Need serious advice (long_)

[Conkozan]

Have him sign over his share of the house to his brothers and get that albatross off his back. No sense spending good money after bad.

What is the lawsuit over and what chances it will be thrown out?

 

[Tinkerbelle99]

I can imagine it is difficult to see such a 'bleak' future before you...I hope that you really think things over and dont make any decisions in haste...

Everyone handles adversity differently...for me, if I truly loved this man, I dont know that I would walk away from him completely because of the circumstances you have described. You are both young and traveling can be fit into your lives at any time.

I too, had this 'ideal' of what my future would be like...is my current life anything like that now....nope...would I change it? NO WAY!! I truly love my husband and we have two beautiful children...have we had our share of ups and downs, of course...but its made us better people, a better couple. I know that my husband would give me the world if he could and I would to him. What we always give each other is RESPECT & LOVE; no amount of money, travel or material objects could ever give that to you or make up for a lack of it.

"Struggling" together will make you stronger and more appreciative when you do acheive your goals. Traveling the world is over rated, there are plenty of places close at hand that can open up a whole new world to you both...

Dream weddings are great...but not necessary to have a long and happy life together. Take it from someone, who had the opposite of her dream wedding...but it was all good. I was happy, surrounded by friends and family and began my life with my soulmate...now 15 1/2 years later...it doesnt matter what we did or didnt have for our wedding...

Its easy to be in love and to love someone when everything is 'pefect', no issues to overcome....but can you still love someone with issues or circumstances?...that is the test of true love...

Good luck in whatever you decide...I hope it leaves you at peace...

 

[NeedHelpPls]

To answer a few of the questions.

It is important to me to be married. I'm not comfortable just living with someone or just dating forever. I would like this, ideally before I am 35. I'm not getting any younger and I want to start building a life with someone while I am still young enough to be working, traveling and able to put money away for retirement.

I have suggested FI just walk away. I am the LAST person who would ever tell someone to trash their credit. But his house situation is very dire. But he refuses to walk away because it would hurt his brothers. None of the 3 of them can afford even 1/2 the house on their own.

They are also afraid that if they just let it foreclose, they will end up owning the bank for the lawsuit.

I know very little about it. I try to stay uninvolved in the house since it is not my house and his brothers do not want my say. I suspect they do not want to move out as bad.


I think I have to just start coming to grips with the fact that I have to choose between the life I wanted or the man I wanted to share that life with.

It's just not fair.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think the two of you need to marry, right now, at least. You do need to have a long, long talk about finances and what each of you expect and how you each plan to get where you want to be.

I also think that you need to do some serious soul searching about how you really feel about this man. I can understand not wanting to marry someone during the middle of so many financial problems, but you seem to have a huge amount of resentment toward this man. Marriage is a partnership and you should go into it knowing that any problem you have you will work on together; including finanical ones. And any dreams should be dreams you have together and you should be working toward those dreams together.

 

[patsal]

Small doubts now turn into expensive realities later. I would not go through with it. I would not give up all of my hopes and dreams to carry dead weight around. Sorry but love does not pay the bills and he is asking way too much of you. Tell him when he is free of other obligations that will allow him to contribute to your relationship then you will marry him. I find what you are sharing about him to be a bit unbelievable (on his part not yours). For anyone to expect you to carry them, have a million excuses why they can't contribute and to expect and allow you to give up things when he isn't giving up anything sends up all sorts of red flags to me. If you have doubts now do not get married!

 

[okeydokey]

It sounds like all the brothers need to walk away from the house. Is there low income or pro bono law help in your area that could advise you about the lawsuit? If the house were off his back, couldn't he move into your condo with you?

 

[myfavvac]

There is a lot to consider here. It sounds like he has been very honest with you and isn’t hiding anything which is so important. Marriage is a special bond between two people but if you don't intend to have children perhaps it might be better to wait just until all of the facts are in. Maybe consult an attorney so you know in advance what you would and financially liable for as a legal spouse. You can get your heart and head in the same place and be better able to decide. If there is any inkling you will be unhappy with this new lifestyle think long and hard. Resentment even if it's subconscious can be very damaging to a relationship. Some folk’s especially older ones choose to live as married couples but just never actually marry specifically because of the legal and fincial implications, issues with estates, inheritance, medical care etc. On the other hand if you truly love each other and you can work through all of the crappy stuff for the folks that do most will say it was worth it in the end. Good luck and I sincerely wish you all of the best!

 

[edk35]

I'd postpone it for now until things settle down. You don't want to go into a marriage that starts off on the wrong foot. You can always get married later....as long as you love each other you will always have each other.

I agree....postpone the wedding. Stay engaged....see what 2010 brings. A lot can change over night sometimes...you just never know. I would just keep on chugging along trying to get out of debit..pushing toward less debt will ease some concerns. Good luck!!!

 

[pearlieq]

Going forward with the marriage does not seem like a good choice right now.

If you're already this unhappy, I certainly don't think things will improve. Also, I'm not really sold on your DFi. It really seems like he could be doing a lot more to improve his situation. He really doesn't seem like he has a lot to bring to a marriage. You deserve an equal, not a dependant.

Also, are you really ready to get married and accept all the variables that come along with that? It sounds like the vision you have of the life you want is very, very important to you--maybe even more important than being married. There's nothing wrong with that, but you might want to spend some time seriously thinking about what your priorities are so you can focus your energy accordingly.

 

[branv]

I'll be honest and say that unless some major shift occurs post marriage in your favor, I think marrying this man right now would be a very bad mistake.

Not because he's a bad man, or you're a bad woman, but because resentment and issues you have before a marriage don't go away just because you get married, it actually intensifies.

The biggest and most damaging myth out there is, "If he/she loves me, they would..." Love does not conquer all. Wish it did, but it doesn't. Love, like people, is organic. You grow and change as a couple, and you grow and change as individuals. What tends to hurt marriages is when a couple do not grow in compatible directions (note, I didn't say "in the same direction" but in at least directions that don't cause lasting friction), and no adjustment is ever made to adapt to these changes. You are starting out this marriage in polar opposite positions. How is that remotely going to get easier?

Also, if love were the only thing you needed to make a marriage work, there wouldn't be a 50%+ divorce rate. For goodness sake, the number one cause of divorce isn't lack of love, it's money problems. Essentially, what a marriage CANNOT work without is respect. Of course there are moments you won't respect a decision, thought or action, but if at your core you don't respect a person, it's extremely hard to overcome that. It breaks people down, makes them resentful and bitter. I can see that you think this man is a good person, but I don't see much in the way of respect for what he does, etc.

An example: before I met my husband, I was in a relationship for 4 years. This guy was truly a sweet man, funny, intelligent, reliable from a "won't deliberately hurt someone" aspect, no bad habits. But he was like a little boy -- always making stupid choices, forgetting important things that I had to scramble to clean up for him (making it impossible for me to rely on him when I needed help), under the thumb of his overprotective mommy and daddy, despite full and very cushy financial support was too flakey to remember to pay bills, or to remember school assignments so he was flunking out. When his parents cut him off due to flunking, he couldn't keep a job because though intelligent he was spacey, almost got evicted from spending money he should have saved for rent, and his idea of a career were clearly ridiculous (possibly illegal) get-rich-quick schemes. I, on the other hand, had been independent since I was 19, worked and went to school, good grades, etc. I loved this guy, we laughed together, shared everything, but the resentment began to grow. I started becoming this shrewish woman I didn't like b/c I just got so fed up with not being able to rely on him to even care for himself on a basic level. I had to finally accept that it wasn't enough to respect him as a human, I had to respect him as a partner, and this would never feel like an equal partnership. Thankfully, the relationship came to an end we both felt was for the best, and I eventually found the man with whom I was able to share a life with on firm footing. My sister, on the other hand, married a man exactly like my previous boyfriend. He is very funny and witty, devoted emotionally to his wife and kids, but completely unreliable. They struggle constantly because of his issues, and she is angry all the time, feels like she is a single parent in a lot of ways. It breaks my heart to see her like this.

Not every story is the same. This may not apply to you, but I just wanted to supply an example of the importance of respect.

 

[NMW]

Don't get married if you have doubts. I only know of two friends that got married walking down the isle with doubts, and they both ended up divorced after much pain. It is not worth it. You deserve better. Everyone deserves the chance to be really happy.

 

[BellyBaby]

I wouldn't marry a man who had that much debt. Period.

You both have horrendous finanical situations, his cc debt of $10k, and your debt of over $16k is over-the-top scary.

Get your finances in order, then re-visit the marriage idea. I wouldn't risk his financial problems being YOUR problems.

Take one month's worth of credit card and bank statements and see how much you're paying in interest every month. That should be a wake up call - see how much you're paying every month for a whole lot of nothing.

Good luck, you sound like you have enough smarts to turn this around quickly! Now is simply not the time to get married, that's all. It'll work out for you.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'd postpone it for now until things settle down. You don't want to go into a marriage that starts off on the wrong foot. You can always get married later....as long as you love each other you will always have each other.

Not sure really what help I can suggest, other then, to say: If you are already resenting things that havent even happened yet, and already bitter about wedding issues....it will only get worse once you are married. Marriage is tough enough when you are in love beyone measure and have normal first years problems, the kind that you will have would be beyond that "normal" scope IMO. I guess Id suggest if you have the opportunity to seek some pre-marriage counseling that might be a start. Reguardless I wish you luck, and happiness.

Agree with these. Don't get married at this point, it will just lead to trouble. He's been very honest with you, but his circumstances are not going to change in the near future. You are already upset by it, and it will only get worse after marriage (and that's not fair to either of you).

 

[dizneechic]

Old $13,400 loan with a min of $504 a month. I always pay at least $604.
Target card with $2700 on it, min is $75, I always pay $125
Best Buy card with $200 on it. min is $10. I always pay $20 (not too concerned about this one)
Capitol One card with $400 on it, min is $15, I pay $30

Why not on your 13.4 loan take 2 months of extra payment there and get rid of the Best Buy card and do the same with the Capital One card and then your free to work on paying the others off and not be paying addl interest or risk late fees etc. Anyway, I know that's not what you wanted advice on but I would consider that anyhow.

They are also afraid that if they just let it foreclose, they will end up owning the bank for the lawsuit.

I know very little about it. I try to stay uninvolved in the house since it is not my house and his brothers do not want my say. I suspect they do not want to move out as bad.

As for them letting the house foreclose and then owing the bank the money for the lawsuit... if they pay for the next 4 years into it they may still owe for the lawsuit and have paid for years into a house that may never recoup its value. I would suck it up, walk away, and if you end up owing for the lawsuit so be it. And yes in MA if you are married you assume your spouses debts, end up responsible for their child support/alimony etc... so you will inherit this issue if you choose to move forward as planned at this time.

As for being uninvolved, if you are about to marry this you you NEED to be involved. You will inherit the house and related issues, you need full disclosure about what's going on. If your FI isn't open enough with you to have these discussions or you two can't really map out what the financial future will hold then I wouldn't be willing to attach my name to all of his issues.

Good luck!!

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP:

When one has Homeowners Insurance THEY cover the costs of defending and settlement of any claim (as long as it is a valid claim and covered, not excluded, ie something "intentional" was done. But he'd/policyholder would know that right away as a denial would be sent out and there are deadlines for carriers to issue same.) So, as far as the whole, "he can't sell the the house stuff, that appears to be a mute point. People move out, rent, sell, etc etc, insurance has dates of coverage, either it was covered or not, quite simple.

It seems like you are feeling "over your head" or getting cold feet, Perhaps you can review your list of all the positives and negatives.
I do know, No marriage is all "ups" there are always "downs" once in a while. And the difficult times can make you stronger and pull together or tear some apart....If you are already doubtful......I say really really think about it, I wish you "good wishes" that you make the decision that is right for both of you. And some Pixie dust too

 

[cdrn1]

Wait.

 

[SILLYANDI]

Can you have a "ceremonial" wedding, live with your roomate (he can commute since it's his issues causing this problem). Continue doing what you are doing and in 2 years when your debt is paid off start focusing on resolving his debt issues and saving for a home?

I know it all seems bleak, but it all does pass eventually. You are going to have to make some tough decisions, let your FI wallow in his debt and go on to your dreams of travel, etc (but maybe never have that kind of love again) or be happily in love and struggle for years.
I personally would opt for in love and broke, because all the money in the world can't buy love. Money can be made and lost...

Good luck, you wiill be in my thoughts!

 

[dreambound]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

I personally do not know too many women who would enter into a marriage knowing that they will have to give up all of their dreams. It's one thing if this nonsense with the law suit had all come up after we were married. But we aren't married yet and FI realizes that there is still a chance for me to avoid being caught up in a horrendous life.

Don't get married. The only way a marriage will work is if the marriage IS the dream and you're willing to give up everything for IT.

Think about the vows..for richer or poorer. Sounds like you just aren't interested in the "for poorer." That's OKAY!!!! You have every right to have your own priorities and values. But if you resent him now, what will happen in 8 years, when the shine wears off? Even if he was a great financial partner, things happen, and they WILL happen. If you are going to marry ANYONE, you need to be willing to live with whatever may come. It's good that you are anticipating what may come now, because if you resent him before you even walk down the aisle, then things are not probably going to get better.

Meg

 

[RachelsMommie]

First of all, OP, I am SO sorry for your heart-wrenching decision.

Here's my advice. Postpone the wedding indefinitely. Find a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class near you that the two of you can attend TOGETHER. Here's the page to find a class near you: http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/

The two of you can have a stronger relationship if you work through this together and both make a commitment to living debt-free. I think he needs to realize that this property and his loyalty to his brothers could cost him his life partner. They may need to make some tough decisions to either buy him out or do a short sale with NO RECOURSE so they cannot sue him for the difference later. This is becoming more common with the current real estate situation.

What is he being sued for?

Kristi

 

[tileman]

Think about the vows..for richer or poorer. Sounds like you just aren't interested in the "for poorer." That's OKAY!!!! You have every right to have your own priorities and values. But if you resent him now, what will happen in 8 years, when the shine wears off? Even if he was a great financial partner, things happen, and they WILL happen. If you are going to marry ANYONE, you need to be willing to live with whatever may come. It's good that you are anticipating what may come now, because if you resent him before you even walk down the aisle, then things are not probably going to get better.

Very well said