

Best wishes and . Prayers that this yucky spot in life will become one of those HUGE blessings!

 

[neatokimmo]

You can't live happily with someone who doesn't have the same expectations for the future as you do.

It's fun to dream about what you can do once your finances are taken care of (btw, your interest rates are horrible, have you tried to transfer your balances?). You can't make someone do anything, especially when it concerns family or money.

I'd tell him, here are my dream, here are my goals. Can you come with me and partner me? You don't want to be stuck with a guy you'll have to financially babysit.

 

[ceecee]

I'd postpone it for now until things settle down. You don't want to go into a marriage that starts off on the wrong foot. You can always get married later....as long as you love each other you will always have each other.

A lot of baggage with that one, you may want to reconsider. At least wait until you find out about the lawsuit. Maybe you would always resent paying more of the bills, I'm assuming he is not making a lot of $. WAIT WAIT WAIT, just keep dating him if you can't get past all the things going on. Wait until the lawsuit is settled and the house is sold. You really don't want to live in an unsafe enviroment.

 

[3boymthr]

I so totally don't get how someone sues the whole neighborhood, unless it's NOT related to the house itself and FI does not want to own up to this.

Really, it sounds to me like you should NOT marry him. You sound like you bitterly resent the idea of not being able to travel because of his debt which might potentially become your debt. And you will end up owing what he owes because in MA both assets and debt are jointly owned in a marriage.

 

[NeedHelpPls]

It sounds like all the brothers need to walk away from the house. Is there low income or pro bono law help in your area that could advise you about the lawsuit? If the house were off his back, couldn't he move into your condo with you?

I don't own the condo I live in. My roommate does and will not have me and my husband living here. My roommate bought the place last year and wants me gone asap. I'm lucky that my roommate has cut me so many breaks and lets FI stay here 3 nights a week.

 

[kathie859]

My mother always said (and, I hate to admit this but she was RIGHT) to ask yourself are you better off with him or without him? This question covers everything from marriage, living together, divorcing.

OP, when I read your post, I really don't get a sense of what you value about the relationship I have to say it would be wrong to marry under these circumstances. I'm not saying break it off totally--but it may be wise to backpedal until he's out of debt and done with the house. I would recommend that he talk to a realtor about a short sale.

Good luck

 

[jedijill]

I don't own the condo I live in. My roommate does and will not have me and my husband living here. My roommate bought the place last year and wants me gone asap. I'm lucky that my roommate has cut me so many breaks and lets FI stay here 3 nights a week.

There is no shame in being 35 and not married. Heck, I'm 36 and single. I don't want children either.

Can you find a place on your own? I haven't had a roommate since I was last forced to have one in the military. Living on my own is the best thing I ever did for myself.

Why are you opposed to living together without being married if he already stays over at your place 3 nights a week anyway? I'm the last person to judge but seems like you have already crossed "living together" line already.

You fiance needs to talk to a bankruptcy attorney. There is no shame in filing if it truly needed. He cannot just sign the house over to his brothers if his name is on the mortgage. Filing BK can relieve him of his debt (Chapter 7) or provide a payment plan he can afford (Chapter 13).

No matter what, don't get married. As others have said much better than I can, if you resent his situation this month it will only get worse after you get married. You called him your "Dream Man" but apparently you aren't happy with his financial situation so he really isn't a dream. Love only takes you so far. Trust me on this one...I know. There are other men out there that will meet ALL your requirements. Don't compromise.

Good luck.

Jill in CO

 

[tinker&belle]

I think I remember you posting something before...so sorry to hear your situation hasn't improved.

I understand a lot of your statements, but I would still encourage you to continue to look for a second job, even if it is one evening a week and one weekend day. If both you and DF do that it would allow you to at least build a small nest egg over time or pay off a debt.

We have done Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace and it has made a world of difference for us. I would highly recommend looking into doing something like that. Maybe DF could even call his show for advice? It seems like the house is a complicated situation where he could use some expert advice.

Finally, (and this is the hard part) I would have a serious heart-to-heart with him about the situation with his brothers. They need to get rid of the house. I know from what you have posted before they will take a hit. Maybe he can offer his share to them and walk away? Maybe they can talk to the bank and do a short sale? That would probably be the best bet.

If none of that would work I would INSIST that he address the animal issue at the house (have them put them in one area you don't use) at the very least or find some new homes for them. It is his home too, and when you marry you are a pair.

If you or he are unwilling to make any compromises I would recommend splitting or just maintaining the status quo, but I don't know if that will satisfy you from what you've described.

 

[mousebymarriage]

Given the way you are feeling and the current financial situation I would postpone the wedding. Marriage is not easy and you shouldn't start out your new life together with so much hanging over your heads. You can always get married at a later date. I hope everything works out.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I have some debt, which will be paid off in 2 years. I will list these debts as they are important to understand my situation.

Old $13,400 loan with a min of $504 a month. I always pay at least $604.
Target card with $2700 on it, min is $75, I always pay $125
Best Buy card with $200 on it. min is $10. I always pay $20 (not too concerned about this one)
Capitol One card with $400 on it, min is $15, I pay $30

Ok...not that you asked..and this is Off topic..but please..do yourself a favor

1) Best Buy Pay it off first (Jan or Feb)
pay minimum on Capital One Pay 15.. leaves extra 15.00
pay minimum on Target pay 75... leaves extra 50.00
Pay minimum on Loan pay 504..leaves extra 100.00
This gives you 165 plus the 20 you pay to bb gives you 185..scrounge up an extra 15.00 and that card is paid in one month.

2) Capital One pay it off second (Feb/March or March/April)
BB is paid off, you know have an extra 20.00 to put towards CO
Pay min on target again.. pay 75...leaves extra 50
pay min on Loan again pay 504 leaves extra 100
now you have 200 (30 + 20 + 50 + 100)
In 2 months CO is paid off.

3) Target pay if off third (10 months it is paid off)
BB is paid off, you have 20.00
CO is paid off you have 30.00
pay min on loan again 504.00 leaves you 100 extra
now you have 275 to go to Target every month (125+20+30+100)

4) With all your other cards paid off you now have an extra 275 to add to your 504 for a total of 779 a month towards your final loan!!

Not that you asked..but it is what the experts suggest to pay down your cards. Get rid of the lowest balance first!

Good luck!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

I personally do not know too many women who would enter into a marriage knowing that they will have to give up all of their dreams. It's one thing if this nonsense with the law suit had all come up after we were married. But we aren't married yet and FI realizes that there is still a chance for me to avoid being caught up in a horrendous life.

Wow.
While I think you have some legitimate concerns, I don't think that you are bringing all that much to the marriage either. It's not like you are able to travel on your own right now with your bills. You don't even have your own apartment. I am not trying to disparage you but that is simply the truth. Were you planning on getting married to increase your income? I would not be thrilled with the financial situation of your DFI but if I really loved him I would either wait to be married or figure out a way to fix things. I get the impression that there is much more going on here. It is clear that you may not want to the same things in life. It is better to lay it out on the table now before the wedding and call it off it is not what you want. Good luck!

 

[NeedHelpPls]

Wow.
While I think you have some legitimate concerns, I don't think that you are bringing all that much to the marriage either. It's not like you are able to travel on your own right now with your bills. You don't even have your own apartment. I am not trying to disparage you but that is simply the truth. Were you planning on getting married to increase your income? I would not be thrilled with the financial situation of your DFI but if I really loved him I would either wait to be married or figure out a way to fix things. I get the impression that there is much more going on here. It is clear that you may not want to the same things in life. It is better to lay it out on the table now before the wedding and call it off it is not what you want. Good luck!

Um, no. I was not planning to get married to increase my income. If I was planning that, I would have sought a man who made more than I do. What a joke.

But I want an equal. How is that wrong?

I have debts that are old, and will be gone in 2 years. As a single person living with a roommate (pretty common around here where rents for a 1 BR are 800+ a month) I have over $600 a month left over after paying more than the mins on my cc's and loans to save or enjoy life. At the moment, my life is actually pretty sweet. I could get my own studio apt. now if I wanted to and if I don't get married, I probably will.

What worries me is the far off future. It's not like when we are 40 and his house is finally gone and his suit debt is paid off we will then be able to go buy a house and live a life. During the time leading up to that we will have NO money to save. None. Nothing.

 

[NeedHelpPls]

Good luck!

Thanks. I know I should be doing that, it's just hard for me to pay only mins. It's just like a mental block I have to get over. I've always paid more than the min.

 

[defendthehill]

In all honesty it is difficult to offer advice on such a personal matter. This is not like a budget, planing a trip to Disney or finding a way to save money....which are universal items on this board. Matters of the Heart are individual and without knowing you and him it is very difficult. However, marriage is the most important decision that a human makes. Make your decision wisely. And from reading your thoughts and concerns at this point....it does sound like you really have made your decision already. Trust your heart. Trust yourself. Marriage is wonderful when both enter through the same door and the path is going to the same destination. Different doors, different paths, leads to divorce, and possible financial turmoil...............I wish you all the best!

 

[reelmom]

I haven't read through all the responses but if you are already doubting the marriage, DON'T do it. I'm not saying to give up on him, but I personally would not marry him at this time. If you have a pastor, I would meet for pre-marriage counciling. If not, I would seek the advice of a professional counselor to discuss the situation. Trust you gut and don't worry about what other people will think. Good luck.