Need parenting advice please!

[momof2inPA]

Threaten to send him to military school.

Seriously, in addition to his punishment make sure you sit him down and explain the possible consequences of future misbehavior at school. Explain suspensions, expulsions, and that he might be kicked out of school and not be able to see his friends.

Did he hurt the kids that he hit or just sock them in the shoulder? Did he punch them in the mouth? There's a big difference between a violent hit and a frustrated slap, not that either one is o.k., ever, but I would handle a true intent to hurt someone different than a shove. Also, is he on the large side or small side of the growth curve? Sometimes kids this age are so different in size that the big-sized kids can inadvertently really hurt the small kids. Sometimes the small kids get so frustrated that they do lash out.

Good luck handling the situation, but truly, I don't think it's a huge issue or terribly out of line for that age.

 

[pattyT]

Good luck whatever you decide -
the most important thing is to FOLLOW thru
If you say NO whatever for a week youbetter make sure it happens!

 

[Tinkerbelle'sMOM]

I am a big fan of Dr. Ray Guarendi....I think it is fine to take it all away and he has to EARN it back. I tell my kids that I only owe them love, food, shelter and a few clothes, the rest is a privledge that I can take away. I also believe in having the child write a letter of apology when it is warranted and hand delivering it to the person. I can't tell you how many times we have cleaned out kids rooms down to the bare minimum and they have had to earn stuff back....sometimes it is harder on us than them! And yes, even the soccer team is a privlege that I would revoke if I had too...and he would have to explain to the coach why he couldn't play...and he could sit on the sidelines during all the games ( I did this with one of our kids..worked quite well). We do tell them that we love them very much, but we sure don't LIKE them right now or like their behavior.

I can't believe the principal would just think a kid would tell their parents they are in trouble...heck, I know I wouldn't have told LOL

Parenting really stinks sometimes!

 

[Pam]

Good luck whatever you decide -
the most important thing is to FOLLOW thru
If you say NO whatever for a week youbetter make sure it happens!

I agree with pattyT - but that's why it's important for you to think before handing out the punishment.

I didn't at first and way overboard on the punishment. I later realized that I was wrong - but I stuck to the long period of grounding that I gave my DD.

I now say that I am mad, but that I'm going to walk away from the situation and cool down and discuss with my DH and then find an appropriate punishment.

 

[N.Bailey]

The only thing I can offer is, many kids at my children's school got in trouble 2 years ago for inappropriate visits on various websites. The kids from what I'd been told really weren't looking for sexual content, it's just that sexual content came up. I know they yelled at my daughter once when she had some free time and they were allowed to mess around on the computers and she typed in Usher (the singer). She got a pic of Usher without a shirt on and they told her the next time she was caught looking at stuff like that she'd get a detention. Some kids were given detention and others threatened with suspension. It just burns me to no end that they don't have software on these computers to block this type of stuff out. I don't mean a shirtless Usher, but some of the other stuff the kids were hitting on. Do a little surfing and see what you hit on!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree with everything you are doing.

Yes the school dropped the ball but oh well....you are stuck with it now.

The only thing I would do would be to NOT put a "time" or "date". (Cough, from experience).

I would rather he earn the things back slowly and then take them back as he messes up again. One step forward and two steps back. Heck if it takes him the whole school year to "get it" then so be it.

He sounds like a smart kid and I will bet he will wise up quick when he sees you are onto him. Be prepared for anger and DON'T REACT! Just calmly, matter of fact tell him the "deal"...

Good Luck!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I want to reply before reading the other replies. I would start by putting your son in self defense. This will do 2 things--one is to teach him self control and the importance of controlling his behavior. It will also teach him how to take someone down who is attacking him. I disagree that a child should not hit if someone else hits them first.

It seems that the principal was setting the kids up to lie with the internet incident. They should have sent notes home to to parents that would then need to be signed and returned or they should have made phone calls to the parents. That's assuming that this is something that the parents need to be contacted about. The kids should not even have access to sites with questionable material.

And to take way the high level math is ridiculous to me. Let's take away something that he's really good at and on top of that, something that is academic.

OK, now to read the replies.

 

[DawnCt1]

I want to reply before reading the other replies. I would start by putting your son in self defense. This will do 2 things--one is to teach him self control and the importance of controlling his behavior. It will also teach him how to take someone down who is attacking him. I disagree that a child should not hit if someone else hits them first.

It seems that the principal was setting the kids up to lie with the internet incident. They should have sent notes home to to parents that would then need to be signed and returned or they should have made phone calls to the parents. That's assuming that this is something that the parents need to be contacted about. The kids should not even have access to sites with questionable material.

And to take way the high level math is ridiculous to me. Let's take away something that he's really good at and on top of that, something that is academic.

OK, now to read the replies.

I agree with every thing you said. Every child should know how and when to defend themselves. There is nothing that encourages a bully more than a defenseless kid who is not allowed to hit back. Martial arts is a great place to start. It includes the how, when and why.
Secondly, the principal should be sending a note home of apology that children would even have access to those kinds of web sites. It's the child's fault for going there and that needs to be addressed, but I hold the adult to a higher level of responsibility for the exposure in the first place.
Thirdly; To take away the 'math team"? That is ridiculous. Its not like taking away recess, or tv, or video games, or dessert. I would certainly address all of these issues with the child but I would also have a serious talk with the principal regarding blocking web sites and I would let him know that I wasn't any too happy that an x rated web site was even accessible from a school building.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

After reading the replies I haven't changed my mind. Personally, I would ground my child for a period of time for the offenses. When my kids get grounded they can't use the computer or video games or go out with friends. Playing outside might be allowed, depending on their age and what they did wrong.

I would NOT treat him like this is a criminal offense and I would not take away all of his possessions. I take it that your son probably hasn't given you too much grief before (that's a good thing, btw ). My 12yo has always been so easy and when he acts like the preteen that he is sometimes it seems a lot worse than what it is since he has never been in trouble. Sometimes acting like a normal kid, with normal behavior is almost a surprise when you're not used to that.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I agree with every thing you said.

Thanks, I was a little worried that I would be flamed.

 

[disykat]

Thirdly; To take away the 'math team"? That is ridiculous. Its not like taking away recess, or tv, or video games, or dessert. I would certainly address all of these issues with the child but I would also have a serious talk with the principal regarding blocking web sites and I would let him know that I wasn't any too happy that an x rated web site was even accessible from a school building.

Actually I think the principal giving a warning and saying he'll be off the math team if he has another incident is fair. Math team is like a sports team and they are representing their school - it's a privilege. I think that might be one of the best deterents to future misbehavior and it's logical.